Monday, November 29, 2004

Truthfully speaking I'm reaching a point where a lot of the 'important' things are becoming far less so. I'm finding it more and more difficult to really care whether or not people like the new look of my department, I don't really care who lost their cell phone, who did this blablabla.

It's hard for me to pay attention to where/when I did/did not put things. Not because of the mysterio health issues but because I find my concerns moving in other directions.

For example I have this checklist thing I'm required to do. Consciously and analytically I understand the importance of the documentation etc etc. But right now I don't actively care. Why? Well mostly because I spend most of my time figuring out how to keep a roof over my head and food in the cupboard. Because I spend hours looking for a part time job. Because I am more concerned with trying to at least have enough money for food and trying to pay bills.

I hate that I feel this way. That all my other concerns leave little room for really caring about work beyond making sure I get a paycheck and/or making sure I don't yet get myself fired or something. Yes I complain about my job but, I CANNOT survive without it.

I get this terrible feeling of guilt because of how sheerly apathetic I've become. I realize that I can only take so much stress and there's been more than enough to go around. Matter of fact in the past two months I can say with honesty I'm very surprised I'm getting any sleep at all, that I'm not sick etc. I still feel like crap though. I'm exhausted as it is and I don't know how I'm going to try and fit in another few hours somewhere.

I feel trapped in my life the way it is. And I don't know what to do. I wish I did.
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Monday, November 22, 2004

Haven't updated in awhile. And here we go...suffice it to say I fucking hate Mondays.

Ok so I get to work and weee oh look they painted and it looks nice. Then I get to the area I work in and there's shit everywhere. We have these ginormous black desks that were hauled in today. When I got here one computer was available for use and it happens to be a computer that fucking hates me.

Now let's note that about 5 years worth of under large desk dust has been kicked up and my contacts feel like they are coated with mother fucker asbestos.

Then...oh lalala I get a call from a collections agent.

Nothing personal against anyone who does it for a living but we all gotta pay bills right?

Ok my problem is with their tactics,. Now the first time this lady calls I tell her clearly that I am at work but would be glad to talk to her later. So she says no we need to talk about this now. I say no I'm by myself and busy right now. Then she says I'll call you back in five minutes.

WHAT THE FUCK?

Do the words could you please call me back in two hours or so not make sense?

Then she does call back and gets me entirely fucking confused. She says first they can settle right here and now for 1200$. Now being that I'm not a crook or a thief if I had 1200k (after I told her I have 30 dollars to my name.) Do we think I'd be worrying about telling her exactly what my fucking financial situation is right now.

So then another brilliant idea she says that I can give them three hundred dollars on friday. After I tell her I don't get paid until dundundaaaaa next motherfucking Wedsnesday? I HAVE 30 GODDAMN DOLLARS where the FUCK am I going to get 300.

I told her straight up that I dont' own anything. I dont' have a car I don't have a house, I don't own a MOTHERFUCKING COUCH! I have nothing that someone will loan me money against.

So then I tell her that I'd be willing to make a 450 dollar payment on 12/29. Then she hands me over to this speed talking girl who (while I was on fucking speaker phone I might add) says oh you shoulda charged her 78% instead of saying 50. You won't make money off of that.

Ok put me on fucking hold. Don't make me listen to you Miss I talk so fast I confuse people then get pissed off when they get confused, talk about what a dead beat I am. I fucking know already OK.

Then she proceeds to tell me over and over again that she HAS to have money now or the company is going to take it that I am refusing to pay. We go round and round, I say I'd love to pay but I just do not have what you want. I don't have it now and i won't have it by fucking friday.

Then I calmly tell her that if it's their policy to try and collect from homeless people *(because if I paid how and what she wanted that's what I'd be) then they could go ahead and do that but I do not want to be homeless.


At this point I'm almost in tears because she just keeps telling me she has to have something right this instant or else they are going to take me to court and garnish my wages and blablabla.

So then I finally just agree to pay 150$ on the 15th of next month. Then she freaks out on me because I dont' have my check book. Why don't you have your check book with you? BLALBABLA look I dont' have any money I am at work why the FUCK would I be carrying my motherfucking checkbook? give me a good reason please.

So anyhow story ends like this. I have to wake up at ass crack early because it's convienent for ~her~ to give my check info.

BLAH

And I totally called someone with a false alarm type thing and now I'm embarassed. :(

I want to go the fuck home.

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