Tuesday, December 20, 2005

I'm having a dilemma. With my Chrismakwanzika money there is enough
for us to get a place.

Now the problem.

We all know by now I am an absolute boot whore. I have two pairs of
boots neither of which fit properly because my feet are so small. The
Demonia boots are fucking hot but big enough that even when I wear two
pairs of socks they aren't very comfortable.

My Nana boots are more comfortable but again a bit too big and they
tend to hurt my feet after a lot of walking. And since we don't have
a car I do a lot of that.

I've been researching online and found a pair of Docs that I LOVE and
think it might be good to sell the Demonia boots and buy the Docs.

Now given how my year has gone I'm seriously considering just biting
the bullet and stock piling my cash. I've got a list of other things
that have been put off because I'm terrified there will be some other
emergency and I'll find myself with no money to cover it.

I know I should get glasses, I should pay more on my
collections account, I should start paying off the money my
former landlords say I owe them because there is no way I would win a
court case. I should start saving up to get our things from
Michigan or barring that getting a contract for storage so it won't be
a monthly bill.

So the big question is comfort or paranoia.

Honestly I do not have a lot of faith that this bit of good luck is
going to stretch into a streak of good luck. I'm afraid to be hopeful
because I can't really take more disappointment.

At the same time I'm more than tired of living in fear like this.

I've been evaluating my priorities and the things I want out of life.
I went years thinking that maybe I just expected too much.

As BoyVenus has pointed out time and again (gently and not so gently)
my expectations of life are low. I don't expect anything more than
what I work for. And even my vision of what that is, is skewed.

Needless to say I have fucking issues.

So back to my original point I'm stuck. As usual I'm having a problem
trying to be nice to myself. Do I treat myself (not to mention keep
my feet warm and dry and comfortable) or ready myself for (what feels
like an inevitable) bank account draining disaster?

I really hate that I have such an iron clad sense of personal responsibility.

It's summed up like this:

I am the only person who will dig me out. If I can't take care of
something that pertains to my life it is my own fault. I HAVE
to work it out, deal with it, take care of it.

It's not healthy. It's not sane. It's not beneficial to my emotional health.

But it is all I know.

So yeah.

Fuck this is exhausting.

Boot decision will be forthcoming. I have to make some calls now to
see if any of the applications I faxed made it to the couple of
buildings who said they'd consider renting to us pending the
applications.

Goodnight Frank.

PS..
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I hate wearing panties.
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1 comment:

Colette said...

Dude, I am not paying my phone bill right now so I can go to Europe next month. Ghetto? Definitely. I've decided to be responsible AFTER I get back.

So why do I want to give other people advice not to be like me? You sound very responsible, and I think that's great.

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