Monday, February 25, 2008

To my 14 year old self.

Was that two weeks ago that the Fatosphere was awash with letters to 14 year old selves? I'm not sure. I was (sorta am) too tired to do that but I will try today anyway.

Dear 14 year old Shannon, (written as if to be read on my 14th birthday)
First of all check it out, 16 years later you are still kicking. Weird I know right? And six more months of the boobs from fucking hell. And I'm sorry to say they are going to get bigger before they get fixed. I know that is going to fuck up your whole idea of what is going on but it will get better.

And don't be afraid of the big loud doc he is not your surgeon. Your surgeon is the little Creole man with soft hands and that infectious silly laugh. Also don't be afraid of what people are going to say. You are already too well aware of what douchebags some people can be. Like Nana said, "fuck em".

However, some people will surprise you.

When that girl and her friends tell you that you dress funny, fuck them too.

After you're all healed from surgery and enjoying your new smaller, perky boobs, work it. Don't be afraid. Love that first pretty bra. Also you are entirely within your rights to burn that ugly fucking dress. Don't let anyone talk you out of it, just do it you'll feel so much better when you do.

Also after surgery don't sign up for volleyball. You suck at it, you hate being yelled at. Don't bother. Dance instead. You love to dance and you're good at it regardless of what anyone else says. Shake that shit like you want to.

And I know your life until now has been a whirlwind of holy shit this sucks. It does get better. You're going to see Japan. You're going to understand the actuality of being somewhere holy and it will make you feel better.

In all what Nana has told you for years is absolutely going to be the single most important piece of advice you will ever get, forget the dumb shit and remember. "Fuck em if they can't take a fuckin' joke." Remember.

And yes you are nuts. You will get crazier and life will take some turns that will almost kill you. But like I said earlier you are still kicking babes. Still alive and full of piss and vinegar.

To wrap it up here are a few other tips. Read more porn, read more great literature, dance more, breathe, know you'll survive it, don't let the bastards get you so far down.

Your 30 year old self who is still, mother fucking fabulous.


Okay now back to the present. Good lord the typos in that last entry. I was a little drunk. See what happens when you try to play off to yourself that oh HAI no I'm not buzzed.

Holy shit I am a cheap date.

Damn I entirely forgot what else I was going to say so never mind. I am tired. Looks like I'll be taking some of the sedative variety drugs tonight.

Homo Out.

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