Wednesday, March 08, 2006

It just gets worse and worse.

Somehow between Monday night with over 200 in the bank and getting paid last night I am now overdrawn by 697 dollars. Apparently I somehow magically spent all 840 dollars of my paycheck and the 280 or whatever it was that was in there. Fuck.There is no way in no universe did I spend over 1000 dollars in the last thirty hours. None.What I did do was spend 16 dollars on books and bid on a 24 dollar velvet jacket. I also bid on a 5 dollar black hoody and a 5 dollar skirt. That is money I shouldn't have spent.When am I going to fucking learn that no shit does not work out for me.It never has and it never will.

I wrote that a few hours ago and have since figured out what happened.

Wells fargo (and I'm now learning it's not just me) the way they process things and make information available means what was supposed to be a saving grace has turned into a financial graveyard to the tune of 1232.12.

Actually it's more than that because there are some things still processing on my account.

Okay picture this.

You've fallen down and as you get to your feet someone kicks you in the back of the knee. You fall down again. You get up, someone else kicks you in the other knee. You fall down again. You get to your hands and knees, someone boots you in the ass and you face plant on the concrete. You get to your hands and knees again, mostly ok except maybe a bloody nose and someone else kicks you in the face.

You get a black eye, lip splits but mostly you're maybe ok. Someone punts you in the ribs. You lose your breath, you get to your feet now. Yep you made it back to your feet and are wobbly but standing on your own, can't quite breath but you're getting some air. Then someone hits you in the diaphram with a lead pipe.

Do you get back up?

That ladies and gents is how my life works.

That ladies and gentlemen is why I have ceased to believe that me being a good person or how hard I work has anything to do with the quality of my life.

That ladies and gentleman is why I no longer believe that things will workout.

That ladies and gentleman is why I am always so fucking hard shelled. I hope for something, I relax a little and look what happens.

I know, KNOW that in my life things don't happen like that. I know that I am going to have to forever spend my life fighting for every single little scrap of happiness I can. I KNOW that having hope that things will be ok ends up getting me demolished in the end.

I fucking know that.

So whatever powers that be, you can stop now I get it.

And if there are no gods/powers whatever.

Fuck me for fuckin doing this shit.


Eight Lives Left said...

Can you get a loan on the other half of your vacation? And growl at your employer so it /doesn't/ bounce the first time around? Do you guys qualify for food stamps?

Meh. :(


lysergia said...

ugh that really really sucks.
i wish i had magic powers cause you'd be rich. yeah that helps i know. just sayin.


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