Friday, June 22, 2007

Things on my mind.

I'm feeling better after my little snit one entry down.

And blog entries I found via Kate Harding at Pretty Pear has me thinking. Well has me continuing thoughts I had earlier.

Go ahead go read their entries then come back I'll wait.

Done? Fantastic don't forget to bookmark them.

I think I have it pretty easy here in my little blogland. I'm not by any means a known blogger in any realm so what I say pretty much goes unnoticed. I might blog about fat and things of the sort often but I am not in the sphere of the fat acceptance bloggers. So I can probably talk about this stuff without too much undue bullshit.

What I want to talk about is what happens when you're ideology (in this case Size acceptance...more about why I rarely say Fat acceptance later) and your brain are sending the proverbial mixed messages.

In my case I've been a lot more active since it's been nice out and I have lost some weight. In fact even though I've been an Inbetweenie for years and years, I'm edging into not fat status. I'm feeling a little meh about it which I think I've mentioned before.

On one hand I have the "YEAH now I can shop where ever mostly" thought and then the other, "Buuuut I was fine before" thoughts. It's a tough thing. Especially when weight loss wasn't what I was after in the first place. That makes me a little upset in a few ways.

I am finding that I often feel like I am not sure I should open my mouth about the size issue anymore. Then of course I tell myself what the FUCK of course you can.

It's a difficult thing.

Also, there's the issue (this is *my* issue not any one else's responsibility) that I have been shying away from going to any of the local Fatshionista things. Mostly because I am very well aware that to a lot of other fat people I am not actually fat. Mostly I think this is because of how I tend to dress combined with generally my posture. I tend to have very good posture which as all the fashion rags will tell you makes a girl look slimmer. I am very sensitive still to the idea that I will might be rejected or resented because of my size.

It's happened before and I was so badly hurt I really don't want to go through that again.

Also while on one hand I do not agree at all that smaller fat people should be excluded from bigger fat people activities and vice versa on the other hand I don't want to be the cause of someone else's distress. Especially if that person is not in a place to own the fact that it's not my issue that they are distressed but something they need to look at with themselves. Does that make any fucking sense?

So yeah. There is probably a good reason I'm not a "name" blogger.

Now onto why I hate the phrase Fat Acceptance.

I hate it because it feels alienating to me and often gives one too many people free reign to bash other bodies. That is not ok with me.

I LOVE the term Size Acceptance because that's what we're after isn't it? To be accepted at whatever size we are? Fat thin inbetween etc. I WANT us all to be accepted regardless of how big our asses are. I am a firm and (starting to be) joyful lover of the HAES ideal. That turns me on in the best kind of way.

What I want ideally is to be one of those people who not only says it but can almost every day feel it. I'm working on that part.

Don't think I never have issues with my body image because guess what I have a truckload. Matter of fact I am right this instant having some that I don't particularly feel like talking about but suffice it to say that my brain and my heart are fighting it out.

It's kind of freeing not to feel like i have to pelase anyone here. I love my little corner of the web.

Granted I wouldn't be mad if I got to be a famous blogger but it's not important. What's more important to me these days is having somewhere to let it out and leave my bits of brain poo to mark my territory. The fact that there's a few of you who read it is just gravy.

And now I am going to scour the internetz for some thrifty fabulous deals.

Maybe I'll post about that later.


1 comment:

AdamAnt said...

You are drop dead gorgeous just the way you are.


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