Saturday, July 21, 2007

I wobbled and fell down.

I realized yesterday that I have gained some weight.

More than I am entirely comfortable with and I'd like to share what's been going through my head.

Like every other woman on the planet often, my self esteem is a fragile and tender thing. No matter how many times someone tells me I'm pretty, or I catch someone giving me the glad eye, no matter what happens there are times my self esteem takes a nose dive straight into the third circle of hell.

One of the things I've struggled with for years now is the fact that often my personal beauty standards don't always extend to what I see in the mirror. I'm not always very nice to myself. I think things about myself that I would never ever think of other people. It's infuriating and depressing.

While I am looking at other women I am often awed and humbled by their beauty. Fat, thin, whatever. Consciously I am very aware of this, and consciously I tell myself that yes, I too am beautiful regardless of how big my ass might be.

However, deep down I don't always feel it and it becomes lip service.

So what to do?

And before anyone asks yes, I am still absolutely size accepting. I don't care if you or your grandma are fat as long as you are happy and healthy as you like to be.

However, I am not happy nor am I healthy as I could be. And that folks is the problem. I have a history of issues with body image and undertaking the task of changing my body in order to feel happier and healthier is a daunting thing.

To tell you the truth I'm fucking terrified.

As I'm planning out changes in my exercise and eating habits I am terrified that I will in fact go over the deep end. I don't want to be that woman ever again.

I don't want to return to that state of over exercise and misery. I don't want to fuck up my body.

So what am I going to do?

Truthfully I'm more like what I want is to get back in touch with my body. Yes call me a New Age Hippy Weirdo but I want that feeling of connectedness between my mind body and spirit to return. I want to feel good because my body feels good.

So instead of doing something crazy like starting to run again (my knees and back say thank Goddess for that you bitch) I am going to re-start bellydance. I want to dance because I know I love to dance and it will make me happy. I am going to do yoga because when I'm more flexible my joints hurt less and thus I will be happier.

My diet is pretty good. I could eat more fruits and vegetables but I don't need to do anything crazy.

Am I going to lose weight?

I don't know. Maybe, maybe not. No telling with my do as it pleases metabolism.

Am I ok with that?

I think I am. Or at least I will work hard to be.

It's not going to be easy. None of this is easy.

I'm going to by turns be frustrated, embarrassed, pissed off and elated. But I'm going to try to be calm.

Easier said than done of course.

Also I am motivated by the thought of taking actual bellydance classes. And before I can do that I need to be in better physical condition.

I think that's all.

Now I am going to eat dinner then paint my nails. Hell I might even wax my eyebrows.

Homo Out.

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