Monday, November 29, 2004

Truthfully speaking I'm reaching a point where a lot of the 'important' things are becoming far less so. I'm finding it more and more difficult to really care whether or not people like the new look of my department, I don't really care who lost their cell phone, who did this blablabla.

It's hard for me to pay attention to where/when I did/did not put things. Not because of the mysterio health issues but because I find my concerns moving in other directions.

For example I have this checklist thing I'm required to do. Consciously and analytically I understand the importance of the documentation etc etc. But right now I don't actively care. Why? Well mostly because I spend most of my time figuring out how to keep a roof over my head and food in the cupboard. Because I spend hours looking for a part time job. Because I am more concerned with trying to at least have enough money for food and trying to pay bills.

I hate that I feel this way. That all my other concerns leave little room for really caring about work beyond making sure I get a paycheck and/or making sure I don't yet get myself fired or something. Yes I complain about my job but, I CANNOT survive without it.

I get this terrible feeling of guilt because of how sheerly apathetic I've become. I realize that I can only take so much stress and there's been more than enough to go around. Matter of fact in the past two months I can say with honesty I'm very surprised I'm getting any sleep at all, that I'm not sick etc. I still feel like crap though. I'm exhausted as it is and I don't know how I'm going to try and fit in another few hours somewhere.

I feel trapped in my life the way it is. And I don't know what to do. I wish I did.
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