Monday, December 12, 2005

The weekend was a non thing. I missed the work holiday party but
having 3 days off was refreshing. Got 2 rejections from apartment
buildings, no response from some other ones I'm trying to contact
again today.

There's nothing like the magical combination of not having much
money/having bad credit. Nothing like it to make you feel like a big
lump o shit.

Rationally I know the below not to be true but, emotionally it still stings.

As I'm dealing with people trying to find an apartment I get the
distinct 'You are a deadbeat dirtbag and we don't want you here' kind
of vibe. It's the tone. The 'oh you don't have x amount of dollars
you don't get a chance.'

Basically it's the cosmic screw you if you are a have not.

I know that there's ~something~ out there that will work out. Just
finding it is hurting my heart something fierce.

So my head understands from a business perspective but my heart is
aching for a chance.

When it comes right down to it that's all I really want is a chance.
I haven't reached out beyond a few friends for real help.

Actually I lie I did. This story is amusing in a 'go figure' kind of way.

So I call this supposed hotline for help. Supposedly they can refer
people like me to various places for help. I get the run around.
Albeit a polite run around.

First issue is that I don't live in King County currently, then I call
the Kitsap county equivalent and get told that since I'm leaving
Kitsap county they can't help. I get told by a supposed low income
organization who "Specializes in giving people a chance" and
"providing safe affordable housing" tells me that because I have bad
credit they won't even consider me.

Now call me jaded but, if you are low income you probably don't have
great credit. And when they said affordable for someone with my
income they meant somewhere in the neighborhood of 750-850.

Right. Whatever.

Fucking liars is all I could think of.

I'm feeling a little more than crazed over all of it.

I don't need to live somewhere fancy.

At this point the only thing in the world I want is a fucking chance.
That's it.

I just want a chance to make my life better because I sure as hell
can't do it by myself much as it pains me to admit that.

So yeah.

Not to mention how emotionally triggering money issues are for me
anyway. Suffice it to say that my emotional stability (which isn't
all that stable to start with) has taken a direct hit.

The tide is turning. I'm not going to cry. Or sit in bewildered
sadness. Fuck that.

I've survived worse.

One way or another I"ll get through this and go on with my life.

If you're wondering this is me hardening up. This is the fury I run
on. As I told Boy Venus in conversation awhile back I don't know how
long I can run on pure fury.

But I'm willing to find out.

With that in mind feel free to picture me in one of my pairs of ass
stomping boots, middle finger extended, and a grim smile on my face.

That's just how it is.

To quote a Snoop Dog song (probably badly)

Fuck what you're about and fuck what you stand for.

That sums up how I'm feeling towards fate/Gods/etc.

Goodnight Frank.

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