Monday, May 21, 2007

Have you ever...

I'm always looking for interesting blogs and such to read however, sometimes this just provides fuel for my irritation.

First one, found random local LJ user who I have a bunch of interests in common with. In the first paragraph I read she seems to equate "poor" with "creepy and bad" and spends a little bit complaining about one portion of her bus ride.

Irritating.

And now an open letter to the blogosphere at large.

Dear Bloggers,
There are some things we need to talk about. Yes I'm talking to you. First of all, please stop couching your assholeness in pretty language. Five dollar words or none own your dickheadedness. Don't say things like,

"well if *they* have a problem it's not my problem"

That kind of shit irritates people who might want to have a productive conversation.

Trolls, yes you. Can we think of something new please? If you are a troll and you intend to hurt feelings, stir up some shit etc if you use ANY of the following lines of reasoning you fucking FAIL:

"OMG UR LYK SO FAT"

Failure.

"UR UGLY AND NOT HAWT"

Failure.

"If you'd lose some weight/fix your teeth/fix your hair etc you'd be so much cooler."

Lose.

"HAHAHAHAHAHA YOU HAVE FEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELINGS"

Fuck off.

You get my point. Think up something new please kthnks.

What else?

Those of you funny smart people who write your thoughts and send them into the ether. Please don't abandon me to the void of the internetz. I get really sad when people don't update.

Love me.

What else?

Okay I'm going to share.

I feel like the little black girl that can't. I spent a few hours over the weekend trying to practice braiding my hair in some manner other than the small box braids I can do and failed. Utterly and entirely. Rationally I realize that I am not the only black woman in the world who cannot really do her own hair.

But still it depresses me.

I can't cornrow, I can't French braid, I can't give myself extensions, on and on and I get so upset. I would like to be able to do more of these things so I can leave my hair the hell alone while it's growing.

It really bothers me. People have tried to show me how to braid well enough to at least be able to sleep with braids in my hair and I just do not get it. I was almost in tears on Saturday after a failed attempt at flat twists because someone said it was easy.

Granted most of this is entirely in my head and something I should be feeling shame over but it's still there I can't just ignore it.

It's more than just braiding though.

I don't know how to flat iron my hair properly, and styles that aren't my mini buns or a ponyfall and I am at such a loss. I have yet to attempt a real rollerset because I don't have a bonnet for my dryer, and I have learned if I want straight and shiny I need heat.

It's so frustrating.

I can do unhealthy crazy things.

Liberty spikes? Check.

Anime inspired colored giant hair. Check.

Mohawk..check.

But nothing daily wear/easy care.

I want to learn but it's frustrating.

To ease some of this frustration I have decided to invest in a soft bonnet attchment to my hair dryer and a buttload of magnetic rollers. Then practice practice practice.

I hadn't really realized how much of an issue I had with this until this weekend. It's tiring.

How ever there is good news. I have a head of not incredibly long, soft fluffy texlaxed (as in relaxed but not bone straight..need more explanation ask), that is growing slowly but steadily and I am retaining healthy length. That means a lot to me for years my hair was very unhealthy and I didn't really know how to take care of it.

It has me thinking more about other issues I have/had with my appearance and why. One of my big red buttons o' emotional butthurtedness (yes I totally just made up that word) is the idea that I am incapable of doing something. That I am too dumb/blind/absurd/whatever to get the hang of doing something that seems to me to be relatively simple.

That's the root of my depression and frustration over many things. I hate not being able to do something. Not because I am physically unable but, because I am able but I just can't.

It's a little stupid maybe but very telling. At least to me.

I would say over my 30 years of life 60% of my frustration and anger with myself has come from this wellspring o' brain stink. I'm not entirely sure how to deal with it at all. Honestly.

However I will be working on it.

I frustrate myself sometimes. I know I should be nicer but it's not easy.

That's it. I'm spent and want to make tea.

Homo Out.

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