Tuesday, February 19, 2008

So yeah...check me out.

First fat fashion news. I hadn't mentioned here because I was on the edge of breaking up with Torrid yet again. However Torrid is luring me back. I wrote them awhile back asking if they were going to phase out Torrid in house line denim entirely or bring it back. Word is, they are bringing the sexy back. I am so excited to get my hands on some of those you don't even know.

Aside from the absolute fluke DKNY jeans I scored at Ross long long ago, Torrid jeans fit me really really nicely in the booty and everything. And I have wanted more but was thwarted by the plethora of other shit I didn't want. The Ham is pleased.

What else?

Oh tonight I am commanding Uniballer to take a picture of my super cute not quite my usual style outfit. Details tomorrow after I upload ze photographic evidence.

As per usual when it starts getting close to my birthday I tend to navel gaze more than usual and wax poetic about various things.

This year I have decided (again) to continue dressing occasionally a bit outlandishly or nutty like, wearing brightly colored eye shadow when I feel like it despite that niggling voice of normal in my head. Now that I am officially (at least it feels official) in my thirties I have even less inclination to relinquish my status (even in my own head) of being an uber unique snowflake. Despite of course my status as the same decaying organic matter as everyone else.

Which means I will uphold my New Years indulgences. So that means, the glitter? Yeah the glitter stays and I will probably buy six more colors just because I wanna.

Also I have to come clean. Lately I have been kind of a douche bag to myself.

It's taken me awhile to process and break down and it comes down to a problem I have when my body does not perform as I expect it to. No matter what size I've been (and I've been many) when my body says okay fuck OFF I'm done, I get pissed and depressed.

This winter has been really difficult for me in terms of joint pain and terrible sciatic pain. I mention these things in passing sometimes as in they are making me stabby but the truth is my mobility and my ability to do things I really want to do has been compromised.

I have been unable to really seriously belly dance and it breaks my heart. I try yoga because it's good for my knees but 1.) I kind of hate doing yoga and 2.) it makes my sciatica start to burning and complaining.

It's a huge issue with me because I get angry and that really doesn't help the situation. I have an extremely difficult time being gentle and nice to myself when it comes to what I view as failures on the part of my body. What's that saying? The flesh is willing?

Well my flesh is not willing.

As a matter of fact it said, bitch please don't make me shank you.

Yes I have other body related issues as well but none I feel like talking about in public right now.

To tell you the truth my darlings, I really don't know what the fuck to do at this point. It's a serious uphill battle not to go into crazy mode OR (and this part feels a little worse to say) believe the doctor and lose 20 pounds.

For a hot minute I was considering it. However I sat myself down and examined the hows of that.

My doctor said she would like for me to weigh between 130 to 145 at the most. Now I was right around that size for quite a long time. Here is what it took to maintain that.

6 days a week 1-2 hours cardio.
Calisthenics style stuff for 30-45 minutes. Lots of push ups, sit ups, lunges etc with small amounts of weight.
I ate generally speaking maybe 1000 calories however I've never been good at keeping track of that.
I also cut out "bad" foods of all stripes. Sugar, carbs etc etc. (The only really good thing to come out of that was ceasing my soda consumption that continues mostly to this day).

Mind you all this was under a doctors care and approval. I also worked a lot. And with my commute my days were running 15 hours if not more. Not including work out time. I also didn't include the about mile and a half round trip walk between bus stops work and home.

After a good six months or so of my "healthy" living I started having serious fatigue issues. I was very young and very naive and believe my doctor when I was told that I would get used to it once I lost weight/stabilized.

This wasn't even disordered. That became normal for me. I alluded to it awhile ago but I got seriously miserable. I was one of those hot looking but pissed off girls at the gym. I was so unhappy.

Now, fast forward to right this instant. I look at all that and yeah no. Not again. Really not again. I don't think my body would make it for one thing and my joints etc are fucked enough.

So I am hunting down a new doc who won't dick me around.

So what I probably won't be able to make Tribal Fest 09. That's ok.

I think as my intro to my 30's and the bridge to my 40's I am going to learn to forgive my body it's physical limitations in all their creaky, burning, hollering glory. I really don't want to spend another decade seething when my bones ache.

Or at least I am going to try to. I'm not entirely certain how to accomplish that. Most likely some combination of Affirmations, voodoo, booty shaking and the occasional snit.

I think I'm about spent. I am going to make some tea and put my feet up for a minute.

Homo Out.

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