Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Ego Masturbation

I'm wearing one of my new ponyfalls today. A very cute one that is wavy with burgundy streaks. People at work have been complimenting me all day. And on the lovely wax job on my eyebrows.

This my friends is ego masturbation. Call it jerking off for the ego.

I will tell it like it is. I am a vain woman. I can admit it. I am also high maintanence. I have the done nails, the manicured eyebrows, I will pitch a fit if my makeup gets fucked up. I will have a tantrum in a store if I want to buy some powder and the brownest it comes in is fucking suntan.

What can I say I like feeling cute.

I like it when people notice that my skin is clearing up. I like it when people notice that I'm wearing my hair different or have new shoes.

And I don't see a problem with that.

After my next paycheck I'm going to make sure I restock on my hair nail and skin vitamins because I notice the difference since I've been out for a couple of months.

In other news.

My man is fabulous. I just have to share. I can ask him to pick me up make up, bath type smell goods, hair care, skin care and he knows not only what to get but he knows what I like and what looks good on me. And if I want something specific he gets what I ask for. Done without embarassment or hassle about him buying girly things.

For instance at the end of my vacation I was in quite a snit and feeling fugly and I asked him for several things. Bath smell goods, nail polish in either a nice hookerish red or a bloody burgundy, wax for my eyebrows. He brought home a basket of rose scented smell goods, two bottles of nail polish, one blood red the other hooker red, (and he knows the difference between the two without having to be told) tampons, Midol, and the right kind of premade strip wax i like to use on my brows. He even asked for help at the drugstore.

I am spoiled rotten.

What else?

Oh I have some crafty ubergoth projects started. This past weekend I bought some wefted hair at the liquidation store. One of them is a very pretty s curl type. I'm going to soak that (to loosen some of the curl and make it a little more pliable) and make it into pig tail ponyfalls. I have to pick up some upholstry gauge thread and some pony tail holders and some ribbon as well.

I think I'm going to find a little el uber cheapo digi cam. I owe my best friend Cookie fotos of my super hair. And I want to take pictures of the hair pieces I make so I have reference as I get better at it. I've given up on the dreads thing for now because I'm just not inclined for it. I can stick to making ponyfalls.

To that end I've got some ideas for hand painting (dying) human hair on wefts to make some cool looking ponyfalls. Once the finances are more settled I'll be able to do that. I'll have to buy/order supplies. And if it pans out I might start selling them on the auctions and whatnot.

I've been reading on LJ a community dedicated to the Seattle Erotic Arts Festival (it's over now) and it's brought something back into my head.

I sort of want to do some nudie/fetish type modeling.

I have a lot of reasons.

One of them is that as much as I love fetish art and altrernative models there isn't a lot of diversity.

And on a deeper level I think it would do me a world of good to see myself in an objective manner and be able to say to myeself (and be honest about it) hot damn that is fucking hot. I have trouble these days seeing myself in a good light when it comes to my body and I think it could help.

There are photographers who if they were in arms reach would be the first I'd ask to shoot me. Adam, Forrest Black, Amelia G. come to mind. Adam who I love because he's him and talented. And Forrest and Amelia because I'm not only a fan of their works but I think they are very cool people. And I know damn well none of those three would be exploitive, or make me feel uncomfortable because I am not your average model.

I'm short, kinda plump and my skin shows I'm no smooth canvas.

However. I want to get to a point where I can really feel all the bullshit I spout about loving yourself the way you are. Lately I've been very nit picky and aghast at my body and I don't want to keep doing that to myself. I'm getting too old for that shit.

Quite frankly I'm not sure I'm ready for balls out just out and saying 'Hi I want to model.' Not there yet. I think what I want to do is get Mike some memory for his fancy camera and have us do some stuff at home to be given to/shown to few select people and maybe some non explicit ones here.

Then depending on how I feel get the ball rolling so to speak.

So in me wanting to head that direction I think I'm going to start slowly rebuilding myself a nice fetishy wardrobe. And since we all know I'm a BOOT WHORE I'll really want to do some boot fetish type things.

I have other ideas.

Cheesecake, modern pin up, make up ideas, hair ideas, other things I think would look neat on film.

I'll keep everyone *ahem* abreast of my progress.

Unless of course you click and one day BAM there's my titty.

It could happen.

Enough. My tea is getting cold and my underwear is crawling way up my ass so I'm going to go take it off and put it in my pocket.

Homo Out

Goodnight Frank.

1 comment:

lysergia said...

i want the part to happen where i click and *bam* there's a titty.



i promise i won't even TRY to rap. the drooling would interfere anyway.


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