Monday, July 25, 2005

I have discovered recently that my tolerance for bad writing and assholes has grown exponentially smaller.

I also realized that a large part of my dismay at the world is because any retard with a computer and a credit card can now magically become an 'author'. It makes me sad. Remember when self publishing was a punk rock cool thing to do? Now it seems like self publication is what people who think their genius isn't yet recognized by the majority of the literate human race do.

There are quite a few authors I've discovered here and there who I've grown to love. Sadly though there are more and more (what seems to me to be) repositories for whatever drivel someone can spew.

I really thought about it and this isn't the 'I'm not getting published' sort of angst. It's more the 'I don't want to be published alongside this shit' kind of angst. Does that make me a snob?

Or does it mean I should give up this writing shit and start editing my own magazine?

Probably not. At least the editing part. Let me pick stuff but don't let me try and pick it apart.

The above was mostly inspired due to me reading some of the 'author' boards and communities. Mostly because goddamn, some of the shit is just shit and there's no way around it.

So yeah.

Anyhow in other news I just finished reading Jazz by Toni Morrison and honestly I don't know if I liked it or not. It wasn't incredibly compelling to me, I didn't really get into the POV at all. I think maybe I'm just not into her books and should quit trying. I've read The Bluest Eye, Beloved, etc but not been able to get really deep into any of them.

Next up I'm reading Carrion Comfort by Dan Simmons. I read A Winter's Haunting by him quite awhile ago and enjoyed it very much so I'm looking forward to this. 800 some odd pages and from what I've read about it my mouth is watering.

I'm not sure what's next after that. I might splurge and find myself some juicy non fic of some sort.

In writing news I've finally gotten my hands on Roughdraft again (I LOVE that program) that makes me happy. Also I've got these notes scribbled in the notebook I haul around, I usually am not one to make a lot of notes while I write but I've got this thing knocking around in my head that I can't get rid of or really get to. So I've been making flow charts and lists and notes trying to get at it.

That approach seldom works for me so I'm going to do what I'm good at and just write the fucker. See what it is and what I get.

I started already and I'm relatively nervous about it.

So that's all that's crackin in Nudiemuse world right now. That and I'm having a terrible terrible craving for Greek food.

Hungry....send money.

Goodnight Sally.

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Useless information.

Birthplace:El Paso TX
Current Location:Seatown
Eye Color:Black
Hair Color:Black
Right Handed or Left Handed:Righty
Your Heritage:Lots of brown with a lil less brown mixed in.
The Shoes You Wore Today:Blue suede sneakers
Your Weakness:Anger, Sensitivity
Your Fears:Slugs (EW) Birds
Your Perfect Pizza:Bacon, pepperoni, cheese
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year:Get published again.
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger:Brb..peeing
Thoughts First Waking Up:I have to pee
Your Best Physical Feature:Big sexy brains
Your Bedtime:3-6 AM
Your Most Missed Memory:Uh.....
Pepsi or Coke:NO
MacDonalds or Burger King:Yeah...uh
Single or Group Dates:Both
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea:Genmaicha
Chocolate or Vanilla:Vanilla
Cappuccino or Coffee:Coffee BITCH
Do you Smoke:Yes
Do you Swear:The fuck did you say?
Do you Sing:Yes
Do you Shower Daily:Most of the time
Have you Been in Love:Yes
Do you want to go to College:Yes
Do you want to get Married:Maybe
Do you belive in yourself:Usually
Do you get Motion Sickness:No
Do you think you are Attractive:Sometimes
Are you a Health Freak:No
Do you get along with your Parents:Kinda
Do you like Thunderstorms:Yes
Do you play an Instrument:Yes
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol:Yes
In the past month have you Smoked:Yes
In the past month have you been on Drugs:No
In the past month have you gone on a Date:Yes
In the past month have you gone to a Mall:No
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos:No
In the past month have you eaten Sushi:Yes
In the past month have you been on Stage:No
In the past month have you been Dumped:No
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping:No
In the past month have you Stolen Anything:No
Ever been Drunk:Yes
Ever been called a Tease:Yes
Ever been Beaten up:Sorta
Ever Shoplifted:Think so
How do you want to Die:Very old, very cranky and in my sleep.
What do you want to be when you Grow Up:A Kid.
What country would you most like to Visit:Russia (currently)
In a Boy/Girl..
Favourite Eye Color:Any
Favourite Hair Color:Depends
Short or Long Hair:Both
Best Clothing Style:Decent
Number of Drugs I have taken:Yeah...uh most of them except heroin.
Number of CDs I own:Shit I don't know
Number of Piercings:three
Number of Tattoos:One
Number of things in my Past I Regret:A few



Tuesday, July 19, 2005

Some of the shitty poetry I've been writing that I don't think I'll post in my other blog. So yeah.

Do I call thee demon?
You stare at me as if I should know better.
You look like I should be jealous.
Jealous of your smile and wily ways.
You part my lips in the semblance of a snarl.
Eyes that are not mine stare from the mirror.
Bestial beauty.
Barely constrained by civility.
I look closer.
Yes eye to eye with the enemy.
I smile - She smiles.
Obsidian eyes gleaming with cold fire.
I say I'll eat you alive.
She says I'll finish you for desert.
Slowly she is no longer the stranger.
This skin is my own.
The glittering eyes I begin to recognize.
And I am no ghost.
I smile and give her a wink.
She smiles and winks back.
We say - I don't love you but I know you.
Love will come soon enough.
The woman I was-
The woman I am
Together behind black eyes and secret smiles.

Other assorted fragments

The give of my flesh between your teeth? Taste me on your tongue? Do your fingers stretch for me still in the night?

I'll call for you in the long empty night. Seek the high places and howl my desires into the careless wind. Show myself as naked desire to the face of the moon. I will call until I have no voice and then- I will wait for you.

Yeah that's it.

Goodnight Sally. For real this time.
Currently I'm drinking some very strong detox tea given the amount of Advil I'm taking.

In laptop news I found three different ones I want and will be making my final decision next week.

In writing news: three subs still out. Didn't win the fiction contest I entered. Got a nice thank you note with the winners announcements. other news my stomach is kind of angry but I think it was the Powerbar I ate. I used to really hate those but, I've grown kind of fond of them.

I also have a new purse. I got an Elvis purse at Rite aid and it is KICK ASS. The King, on my arm. And it has a matching coin purse.

I got a nice compliment on my style today. One of the workers on the ferry a nice older lady said I always wear the most interesting well put together things. Today she said I looked like I should be in the Matrix.

I'm wearing a full length black net dress, black yoga pants and a black tanktop with spider webs down the left breast and side. Along with my cloth mary janes since I need a stretcher for my leather ones (Note to self find shoe stretcher thinger). My nails are painted black, I'm wearing a black silky head wrap, and I had on my new lovely black sunglasses with the bronze looking accents at the temples.

And of course my very cute hoody from Old Navy. My first puchase from Old Navy and I like it save for the stupid pinky striped ribbon thing that I intend to cut off.

I also wore a bright red dress the other day. BRIGHT fire engine red which I'm not sure how I feel about it. I like the color but the cut of the top gives me a bit of the uniboob. So I think I'm going to cut the top off and make a wide-ish black sash for the skirt so it can be a mid-rise circle skirt.

I recently started using Aveeno's POSITIVELY RADIANT™ Cleanser and I have to say a few days in I'm liking it quite a bit. I tried the Neutrogena skin evening stuff but I found my skin was a little too flaky and weird using it.

How boring am I? I do actually have something to talk about just have to work my mind around it I suppose. I've been writing shitty poetry again *spanks own hand* I might post it I might not it depends. I wrote another little prose free write kind of thing because I saw a woman who reminded me face wise of someone I miss talking to. Might post that too.

So yeah. I don't think I have much else to say currently.


Thursday, July 14, 2005

After yesterdays mental debacle of self doubt I'm regrouping and not posting my essays just yet.

In other news I have a decision to make.

I found some laptops on Ebay that look like they would suit many of my needs. But It's over 100 bucks (yeah yeah I know I'm a cheap fucker) and I have to think it all out very very carefully.

Pros: Ease of writing. I can work on what I'm working on, up my productivity, hopefully gain more ground in getting established. I've been wanting a laptop in a real bad way for a really long time and $300 bucks is a damn good deal. Speaking of productive I would be able to take my laptop walk to the coffee shop by the house and work. That would go a long way towards keeping me sane. So the HUGE pro here is time. I would have more time to write and that is something that matters to me.

Cons: It's expensive. That's a shitload of money. I'd have to get a laptop bag of some sort. It's expensive. It's fucking expensive. ~

So my big issue obviously is the cost. Rationally I realize that the cost isn't entirely the actual issue. It's that nagging voice that says, 'don't waste your time' 'why do you bother?' 'Jesus crispy you suck'. Etc etc.

I really have to make a decision here. I think doing it against all these bells and whistles going off in my head would be the start to a good thing.

In non-Nudiemuse angsting news I saw something disturbing last night. There's a group of homeless men I see most every day and as I was walking for the ferry last night I stopped to chat with one of them because he looked upset.

He got rousted by the cops and humiliated. He was almost stripped, his containers of food were taken and thrown away, his bottle of water someone bought for him the other day when it was warm was thrown away. It made me sad.

Given that I rarely have much money I gave him two dollars, (one for him and one for his friend) for bus fare to get to one of the shelters, and I gave him my groceries. It wasn't much just a few bananas, a few cookies and a sandwhich. But, it made me feel so bad.

I hate seeing people terrorized and harassed like that. I get angry that there's not much I can do. But I do what I can.

So yeah my trek home started off on a depressing note but got better because I sat and started yet another essay that I'm still not done with.

So there you have it. All the news in Nudiemuse world.

Goodnight Sally.

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

On further thought I think I know what my problem is. I do this on occasion especially when I'm reading anything that I deem as being excellent writing.

I have the intense shame moment of, my god woman you're a hack and a silly bint so stop with that already. Generally followed in short order by the other inside voice saying, 'fuck that, you know you can do it. So shut up and do it bitch.'

So maybe i'll be over it by the time I post next. So yeah that's what that was about.
I'm a fucking weirdo.

Given my new enjoyment of creative non-fiction I've been trying my hand at essays. I figure if I just keep writing them at some point I might actually get better at them. So here's what I wrote last night.


So yeah no. I've contracted a deadly case of 'that sucks do not show this to people'-itis. I'm not sure where that came from but the essays will stay in my little green paper notebook for now.

That was weird. I'd fully intended on sharing it and then talking all about how much I'm enjoying learning this new skill.

But yeah ok.

Anyhow, fuck that really derailed my entire train of thought. Mmm.

I can't think of much else to say. Goddamn brain put to a fucking halt by one little thought derailment.

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

Chained is how I feel. Chained to a life that is not serving my purpose. I know what and where I am supposed to be going in life. (Yes that IS in fact what I tell myself.) But, most of the time it feels like there's nothing but road blocks.

I'm writing this between stapling endless 'shift' packettes. I've thus far stapled 60 packettes at 4 pages for one and 5 for the other. That's something like 390 sheets of paper and some 240 to go. I can feel a good many papercuts criss crossing the already dry skin of my fingers.

I had a mental image of my skin peeling away and dripping blood and tissue to reveal not finger bones but, clawed things.

I've got such pleasant day dreams.

Anyhow. I have a few little things for people I want to mail out but haven't had the energy to actually get it done.

I'm currently reading Confessions of an English Opium Eater and other writings. The copy I have is out of print. A beautiful old thing with yellowed pages and a spine that is still tight and intact.

I just finished reading Stranger than Fiction: True Stories by Chuck Palahniuk. After you read the book the cover art seems very very creepy. That was very good. I really enjoy his prose. I might read it again given that my reading has reached crack habit proportions.

An example: I was very nearly late for work yesterday because I was at one of my favorite book stores, Twice Sold Tales perusing old Stephen King paperbacks for editions that caught my eye and petting a big fat gray striped kitty when I just glanced at the clock and had that, 'OH SHIT' moment and went scurrying out of the store. Damn near left my bag too.

I saw at least four books I really want but they are all over ten dollars so none of that. At least not from there I have them written down and will peruse the net for cheaper editions.

I've got 'Paint it Black' as done by Johnny Lang going through my head. Probably because my nails are currently a very shiny black any hot rodder would be proud to see on his car. I think tonight I'm going to add red glitter just because.

I've begun seriously considering putting together a poetry chap book. Although I know full well that poetry isn't a hugely buyable thing I think I'd like to have it.

Anyhow I've been pecking at this between papercuts and staples long enough. More later perhaps.

And I'll leave you with one of my favorite movie quotes:

"Holy hell, is that monkey waving at us? Oh shit. It understood us. Maybe it's some kind of super monkey. What if there's more supermonkeys up at that lab? WHAT IF THEY'RE CREATING AN ARMY OF THEM? Holy shit. It must be a conspiracy like in the X-Files... ROSWELL style. This little monkey could be the fuckin' damn dirty ape responsible for the fall of the human race. In this world gone mad, we won't spank the monkey- the monkey will spank us. And after the fall of man, these monkey fucks'll start wearing our clothes and rebuilding the world in their image. OH and only those as super smart as me will be left alive to bitterly cry - YOU MANIACS! DAMN YOUS! Goddamn yous all to hell! "

Sunday, July 10, 2005

Ah the dulcet tones of stupid men.

I was talking to a cab driver who plays and records music. Great. We got to talking about music and he said one of those things that I just, well it made me twitch.

"I don't listen to other music. I don't want my voice tainted."

How about I kick you in your taint?

I've listened to a lot of musicians and writers talk about how they stay away from other peoples work to keep theirs 'pure'. That just, well suffice it to say that annoys the piss out of me.

In other news no news on the three subs I have out right now. One I probably won't know for at least another month or so. The other two I'll just have to wait and see.

Not having my computer here makes getting to stuff I was working on pre-life going to hell difficult. I've got a few things I'd had hidden on my ftp and things I've started since but it's not really the same. I"m trying.

I've been thinking that at some point I really should start getting together some of the Ctuthulu (did I spell that right I'm tired) R'Leyh/vampire blablabla mythos I've been writing for the last few years. And write more.

Write more as always. More. Constantly more.

Writing is a greedy mistress.

And I need to start pricing my tattoo again. Goddamn traveling tattooists. Ok I think I've entertained myself enough here. I stink and should shower. And I'm annoyed.

Goodnight Sally.

Friday, July 08, 2005

And the foolishness keeps on coming.

Just yesterday a young (read manchild) guy I work with said something to me that brought a flood of amazing and instant anger. I was listening to Metallica S&M (one of my favorite albums by the way) and he said, "you listen to the whitest music ever. That's just trash."

After my 'die junior' look I sat here and just sort of fumed. Do people actually still think this way? Then I remember yes ignorance abounds. People still have this idiotic need to associate race with music.

Country- Redneck white people
Rap- Ghetto black people/white people who want to be black

I find it disgusting and above all else absolutely stupid. The kind of stupid that takes over and has no redeeming qualities.

Enough said about that.

The next time you or anyone you know has something that stupid come out of his/her mouth, feel free to eat shit. Or forcefeed him/her shit because that's what they are spewing.

Maybe not enough said about that.

Anyhow right now I'm listening to a piano quartet by Gabriel Faure. His Requiem is one of the most beautiful pieces of music. If you ever have a chance I highly suggest seeing it performed with a full orchestra and chorus. It's breathtaking.

Since I'm talking the classics here one of my favorite forms of composition is the fugue. I'm extremely partial to those by Bach. His Toccata and Fugue in G minor (click that to hear midi samples). If you can ever hear it done by a saxophone quartet I highly recommend it.

I actually had a point... oh yes I was thinking about how a lot of the time while I'm writing I have music in my head to go along/be part of it. I like the idea of applying what I know about music to my writing. It gives me a tingle.

Now I have a serious hankering to listen to Antonin Dvorak's New World Symphony. And Gustav Holst's The Planets.

Going to have to settle in with some more Leonard Cohen and Tom Waits. I think that's it for the night I'm tired.

Goodnight Sally.

Thursday, July 07, 2005

Türk kahvesi Az sekerli- Turkish coffee lightly sweetened in case that threw you.

That is what I want right now. However I have my slightly lightened sweetened Americano instead. That seems to be helping. And people bring your own cup to the coffee place. Whatever sort of place you go to it'll save you money.

I started this yesterday but moving on.

I've decided that in my pursuit of keeping myself sane the nights when I have relief come in early I'm going to leave just a hair early so I can sit and either have a coffee or Heinekin (I screwed the spelling on that) in order to write and/or just sit quietly by myself. I don't get enough of that and it's making me seriously cranky.

Also I need to start doing yoga. Badly.

In other news I fucking hate Playtex tampons. The shape of them versus the shape of me just does not work out well. I'm thanking my uterus I'm not heavily bleeding this time around because otherwise I'd have some stained pants.

Sometimes being a chick sucks, but then I remember multiple orgasms and I feel a little better.

I think tonight I'm going to Veet my fuzzy legs and finally wax my damn eyebrows. I got my hair relaxed and it's grown quite a bit and thickened back up. I'm quite pleased with the monster fuzz. I probably won't shave my head out of black girl hair angst.

And I got the most fabulous new sunglasses at Rite Aid. I've been in dire need of a new pair and the ones I got rock my world. I think that's about it folks.

Goodnight Sally.

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