Tuesday, March 30, 2004

So here I am. Monday. feeling like it's a Monday. I feel like the girl in the song. I don't like Mondays. Wasn't really in the mood for sitting under flourescents staring at a multitude of computer screens but here I am. Gotta pay the bills right.

So anyway.

In other news I still haven't finished my website. Laziness. And it looks like I will have to wait until this coming week to get done. I just realized that the computer I'm working on lags so bad the clock is thirteen minutes slow. Beautiful. Gotta love working with the quality equipment.

I'm starting to think that it's not my body causing all the tiredness but my job. I do like my job but, the work enviorns make me so sleepy. It's draining. The bad light. Bad chairs. Unadjustable monitors. All are adding up to stresses on my body I'm not liking. Up and down the stairs. Knees hurting. Sciatic pain. Mmm what next? Contacts drying out in my head.

I want to complain but, I don't see what good it would do. I'd rather not stress out my boss or coworkers with my ravings. I just want to not be hurting and headachy and shit after or during work. It's distracting.

Aside from that I might be doing ok. Not that I know because I feel weird and strained here. Constantly on edge and tense. Not healthy. Perhaps it is a good part of why I've been feeling so wibbly and ill-ish the past year and a half or so. And it feels like the purse strings etc are tightening.

Stress is so much fun. Innit?

Oh well. I remind myself now that I have a job and a roof over my head. I have people in my life who love me no matter how crazy I get. I should really be feeling much better at this point.

It seems to me that There's a fine fine line as to how much stress I deal well with until either my head blows up or I do something stupid. I've always been fairly good at gauging that but lately I feel like I've been slacking in that regard. There are a lot of things I just cannot bring myself to give more than a half a shit about. I've gotten apathetic in my old age.

And it does go in cycles. Yes it does. I get all fired up on one hand but then the minute after I'm shrugging and saying, 'whatever'. Not my usual MO. But there ya go. Hell.

I'm growing weary with myself. Weary with this shit I think about constantly. I'd much prefer having other thoughts in my head but these are the ones I've got. Weee.

Enough from me for now.
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Sunday, March 28, 2004

Sometimes on days like this I'm not sure how fond of myself I am. At least portions of myself. I can't write to my own satisfaction and it's making me entirely cranky. I piss myself off.

Fuck this too. I'm not in the mood.
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Friday, March 26, 2004

I think I feel better now. No computer eating bloggy entries. My website is almost ready for the full launch. I got a nice email from a writer who's website I frequent. And things are going in general pretty well.

No feeling the need to cry jags. Thankfully.

Oh the joys of womanhood. Once a month you want to cry, kill things, rip out your uterus and/or just sit waiting for it to stop. I truly envy women for whom their period makes little difference in their lives.

I wish.

Only when I'm riding the red tide is it that I almost burst into tears at work. Or a few kind words from a friend put me into near wailing. Only then. Otherwise no.

So yes things are progressing nicely. I will finish up making my banners upload pages and then BOOOOM NUDEMUSE drops like a bomb.

Oh that was poetic wasn't it.

I actually had a point but I lost it now. Ohh well c'est la vie.

Mais non?

Bon voyage mon ami. Je t'aime. Je t'aime.
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Thursday, March 25, 2004

Oh for fucks sake. I just had a wonderful entry all typed up and managed to delete the entire fucking thing,.

Goddamn it.

I swear sometimes I'm in need of some sort of mental laxative just to get all the bullshit out so I can actually fucking think once in awhile.

Fuck.
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Sunday, March 21, 2004

I feel much better today. I had such a day on Friday it wasn't even funny. But now weee look I'm all better. Well not entirely all better but I did have pie so that makes up for a bunch.

I also did something out of character for me. I went to a journalling site and posted an anonymous letter to a friend that I had a falling out with sometime ago. I can be pretty chicken shit when it comes to things like that. And I'm pretty positive she hates me now. Even though it was an enourmous misunderstanding.

It makes me so sad when things like that happens. I love this woman dearly and miss having her as a friend so much it's a raw place in my heart. I was really hurt when she lashed out at me. Deeply terribly hurt. But I did forgive her. And unlike with most people if she contacted me this very moment I'd welcome her with open arms and want to work things out.

What makes it all the worst is that it was all a big fucking misunderstanding. Her seeing things that just were not there and acting on them. Over a man.

Yes. Over a man.

I have never in my life been one of those women who will bust up friendships over some guy. Because most are just that. Just some dude. Or chick for that matter. The point is that sex and romance tends to come and go. But good friends are what you really need in life. Or maybe that's just me.

I don't know

Fuck now I want to cry again.

You know sometimes it really sucks being a girl.
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Saturday, March 20, 2004

Ever just have one of those days? I've been at work going on twelve hours which was a mistake on my part.

But of course earlier everything went to hell in a handbasket. Then threatened to again (it was a false alarm, windoze blue screen of death as opposed to whole network crashing) I start to relax. Then because I am a good enough drone that I do customer service without bitching overmuch, I am on the phone with some bitch who cannot answer a.)a direct question, b.)seem to have any idea how badly she is fucking up her own account. And c.) the worst, a huge ability to point the finger at me.

Not at the company or at the software or at network gremlins who make things crash. No at me.

Somehow I've waved my magic wand and seem to give enough of a shit about this chick to actually do something to make her account not work.

Ugh.

Add to that, I can't finish the candy bar my honey bought me because my stomach is upset.

Now something else isn't working right and I'm all freaked out trying to pin it down and it turns out there's no actual way I could have figured it out anyway.

God DAMN IT!!

Then I page the wrong person.

It's 5 oclock in the motherfucking morning and I page the wrong person. Granted he's a very nice man who didn't yell at me but still.

Then i talk to not the person I paged but his wife. Talking to me like I don't know how to do my damn job.

Ok YEAH HI NO!

I have got some raging PMS, I feel like stepped on shit and I'm supposed to be going to my parents house to get presents today but no. I'm going to be too fucking tired and wibbly to do so.

Motherfucker.

Just not my fucking night.

And now I'm embarassed because when the wrongly paged person called back I almost burst into tears.

I am NOT that female.

I do not break into tears at every sign of stress at work. In fact I think I've cried all of two times in the almost four years I've worked here. And only one was actually work related.

But I was working alone so you didn't see anything did ya punchy?

I need to go home, take a bath. Get into reading some lovely book that takes me away. Finish my fucking website. Stop saying FUCK for five motherfucking minutes. And maybe have a cry.

That's one thing about me that I don't quite get. I don't cry very often. In fact as a friend pointed out the other day I tend to be either rather stoic in the face of big emotional/mental ouchies. Or I get mean.

Well this bitch needs to cry.

Actually for once I think it would make me feel better.

But I honestly deep down hate to cry with a serious passion. Like a HUGE bad no crying sort of feelng.

Oh and the mania descends.

I'll crash and burn in a few hours just watch me.

For now I'm going to go smoke a fucking cigarette before I throw myself out of my office chair and onto the floor kicking and screaming. So yeah.

Nudiebeasty(not quite feeling Muse-ish today) needs a fucking time out.

And a bum rub.
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Friday, March 19, 2004

I have been 27 years old for alittle over 24 hours now. And like every other birthday I've had some reflections on myself and my life to date. Where I'm going. Etc.

So where am I?

I am in a pretty good place. I am loved. By wonderful amazing people who never make me feel bad about being who I am. People who I can tell when I'm having a shit day. People who share joys and sorrows with me.

At twenty seven years old I wake most days inwardly amazed that I am alive. There were some years when I didn't think I'd live another few days or a week. But I did. Maybe as my Great Grandma said, 'too mean to die'. Could be.

There are some things I'd like to change. Some behaviours I need to do something about. But I'm working on it. I'm trying.

I have issues. Yes. But ya know what?

Over all I'm glad to be where I am.

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