Thursday, September 08, 2005

I woke up not feeling well at all. My left ear hurts as does that side of my throat. What joy.

I'm tired. Feeling a little limp and emotionally frayed.

I think I've discovered the niggling thing that bothes me about living on Bainbridge Island. What I don't like is the feeling of entitlement a lot of the people there seem to have. It isn't everyone but enough to seriously chap my ass.

These are people who cut in line to get on the ferry, who will elbow someone else to get off of the ferry, the people who give those 'what the fuck are you doing here?' kinds of looks.

More than once when I've said to someone in conversation that I live on the island there's been this moment of surprise. I don't feel like it's a racial thing. More like a 'you look poor' kind of thing. It's a subtle thing, more a tightening around the eyes, the quick flit of surprise that's covered by polite manners.

I don't really like that.

But that's what I get for living in a rich area isn't it?

In other news I have met some cool people. A couple of older guys I like to smoke with and shoot the shit. I have to admit it's a little bit of an ego thing. Mainly because when I told them that I am a network analyst at a telcom company they were very impressed. As if I've got some secret specialized knowledge. That's nice to have every once in awhile.

I also like some of the people I've met who work on the ferries. There's a lady who every night asks me how the book I'm reading is. She used to be a teacher and loves that I am such a book lover. Not to mention my highly varied tastes.

None of this is really very meaningful. And I'm annoying myself with it. There's a lot going on inside my head but, for reasons I can't even start to list I just can't get it out. I start to then as I've done all my life I put my head down and plow through my own emotions like a bull in a China shop.

Part of it is how I was raised and the 'rules' I've imposed on myself over the years. I learned from a very young age that I have to fend for myself. That I am not to bleed on other people emotionally. That while yes I might have problems there are people far worse off than I am and I shouldn't complain.

It's all mixed up in a work ethic that will probably kill me someday and a deeply seated sense of shame and need not to be stupid in my own mind. It's a long hard thing that I've been working on for what seems like ever. I backslide. Somedays I can say I don't feel ok right now. Others I can't.

I get tired of myself. I feel like I run around in circles chasing my tail because I don't have the something in me to make me strong enough to really face things. Along with it I feel guilty because I don't feel like a good friend. I feel like a liar. Secretive.

I'm feeling odd. Fragile and translucent. Probably because I don't feel good.

Goodnight Sally..

PS...send tea

1 comment:

Your Loving Lyricist, Anthony said...

Greetings, Nudemuse!

As your friend, a frequent visitor to your blog and a lover of all things insightful, I write to tie ribbons in your hair today. I hope you're well. I'll check back often. ;)

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