Tuesday, December 07, 2004

Things I want to do before I die.

Learn to play bass.
Learn to speak Russian.
Learn to love myself all the time.
Be able to sit comfortably in a full lotus.
Design a line of clothing.
Produce and sell said clothing.
Own a bar and grill called Taco Mofo.
See the painting 'The Garden of Earthly Delights'
Go to college.
Own a horse.
Make my own line of bath products.
Publish a poetry chapbook.
Take a black and white photograhpy class.
Give myself a tattoo.
Go to the Ball of Whacks
Plant and maintain a garden.
Own a house.
Have good credit.
Be debt free entirely.
Grow my hair long enough so cutting it isn't a major thing.
Write an autobiography and live to see it published.
Learn to Fire Dance.
Celebrate my Body Erotic

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Monday, November 29, 2004

Truthfully speaking I'm reaching a point where a lot of the 'important' things are becoming far less so. I'm finding it more and more difficult to really care whether or not people like the new look of my department, I don't really care who lost their cell phone, who did this blablabla.

It's hard for me to pay attention to where/when I did/did not put things. Not because of the mysterio health issues but because I find my concerns moving in other directions.

For example I have this checklist thing I'm required to do. Consciously and analytically I understand the importance of the documentation etc etc. But right now I don't actively care. Why? Well mostly because I spend most of my time figuring out how to keep a roof over my head and food in the cupboard. Because I spend hours looking for a part time job. Because I am more concerned with trying to at least have enough money for food and trying to pay bills.

I hate that I feel this way. That all my other concerns leave little room for really caring about work beyond making sure I get a paycheck and/or making sure I don't yet get myself fired or something. Yes I complain about my job but, I CANNOT survive without it.

I get this terrible feeling of guilt because of how sheerly apathetic I've become. I realize that I can only take so much stress and there's been more than enough to go around. Matter of fact in the past two months I can say with honesty I'm very surprised I'm getting any sleep at all, that I'm not sick etc. I still feel like crap though. I'm exhausted as it is and I don't know how I'm going to try and fit in another few hours somewhere.

I feel trapped in my life the way it is. And I don't know what to do. I wish I did.
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Monday, November 22, 2004

Haven't updated in awhile. And here we go...suffice it to say I fucking hate Mondays.

Ok so I get to work and weee oh look they painted and it looks nice. Then I get to the area I work in and there's shit everywhere. We have these ginormous black desks that were hauled in today. When I got here one computer was available for use and it happens to be a computer that fucking hates me.

Now let's note that about 5 years worth of under large desk dust has been kicked up and my contacts feel like they are coated with mother fucker asbestos.

Then...oh lalala I get a call from a collections agent.

Nothing personal against anyone who does it for a living but we all gotta pay bills right?

Ok my problem is with their tactics,. Now the first time this lady calls I tell her clearly that I am at work but would be glad to talk to her later. So she says no we need to talk about this now. I say no I'm by myself and busy right now. Then she says I'll call you back in five minutes.

WHAT THE FUCK?

Do the words could you please call me back in two hours or so not make sense?

Then she does call back and gets me entirely fucking confused. She says first they can settle right here and now for 1200$. Now being that I'm not a crook or a thief if I had 1200k (after I told her I have 30 dollars to my name.) Do we think I'd be worrying about telling her exactly what my fucking financial situation is right now.

So then another brilliant idea she says that I can give them three hundred dollars on friday. After I tell her I don't get paid until dundundaaaaa next motherfucking Wedsnesday? I HAVE 30 GODDAMN DOLLARS where the FUCK am I going to get 300.

I told her straight up that I dont' own anything. I dont' have a car I don't have a house, I don't own a MOTHERFUCKING COUCH! I have nothing that someone will loan me money against.

So then I tell her that I'd be willing to make a 450 dollar payment on 12/29. Then she hands me over to this speed talking girl who (while I was on fucking speaker phone I might add) says oh you shoulda charged her 78% instead of saying 50. You won't make money off of that.

Ok put me on fucking hold. Don't make me listen to you Miss I talk so fast I confuse people then get pissed off when they get confused, talk about what a dead beat I am. I fucking know already OK.

Then she proceeds to tell me over and over again that she HAS to have money now or the company is going to take it that I am refusing to pay. We go round and round, I say I'd love to pay but I just do not have what you want. I don't have it now and i won't have it by fucking friday.

Then I calmly tell her that if it's their policy to try and collect from homeless people *(because if I paid how and what she wanted that's what I'd be) then they could go ahead and do that but I do not want to be homeless.


At this point I'm almost in tears because she just keeps telling me she has to have something right this instant or else they are going to take me to court and garnish my wages and blablabla.

So then I finally just agree to pay 150$ on the 15th of next month. Then she freaks out on me because I dont' have my check book. Why don't you have your check book with you? BLALBABLA look I dont' have any money I am at work why the FUCK would I be carrying my motherfucking checkbook? give me a good reason please.

So anyhow story ends like this. I have to wake up at ass crack early because it's convienent for ~her~ to give my check info.

BLAH

And I totally called someone with a false alarm type thing and now I'm embarassed. :(

I want to go the fuck home.

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Tuesday, October 19, 2004

As I get older I notice that I am far less patient with stupid people. My annoyance threshhold has dimished and it's getting hard for me not to just blurt into people's faces -Will you back the fuck away from me you fucking moron.- Lest I get myself fired.

I am actually a lot better at keeping myself to myself when I should. Although lately the verbal lashings have been a little frequent and a little loud.

What is a poor girl to do?

You take a breathe, admire your own boobs (oh look hi girls.) Remind yourself that no matter how special someone who is in your space may be, there is someone out there who has to put up with them a hell of a lot more than you do.

For the first time in my 27 years I am actually rather comfortable with my crankiness. I realize and embrace the fact that I can be caustic rude and downright evil. I realized that the other day (no not the I'm mean part but that I'm ok with it) and I feel freed. Well not freed but at least that's one less thing to worry about.

I remember an email I got from my other webjournal. Some upset frau with far too much time on her hands where she accused me of being self involved, ego-centric and shallow amongst other sins. Then proceeded to tell me all about how my sexuality and how I talk about my sexuality and my looks blablabla were all so detrimental to the feminist cause and whatnot.

Women like that piss me right off. I am a girl a very girly girl who happens to like fucking, cars and computers. Why do people insist on making everyone elses lives their fucking business? I don't know this person, she doesn't know me, why be all up in arms if I'm all happy after giving a very good blow job or after trying a new mascara?

Fuck you.

Jesus. Get out of my fucking koolaid.

If people could learn to mind their own business rather than everyone elses can you imagine the sheer amount of shit that would get done?

*Insert me sitting here grunting*

Sometimes I really have to wonder if it pays to communicate with other than my chosen circle of humans. Most other ones inevitably piss me off in one way or another.

Is it so goddamn hard to if you don't like something leave it alone? Don't like a movie turn it off. Don't like a book, stop reading it. Don't like what someone has to say, don't listen. It's not rocket science.

Or is it?

I have to wonder sometimes if I'm not just too smart for my own good.

I've decided......nope I'm not.
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Sunday, September 19, 2004

I am very excited right now.

Since April my hair has sprouted probably around 2 inches.

That may not sound like such a big deal to most of you but that's more than my hair has grown in five years.

Grown in healthy and strong I might add.

Even the time I cut it prior to that. (And it was way shorter like almost military-ish) I am SO freaking excited.

So the expensive hair nail and skin vitamins have worked. Now if I'd remember to take them regularly (Bad Shannon not been takin vitamins regularly for about a month) I'll be on the track to having around the amount of hair I'd like.

Tonight has been for prettyfying. I gave myself a facial, removed my stache and am going to wax the eyebrows. And then a little exfoliation. No more defurring except maybe a few stray pubies.

For some weird reason all of a sudden having pubies bothers my skin. What the fuck dude? I don't get that but as long as it keeps my skin from itching or doing anything else weird Byootiful can mow my pubes with the trimmers with carte blanche.

Peronsally I could care less how fuzzy my crotch and or legs get. I don't have a lot of fur so it doesn't bother me. Doesn't bother him. So you know what they say, if it ain't broke don't fix it.

I can't WAIT to tell my Cookie about my hair. I swear we were sisters in a past life or something. That girl is my ROAD DAWG. As far as girlfriends go she is the shit people. THE SHIT. I love that girl like a fat kid loves cake.

If you know who I just quoted you can pat yourself on the back for being cool. If not I'd be happy to tell you if you ask so then you can be as cool as I am.

I think.

How's that for finally a post not bitching or whining.

Hot damn.

Okay no more freaking sugar for me. I've found that my tolerance to sugar has decreased incredibly. Especially to chocolate. I don't eat a lot of chocolate but when I do have some. WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!

All I had was one peanut butter pumpkin from Walgreen's and look what happened.

Ok I think I'm done now I'm going back to my word game and my story for my new 'job' For explanation of that please see my last entry.

Now thank you and goodnight Sally.
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Tuesday, September 14, 2004

I'm exhausted and cranky. I didn't sleep much or well. Startled out of sleep round 4 then well yeah.

I keep losing my train of thought. Reciting bits of stray poetry to myself. Reading things five times to understand them.

I think tonight (insert unhappy face...annoyed grunt here) I will eat then break down and take a couple of sleepy pills. I have a little assortment to decide from. I'm not excited about it because I hate drugged sleep.

But it is only Tuesday and I can't spend the rest of the week so tired.

I tried this new eyeshadow I bought the other day. Creme to powder in a shiny shade called cafe au lait. It went on like a dream and has done quite well despite my case of the greasies. I also bought a glittery lipgloss that smells grapey but isn't. That part is disappointing but it is pretty.

Gotta love the el cheapo make up at Walgreens. Nothing like a wee shiny to perk a girl up.

I need to paint my nails.

Ugh.

Fucks sake I just stared at the streen for two minutes about drooling on myself.

I need pain easers of some sort, sleep and something to eat. I think tonight I'll have myself a nice fat bowl of mashed taters. Then a bath and then....hopefully sleep through the night.

I'm really annoyed with myself creatively. I can't seem to manage to start anything new much less finish it. I keep thinking I should finish my Nanowrimo novel from last year. Then I think I should chuck it all and try to forget the writing for awhile.

Funny right.

If I'm cranky now that'll just make me pure motherfucking evil.

I don't know what to do.

Do they make a laxative for the creativly constipated?

Gods my spelling is ridiculous.

I think I'll stop while I'm behind.

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Monday, August 09, 2004

What do people really think about you?
by Raven319
Name
Age
favorite song
Parents thinkYou're an angel
Strangers thinkYou're smart
Friends thinkYou're a slut
Quiz created with MemeGen!




Edited to add this. Is it suddenly beyond me to figure out how to fucking cut and paste? God DAMN IT! That's the amusing b it of the day. Aside from that I have a SHITload of things to say but I can't really find the proper begining to it. I have so much in my head here I can't sort it out to even begin. I hate that. Fuck. I say that quite a bit don't I? In book news I started reading Taliesin but, I don't think I'm in the mood for such pretty prose. They are fabulous books but, I can't quite get into it. Perhaps some reading about a beast of a killer from the twenties. Right now I want visceral terrors. I want to get a chill when I turn the page. I don't want pretty. I want brutal and mean. Crazed. Enough for now. I'll just go work on getting my head emptied out. Adam love email is on the way (now that I can finally get into it.( That reminds me. I have had an email address I use for some correspondance, submissions and some of my lit list things and fucking hell I have been having the hardest time getting into it. Supposedly it's gotten 'better and faster' but FUCK that. Shit doesn't work for shit. Alas. Not enough of that to rant away. I will rant about other things. Bye for now.

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Tuesday, July 27, 2004

Gods.

When it rains it motherfucking pours.  Seriously.

On the bright side Mike is getting better little by little.  Very scary being in the ER for that long.  Bad flash backs.  Goddamn.

Anyhow..fuck I have to leave again here shortly.  First mail to my boss needs finishing.

So here's a funny I've been saving.

Today was really awful.
I got out of bed FUCK!
I feel unusual because my antidepressants are making me hairy.
I'm so angry. Paul is grounded. AGAIN! And I'm not allowed to see him. EVER. It's just NOT FAIR. I hate my mom and I wish she was dead. This wouldn't happen if I was allowed to live with dad.
Last night I had to shave my entire body. Apparently, the lice that I caught from Amanda's friend are really hard to get rid of. I look quite strange with no hair and eyebrows. I'd post pictures, but my webcam is broken.
I want to tell the world to get fucked.
I am updating this journal for the first time in ages, because I've been in prison.
Today, I got a digital camera! Yes! Here's some photos of my cock.
I want to say thanks to the academy for giving me this award.
I went to the doctor yesterday, and he said I have bipolar disorder, and a healthy imagination.
You should all do this quiz! It's amazingly accurate. You just put in your name and birthday, and it will tell you you're a moron.
Yeah this is about how smart I'm feeling right now.
That's enough for now. But I'll leave you with Yeah..well poop.
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Wednesday, July 21, 2004

Well goddamn.  It's been over a month since I last posted.  Yeah well...hmm.

Lots going on.  I'm moving shifts very soon will be a swing shift person again that'll be nice. 

In other news I'm SO fucking over the apartment building I live in.  They 'misplaced' my rent again.  AGAIN.  Fucking silly bints that work in the office seem to neglect to check the night drop box.  Fuckers.

It pisses me off.

That and the mystery notices that I owe them .13$  here and there.  What the fuck could I owe thirteen cents for?

I'm saying fuck a lot.  I'm tired and want to go home.  I've felt like crap all night and it's not getting much better aside from the fact that I'm not too congested thanks to some powerfully minty gum.

So yeah.

Weee.

Fork.

Not much else to say right now.  I'll make a serious entry sometime soon I promise. 

Blah.

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Friday, June 18, 2004

Poor neglected bloggy. Oh how I've left thee. Not for lack of care but, for lack of anything interesting to say.

Not much new to report. I've been tidying up some work to send out. I've got one submission in editor limbo. Doing a lot of reading lately. Reading lots of ezines, some classic lit.

I've been doing some research. Doing a bit of tinkering here and there learning a few new things.

That's about it. I'm fucking dogass tired and have not much else to say. Aside from hallelujah it's friday and, this is my last day of 12 hours for awhile.

Thank you and goodnight Sally.
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Saturday, May 22, 2004

I was just making a list of some financial important big things I am going to take care of this month. I'll be getting a cushy amount of over time and I've got shit that needs doing.

First thing after rent is to get myself some new contacts. Actually it'll be contacts in the short term and then a new pair of glasses. I'm very tired of wearing exclusively contacts and miss having glasses.

My last pair of glasses were the CUTEST damn things you've ever seen. A rounded horn rim style in black. Very me and at the time I was wearing them very unique. Most people at the time were opting for the wire rims in either the wee tiny lenses or squares what have you. I bought the last pair of my style at Vista Optical. I in fact wound up getting the display pair because not one single other Vista store had any of that particular style and it'd been discontinued.

I loved my glasses. I've worn glasses since I was a kid so having cute ones is important to me.

My poor glasses were lost in a tragic kitten accident. What happened was that after getting up to start getting ready for work I'd gone out to check the mail. And I saw a kitten. Very cute fuzzy kitten that I just had to lean over and pick up. What I'd forgotten is that one of the ear pieces was loose and boom on the ground went my glasses. But no that's not the tragic part. Tragic part is that my eye sight is so bad I stepped on them and smashed them.

I called my boss in tears. In the midst of a full on panic attack because without contacts or glasses I cannot work, I can't read, I can't watch tv. I can do nothing. So after him getting out of me that no I wasn't hurt and didn't need a ride I called my Mom still in tears. She couldn't pick me up. Called my Dad. He couldn't come get me.

So my cheap ass decided it'd be a good idea to catch the bus. 2 Busses. One to downtown the other to Capital Hill where I could get an appointment, contacts and be at work by 4. So off I went into the wild blue yonder blind as a fucking bat.

I get downtown and as I'm squinting at busses this very sweet little old man decided I was blind and took my arm to guide me to the right bus. All while yelling in my ear, "IT'S OK YOUNG LADY WE'LL GET YOU WHERE YOU'RE GOING." At the top of his lungs.

He got me onto bus #7 and off at the right stop. I ran smack into no less than four people in two blocks and almost tripped getting into the store. I had my appointment then found out that they had no more of the contacts for my left eye. Tears again. Blubbering about having to go to work (to this day missing work for whatever reason can seriously freak me out) then the assistant/sales girl told me that the delivery guy would be there in twenty minutes and I could wait and she'd knock half off the price.

SOLD AMERICAN!

So I did get my contacts and my boss had waited at work for me to show up. He thought it was cute. I was not so amused.

So the moral of the story is, hold glasses on nose before bending to pick up kittens.

Yes. I need new glasses.

I also want to do something else with my hair. I think I'm feeling like a redhead. The purple is gorgeous but I'm bored with it already. And with it (hold your shorts...)my hair has been growing like hell I should do a color without such obvious roots.

I also want to invest in a new hot comb because mine is getting old and the temprature is wonky. No need to burn my damn self. At some point this summer I believe I'll invest in a ceramic straightening iron as well. They make very slim ones and I think that would do me well.

I will also be needing some new clothes. I have decided that instead of buying clothes I hate at whatever store I find them cheap at I'm going to do some careful bargain hunting. Find individual pieces I like where ever. Keep my eye on catalogs etc. I'm tired of having clothing that makes me want to pee.

But then again everything makes me want to pee.

I was just editing a story I wrote quite awhile ago and this line sticks in my head,

"I hope you're fairly well aquainted with asshole related ailments."

I'm not saying what the context is but...that is something that would in fact come out of my mouth.

I'm babbling. Mainly because I think I have a caffiene headache and my head is pounding. The advil hasn't kicked in yet and it's making me squinty.

I wonder sometimes about myself. I've been doing some reading on various personality type things and gods. I wonder sometimes if I'm not hell to work with and/or know. I try not to be. Sometimes I can't help being a wee mean thing.

All right I think I'm done now. I believe more tea is being called for and you guessed it I have to pee.


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Tuesday, May 18, 2004

I'm sitting here listening to Edgar Allen Poe readings, currently I just got done with Iggy Pop doing The Tell Tale Heart, and now it's Eartha Kitt doing 'The Black Cat'. Still at work and not minding so much.

I realized something this past weekend as I was feverishly finishing my latest work of fixshun. I believe that one bad employer sort of ruined me for any future ones.

A few years ago I worked for a phone sex company. I worked in the office doing billing and other various office work. I worked graveyard as I do now. At first it was a pretty kick ass job. Granted I was making monkey shit for money but it was good. The owner seemed like such a wonderful lady. She'd pulled herself up out of drug use and a terribly abusive past.

She did a lot of things for others and herself that at the time I respected quite a bit. She was the sort of employer who while working you like a mule could make you feel like, 'hey this is a good place to be.'

Atmosphere wise it was a good place to be. I worked with a bunch of chicks. There were always snacks, tampons, nail polish, movies anything you could want someone probably had and most likely didn't mind you borrowing. It was nice. I also met my favorite roommate who I lived with in Tacoma. We had a cute little 2 bedroom with her two kids.

For the time I was there (almost 2 years or so) I enjoyed my job greatly. I made good friends, monkey shit money but it was nice. And then Xmas of (oh good lord I can't quite remember now.) Let's say 2000 for arguments sake. That Xmas I was house/cat sitting for a lady I worked with.

The actual house/cat sitting was so bad. I not only had a terrible cold, this woman had seriously, twelve indoor cats. There may have been more there were a couple I never saw. So we have 12 cats, 1 litterbox, filthy nasty smelly house, fleas, and the coup de gras a hot water heater that was only capable of about 4 gallons of lukewarm water.

Seriously.

So I was struggling through this when on 12/23 I get a phone call from my boss. She tells me how much she loves me and starts crying. I figure maybe something bad happened to my roommmate or something like that. Oooohhhh no. She laid me off.

Now getting laid off isn't such a big deal it happens. But that day? And she told me the reasons why she couldn't lay off any of the other girls that worked there. Including a drug addict who owed her money and had a habit of spending weekends til Monday night in jail.

I was absolutely devastated. I had been socking away money for my roommate and I to put down together on a mobile home. I had serious BIG plans. Now really as close as we were supposed to have been I would have felt much better if she had at least given me some warning. I'd worked my wee arse off at that place for my 7.50 an hour pittance.

Really that's not the part that ruined me. It was the few months afterwards that did it.

So I get laid off. Am depressed and had to move back in with my parents for awhile. Then my old roomy calls me in tears because she'd gone to go to work and the company was gone.

Yep you heard me gone.

Not only had the company folded up but, the owners had taken off for parts unknown. Then come tax time I find out that my employer lied to me. She had told me (and all the other girls who worked in the office) that we were in fact regular employees. And she'd take the taxes out of our checks.

So there I was happy as a lark working away not realizing that my employer was skimming money off of my check. A good chunk considering I'd claimed 0 so I wouldn't owe money at the end of the year. And then my roomy and I had decided to try and get domestic partner status so we could pay together and be better off getting our house even tho she's not gay.

And then BADA BOOM! I got a friendly letter from the IRS saying that I owed upwards of 700$$ in taxes. Now that doesn't seem like a whole lot of money but when you're only making $7.50 an hour that is a fucking ass load of money.

At the time I was under the impression that if I didn't pay that money immediately I'd go to jail or face some other terrible fate so I put it on a credit card. Bad idea I know but it was the IRS and I was fucking freaked. So yeah.

So since then I've been what you might call leery at best of my employers. I've had several since then. Including the one I've had now for the last four years (as of last month) I can't help but be a little non trusting.

Perhaps it's a failing but, after the experience I just related and a few others I think it's been well earned. Promises of things that never ever happened.

So where does that leave me?

I think it leaves me in a place I'm none too fond of. I tend to be overly suspicious when it comes to employment. I take a lot of what I get told with a grain of salt. Mainly out of caution. Don't get your hopes up they don't get let down.

But at this point I'd say I'm getting a bit softer that way. Despite how it might seem sometimes I do like where I work. I do enjoy my job most of the time. Yes I'd like more but really, if it's not writing it's going to be just a way to pay the bills to me.

I've been feeling that to be unrealistic but as hard as I've tried I can't shake that feeling. That desire I have. Everything that isn't me sitting in front of my computer wrestling with recalcitrant Muses is just...paying the bills for now.

And well that's it for now. I'm rambling and I don't really know if I have any other point. But that's been something that's been on my mind. And it percolated enough for me to get it down and make it make sense. Bye bye now.
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Sunday, May 16, 2004

I have a great deal on my mind at the moment and can't really get it all out. So here's a little survey thing. Get to know me...least a little bit.

Name: Shannon

Sex:Female

Age: 27

Location: Home

Height: 5'2

Eye Color: Black

Favorite Relatives: Little brother

What do you remember most about this year: Finally getting my hands on my Mike.

Memory you miss the most: Sitting getting my hair pressed by my Great Grandmother. Listening to her talk shit about people

What do you think of Ouija boards: It depends on who uses them.

Guys, with or without hats:Hrm? Both

Girls, with or without nail polish: Both

Favorite TV shows: Currently it's either um...crap and of course I can't remember so never mind.

What's on your mousepad: Don't have one.

In the car, AC or open windows: Open windows.

Do you believe in yourself: Usually.

Favorite magazines: Vogue, Poets&Writers, Scared Naked, Marquis,

Favorite Drink: Single malt scotch

Favorite Cigarettes: Vanilla Dreams.

Favorite sound: A lovers sigh.

Favorite Smell: Desire.

Drinks, with or without ice cubes: Without.

Worst feeling in the world: Unfulfilled need.

Best feeling in the world: Love.

Favorite thing to do on the weekend: Read books. Dance. Write, write web pages, cuddle, watch movies.

Favorite Soundtracks: Dracula

Where do you see yourself in 10 years: Writing. Maybe have published a book or two.

What's the first thing you thought of when you woke up this morning: I have to pee.

Do you get motion sickness: Nope.

Rollercoasters- deadly or exciting: Very exciting.

Pen or pencil: Purple ink pen.

How many rings before you answer the phone: as few as possible.

Future Son names: Don't know.

Future Daughter names: Don't know.

Are you a good friend?: Yes.

Chocolate or vanilla cake: PIE!

Do you like to drive: Yep.

Do you sleep with a stuffed animal: Sometimes.

Thunderstorms-cool or scary: Beautiful.

If you could meet one person in the world, who would it be: Right now I'd say Chuck Palahniuk (not sure I spelled that right.)

What is your zodiac sign?: Pisces.

What do you wear to bed?: Perfume.

Boxers or Briefs? No undies mostly. If I do it's thongs or boy briefs.

Do you eat stems of broccoli: Yes it's green and crunchy.

If you could streak in front of one persons house, who would it be?: Yours.

Guys-If a girl asked you for the shirt on your back, would you give it to her: Yes.

Girls- would you ever ask a guy for his shirt: Yes.

If you could have an occupation when you get older, what would it be: I would like to be a novelist. Professional cranky old lady.

If you could dye your hair one color, what would it be: Next color I think is going to be red.

If you could have a tattoo, what and where would it be: My next tattoo is either going to be an ankh or perhaps a pin up.

What's your favorite brand of gum: Cinammon.

What is your favorite quote: 'Leave but a kiss in a cup and I'll not look for the wine.'

Have you ever been in love: All the time.

What's on your walls in your room: Paint.

Is the glass half-empty or half-full: That depends.

Pick a song that describes yourself or that you can relate to: Currently the Moonlight Sonata

Which do you prefer-Cool Ranch or Nacho Cheese Doritos: Salsa.

What's your favorite flavor Snapple: Mango Madness FOO

Favorite movie(s): The Last Unicorn, Lord of the Rings.

Which one, Coke or Pepsi: Neither I like ginger ale.

Which kind of milk is your favorite: 8th Continent Soy Milk vanilla flavored

Are you a righty or a lefty or ambidextrous: Righty.

Do you type with your fingers on the right keys: Usually.

When you meet a person of the opposite sex, you first notice their: Eyes or lips, if they are facing away from me butt and thighs.

Have you ever been attacked by a big dog: No.

Do you ever save your AOL conversations: Rarely.

Do you eat chicken fingers with a fork: Chickens ain't got fingas...

If you could be one gardening tool, which one would you be: Watering can.

What kind of shoe would you be if you had the option to be a shoe: Knee high lace up stiletto boot.

If you could do anything to the person you hated the most, what would you do: I don't hate anyone.

Which do you prefer, mud wrestling or Jell-O wrestling: Jello.

What's under your bed: The floor.

What's the best number in the world: 3

What is your dream car: Right now I'd say anything with wheels.

Who is your biggest crush right now: Lots of them..shhh.

Random thought: No I really don't want to kill things.
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Friday, May 07, 2004

What a week.

I have a beef with my nervous system (emphasis on the nervous part) whenever I have some strong emotion -read almost anything- my body does strange things. Now it's been a bit of a stressful week. Financial near collapse, impending upwards of fifty hour work weeks, migraine. And now that my head has finally decided that throbbing like it's three feet wide and full of hot water isn't a good idea I have hives.

I've been prone to hives since I was a kid. Pollen, stress, anger, occasionally joy and I get bumpy. Bumpy and itchy.

Gods.

The doctor said I'd grow out of this. Said 'oh when you're older it'll probably stop.'

HELLO...I'm almost 30 damn years old.

And I'm sitting here with hives in the crack of my ass.

Why don't docs ever just say, 'you know what I can't tell you if that will stop.' It'd make it easier to take.

Enough of this for right now.
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Friday, April 30, 2004

Well well well.

So while at work this evening I was talking to a distrubutor of this new fancy product and he wants me to be given "power" power as in being able to really do a lot of the nitty gritty work on our side with his accounts etc.

Now on the one hand I'm thinking. YEAH YEAH YEAH!! Cause well that'd be like project management of sorts. I'm also thinking there is potential for fallout. I'm not sure why.

Anyway. I was talking to my co-worker and friend Renee and I told her that if I could make up a position for myself it'd be something along the lines of being the technical liason/trainer for all agents resellers and distrubutors.

I think that would kick ass.

Here's what I'm thinking I'd like to do..in a nutshell.


  • Be the person who after the agent gets signed up to train them on technical aspects. How to use the websites, how to admin their accounts, how to create trouble tickets, what sort of issues are technical and what sort are most likely account issues.
  • Then if it is a new product be the person to write up and train the department I'm working in now on it. How to test it who to call when shit goes wrong with it etc.
  • Be the contact for tech issues so agents etc aren't constantly calling the department I work in.
  • Be the person who if the customers will be calling regular customer service be the person to give training to that department as well.
  • Be the all round go between.


Now I bet it'd be a bit stressful but I love doing that sort of thing. I like researching and creating solutions. I like diving nose first into things and chewing on them until I find a problem. I wouldn't mind testing the shit out of new products.

But I think that may be a pipe dream.

I don't think I've got the anything within this company to actually land something like that or talk someone into it.

I'm not sure.

I know it's not good form to be so wibbly about ones job but I am. I can't really help myself. I think it's these years of working graveyard shift and the culture of the company I work at currently. Who knows.

Or maybe I'm just a big ole pussy.
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Wednesday, April 28, 2004

Well well well. The website is coming along nicely. I've managed to create an archive here so my blog isn't as big as all outdoors.

I've been feeling strange the past few weeks. Almost as if I'm sitting stillish and not realizing it.

But I'm not. In fact things are moving along rather nicely. I budgeted out enough money so I can start doing Pilates. Fuck the doctors I feel like shit and out of shape and I'm going to fucking work out if I want to.

And I decided that I do like my hair after all. I'll like it even more after i get it all nice and relaxed.

That's about it from this corner of the world. I had myself a wee rant typed up but fuck it. I'm in a decent mood why spoil it?
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Thursday, April 15, 2004

On the one hand, you're ready to transform yourself beyond recognition. On the other hand, you still want friends, clients and random admirers to know you by face and name so that you won't have to start all over again. It's a puzzle at first, but you have time to work it out. Before long, you'll experience the double benefits of comfortable familiarity and new beginnings. Artists could be looking at a career breakthrough. Scientists and adventurers make the greatest discovery in the known universe. Maybe you don't claim to be any of these things, but the good news still applies.


Interesting horoscope.

It is a very me horoscope though. That craving for complete change. The deeply seated urge to do the Pheonix thing and rise out of my own ashes more fabulous and brilliant than before.

However honestly it's very difficult to do such a thing when your head hurts so bad you think it's going to blow up. As in KABOOOOM!!!! No more head.

Ugh.

Anyhow.

I wrote up a little something for work here that I'm actually very proud of. I've been working on it for the past week and ahalf or so and it came out concise and to the point. And hopefully very helpful. If so I will be writing up similar things for customer service as well. And one in general for my own department.

I am a big believer that having something written down to reference is very handy. What I don't like are huge clunky documents that take you forty minutes just to get to the one thing you need. I like quick and efficient documentation for things.

In other news the migraine. This one seems to have a peronality all it's own. It's own fucking stratosphere. It's HUGE and menacing. And wrapped so tight around my head I caught myself wondering earlier how much it'd hurt to slam my foot in a door to distract myself.

Years ago I had my septum pierced. A very painful piercing. It came to be because of a migraine like this one. I'd had it for days and days. None of the usual round of drugs was working and I was one step away from heading to the ER for a shot of muscle relaxer in the neck or a sledgehammer to the forehead when my roomy at the time asked if I wanted to go with him to get his ear jewelry changed.

I agreed. I like tattoo and piercing shops. I usually like the people and am always curious as to what's new and painful. So as I was sitting there bullshitting away with the dreadlocked piercer he kept looking at my nose. Now that sort of thing might lead a person to believe they have a boogy.

But no boogy. in fact he walked over to nudge my nose with a fingertip and said, "a septum piercing would look so cool on you. You've got a good nose for it. Want one?"

Now to that point that was a piercing I'd never considered. At the time I had two in my belly button, a bunch in my ears. And a lone cartiledge piercing in my left ear. I asked if it hurt a lot. He said yes. I plunked down the money for the jewelry (he did it on his own dime) and laid in the chair.

As he was getting the needle ready and everything I told him about my headache and jokingly said something about wanting some pain induced euphoria. He told me I'd probably get it. And that he was terribly sorry about my head. Seems his girlfriend suffered migraines as well and usually was confined to bed.

The needle was fucking huge. I mean big. And he led me through some breathing then..zip. I had a big fucking needle in my nose and it hurt like a son of a bitch. It hurt so bad I had to take a few minutes before he put the jewelry in. My belly button had hurt a little but nothing like that. I thought he was going to rip off my nose. The whole lower half of my face throbbed in shock then that subsided.

When he got the jewelry in (a modest little ring. Not too big) I stood in front of the mirror a bit woozily and smiled. It was pretty. I liked it.

After that my roomy and I wandered into a cafe and sat to bullshit with some other kids. After an hour or so I piped up mid-convo, "HOLY SHIT MY HEAD DOESN'T HURT ANYMORE." In fact it didn't. I felt like I'd gotten myself a shot of something good.

That was a beautiful thing. The endorphins kicked in and I was flying high. Felt good.

Now the next day my nose hurt and was oozy but I didn't mind. I felt so much better. I sent the piercer a card in fact.

So yeah. If I had money odds are I'd be staying up to get something pierced tattooed or otherwise maimed not only for aesthetics but for some pain rerouting.

In yet other news the website is almost done. One more page to code. Couple to remove from navigation and NUDEMUSE is good to go.

Enough. I'm tired and it's almost time to go home. Why don't I post this bitch.
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Saturday, April 10, 2004

So in the news in Shannon's world. Not so much. I did however do something wonderful. I cut off and dyed my hair purple.



Yeah!

I was feeing a terrible sort of need to do it. I can't really afford to do anything else really. The wardrobe continues to suffer. I don't have the money to join the gym. So there you have it. My jones for change satisfied by Manic Panic Plum hair dye.

It's funny it looks different shades of purple in different lights.

OH FUCKING HELL!!

I hate it when shit is being crappy at work right near the end of my shift. Ugh.

Anyway. As I was saying.

My jones for change. I've been that way a good part of my life. Sometimes it's a small thing. I change my nail polish and bam instant feel betterness. But this time it took something drastic.

I've heard people say that you store a lot of energy in your hair. Well I know I store alot of issues in it. Ask almost any blackwoman about her hair and you'll get a story of some sort.

Well the short version of mine is that in the past few years after trying my damndest to take damn good care of it, take my vitamins etc. It was not growing. Sure it thickened back up after some of it fell out. (Birth control SNAFU) But what I wanted was length and it wasn't happening.

Then I came to a crossroads. I did not have the money to go get braids or extensions. My forays into trying to figure out how to do it myself were frustrating and made me cry. I was wearing wigs but was tired of doing that every day. So what to do?

Yes you got it. Hack it all off.

Now it's not extreme short. No I didn't run out and get a fade. But because my hair is what it is, I'm not entirely thrilled with it. I love the color but my styling options are rather limited given my hair texture thickness etc. So I slick it back much as I can. Live with the sight pouf of it on the back of my fucking head.

Sometimes it still makes me want to cry. And then I feel stupid. I can't help but feel like an idiot when the state of my hair makes me want to cry.

maybe it's not stupid but it sure as hell feels that way.

So yeah. Not entirely happy but better.

I still have that tickle for change though. And as for now I'm not going to be able to do anything about it. Except maybe paint my nails. Finish up my website even though as the days pass I am starting to think it's lame.

I'm thinking maybe I should remove most of everything about me and focus on other things. Art I love. Magazines (print and online) that I like. Shit like that.

I dunno. Maybe I'm just having another one of those moments I tend to have when things aren't exactly going my way and I decide that everything is turning to shit.

I don't know.

When I figure it out I'll throw a fucking party.
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Friday, April 02, 2004

Ugh.

I feel like refried shit yet again. I'm so tired I want to kill someone/something. Seriously. And listening to Janis Joplin and Metallica isn't making me feel better.

So um..grr or some fucking thing.

Yeah.

And naturally I totally forgot what I was going to say. I feel CRAPPY!!!

Although I can say yay I'm actually going to sleep today. Whoohaaa I got me all in check.
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Tuesday, March 30, 2004

So here I am. Monday. feeling like it's a Monday. I feel like the girl in the song. I don't like Mondays. Wasn't really in the mood for sitting under flourescents staring at a multitude of computer screens but here I am. Gotta pay the bills right.

So anyway.

In other news I still haven't finished my website. Laziness. And it looks like I will have to wait until this coming week to get done. I just realized that the computer I'm working on lags so bad the clock is thirteen minutes slow. Beautiful. Gotta love working with the quality equipment.

I'm starting to think that it's not my body causing all the tiredness but my job. I do like my job but, the work enviorns make me so sleepy. It's draining. The bad light. Bad chairs. Unadjustable monitors. All are adding up to stresses on my body I'm not liking. Up and down the stairs. Knees hurting. Sciatic pain. Mmm what next? Contacts drying out in my head.

I want to complain but, I don't see what good it would do. I'd rather not stress out my boss or coworkers with my ravings. I just want to not be hurting and headachy and shit after or during work. It's distracting.

Aside from that I might be doing ok. Not that I know because I feel weird and strained here. Constantly on edge and tense. Not healthy. Perhaps it is a good part of why I've been feeling so wibbly and ill-ish the past year and a half or so. And it feels like the purse strings etc are tightening.

Stress is so much fun. Innit?

Oh well. I remind myself now that I have a job and a roof over my head. I have people in my life who love me no matter how crazy I get. I should really be feeling much better at this point.

It seems to me that There's a fine fine line as to how much stress I deal well with until either my head blows up or I do something stupid. I've always been fairly good at gauging that but lately I feel like I've been slacking in that regard. There are a lot of things I just cannot bring myself to give more than a half a shit about. I've gotten apathetic in my old age.

And it does go in cycles. Yes it does. I get all fired up on one hand but then the minute after I'm shrugging and saying, 'whatever'. Not my usual MO. But there ya go. Hell.

I'm growing weary with myself. Weary with this shit I think about constantly. I'd much prefer having other thoughts in my head but these are the ones I've got. Weee.

Enough from me for now.
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Sunday, March 28, 2004

Sometimes on days like this I'm not sure how fond of myself I am. At least portions of myself. I can't write to my own satisfaction and it's making me entirely cranky. I piss myself off.

Fuck this too. I'm not in the mood.
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Friday, March 26, 2004

I think I feel better now. No computer eating bloggy entries. My website is almost ready for the full launch. I got a nice email from a writer who's website I frequent. And things are going in general pretty well.

No feeling the need to cry jags. Thankfully.

Oh the joys of womanhood. Once a month you want to cry, kill things, rip out your uterus and/or just sit waiting for it to stop. I truly envy women for whom their period makes little difference in their lives.

I wish.

Only when I'm riding the red tide is it that I almost burst into tears at work. Or a few kind words from a friend put me into near wailing. Only then. Otherwise no.

So yes things are progressing nicely. I will finish up making my banners upload pages and then BOOOOM NUDEMUSE drops like a bomb.

Oh that was poetic wasn't it.

I actually had a point but I lost it now. Ohh well c'est la vie.

Mais non?

Bon voyage mon ami. Je t'aime. Je t'aime.
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Thursday, March 25, 2004

Oh for fucks sake. I just had a wonderful entry all typed up and managed to delete the entire fucking thing,.

Goddamn it.

I swear sometimes I'm in need of some sort of mental laxative just to get all the bullshit out so I can actually fucking think once in awhile.

Fuck.
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Sunday, March 21, 2004

I feel much better today. I had such a day on Friday it wasn't even funny. But now weee look I'm all better. Well not entirely all better but I did have pie so that makes up for a bunch.

I also did something out of character for me. I went to a journalling site and posted an anonymous letter to a friend that I had a falling out with sometime ago. I can be pretty chicken shit when it comes to things like that. And I'm pretty positive she hates me now. Even though it was an enourmous misunderstanding.

It makes me so sad when things like that happens. I love this woman dearly and miss having her as a friend so much it's a raw place in my heart. I was really hurt when she lashed out at me. Deeply terribly hurt. But I did forgive her. And unlike with most people if she contacted me this very moment I'd welcome her with open arms and want to work things out.

What makes it all the worst is that it was all a big fucking misunderstanding. Her seeing things that just were not there and acting on them. Over a man.

Yes. Over a man.

I have never in my life been one of those women who will bust up friendships over some guy. Because most are just that. Just some dude. Or chick for that matter. The point is that sex and romance tends to come and go. But good friends are what you really need in life. Or maybe that's just me.

I don't know

Fuck now I want to cry again.

You know sometimes it really sucks being a girl.
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Saturday, March 20, 2004

Ever just have one of those days? I've been at work going on twelve hours which was a mistake on my part.

But of course earlier everything went to hell in a handbasket. Then threatened to again (it was a false alarm, windoze blue screen of death as opposed to whole network crashing) I start to relax. Then because I am a good enough drone that I do customer service without bitching overmuch, I am on the phone with some bitch who cannot answer a.)a direct question, b.)seem to have any idea how badly she is fucking up her own account. And c.) the worst, a huge ability to point the finger at me.

Not at the company or at the software or at network gremlins who make things crash. No at me.

Somehow I've waved my magic wand and seem to give enough of a shit about this chick to actually do something to make her account not work.

Ugh.

Add to that, I can't finish the candy bar my honey bought me because my stomach is upset.

Now something else isn't working right and I'm all freaked out trying to pin it down and it turns out there's no actual way I could have figured it out anyway.

God DAMN IT!!

Then I page the wrong person.

It's 5 oclock in the motherfucking morning and I page the wrong person. Granted he's a very nice man who didn't yell at me but still.

Then i talk to not the person I paged but his wife. Talking to me like I don't know how to do my damn job.

Ok YEAH HI NO!

I have got some raging PMS, I feel like stepped on shit and I'm supposed to be going to my parents house to get presents today but no. I'm going to be too fucking tired and wibbly to do so.

Motherfucker.

Just not my fucking night.

And now I'm embarassed because when the wrongly paged person called back I almost burst into tears.

I am NOT that female.

I do not break into tears at every sign of stress at work. In fact I think I've cried all of two times in the almost four years I've worked here. And only one was actually work related.

But I was working alone so you didn't see anything did ya punchy?

I need to go home, take a bath. Get into reading some lovely book that takes me away. Finish my fucking website. Stop saying FUCK for five motherfucking minutes. And maybe have a cry.

That's one thing about me that I don't quite get. I don't cry very often. In fact as a friend pointed out the other day I tend to be either rather stoic in the face of big emotional/mental ouchies. Or I get mean.

Well this bitch needs to cry.

Actually for once I think it would make me feel better.

But I honestly deep down hate to cry with a serious passion. Like a HUGE bad no crying sort of feelng.

Oh and the mania descends.

I'll crash and burn in a few hours just watch me.

For now I'm going to go smoke a fucking cigarette before I throw myself out of my office chair and onto the floor kicking and screaming. So yeah.

Nudiebeasty(not quite feeling Muse-ish today) needs a fucking time out.

And a bum rub.
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Friday, March 19, 2004

I have been 27 years old for alittle over 24 hours now. And like every other birthday I've had some reflections on myself and my life to date. Where I'm going. Etc.

So where am I?

I am in a pretty good place. I am loved. By wonderful amazing people who never make me feel bad about being who I am. People who I can tell when I'm having a shit day. People who share joys and sorrows with me.

At twenty seven years old I wake most days inwardly amazed that I am alive. There were some years when I didn't think I'd live another few days or a week. But I did. Maybe as my Great Grandma said, 'too mean to die'. Could be.

There are some things I'd like to change. Some behaviours I need to do something about. But I'm working on it. I'm trying.

I have issues. Yes. But ya know what?

Over all I'm glad to be where I am.

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Monday, February 23, 2004

Welcome to my new blog.
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