Monday, October 24, 2005

It's very early Sunday morning and I'm not asleep. Rather I'm listening to comedy in the background and stewing in my growing discontent.

I'm restless. Squirming inside for some sort of change that I just can't quite touch or get to. There's dissatisfaction boiling in my brain. I'm dissatisfied with the rate of change I'm going at.

As a side note I just heard some stupid bint on television say and I fucking quote, "Europe is the safest country in the world."

Jesus tap dancing Christ.

And this stupid bitch is a millionaire.

And I can barely make ends meet.

What the fuck is wrong with the world?

I had to change the channel.

What was I saying?

Right. Dissatisfied with how effective I've been at changing my life.

For a long time now I've held the assumption that, the only way things will change for me is if I work my ass off to change them. As time has gone by I'm starting to come to the conclusion that is in fact a lie.

I don't think my ideals are too lofty. When I was younger yes. Fifteen years ago I thought by this age I'd be getting a masters degree or doctorate. Perhaps settled down somewhere writing novels by night and teaching or some such during the day. I'd have traveled to many of the places I used to read about in books. I'd have gotten over some of my childhood issues.

Maybe done some political work. Adopted a child or two. If not married at least found myself a few steady lovers. My own home. A car or motorcycle of my own. You get the idea.

I have none of that. I am not college educated. I have no trade. The most valuable thing I own is a computer that is sitting in storage that I can hardly afford.

In the last few years my dreams have come down a few notches.

All I really want out of life right now is to not have to decide between paying the rent late and having groceries. I want to not have to plan three paychecks ahead to spend forty dollars on necessary items. I don't want to have to wear things until they fall apart. I'd like once in awhile to feel the freedom to have the option of going out to dinner or out dancing without going without other things.

I want to get my teeth fixed without going into debt for three years. I want to be out of my six thousand dollar debt that I can only afford to pay a little at a time. I want to maybe in ten years be able to have a house. I want to be able to afford 25 bucks out of each paycheck to start a 401k without being afraid that 50 dollars a month will mean I go without food for a week.

Really at the bottom of it all I just don't want to struggle constantly.

It amazes me really. I'm not a lazy person. I work hard for what I have. It's come to a point that I just don't know what else I can do. My options are limited enough that for the most part I've learned that a lot of my dreams are just out of reach.

And I'm ok with that.

So now the question is what am I going to do?

After we have a King County address I've found a non profit that does career education. I can learn a trade of some sort. At this point I'm not too picky I'll do whatever they have available. As long as I make more money than I am now because another few years of making shit money is going to put me under and I'm afraid I won't be able to dig out.

I don't want pity or charity. Part of me even hates that I'm writing about this because I have a strong aversion to feeling that I'm making a spectacle of myself. I hate to think of the who knows who that might read this and think, 'What a fucking train wreck'. But yeah. Here I am doing it anyway.

Mostly because I don't really have any other outlets for this kind of thing. Especially not at four o'clock in the morning.

Admittedly there's a lot of other stuff going on with me right now but I don't want to talk about it here. Mainly because I'm embarassed and I don't think feeling that vulnerable with it just out there in the big blue nowhere would make me feel any better.

So that's it.

Goodnight.
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