Thursday, January 19, 2006

I was going to talk about what's going on with me and whatnot but to tell the truth it just doesn't help.

Talking about how I feel is not going to change the facts. It's not going to change how I am perceived by others. It's not going to make things easier or feel better.

So moving on from things I feel to things I know.

I know that basically I am a good person. I do what I can to be a good friend, a good significant other, a decent human being.

I also know that in terms of the big bad world that isn't necessarily important. A lot of people give lip service to how important and wonderful it is to be a good person but, in the grand scheme of life being a good person doesn't necessarily do anything for you.

It's a fact that being good won't help you not be poor. It won't help you be seen beyond a credit score by some people. It won't always help you get and keep a job, or get and keep a lover. That is just how it is.

I've always accepted that in my life. For most of my life I've held onto the fact that regardless of what is going on in my life I try very very hard not to be an asshole to people.

Never mind.

Suffice it to say that my set of values and whatnot are fucking broken. And I don't really know what to do.

I used to be a cautious optimist but right now, I'm not. I don't know if I ever will be able to be again.

To speak to what I have to do is the following.

Get a second job.

Pay off everything.

Stop complaining and get to work.

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