Monday, July 28, 2014

Goodnight Dear Blog.

First let me say that I am not quitting blogging at all.

There will be more fatness, Blackness, fashion, make up and yammering just not here.

After over a thousand posts, almost 200 thousand page views, almost 2 thousand comments now it's time to do a new thing.

Basically here's what's goin' on.

My life as a writer has been changing, my needs are changing and my ideas about how I expend my energy are changing.

Also if I'm going to be super honest, I'm tired of doing a lot of work that other people are making money off of.

Real talk.

In the past two years specifically I can count at least ten occasions where my work has been used as a source, quoted or otherwise used without my permission or knowledge until it was sent to me or I found out on my own.

Most of those occasions are things people got paid for.

I did not get paid.

I did not get asked.

I got taken advantage of.

Not only did it make me feel taken advantage of, it hurt me. It hurt me emotionally and impacted my work in ways I can hardly even describe adequately.

It cost me money.

It made me cry.

It made me feel somehow both inadequate (not good enough to even be asked) but obviously good enough to be quoted and lifted from.

It reminded me in stark unavoidable detail that a lot of people who claim to be anti racist and inclusive don't actually give a fuck.

That people who FUCKING KNOW ME PERSONALLY don't value me, my work, my humanity or anything.

Honestly y'all, this is a case of a few bad apples ruining the barrel.

Writing here got to be really difficult as the increasing scarcity of posts might show you.

Then after some recent articles elsewhere, there was the problem of my question box being flooded with racialized hate mail.

I got very tired and very discouraged. I almost stopped trying to write non fiction elsewhere and stop blogging and even talking because y'all I was exhausted.

I felt fragile and exposed.

I felt like I was letting down all of you regulars who have been so kind to me over the years.

And then while I was talking to Uniballer about some crafty project or other, I decided to do something for myself.

As I am catapulting towards 40 I realized I am in flux and now is a good time to do a thing.

SO with that my darlings I want you to know I am moving my blogging to a more personal (as this spot was intended to be) spot where I feel like I can do the FA and the personal shit without the taint of feeling used.

I want to share more of my real life with the politics. Abandoning blogging all together would feel shitty. Blogging started me on the road to being brave enough to write non fiction. It showed me my voice.

Y'all have been so good to me. You bought me pants, you got me a little computer, you have encouraged me with love notes and listening and shutting the the fuck u when it was needed.

That in mind from today (I will schedule my first post for tomorrow) onwards you will find me at www.nudemuse.org

No more adult warning. No more blogger eating my posts. A brand new slate.

If you go there now, it's blank. I am getting stuff together. I am going to have special pages for beauty stuffs, fashion, links. If you want links to be included (even posts from here you find important) please let me know  in the comments.

If you don't want to follow me for more personal adventures that's okay too. Thank you for reading all these years.

With that, I say goodbye blogger.

If you'd like to read some of my latest non fiction you can check me out on LunaLuna talking race and feminism, I'm doin the self care thing over at XOjane on the regular. AND lastly you can read an essay about my epic failure to pee on a date right over here.

I love you homies and haters I really do.

Homo Out forever from blogger.
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Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Hello again Haters and a wee announcement.

Pardon my unplanned hiatus my friends.

Remember I've been talking about relaunching and wordpress and shit? So that is about to happen.

The thing is that between the misuses of my work and general malaise I feel like I want a new start. I have been blogging on various platforms for a really long time now and as much as I have enjoyed doing serious business FA here, I don't really want to do it anymore.

My problem is that I've said a lot of things and I am a little tired of doing a lot of work for free. I just don't really have the spoons nor the time to really do serious FA anymore.

That being what it is, I also didn't want to make the change in this space and using blogger.

So here is what is gonna happen.

I am going to leave this here as an archive of sorts.

Aside from feeling too burnt crispy I also really want to give more which has been hard here. So the new plan is this.

I will give y'all the new link probably tomorrow or Thursday.

I will post a thing with the new link.

I hope y'all will come along for more things, I will still talk about fatness and race and shit but also I want to integrate more of my interests and stuff I like to talk about. Natural hair, fashion, maybe some more make up and whatnot.

Wig reviews, experiments. Feelings. Body Image.

Self care- a LOLtastic aside. Y'all hate reading me, you don't have to be sending me actual traffic since you hate every word that comes out of my dam mouth. Also just a note. Regardless of how much you hate my work, linking to me is giving me traffic which makes me a bit of money. Also circle jerking for years (yes years ago a bunch of y'all came running about something or other the evil fat ass said)

Continually following the series of  posts at XOjane you hate so much, gets me pageviews and that tells the publisher people are enjoying and reading.

So seriously. I don't know if your aim is to hurt my actual feelings (linking to this post to talk shit about the advice I gave to someone who asked and needed it obviously is just a shitty thing to do) or to try to passive aggressively (since none of y'all will speak to me like actual grown ups about both the context and content of what I'm writing) shut me down, well you're not really doing it that well.

I am aware of what you're saying.

To be honest I cared for a few seconds when (and let me remind you as I've said many times I do know how to read and use web analytics) I found the incoming traffic.

I was a little hurt.

And then I remembered something a good friend of mine said the first time I was talked about on the internet.

In terms of shit that has happened from this sort of thing, meh.

I'm not super bothered you hate my work. A lot of people hate my work. I have been generally involved in the writing and publishing industry outside of the internets and on the internets, for more than 20 years.

The length of time aside I am a Black Queer person with opinions that White people have threatened to kill me for both online and off.

So as a note to my regular homies and those who are afraid when this sort of thing happens.

It's not about you or me really.

The whole look let's hate read and talk a lot of shit about this person thing is nothing new. Shitty people have done it since the dawn of time.

To the reader who brought it to my attention you are a sweetheart and don't worry I'm not freaked out.

Hate read me if you like. Talk about how stupid and awful my writing is that's fine.

Keep on clicking (I do like those extra pennies for traffic), keep on assuming shit when you could just ask and get an actual answer, or rub your presumptions all in your groin or whatever.

Fact is, I will probably keep writing shit you hate.

Whether you hate me because OH SHIT FAT, OH NO NEGRO WITH OPINIONS, or because I am so "XOJane" which if you actually knew me would be hilarious given my history of having major issues with some of their editorial ethics and decisions.

And if you really want to dox me, do remember to use that google machine where you can find my name and contact information.

Okay for the rest of my regular homies.

I heard from our homie from this entry. They have been walking and stretching and learning how to change how they view movement and their body. That person has even gone out dancing with their friends!

The reason I talked about the hate readers so much is so that I can say this.

Regardless of what you have said or will say about me, I feel pretty damn good that I helped a real live human being have a better quality of life.

That is so much more important to me than people who hate me.

Honestly, one of the driving forces behind my non fiction as a whole, is for that one person who says, thank you for helping me.

To put it more seriously (I am talking about this with permission) someone who bought V2.0 read it and did not kill themselves.

I don't want to put all their business out there but in the section where I repeatedly talk about surviving and getting help when you need it, they took that to heart and did not kill themselves.

I have been in texting contact with this person since they got out of the hospital and been in contact with the person they called for help and y'all-

You know that I am a fairly sensitive person. Sometimes I take it to heart as real critique of my work when I am trolled, talked about, gas lighted etc.

And then something that means so much to me like helping someone survive just makes it all okay.

The racialized threats, the hate mail, the death threats, the rape threats, the threats to be doxed (to be clear I'm not talking about the people above specifically just what has happened to me on the internet for years) and the time it takes to clear my various inboxes (including comments on a fucking cat video) of hateful messages are all kind of nothing in the face of really doing what I feel I was put on the planet to do.

I do truly feel that part of why I exist, is to be of service to some people. I am lucky to be reminded very often that there are people out there who need my voice. That even though I'm not in good enough health or have enough time to do street level volunteering like I did when I was a kid, that I can still make a little difference in the universe.

That is everything to me.

I've gone way long. I am deep in my feelings today because even those folks who hate me I love you anyway and hope y'all have good lives even if that means you wanna talk shit only semi behind my back.

I love my regular homies who have hung in there for years.

I love my new readers who only know me from Xojane or Luna Luna.

I am pretty full of love.

Even when I'm rolling my eyes.

Okay fuck sake I need to calm down.

I am going to go work on relaunch stuff, I have many plans and goals.

So please keep an eye out here for the new bookmark and the actual relaunch that I am hoping to make happen by Sunday.

Homo Out.
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Tuesday, June 17, 2014

Health help for a Super Fat Friend.

OKAY.

Homies we have important work to do today.

One of our new homies who is super fat wants some advice on relearning how to engage with their health outside of the OH SHIT FATASS U GONNA DIE thing.

Okay first thing I'm going to say to you my friend is be hydrated.

For at least ten years one of the few things I can do constantly and know immediately if I am not is drinking a lot of water.

If you aren't a huge water drinker start with one big glass and then drink two.

For me being hydrated even if I feel otherwise really shitty, helps a lot of things. My joints work better, my innards work better, my skin looks better, I am not as itchy as I can get. It helps overall.

Stretch. You don't have to go all full on yoga. But try doing a few little stretches (which you can do sitting down if you need to, search the youtubes) to loosen up. Sit up as straight as you can.

Now we get into what can be terrible territory.

Movement.

Now let me remind you my friend you don't have to do shit. You do what makes you feel good.

For me the way I made friends with movement again was slowly and really fucking gently.

We all know I'm a big fan of doing a little dance. If I am upright chances are my ass is wiggling. It makes me happy. I express my happy like that. I do something great, victory dance. I manage to not spill my tea, victory dance. I get a tune in my head, my booty shakes.

That is what makes me feel good. I like doing a little bump n grind around the house. I bounce, I shake. It makes me happy.

For me thinking more in terms of what just makes me feel good- okay wait.

I really started thinking about this while watching dogs and babies.

It started with a neighbor boys pitbull Baby. I ran into them and Baby wagged her tail and hind end so hard she tipped over and then rolled on her back for a belly rub and she wriggled and made happy noises.

It tickled me.

And then babies.

Have you ever watched a baby have like a full body laugh/happy?

They wriggle, they flap and flail because they don't know how to control their arms yet.

And then I felt kind of jealous.

I wanted to remember how it feels to express my happy that way.

So I did.

And I do.

So I wiggle my ass. Sometimes while I am brushing my teeth I twerk a little bit. I hum and wiggle my butt. I can't twerk properly but I can do a thing with my thighs I like. Sometimes I do a little bellydance flavored shimmy.

it makes me happy.

I encourage you my friend to find some movement that makes you happy. Maybe you like walking in circles, maybe you like swinging your arms about, maybe you like sitting on the couch and kicking your feet.

The point here isn't necessarily fitness as an end goal but to show your body and your brain that movement doesn't have to make you feel like shit.

If you are too shy to get outside for dedicated exercise try this. Go to a farmer's market (this is presuming you don't have mega social anxiety) and stroll. Look at everything, ask folks questions about their super special tomatoes.

And remember. Even if you weren't fat someone would be looking at you and that is okay. It is also okay for that to make you nervous. The important thing is that you are dong your thing regardless of what anyone else is doing.

Wear comfy shoes. Wear an outfit that makes you feel good. Put your sunscreen on and do your thing.

Now those things are hard things to really take in.

There is a payoff my friend.

Once we start to figure out how to engage with our health on our own terms, things start to change.

For me that has meant I have to make peace with the size of my ass right now.

As much as I miss my fatter ass, that is not what's happening and I have to deal with it without letting myself sink into a big ole hate spiral.

It has meant that I have had to relearn a lot of stuff. I have had to relearn how to eat. I have to eat more in order to keep my weight stable and I have a hard time with that. I'm doing pretty well but it's really fucking hard and I get really frustrated.

I'm still struggling with not just giving in to my inside EXERCISE TIL YOU PUKE voice. I have to work really hard to make sure that I'm not being a total asshole to myself about exercise. My first instinct is often to push it until I break and my body doesn't like it.

So when my knees start to hurt I stop myself. I tell myself that while it's a great idea in theory to walk that extra mile, I just shouldn't do it.

I work at it.

Some days y'all, I fail. I am a total fucking asshole to myself and I want to dive head first into the self hate fueled diet and exercise thing. Sometimes it takes me a few days to pull myself out and remember that doesn't work.

I said it before and I will say it again.

Self hate and shame is not good for your health.

You cannot hate yourself into being healthy. That is a contradiction in terms.

What you can do is learn to care for your health and support your health in ways that don't stick to the hate yourself thin framework.

So my new friend let's start with just little things.

Be nicer to yourself in general.
Drink water.
Move around.

And let me also remind y'all that there is no magic bar of able bodiedness to engage with your health or movement.

If you can't shake you booty shake your toe. Blink, tap your fingers. Your body is great regardless of what you can do or how you need to do things differently.

Now I want everybody to give it a shot.

Try this stuff for two weeks. Or maybe a month.

You can do it. I believe in you.

In other news.

Y'all.

We're gettin ready to level up.

I am working on creating a simple graphic to put on stuff (cafepress stuff to start with) to be a little visual reminder about self care. I'm talking I want you to see it, and think Shannon said that shit about drinking some water so I'm gonna drink some water now.

I am also looking into moving blog services.

I'm probably going to install wordpress now that my hosting has made it simple. All I need to do is have some time and space to work it out. Most likely this here blog address will remain as an archive and we'll start fresh n tasty on wordpress.

AND thanks to more sales of the self care book, this here website has been paid for with my writing and that means everything to me.

Right now my goal is to sell the remaining 30 copies of the book I have listed (don't worry there will be more), get a new phone because my phone is aged and bordering useless and save the rest of my money for writer related business.

I also want to (when I relaunch here) make sure I keep the integrity of my space and make sure y'all still feel nice n welcome.

So that is the business.

And I turn it over to you guys. Do you have advice for our friend? Drop it in the comments like it's hot.

Homo Out.
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