Thursday, March 30, 2006
First off I have on a very cute ubergoth outfit today and got hit on by a very hot lookin bet she fucks like a fucking beast butch dyke today. I was standing juggling my cup of coffee, purse and simultaenously digging in my pocket for my lighter and she offered to hold my coffee while I found fire.
I said thank you and when I found my fire she gaveme back my coffee and took my lighter to light me. Now there are several things that come to mind that attract me to stone butch women. I can't quite put it into words but there are some few dykes who can put my panties (if I'm wearing any) into a hot bunch with a look.
Don't ask me to explain I can't.
Aside from the (at least what I think when I meet just the right one) Oh SHIT I bet she fucks like a motherfucking beast.
Wait where was I?
Oh yeah. So this woman I met today after I got all lit up, got my purse situated and whatnot smiled at me while we made chitchat. I watched her get herself a peek down my shirt and then she asked if I wanted to go out for ice cream.
Which of course my brain turned into "hey girl you want me to lick you until you tick and then bend you over my couch and spank you?"
So that was nice. See the below ego masturbation entry.
Then because I'm nosy I spent some time cruising around in lj looking at more hot dykes.
I should stop I have things to do.
I think I've decided on the next pair of boots I'm going to save up for. It's a toss up between these two from Good Goth:
If I get the first pair I'd go for the shiny ones. I haven't decided yet. The price difference is just a few dollars so I'll have to stew for awhile.
Since I don't go clubbing much I'm not really going to have a snit about wanting boots for club wear. However once the cashflow thing is more stable I will probably start collecting up some club boots too.
I've decided to hold off on buying more clothes until I get settled on a workout routine. This being apple shaped shit is going to be stopped. I'd like my waist back kthnks.
So until then I'm probably only going to buy some shirts since I don't have that many that fit right still, bras, panties and probably one or two more pairs of pants. A pair of jeans and some good stretchy type pants.
Since I have voicepost on LJ I think I'm going to figure out how to upload some of those to here so everyone can be exposed to me saying bad words.
I think that's it for now.
And hi Rusty :)
Tuesday, March 28, 2006
This my friends is ego masturbation. Call it jerking off for the ego.
I will tell it like it is. I am a vain woman. I can admit it. I am also high maintanence. I have the done nails, the manicured eyebrows, I will pitch a fit if my makeup gets fucked up. I will have a tantrum in a store if I want to buy some powder and the brownest it comes in is fucking suntan.
What can I say I like feeling cute.
I like it when people notice that my skin is clearing up. I like it when people notice that I'm wearing my hair different or have new shoes.
And I don't see a problem with that.
After my next paycheck I'm going to make sure I restock on my hair nail and skin vitamins because I notice the difference since I've been out for a couple of months.
In other news.
My man is fabulous. I just have to share. I can ask him to pick me up make up, bath type smell goods, hair care, skin care and he knows not only what to get but he knows what I like and what looks good on me. And if I want something specific he gets what I ask for. Done without embarassment or hassle about him buying girly things.
For instance at the end of my vacation I was in quite a snit and feeling fugly and I asked him for several things. Bath smell goods, nail polish in either a nice hookerish red or a bloody burgundy, wax for my eyebrows. He brought home a basket of rose scented smell goods, two bottles of nail polish, one blood red the other hooker red, (and he knows the difference between the two without having to be told) tampons, Midol, and the right kind of premade strip wax i like to use on my brows. He even asked for help at the drugstore.
I am spoiled rotten.
Oh I have some crafty ubergoth projects started. This past weekend I bought some wefted hair at the liquidation store. One of them is a very pretty s curl type. I'm going to soak that (to loosen some of the curl and make it a little more pliable) and make it into pig tail ponyfalls. I have to pick up some upholstry gauge thread and some pony tail holders and some ribbon as well.
I think I'm going to find a little el uber cheapo digi cam. I owe my best friend Cookie fotos of my super hair. And I want to take pictures of the hair pieces I make so I have reference as I get better at it. I've given up on the dreads thing for now because I'm just not inclined for it. I can stick to making ponyfalls.
To that end I've got some ideas for hand painting (dying) human hair on wefts to make some cool looking ponyfalls. Once the finances are more settled I'll be able to do that. I'll have to buy/order supplies. And if it pans out I might start selling them on the auctions and whatnot.
I've been reading on LJ a community dedicated to the Seattle Erotic Arts Festival (it's over now) and it's brought something back into my head.
I sort of want to do some nudie/fetish type modeling.
I have a lot of reasons.
One of them is that as much as I love fetish art and altrernative models there isn't a lot of diversity.
And on a deeper level I think it would do me a world of good to see myself in an objective manner and be able to say to myeself (and be honest about it) hot damn that is fucking hot. I have trouble these days seeing myself in a good light when it comes to my body and I think it could help.
There are photographers who if they were in arms reach would be the first I'd ask to shoot me. Adam, Forrest Black, Amelia G. come to mind. Adam who I love because he's him and talented. And Forrest and Amelia because I'm not only a fan of their works but I think they are very cool people. And I know damn well none of those three would be exploitive, or make me feel uncomfortable because I am not your average model.
I'm short, kinda plump and my skin shows I'm no smooth canvas.
However. I want to get to a point where I can really feel all the bullshit I spout about loving yourself the way you are. Lately I've been very nit picky and aghast at my body and I don't want to keep doing that to myself. I'm getting too old for that shit.
Quite frankly I'm not sure I'm ready for balls out just out and saying 'Hi I want to model.' Not there yet. I think what I want to do is get Mike some memory for his fancy camera and have us do some stuff at home to be given to/shown to few select people and maybe some non explicit ones here.
Then depending on how I feel get the ball rolling so to speak.
So in me wanting to head that direction I think I'm going to start slowly rebuilding myself a nice fetishy wardrobe. And since we all know I'm a BOOT WHORE I'll really want to do some boot fetish type things.
I have other ideas.
Cheesecake, modern pin up, make up ideas, hair ideas, other things I think would look neat on film.
I'll keep everyone *ahem* abreast of my progress.
Unless of course you click and one day BAM there's my titty.
It could happen.
Enough. My tea is getting cold and my underwear is crawling way up my ass so I'm going to go take it off and put it in my pocket.
Monday, March 27, 2006
Ok if you've been playing along during my vacation I was sick at heart and body. I really don't want to rehash or go into everything that was/is bothering me. Suffice it to say that though I"m calmer I"m no less angry but, I am not still pointing fingers at myself.
I have reminded myself that shit happens.
And yes a lot of shit happens to me but, the issue isn't whether or not it happens but, how I deal with it. Freaking out and going to the dark side really doesn't help.
So moving on.
I have lots to talk about. (As usual)
I have finally realized after much thought why I have such frothy ranty opinions about pubic hair. (forthcoming post)
I have become startlingly apple shaped and I seriously need to do something about it. I have never in my life been shaped like this and I don't like it. When we have our things I will start working out again that is all there is to it. Once I'm in reasonable shape I might even find a dance class to take on the weekends or somethng.
I am going to try very hard not to get either carried away or make it about weight because that's a bumpy ugly road I don't want to travel. I do however want to be in shape.
Also I have discovered what I believe to be the root of my year long+ bowel issues. My vitamins.
I have been religiously taking various vitamins for the last few years and have been taking Olay women's vitamins for about the last 8-9 months or so. While I was sick I forgot to take them for the most part and noticed a big improvement in my ability to poop without undue discomfort.
For months I've swung between being constipated and having speed guts. Not good.
I did some reading and have realized (this is where you insert the harp music and the brilliant light bulb above my head) that my vitamins have iron. I remember my Mom having to take iron free prenatal vitamins because they hurt her stomach. And voila. So I've not been taking vitamins for two weeks or so and tadaaaa very little bowel area discomfort.
So I have about 20 or so of the Olay vitamins left. If anybody reading this would like them I'll mail them to you for free. I hate to see them go to waste and they are good vitamins I just can't take them.
Let's see what else?
I had a good weekend. On Sunday I went to the newly opened Liquidation World. Neat place. I bought myself several high quality ponyfalls all for more than 70% cheaper than any of that quality are available elsewhere.
OH speaking of hair. I finally relaxed my hair last week and good lord. My hair is longer now than it's been in a decade. I'm not sure what to do with it so I'll be experimenting.
Gods we got new carpet at work and the smell is making my head hurt like hell. It's going to be a long night.
I'll probably post again.
Right now I'm going to make myself some tea and contemplate listening to DMX and/or BlackFlag.
Sunday, March 19, 2006
I still have remnants of the flu.
My vacation has thus far been mostly a bust.
I'm in a very very foul frame of mind.
And I don't really want to talk about it right now.
Angry Homo Out
Friday, March 10, 2006
But with the demise of DX I don't really feel like using an LJ or somesuch for the purpose of venting. So yeah here it is.
So after this whole debacle I am pretty much back to square 1. All of the plans I had for catching up financially, getting into a more manageable schedule of paying bills. Birthday celebrating, getting our things out of storage etc. All of it.
Just so there's a running tally I'm going to make a list here (and so i don't forget I suppose) of what was supposed to have happened.
- Both storages paid
- Burly/muscley boys paid to help bring our stuff up all those stairs.
- Enough groceries to last two weeks.
- Fancy Pizza
- Phone bill paid
- Chinese food/drinks for my birthday
- New clothes (that I wouldn't turn right around and resell. Same with my books)
- Get more tea.
- Cold meds (For Mike originally, now I need more)
- Maybe a night out.
As of right all that's getting done from that list is the storage in MI (With the price yanked up about 60 dollars because it'll be late.)
There's money for groceries but not anything particularly good. Any birthday celebration is cancelled. Luckily I was outbid on two of the things on Ebay I'd wanted. And I will probably be outbid on the other thing I really wanted. Or I will resell it after I get it.
I'm going to be sleeping on the floor for another month I think. Maybe we can find somone to drive us up to storage to get at least some more clothing, pillows, better blankets. I'd wanted to go out but that isn't going to happen.
And next check is going to be thin as hell. After rent and MI storage there'll not be much left over for anything. Middle check I'll have to pay phonebill, local storage, at some point I need to buy a new cell phone because the one I have really sucks. Groceries etc.
I will not have good tea. I will not have smell goods for the bath or otherwise. (Not that i really need any of these things but, yeah whatever.)
The situation isn't dire anymore. (Unles you count me being sick at work with no cold medications no money no tea no nothing)
But this really sucks.
To be very honest I don't enjoy life anymore. What few joys I have had seem like they were a long way off and in another time space area or something.
Every day I wake up I don't feel good. In fact I feel like shit. All the way around. I get up, I drag on my clothes I get on the bus I come to work, I get back on the bus, go home, eat a little something, try to sleep.
I survive. As I've told Boyvenus many times and other people. It's what I do.
Am I happy?
Is happiness on the horizon?
What I have to "look forward" to is more work. Find more work. That's the only thing I think about anymore. I troll want ads looking for ~something~. I don't want to end up almost on the street again. I have debts. I have bills.
I think I'm done with this now. I'm exhausted and freezing. I'm going to go try and scrounge something hot to drink from the breakroom.
Thursday, March 09, 2006
So by Saturday all this shit will be ironed out.
And I'm sick.
More later I have to werk now.
FUck fucking corporate bullshit.
Wednesday, March 08, 2006
I wrote that a few hours ago and have since figured out what happened.
Wells fargo (and I'm now learning it's not just me) the way they process things and make information available means what was supposed to be a saving grace has turned into a financial graveyard to the tune of 1232.12.
Actually it's more than that because there are some things still processing on my account.
Okay picture this.
You've fallen down and as you get to your feet someone kicks you in the back of the knee. You fall down again. You get up, someone else kicks you in the other knee. You fall down again. You get to your hands and knees, someone boots you in the ass and you face plant on the concrete. You get to your hands and knees again, mostly ok except maybe a bloody nose and someone else kicks you in the face.
You get a black eye, lip splits but mostly you're maybe ok. Someone punts you in the ribs. You lose your breath, you get to your feet now. Yep you made it back to your feet and are wobbly but standing on your own, can't quite breath but you're getting some air. Then someone hits you in the diaphram with a lead pipe.
Do you get back up?
That ladies and gents is how my life works.
That ladies and gentlemen is why I have ceased to believe that me being a good person or how hard I work has anything to do with the quality of my life.
That ladies and gentleman is why I no longer believe that things will workout.
That ladies and gentleman is why I am always so fucking hard shelled. I hope for something, I relax a little and look what happens.
I know, KNOW that in my life things don't happen like that. I know that I am going to have to forever spend my life fighting for every single little scrap of happiness I can. I KNOW that having hope that things will be ok ends up getting me demolished in the end.
I fucking know that.
So whatever powers that be, you can stop now I get it.
And if there are no gods/powers whatever.
Fuck me for fuckin doing this shit.
I don't rap. I don't smoke much weed. I don't booty clap. And I'm no groupie. What I can do is curse. Give me the high sign and I will curse a blue streak that'd make Old Dirty roll over and blush in his grave.
Hand me a Kamel Red, a few fingers of scotch and watch me let fly.
S to the Z A
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
I have the serious want to write some poetry or something. I've been so spaced out and exhausted the words just float around my brain doing nothing more than keeping me awake.
This burn out, kill your bliss pace I've been living at is getting to me. Most of my creative energy feels like it's being burnt up just trying not to lose it entirely.
And I'm spent. Fuck it took me a half an hour to do this.
Monday, March 06, 2006
In light of this particular event I am changing my birthday plans. There will be no clubbing. And the two things I'm winning on Ebay are my presents. Maybe we will go out for Chinese food but maybe not. I do need to do the following.
- Pay both storages.
- Pay phone bill.
- Pay light bill.
- Pay for the one auction I've already won. (a bra)
- Set aside 20 for the one pending.
- Get Mike some cold medication. He's been sick all weekend and I couldn't get him any because we had no cash.
Monetarily I think that's about all aside from groceries and whatnot. I had been planning on going to go buy a pair of jeans, some socks and some beaters but that is going to be post poned.
My plans for my vacation (3-13/3-22) involve little more than getting my computer to the apartment. Getting my bed and sitting on what left over cash I have. When we get our things out of storage I have some stuff I am going to be auctioning off because I don't wear it/like it/need it. And beyond that as far as money goes aside from my 9.30 a week for coffee I'm not spending anything else.
My budget is going to be tighter than a Nazi's asshole for the next few months. Fuck I just remembered I really absolutely have to get new glasses sometime fairly soon. My rx is about 2 years old and after about 4 hours of working my head hurts something fierce.
Fuck someone unplugged the speakers on this computer. That shit fucking annoys me. If you have to share workstations put em back the way they were. It's not that hard to just turn the power off.
Goddamn it I hate working without music.
At this point in my life I really have no faith in the idea that things will work out for the best. I've been unprepared for every fucked up thing that's happened lately and I'm tired of being blindsided. I will be prepared. If that means going back to being a grim faced fucked up angry woman than that's just what's going to happen.
Not that I've stopped being pissed off but, I will be more active in it.
And as I've said (and friends have said) I run on pure fucking fury.
That's it for now. I'm tired and need to try to get my speakers plugged back in I hate working in silence.
Thursday, March 02, 2006
I need a new purse/backpack and/or wallet. I'd also like an outfit.
However I also want a new tattoo, some slightly larger than what I have gauge earrings, maybe a manicure and a night out.
I will probably actually do one or two of those things.
The money issue as always.
Fuck I'm spent.
So tired. No more energy for this right now.
Wednesday, March 01, 2006
I have been begging the powers that be whatevr they are to let one good thing happen.
That good thing is a check for a good sized amount of money that is in my purse right now.
It feels good to know there will be food, no loss of shelter, and maybe some enjoyment along the way.
It's about time.