Tuesday, May 22, 2007

When your body fucks with your chi.

I looked at myself in the mirror this morning and said aloud:

"You are fucking up my chi"

(The line is from the movie 'Swordfish' and was entirely heart felt.

I am not well right now. I am not sick but I'm not good. HEre is where I can see the majority of my issues with my body rear their heads and start batting for the title of supreme I'm going to make this bitch crazy Issue.

I have not been feeling right for awhile. I don't think I've talked about it before but my left kidney is kind of a piece of useless crap. it works but not as well as the other one and it pisses me the fuck off.

I am annoyed. I am also annoyed with my immune system because I have been over tired and thus unable to exercise thus, am not improving my cardiovascular health. You see?

I fucking HATE feeling feeble.

Let me gain fifteen pounds, develop more backfat, more cellulite, another chin, chipmunk cheeks, big flat anti-booty but goddamn it DON'T let me feel fucking feeble.

I hate feeling like this.

What has happened often when I've felt not right or weak and tired is I've gone nuts with the working out and diet changes and that works for awhile but I'll tell you I've fucked myself up doing that. Both physically and emotionally.

I am too old for that shit.

So first thing is to get my kidneys happier which means LOTS more water, way less coffee, lots of green tea and cranberry juice. Also I need to start my gentle yoga again.

Then when I'm feeling better I'll work back up to belly dancing. :(

I'm so sad.

I want to DANCE goddamn it and my body is just not keeping up with my brain and it is pissing me the fuck off.

However, I will NOT go to the bad place. What is the bad place you ask?

Let me tell you.

The Bad Placetm is the point where it all becomes a punishment rather than self care. It's when someone loses a fucking eye. It's when I start to get nuts and someone needs to tell me to slow my fucking roll.

I don't have the time nor the desire to deal with that.

So gentle yoga starting tomorrow if I can find the DVD tonight. Juice/tea/water for awhile.

Goodbye giant mug of coffee. I will miss you my dark darling. No more tasty noodle soups from Singapore. I'm sad.

But yeah, body is angry and I need to address the situation before I'm more miserable and unable to.

Blah :(

Homo Out.

PS...days like this it's hard to love my fleshly vehicle very much at all.


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