Monday, September 26, 2005

I'm feeling a little random anger. Not sure why. It's just kind of there. It's a little grief over knowing now that I'll not see Liz again anytime soon and just general 'what the fuck am I doing?' sort of angst.

Some of it comes from this physical feeling of ugh. The fact that the cheap mary jane's I bought at Rite Aid are every bit as comfortable as their 7 dollar price tag would infer. No one to blame that on but me. I know for a fact I'm causing half of my own discomfort.

How's that you might ask? Glad you did here's what I'm doing.

There are some things I am in desperate need of.

My Kmart Kicks have gotten worn to the point of being uncomfortable. Granted they are 12 dollar sneakers, and I've had them for upwards of 4 years with a lot of wear and they've done well.

I need at least one pair of decent pants that fit properly. I have 2 pairs of jeans neither of which fit right or are very flattering. I have 1 pair of fuzzy-ish lounge pants and a pair of worn yoga pants.

I need one or two good bras. The one I'm wearing the wire pops out and one of the hooks is broken. I have 1 other one I've had for years and years and it's just tired, and the other one I got I have no idea when doesn't fit quite right. The cut is very uncomfortable and makes my boobs hurt after a day of wearing.

Here's my issue with all of this. For those things. I'm looking at around 150 dollars or so for quality things. Or I could go back to Kmart or Payless shoes, back to Walmart for a pair of ugly pants.

Or the other popular option I could stop thinking about it and use that 150 to pay a couple of bills. Or buy groceries. That is probably what I'll do to tell the truth.

Ok I really hate talking about this. I feel a nasty gut ruining mix of guilt, stupidity and shame. I'm ashamed because for whatever reason I've just not been able to dig myself out of the rut I call my life. I hate that I don't have the (insert whatever here) to pull myself up by the bootstraps as they say.

Yes I've been able to keep my head above water but barely. Yes, considering my situation and income level I've done mostly ok. But it's just not enough.

I shouldn't be coming back to decisions like this again and again.

I hate that my friends get so sad about my life.

I know that I clam up and don't tell anybody anything. I hate it. But I can't always make myself be open. I've been asked why and it's everything. I hate that look, tone etc that people get when I know I'm hurting them in some way and there's nothing any of us can do about it. It's because I'm embarassed that I've not done better for myself. I'm embarassed because fuck up after fuck up I'm still right here where I've been all along.

I might not post this.

I will, I changed my mind. Most people who know me that read this probably know all of this already.

It's hard for me to even write about it anymore. I get so frustrated that even journalling becomes an exercise in some stupid shame cycle I've put myself in.

I can't blame my parents and I can't blame anyone else. I do this to myself. I'm trying not to. I'm trying to know the line between doing right, and doing right by myself but it's hard. I'm struggling trying to find the middle road and find something/someway to work it out.

So there you have it. The drama of the day.

I hate feeling like that girl. Always some issue, always something to bitch about.

It's days like this I don't want to have the need to write in any journal. I feel like I should keep it to myself.

Goodnight Sally

PS...ignore my whining. Kthnks.
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