Friday, September 09, 2005

YOU CAN SUCK MY DICK AND FUCKING LIKE IT!!! Faget-J.Davis


What is that all about? Well in what I'm pretty sure was my fever breaking dreams.
In the dream I'm (as I've been dreaming of for years now) a bass weilding banshee fronting a hardcore band of some sort.

Playing a club packed full of sweating heaving bodies, faces upturned towards mine. Some contorted while they scream along with me. Others grinning like fierce angels.

I could feel the vibrational tug of that many bodies and souls. Felt them mesh with and around me. We became a single entity bent on destroying something and rebuilding it with words and pain and release.

It was beautiful.

Then I woke up with music still on my lips. The opening line of my entry was what I was screaming right before I woke up.

My throat still hurts. And I'm singing. Good plan huh?

So yeah what was I saying? Sickly...dreaming...yeah.

I don't know how often I talk about it here but I love to sing. It's truly one of my joys in life. I've been known to sing all sorts of music. I have a deep voice. My most comfortable range is a mid-low tenor. Occasionally (enough whiskey and cigarettes in other words) and I can do some passable bass. Get me warmed up enough and I can hit a mid alto.

Just lately I've had a hankering to sing the blues. Interspersed with my hardcore banshee wailing fantasies.

Maybe someday for fun I'll write some songs and record them. Find myself some old equipment then make my Byootiful work some studio mojo on it.
I've also fancied doing a little spoken word. Maybe I'll see if I can work that out tonight and post it for the amusement of the masses.
Emotionally I'm feeling a little more stable. A little better in general. The truth is one of my biggest faults I think is my need to live up to a set of standards I've held for myself for a long time. Not the standards I hold other people to.

While I'm consoling to others I'm ruthless with myself. I've gotten better about it. Better able to know when I'm just being an asshole. But sometimes I find it so hard to just, let myself deal with myself. Rationally I'm aware when I'm just being unreasonable. Emotionally it's still hard for me to ease up and be a little gentler with myself.

So in the words of the lovely Ani Difranco-

and god help you if you are a phoenix
and you dare to rise up from the ash

Goodnight Sally...
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