Friday, November 11, 2005

I'm working on yet another tech manual thing and decided to take a
break while my eyes decide to readjust.

During some of my many talks about life and my life in particular with
Boy Venus I've come to realize that often the big picture and the
future tend to come in dead last for me.

It's a strange thing. In one respect when it comes to work and
business I'm very well able to grasp the long term and put it into the
context of right now. No problem.

But when it comes to my life, for so long now I've had to worry about
right now that I just can't process the long term.

The reasons are usually the same. Keeping a roof over my head, food
in the fridge, etc are my usual immediate concerns and tend to be more
pressing than the big projected the future.

It reminds me of this girl I used to be friends with. The friendship
ended mainly because our lives were gulfs apart but that's neither
here nor there. I remember being awed by the fact that she seemed to
have things so easy.

When she couldn't pay her rent her parents paid it. She didn't like
her job, she quit and her parents paid her bills. She wanted a new
car her parents bought one. She got married and gets the same sort of
treatment from both her husband and her parents.

At the same age I was still living with my parents and paying $575 in
rent along with household chores, babysitting whenever asked. I was
making 6.50 an hour and struggling. I paid all my own bills. Cell
phone (I didn't use my parents phone), food, transportation, other
expenses. When I lost my job in a lay off I pawned the only two very
important possessions I had and was screamed at for doing so by my
parents. But they made it clear I would be kicked out if I didn't pay
my rent.

My life revolved at that point around finding a job, going without and
getting out. I did find a job. I moved out of my parents house and
to Tacoma with the woman I worked graveyard shift at a phone sex
company billing office with. We made 7.50 an hour and supported two
kids, the house, a car. We weren't lovers but told the state we were
so the kids would have medical coverage. When our car broke down we
hustled (and by hustled I mean hustled in the pulled a fast one sense)
to get it running and drove it illegally.

We floated checks, lied occasionally to the landlord etc just to make
sure those kids had food, clothes, good birthdays and Christmas.

As I have done for a long time I did what I had to do.

Including lie, cheat and steal in a sense.

The friend I referred to above threatened to report us to the state
for fraud and I remember being so angry. How could this spoiled
provided for womanchild judge me for just trying to get by? Thus the
friendship ended.

Once upon a time I still had a bright sense of hope. Even when I was
loved and praised by an employer only to get screwed out of my job, a
chance to own a house (that fucked up my entire existence) I thought
that if I just did things right and tried hard enough the big picture,
the future would turn out ok.

I am not an optimist. As I've told Boy Venus I'm simply hard headed.

That's not to say that there haven't been (many) times in my life
where everything bad that can happen did. When I was down and out
enough that the only real option seemed like suicide or laying in the
gutter to die or let whatever happen. There have been times where I
might not have been suicidal consciously but I lived recklessly enough
that it's a miracle that I've made it to 28.

Yes. Yes I've been there. Sometimes I still have half a foot in it.
Sometimes both feet in it.

So then of course the question is why am I still here?

What keeps me going?

I am still here because there is one thing I've held in my heart for
my whole life.

Fuck that.

Fuck (insert Deity/fate/whatever idea here).

Fuck you (God or whomever) if you think you can fuck me up that badly.

Fuck you if you think I can't take it.

Fuck you because I am no body's fucking pawn.

Fuck you because I will not be ground down into nothing.

I am not joyful in this. I am not hopeful in it. I am pissed off. I
am past pissed off. I am enraged.

I will not give into the blackness and the sadness.


Because I've been through too fucking much. I've lost too many
friends, I've lost too much of what matters to me. Fuck that.

People familiar with bikers, gangsters etc will know the creed.

Fuck the World.

Loco Por Vida.

Thug Life.

Hard core.

(If you don't understand these terms look em up.)

People have asked me how I survived. That's all.

It's not that I've been saved by anyone or anything.

The plain fact is I am balls out crazy.

I'm not out to prove myself to other people. The only persons
standards I have to live up to are my own. The only person that can
save me is me. No man is an island is true, but I am my own fucking

I'm not saying it doesn't hurt. I'm not saying I get beat down and
broken. What I'm saying is fuck that. Fuck it.

Say it to yourself. Fuck it.

Even if you don't curse.

Say it.

Fuck it.

Look all the bad shit right in the eye and say fuck you.

I say it because it's the only thing I know. This is the only way I
know how to survive. And no. Sometimes the future and the big
picture aren't right there. I used to feel bad about that. But right
at this minute I don't.

I learned very young that the future doesn't always exist and tomorrow
might not come (add your own cliche here) so I do what I can to
survive the days.

Someday when I'm old and maybe not so crazy I can look back at myself
today and smile. Nod a little and raise my glass.

That is my big hope. Not just for long life but at the midnight of my
existence I want to look back and laugh.

I'm done.

If you made it through all of this congratulate yourself.


Colette Phair said...

That was inspiring, though I've probably had it a lot easier than you so far. Some people have come along and helped me. Do you think if you were totally fucked and someone did offer to support you in a sense, that you would just say "No thanks"? That you'd rather fend for yourself?

Nudiemuse said...

You know I'm not really sure. I actually have a really hard time taking help when I think I can do it by myself. It's one of those things I'm working on and some of my friends are being really wonderful and patient about it. On the good side I never take help for granted, on the bad side I never expect any.

And welcome :)

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