Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Makes me wanna Holler.

Holy wow.

So I've had a rough couple of weeks. A few winters ago I pinched a nerve in my neck really bad and occasionally do some mystery movement that makes it go, AH AH AH HAAAAAAAAAAA TAKE THAT BITCH.

And of course not to be left out, my back decides it's time to join the party too. Nothing like hours of back spasms and a hurting neck to make a girl want to punch herself in the face.

So yeah. That is what is actually going on with me lately. I have a bad habit of not mentioning or talking about when I am having a bad or hard time.

In other news if you want to buy me presents go to Dyke Tees right now. You can buy me any of these-

All black XL/XXL girly tees yo. Or gift certificates gleefully accepted.

The Whatever T. Perfect for yours truly the non discriminating ass biter.

My humps T. Come on now?=, right across the D Cups of Doom yo.

The Do I look Gay in this T. That one makes me giggle cause yeah, that would make me look gay.

The following are self explanatory if you know me at all.

Nerdy Girls Make me Hot.

I Put the Ho in Homo.

TechnoDyke RIP. I remember lurking at TechnoDyke a lot years ago. Back when I first got on the intertubes I was quite shy. Now, I threaten to show my tits.

I heart Pussy. Well I do. Mine yours whatever. I like em.

I love having a boss with a sense of humour. He sent me this.

Fails, let me show you them.

I have been giggling for ten minutes.

Back to presents.

I also really want to try some of the Oyin Handmade products for my hair. My hair isn't natural I do what's called texlaxing. Which basically means I don't use a relaxer to make my hair entirely straight. I like some texture and loosened naps not super straight hair. Unless my hair is less than 2 inches long I don't like it super straight.

My hair is in fact fabulous even though I made it very angry over the weekend. Well not angry but cranky. I wish my pictures turned out but I tried a braid out and it was made of flufftastic OMFG waves/curls going everywhere kind of fail. I still can't get it to calm down.

My hair said bitch please.

On the plus side however my hair is soft and feels like some hot silk.

Okay after listening to some of the podcasts at Oyin I am totally going to buy some with my next round of mad money. You can bet I will do a full product review (I am going to pick up the hair sampler pack) either here or in my hair journal or both. What really convinced me was listening to their podcasts because, they talk about textures without any implied judgement of what's better and I appreciate that a lot.

Also they use honey as a main ingredient and frankly I am wild crazy about honey. The scent, the taste all of it.

While I'm pimping crap I want in lieu of actual content how about a peek at some of the stuff on my various amazon lists.

The one thing I really want but am going to wait until fall to buy because I am NOT sitting under the fucking dryer in the summer is this space helmet dryer that keeps falling off of my wishlist wtf? I know it looks absurd but from the reviews from ladies at LHCF and elsewhere I think it will work for me. In two years I've spent 10 dollars to be a member there and even though sometimes there are things that get to me I've gotten invaluable advice, support and realized I am not the only black woman who gets into her thirties and can't do her own hair.

I am rectifying that and growing a lush head of hair I might add.

My hair has never looked or felt like this in my adult life. Check out the multi textured, shiny fluffy.


And the hot ass cowlick. It's funny when my head was shaved was the first time I ever really noticed it and I freaked because I thought it was a bald spot. A very good barber who used a straight razer on my fade, explained it was a cowlick not a bald spot and I was relieved.

Moving on. If you would like to donate to the buy Beasty more henna fund feel free to do so. Because I needs it man. I must invest in the sexy. As in my sexy hair that I spend lots of time loving on with my fingers.

I also have a serious book wishlist. As you can see I am an eclectic and voracious reader. You'll notice those are mostly paperbacks because I am a woman on the move and my tomes must be portable. I mostly use that to keep track of what books I've bought or intend to buy. And I fucking love used books man. There is something wonderful and special about them.

There is also a good amount of porn there.

Now for some blog whoring mmkay?

Murray's Musings is good and I like it.

Also pick up autographed books by the lovely Sarah Katherine Lewis. Find those here. I seriously suggest buying her books from that link rather than from amazon because she's trying to finance a book tour. Also I know some of you are not all into Seal press right now however, I do think Miss Lewis is worth supporting.

Next up, for my fellow Lip Service lovers, (and I hate to pimp livejournal here but there are some fantastic communities there) there is Lippy_addicts. I seriously recommend creating an LJ account so you have access to some of the sales and whatnot. I will say there's not a lot of plus size action but it's a really nice community that I like a lot.

If you are a make up lover like me. Or you just want to see some cool make up eyeshadowsluts is fucking fantastic.

And now I'm really fucking tired and sore so I am going to eat my delicious stew and then try not to fall down and yell.

Friday, May 23, 2008

Sexy Sexy

In case you're new here's a news flash about your hostess. I like kinky things.

And among those kinky things I have a interest in rope bondage. I don't do it but I am interested. And that is how I stumbled on Twisted Monk. He posted a video thingy he did with super diva Midori (on whom I've had a MAD crush on for a really long time). If you are not afraid of the bosses walking in I seriously recommend watching that video.

And as a super smooth segue I want to talk about fat and kink and art.

I look at a lot of fetish art. I like hot people in shiny clothes, I like people with tattoos and piercings, I like people trussed up in ropes, I like it. Now the unfortunate thing about this hobby of mine is that, after awhile the images just start all looking the same.

Now the very common aesthetic (and I am way generalizing here) is very similar to mainstream modeling. Tall, thin. Give or take some mohawks, pierced nipples and tattoos. Now there are some exceptions to the rule naturally but, the mainstream image of beauty prevails.

Frankly at least for me it gets old.

And honestly kind of disappointing after awhile. I recall when I first discovered fetish photography and alt porn what I found were people who looked, well different. There were some saggy boobs, saggy balls, cellulite, fat rolls, wrinkles, people of differing ages and physical appearances and that is what gives me the proverbial thrill.

When I started to collect these images I was pretty disappointed that the "higher quality" magazines etc all had such similar looks I got bored.

Lately I've kind of given up.

There are exceptions-

April Flores AKA Fatty D. Who I think is fucking sexy.

But come ON now man.

I have known a lot of kinky people in my life and what gets presented in Fetish media does not represent even half of them. And that bugs me.

If you're going to do something in a counter culture or "alt" scene fucking do it. Maybe I have off expectations but really. Is diversity beyond hair color and five pounds too much?

I used to read a popular fetish gossip site and as with so many other places if someone looked to be over a size 4 there were cries of "FAT FAT OMFG MY EYEEEEZ FAT" and while I expect that I still find it disappointing.

Maybe I grew up around "alt" people who had a slightly better grasp on actually being different rather than posing as different. I don't know. But my interest is waning rapidly.

I'm still a big fan of some photographers. Namely the brain trust behind Blueblood. Forrest Black and Amelia G. I have followed their careers and work for a long time. But at this point I would probably not pay to join any of their sites anymore. Not that I don't enjoy their photography, I do but a lot of the previews etc I see just don't give me that special tingle in the crotch related area of my brain. I do get an aesthetic tingle but the crotchal thrill is gone.

That makes me a little sad.

I have such a craving for visual stimulation it's ridiculous. But what does it for me is well beyond what's popular and around.

I guess what I'm trying so painfully to get at is I want to see the real.

I had a copy of this book that I cannot for the life of me remember the title and the photography just floored me. People of different ages, not smoothed out and photoshopped to look like Barbies with tattoos in latex. Wrinkly asses, wrinkly faces. Fat. Stretchmarks. Cellulite.

And the most beautiful thing, these expressions. I remember the last photo in the book was of this couple, I don't know how old they were at the time and they were celebrating their anniversary with the lady cutting/scarring her male partner. I remember her holding this bloody scalpel, her head thrown back and mouth wide open in what I interpreted as laughter.

She had wrinkles and saggy boobs and I was stunned and awed.

That is what I like.

I want to see the people I know are out there having a good goddamn time. I want to see something human beyond the model.

My usual response when I feel like this is to want to create what I can't find for myself. Fuck everyone else I will do my own thing.

In this case though I have neither the talent nor the means to and it's frustrating as hell.

I also don't expect people to alter their aesthetic choices because I'm bored. not at all. Rather what I'd like to see is someone with some balls and talent to explore this successfully without going into the whole, ZOMFG FATTY FETISH type thing.

If the whole Fat Fetish is your thing I don't care. What I am looking for is not, "oh look fat girls is pretty too maybe" but "damn that is a beautiful photo." Period.

If you can dig someone with eleventy billion body mods shoving a giant glass dildo in their asshole while wearing assless chaps striped socks and giving the finger, is it such a stretch to maybe dig someone with a lumpy butt, some wrinkles, stretch marks and saggy balls? Is it really?

No, you don't have to get all twittery in the pants about it, but would it be SO difficult to express appreciation for another human being while reserving whatever moral judgment you may attribute to their appearance?

Yeah probably it is.

I've not got my head that far up my butt. I know the above is probably asking too much of Joe Q Public. And that too makes me sad.

So some links.

I LOVE this shot.

I also love local shutterbug Malixe. There is such a realness to his photos that I don't see in a lot of other photographers work.

A lot of photographers get so into the smoothed out dream that the idea or hint of the real person gets lost. Which I understand sometimes is the point but meh, it just doesn't do it for me.

Which is why I get a TON more enjoyment out of non slick DIY or small production company porn. Which is why I like reading sex blogs because I like to see/experience the parts of the sex that aren't slick and BAM they are naked.

I like oops's. I like it when two people are so into what they are doing they fall down.

Or someone farts, or gets the giggles. Has butt hair and real boobies.

So if you want to turn me on, get my attention or otherwise cause some reaction in the crotch area of my brain give me real.

I realize this entry is probably all over the place because my neck really fucking hurts and so does my back.

Maybe one of these days I'll actually get around to arty shots of my own dimply stretchmarked self.

So fair warning. Someday you might come along wanting to read about sparkly eyeshadow and BAM there's a titty.

It could happen.

Okay I am not excited and I'm going to take some pills and walk around a little.

Homo Out.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Holy hello Fatosphere.

Hi folks.

Welcome back.

My feed is back on there clearly.

And I already stand corrected.

Back in this entry I used a silly pulled out of my ass comparison to make a point about how information is presented.

Here's what I said in a nutshell so you don't have to read the whole thing:

I think at some level we all know that no matter what you're studying, the facts can be skewed to say what you want them to say.

An example I am pulling out of my ass:

60% of African Americans think that poop is a disgusting nasty word.


40% of White people believe that poop is a fantastic and wonderful word.

Same information presented two different ways right? So if you're talking to people who want to believe that poop is a disgusting nasty word which form of data would you present?

Here is what someone said about that:

In your "poop" example, those two statements do not mean the same thing. In fact, they are totally unrelated. The number of African-Americans who like a given word has no causal bearing on the number of white people who like the word. You may want to rewrite the example so that the post makes sense.

I'm not going to rewrite the post.

I think that even if you take out my (as I said pulled out of my ass) silly comparison percentages there the point that how you present information and to whom, can in fact give you the window to skew information.

And since there's so many new people reading.

Some notes about your hostess.

I don't delete comments. I don't always respond but I don't delete them.

You will generally not find scientific studies, census data, medical information etc because I am not a scientist and those things tend to bore me to tears on reading them. If you're really into that sort of thing there are plenty of other places on the Fatosphere and internet to find them. Just not here.

Now back to our regularly scheduled programming.

Ottermatic posted about working fitness back into her life and a forgotten combo incident at the Y. You'll see I said I had almost the same thing happen to me.

At the Y forgotten combo after being horribly dumped the night before by my girlfriend. I don't cry often and only once in a blue striped moon do I cry in public but I sat on my towel on the floor sobbing my poor eyes out.

I remember sitting there wet and miserable, and wanting a smoke really bad and it was the fact that my cigarettes were in there that tipped me over into sobbing and muttering, "oh my gawwwwwwwwwwwwwwd" over and over again. I think some of the other ladies thought I was having a psychotic break of some sort and it took quite awhile for the staff member who came to my rescue to work out that I had been dumped, couldn't remember my combo and really wanted a fucking cigarette.

I can look back and laugh a little about it now. I was mortified I'd had such a breakdown in public not to mention the girl who'd dumped me had been really not a good match for me anyway. Ahh the remembered joys of post teen angst and baby lesbian drama.

I was reading a post elsewhere on the Fatosphere and again, there were some comments alluding to the fact that that blogger isn't "that fat" so she her blog shouldn't be on the Fatosphere. And that irks the shit out of me.

I don't know this blogger personally, I don't think I've ever commented to her and I don't want to bring attention to what I distinctly feel is inappropriate behaviour.

Her entry is very heartfelt and she is talking about herself. She's not talking about you, or what she thinks of you. She's talking about how she feels in her own skin.

See this entry here, for further comment on that whole mind set.

I call both shenanigans AND bullshit.

Double shenanigans and bullshit.

When people say things like this especially in someones blog I have to wonder, if it bothers you that much why did you keep reading? Why not read a few lines, decided you don't want to know and move on?

To me that's like sitting on a tack and then looking around mystified as to why your ass hurts.

I don't get it.

In other news I decided I'm going to sell my fabulous but too big Torrid coat. It's pained me but there is no way I have the sewing skills to take it in and I think it's a shame to cut it up. Another hot fattie is going to have to rock it in my stead and my quest for the penultimate faux fur coat will continue.

I had the perfect one for a long time, mid calve, monster fur and I wore it until it fell apart. I might have to try and make one.

Filljonk posted this today and it has me fairly inspired. Not to shop for a bikini but to try a little harder to work out some of my body/clothing issues.

I find myself on occasion denying myself the pleasure of wearing something because of some usually fleeting anxiety about my hams or my stomach. The weird thing is usually the thought is gone as quick as it comes so I've never really taken a lot of time to analyze it and just move on.

What tends to baffle me is that these usually aren't thoughts that are there all the time. If they were I could deal with it and say, okay stop. So I'm deciding as of last night to let it the fuck go.

I am not going to bug myself trying to figure it out. I'm just going to stop, and when it sneaks up I will acknowledge the feeling and let it go.

My big reason for addressing this now is that I hate those kind of random moments where my rain is not quite caught up with itself. I'd really prefer not to even go there with myself but sometimes it happens.

In other news if I go make five of these new Burda pattern dresses it is totally TR's fault because she posted the link and they are really fucking cute. Oh wait, WAIT it's free? Hot motherfucking damn. So now if I make like fourteen of them I can blame TR.

I also (and now can't find the link) found some DIY instructions on Fatshionista over on the LJ and I have a vision of the skirt with this pair of vintage-esque boots I have.

While I'm thinking about sewing I have decided that I really need to make myself an A line leopard print Mini. Maybe the fuzzy leopard print. Even though Uniballer hates animal print and gives me a ration of shit when I find animal print stuff I like.

Wow I just got entirely sidetracked writing a post I hope will be up at Fatshionista tomorrow.

If it does go up I will talk about it tomorrow.

Right now I am going to make myself a coffee, and daydream about fancy cupcakes.

Homo Out.

Also why is it the last two little packages I bought postage for online and dropped at the PO have come back to me? One for Vesta and one for a nice lady in CA. WTF?

Fucking post office.


Home from work and not ready to sleep.

So I went and played with flickr a little bit and randomly from a link on lj I found this guy and I like his pictures.

Also randomly I found a blog on the PI called BusChick that made me giggle.

You'll also note that down there on the right I added Flickr and Goodreads badges.

Yay for silly widgets.

As much as I love to thrift it will probably come as no surprise that I am a freebie lover.

I Love. Free. Shit.

So I sometimes will spend an hour or two looking for awesome samples and I LOVE shopping at places where they offer samples.

Just recently I got the following in the mail. (Also little packages in the mail every so often is made of win and awesome)


That is a sample of the Caress Exotic Oil Infusion body wash in Brazilian and some Acne Stress Control scrub from Neutrogena.

I plan on using both in my freshly cleaned bathtub in a matter of moments.

Oh and before I forget for my homies that love the make up. If you have face charts from where ever let me know I am collecting them.

Also sadly my favorite ballet flats have been officially retired. I didn't realize just how ratty they'd become until I was tripping over broken bits all day.

However I do have a pair I bought last summer that are cute and comfortable so no shoe emergency. I love my Docs but I hate swamp foot.

Also I am really wanting a synth dread kit to buy with my blood stimulus money.

However I am very torn.

Okay now I am going to go have a bath and maybe if I can stay awake paint my toenails a violent shade of pink.

I did actually have something to say but I've forgotten now. I'm tired.

Homo Out.

Monday, May 19, 2008

Fat, fatty fat fat fat.

So yeah guess by the title what's goin on today?

I'm at work. Finally over the fucking migraine of suck.

However I am peeved because I forgot to have Uniballer take a picture of the fantastic hot ass summer outfit I wore on friday. I felt like the hot fucking sex in that. I will have to recreate it. What makes it even better is that it's a 98% thrifted outfit.

And the batteries in the camera are dead so fotos of anything will have to wait.

So first a word about the the term plus size model.

If you watch America's Next Top Model you'll know that plus size model Whitney won. There's a whole big thing about it but I don't care about all that. What I do want to discuss is the often and repeated freaking out in fat circles when a "plus size" model isn't necessarily fat.

Okay. This is plus size in the context of the fashion world. Not just the fashion world but the high fashion world. When you're average sample size is a 0-2 yes, people a size 8 is plus size.

It doesn't matter if the model is actually fat or not. No matter how much it might irk or piss you off, in that context yes a size 8 is going to be plus size.

Forgetting context bothers me.

Next let's talk about Torrid.

All over the fatosphere people are angry about Torrid being a part of a new MTV reality modeling thing. Some aspiring plus size models go to boot camp, lose weight and try to win a modeling contract. Read about it here, and here.

Okay this is probably not going to be a popular opinion. Which is why you'll note I've not commented in any of the discussions about this.

Torrid is not a Fat activist company. Torrid is not an organization devoted to Size Acceptance, Fat acceptance or any other acceptance except money acceptance. Yes, Torrid does make some hot ass clothes for fat girls. No, they are not here to make you feel better about yourself or guide you on your path to being happy as a fat girl. They Want. Your. Money.

Just like any other company, they want your dollars. And come on now folks, are we really all that surprised MTV has yet another exploitative show in mind?

Now to the whole boot camp weight loss thing.

To quote from a pretty (from what I've read) informative plus size modeling website:

Plus-size models have many of the same requirements "straight size" models do. They are usually tall (5'8" to 6'0"), have a beautiful face, great bone structure, clear skin, a gorgeous smile, and a well proportioned body. They often find work from their mid-teens all the way through middle age and work in markets all over the US and around the world.

And here's some more:

What are the requirements to be a Plus Size Model?

* Between 5'8" and 6'0" 5'9" is pretty much minimum for larger markets though Wilhelmina in NYC does represent a few girls who are 5'7" and 5'8".
* A size 10, 12, 14, 16 Sizes 8 and 18/20 are also used, but are not as common.
* Toned. You may be a "plus size," but you may have to be in shape if you model swimwear, lingerie or fitness gear.
* In style and in demand. You must have a look that is current yet not overly trendy. Plus-size models model a lot of "classic" wear. You don't want to have a buzz cut and a pierced nose if you get called for a Talbot's shoot. Keep your hair and make-up in fashion.
* Age. Teens through middle age.
* Proportionate. You should be in proportion. Your bust, waist and hips should be about ten inches apart in size (i.e. 42-32-42) or very close. In addition, the shorter you are, the smaller your size should be. Someone who is 5'8" would be expected to wear a smaller size (12/14) than a taller model. It is all about length and proportion.


So if you are in fact a tall, proportionate (hourglass), toned in shape fattie you will probably not need bootcamp in order to book work. However if you are a tall, mostly proportionate kind of toned aspiring plus model, you might go all in for something like this.

The fact is that no matter how pissed off you get, the context of weightloss in this case can be merited and I believe should be discussed. I know I know, NO DIETING TALK FOR NO REASONS MAN!! But really.

We aren't discussing naked type modeling where, those requirements can be bent or ignored. We aren't talking about daily life or the daily lives of fatties everywhere.

Regardless of this being plus size or not, it's the fucking fashion industry which in case you've missed it somehow is not based in reality. Like, barely based in reality maybe if I'm feeling generous.

Going back to Torrid. If you check out the website, their models fit the standard of plus size modeling. Look at this lovely lady for a minute. Now have another look at plus model standards. Mmm yeah. I think you get my point here.

So I won't be boycotting Torrid. I won't be boycotting because frankly whether or not they endorse weightloss has nothing to do with nothing as far as I'm concerned. They have not as an entity come out with any Fat Positive, No Diet, No Weight Loss credo so no, I don't think there is anything wrong with what they are involved in. It's publicity, it brings people to the store who would probably shop there, they make some money the circle of commerce is complete.

In this context I think a boycott and outrage is not the most effective fight to pick. I will still buy from Torrid when the mood strikes.

Moving on.

Maybe I'm just getting old but sometimes I read posts that just don't move me at all and I kind of sit back and watch people flail and just have to wonder how the fuck do you seriously have all that energy?

I don't get really angry over things like someone using a word and then apologizing for it. Unless they have a history of douchebag behaviour I tend to chalk it up to, we're all human and have off days.

That totally probably means I am getting old yo.

And next thing.

I don't understand the upset over shapewear in this particular day and age.

I don't know about you but the only people to ever even suggest in a pushy kind of way that I use shapewear have been older and elderly women in my family for whom, the girdle was a way of life and not a political statement.

I get really very tired of the idea that (again, I know you've heard/seen it) that you can't really be body positive if you don't feel like your ass cheeks jiggling in that particular dress. Or if you would prefer that your back rolls be demoted to back cookies in that dress.


Everytime I see the arguments about fucking shapewear I just shake my head.

Not wanting your ass to jiggle, or wanting to be able to suck it in that extra millimeter to fit into that dress that's been in your closet for a millenia is not a moral issue. It's often not a political issue. It's an aesthetics issue.

It doesn't mean you hate fat people, you hate being fat or that you hate jiggly ass cheeks.

That's a whole other thing I get tired of in any body oriented movement. The idea that everything you wear or want to wear or way you want to look reveals some deeply hidden hate or discontent or other way to get your ass booted out of the club. That is so extraordinarily tiring to me.

As I've said in arguments with people about my hair (the fact that I choose not to wear it natural) it's not a fucking political statement. No really. Nor were any of the times I wore braids, have worn a corset, have worn some control tops, have worn DUNDUNDUN a REAL GIRDLE.

No really.

And for people like me who sometimes make wardrobe choices strictly on the basis of what makes their brains go, "OH HAYL YEAH" being questioned about it ad nauseum is probably not going to change my mind. It might make me not want to speak to you but I will probably wear whatever anyway.

Rehashing of this sort of thing really does not hold my interest for more than three seconds.

I totally started this yesterday and should post it now. I have nothing else to add really.

I will post a new make up picture later as well as probably something else.

Homo Out.

I will take my rantypants off first.

Friday, May 16, 2008

And then I said..

I have a seriously really bad makes me kind of want to die kind of migraine that is settling in my neck and head. So instead of serious I am going to show you some clothes.

Also Lindsay thanks and I would totally lay a smooch on you.:)

Old Navy is actually kind of catching my attention these days with things like this silver metallic pleated skirt. My brain immediately saw that with one of my black tanks, some cute flats and bam cute summer outfit.

This summer I'm really leaning towards that kind of look. I have a fucking TON of skirts of varying sorts. I really need more. I have been having issues finding just the right summer dresses that don't offend my delicate goth sensibilities or look like my boobs will just pop right out. There's a time and place for that and at the bus stop in downtown Seattle is not it.

I am developing an unhealthy obsession with not really high wedge heels since I walk so much. I have some sexy ass calves and I think that would be the hotness.

Also if anyone wants to buy me something buy me this skirt reconned by Ugly Shyla. I bought a straight black skirt from her with the same design and just love it. But that circle skirt is screaming my name.

For that skirt I would probably wear a wide patent belt and um...use an actual razor on my legs.

Okay I have to digress here for a minute.

If I see one more person whining about how "family values" are endangered because the homos can get married in some states I am going to have a fucking stroke.

Say what you fucking mean. You mean "Christian heterosexual nuclear family values" you fuck.

Family is not just one fucking thing.


You people make Jesus weep with that. You know that right?

Wow migraine+apoplectic for a minute is not a good combo.

Moving along.

I found a new fat fashion blog and you should read it I like this lady. Fat Chic. She posted a link to an old youtube video with former model and author Nancy Hayssen.

You can see her NSFW famous response pic to that freaky anti anorexia ad that was up quite awhile ago here.

I really like that shot a lot.

It's now past one in the morning and I am really tired but migraine mania is clawing at my brains and I'm feeling kind of OHEMEFGEEWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE right now.


So here I am to ramble.

I was trying to organize my flickr account and sometimes I forget that goddamn I am fly.

So in celebration of my hotness I present mah hams.

Mah hams...let me show you dem.

First foto hams crossed.


I used to be so self conscious about my big ole meaty thighs. Even when I was quite painfully funny looking thin, I still had myself some big ole hams. Now, yanno I am kinda digging them. I'll have to get uniballer to take a shot of me standing in a short skirt but they are pleasing to my eye. I dig the shape of my hams. They have curves that I enjoy. I'm entirely thankful I don't have thigh bone+half inch of meat. Cool if it's what you've got but that's not for me.

And one of my beloved "spilled coffee" birthmark high up on my left thigh. That is a mole in the middle of it and yes I get it checked.


Forgive the weirdly lit webcam photos I totally don't feel like unplugging my digital camera from Uniballer's computer.

That birthmark is my favorite of all of them that I have. I spill things all the time so it's just kind of funny.

And I totally do not have pants on. It's not Half Naked Thursday but I am half naked.

Also yes, my hams are kinda dimply and I STILL dig them. Yes I do.

Ye gods the weather change has my skin from scalp to feet going buck wild and I am dry and itchy on the stems and greasy in the face.

I also have stretch marks. *GASP* oh noooooooooooooez.

And it's not because I'm fat. It's because I went through puberty fairly quickly and when skin loses elasticity for any reason BAM stretch marks. I used to really super hate those as well but now, fuck it. All the women in my family have them. Whether on the booty for the tall skinny ones like my Mom and Gma or round the arms and boobies for the short big titty having ones like me. It's not that big a goddamn deal.

Okay I am going to go get in the tub and exfoliate my ass until it's shiny and smooth. And I am going to remove a layer of fuzz from my stems because my legs are itching like hell and so dry I want to kind of dunk myself in a vat of Crisco.

So goodnight my darlings.

Tomorrow, new make up pics in the flickr, and if I can find all the components, a hot ass outfit.

Homo Out.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Oh such fun.

Karnythia had a post over at The Angry Black Woman today asking about catcalling in response to an article at CNN.

Ladies, ladies ladies. Not all of you, I love a lot of you but you that said this:

"Yeah, it's objectifying and all, but you know, if I walked down the street and didn't have men looking me up and down and catcalling, I'd think, 'Boy, I must really be getting old and dumpy,' " she said.

Um..wait what?

Ooh okay.

Ready my friends?

First of all, I find it to be a sad and disturbing thing that someone needs strange dudes to validate their youth and non-dumpiness. Bonus points for equating old and dumpy. And super extra bonus points for making old and dumpy seem like yanno the be all end all of TEH EBUL!

I don't even want to get further into that. You my fantastic readers are smart. I can almost hear the chorus of "what the shit" even now.

I will however discuss the absurdities I've faced and witnessed at the hands of men and boys who indulge themselves in catcalling.

But first a foray into my own love of you got it, cockcalling. You read that right. I have a distinct and sadistic love of making men who behave like jack asses squirm. There are many reasons including, I'm mean and well I'm mean. I look young. I also look sweet and unless you know me, you might be shocked at what comes out of my mouth sometimes.

We all know by now(if you've read me for any amount of time) that I curse enough to make a sailor blush and purse his lips.

So since I was probably 14 or so I have been known to say gross and objectifying things to random men. Usually not unprovoked, usually in response to whatever gross objectifying thing they just said. Mainly because I can.

My response to catcalling, oh my darlings it's fun. I will say some of the foulest most disgusting things with a sweet smile and a straight face. I know I've talked about it before but here are some of my favorites.

And remember, always bonus points for the dead pan stare and monotone, 2 points for the raised eyebrow and speaking in that horrible slow tone that says you're fucking stupid, and super extra bonus points if you make a scene and/or make said males friends laugh at him.

Most recently:

Picture this, I am walking as fast as my wee legs will carry me down the sidewalk towards Bartells because I am having an allergy emergency. My eyes are burning, I'm positive my expression is less than "Oh HAI DOOD" and I see a silver car swerve into the parking lot in front of me. I keep walking. Boy in car turns down his music a little and yells, "HEY BABYGIRL YOU WANT A RIDE?"

Now from the looks of him I'm probably at least a few years older than him, and really fucking annoyed. I stop dead in my tracks and turn slowly, while removing my sunglasses. He smiles and I scowl. And say loudly:

"Do I LOOK like I want a fucking ride? Are you trying to make me late for fucking work? If I miss my fucking bus because of your stupid ass I am going to key your fucking car."

Boy..*blink* he proceeds to ask me why I gotta be like that, and he was just trying to be nice. I ask him in my best monotone you're a dickhead and a moron voice, "didn't your mother ever tell you not to get into cars with strangers?" And then my very favorite:

"DO I look like I'm fucking hooking you fuck?"

He drives off, I make it into Bartells snickering and find allergy medication.

Men who catcall rarely if ever expect to be greeted by rudeness or crudity. And I take full advantage of that fact. I give the finger, I will call names. Some of my other favorite come backs include:

*insert catcall here* Guy turns to buddy and says, "Must be a dyke" I will turn and look the guy up and down say: "I am now". Smart guys catch it, the dumb ones don't.

Other favorite, guy says something. Give him a slow very slow once over all the while shaking your head slightly and muttering no under your breath.

Another favorite is the not a word blank unblinking stare. People will think you're crazy. And most people don't fuck with you if you're crazy.

My other point here is that (again, I say this all the time) if you act like an asshole don't expect a blowjob and cookies.

Furthermore, if you are a man and you expect "ladylike" behavior don't be pissed off if you don't get it.

Switching gears what is okay?

Boys you know I love you, I love the cock we know this. And because of that love I will give you some pointers when approaching a lady for what you hope is a conversation that might lead to eventual sex.

Let's say you see said pretty lady walking and she's not exactly hurrying but not walking slowly. Do not step into her path and get in her face. From a polite and respectful but within earshot and say, "Excuse me Miss Lady?" If she wants to talk to you she will acknowledge that you spoke to her. If not she will probably look at you and look away. Or shake her head or something pay attention.

If she does pause to talk to you because you're looking fly, stand not too close to her and for the love of fluffy bunnies do not touch her. Say something like,

"I'm sorry I stopped you, but I think you are beautiful."

Then shut the hell up.

If the beautiful lady is interested she will probably let you know. If she says thanks and walks away let it go.

Let's say you're in the coffee shop and you see, BAM hot lovely lady. You can say about the same thing. The theme here is boys, don't be gross. Don't be lewd unless the venue calls for it. Never say things like this (I shit you not people these are things men have said to me)

In the porn store with a friend we were buying gay porn (mmm porn) and this guy taps me on the shoulder and points to the rack of the magazine "Black Tail" and asks if I was the centerfold the previous month. At first I just shook my head and went back to my porno perusing, and had he let it go everything would have been fine. However he bugged me for twenty goddamn minutes and completely ruined my porn buying evening.

Sadly the only means of escape other than leaving which we didn't feel like doing was me sweet talking a stripper into free drink and admission coupons to the strip club upstairs. My gay was at first kind of horrified cause OMFG PUSSY, but he had fun anyway because OH HAY BOOBIES.

Another time while I was waiting for a hot butch to get off of work and take me out, I was chilling outside Westlake mall downtown, drinking some coffee and reading when this guy walks up to my table and announces his intention to do something or other with me. I decline, tell him I'm waiting for someone.

Everything would have been fine if he hadn't said, "don't tell me you're a lesbo."

And yeah, my reaction was not nice nor was it pretty. I said very loudly yes I AM a lesbian and my wife would not appreciate you speaking to me like that. Yes I was LOUD.

Then hot butchness walked up and he mistook her for a dude, said something about fuckin dykes. And she said, "Why yes I am going to fuck that dyke." We laughed, he walked away sort of drooping.

Boys, even if you have super fantastic game there are do's and don'ts to work off of. Don't touch women you don't know. Don't get in the face of a woman you don't know.

Do be goofy, be funny, be silly be hot and smooth if you wanna but just don't be a fucking douchebag. Else you may one day face the verbal wrath of a woman like me and you really don't want that do you know.

You get my point.

I have fat related stuff to talk about, shocking I know but I don't feel like it right this minute.

So go over and check out my last outfit post at Flickr. No make up and cranky for the win.

I'll probably upload some pictures of my fantastic make up later on as well.

And yeah another post later it's a brewing.

Homo Out.


Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Dood seriously.

Hello Jo and Joy (an aside here I totally sat here sing songing Jo-Joy Jo-Joy to myself for like two minutes).

Now for some news yes? Yes.

So as you may or may not know I am a struggling/wannabe/whining writer type and I have had some fiction publication over the last few years and I am only recently making any serious foray into non fiction. My first paid gig as a um, well non technical amusement comes via the website MeanPC. My second editorial is hot off the press and find that bad boy here. This is a pretty kick ass website for us geek types. There are some great tech heavy reviews of stuff and then you have my silly editorials. My other one is located here. So that is hella exciting. And as an aside, HI Lonnie :)

My thus far shaky and slow writing career has spawned some hot porno, a hot mess of poetry and now some editorials. I have delusions of becoming a fabulous essayist and quite possible the perviest chick you know. Although that second one, I am probably 65% of the way there.

Yes, my friends I am a pervert. I like really very dirty and probably to some people gross things. Yes I do.

So that's what's new and fabulous with me right this instant.

In other news I really want to get my eyebrows done this week. I'm not sure how much it costs though since I usually do them myself but I am craving a little pampering. Or I might just do them myself and save some more $$ for some cosmetic type shiny things.

I really want to try some new mascara although the Maybelline Lash Stylist I've been using is pretty damn good. I was skeptical of the little comb thing at first but once I got the hang of it it's actually pretty good.

I really want something that'll give me the huge spidery lash I love so much.

I've been thinking about making Uniballer teach me how to use my digicam for video so I can make some youtube make up videos. Several friends have told me I should and I think it would be fun since um yeah HI I watch a shitload of them so I might as well make some.

I also need to make a list of what make up brushes I need. Probably should stock up on those before I go eyeshadow crazy again. I am also going to have to get a bigger train case at this rate.

Ye Gods my hobbies are freaking expensive. Even with my uber bargain shopping abilities some things I will just have to pay full price for and that chaps my ass.

Okay I'm done for today I have things to do. First I have to make a list of all the supplies I need to take care of my hair for the summer since I still can't braid my own goddamn hair.

Homo Out.

Monday, May 12, 2008

Fat Musings.

Even though my feed doesn't appear to work with the Fatosphere feed anymore I still read it regularly and have been having some you guessed it musings.

First on the whole no diet talk issue. Granted everybodys blog is their own sandbox and you can make whatever rules you want. But this persistent idea that one must keep diet talk, weight loss talk etc out of fat acceptance entirely still chafes me.

As I understand it, the assumption is that you cannot love you body and still want to change it. I don't subscribe to that particular view point. I was going to link some things but I don't feel like it. Anyway, my thought is that I do believe that you can love and accept yourself entirely and want to change a few things.

The main problem I have with this dogmatic do not speak of this mentality is that it ignores a lot of what the people who are coming to FA, and what people who might be interested, and let's be honest a good segment of the population of FA. I know this is not a popular or "radical" (I'll get to that in a bit) idea however I do think it's not helping the cause.

Let's say you are very fat and you've come to a place where you dig your body, you feel good about yourself, you have shed the the majority of the bullshit heaped on you by peers and probably family. You are doing pretty fucking good. Maybe you're getting a little older, maybe your diet changes whatever you gain some weight. Let's say 20 pounds.

Okay you got your character? Good.

So now imagine you are this fat self loving person who has chronic osteoarthritis or you have a bad back, maybe an ankle you broke when you were 12 that hasn't been right since. Let's also pretend that you aren't quite brand new to FA circles but you're not really all in there. You don't really have anyone to talk to about this aside from maybe your doctor whom you're not ready to discuss this with yet.

You think maybe you can talk to your new FA homies about the fact that this last 20 pounds has just got you hurting.

So you start reading around the Fatosphere and all the big name (and let's not pretend there's not a hierarchy here people) and they all tell you, you can't talk about it there, or with them.

How do you feel?

Maybe it doesn't sour you on FA but maybe it makes you more hesitant to participate because all the prevailing dogma says you cannot want to lose weight at any time for any reason and no it's not to be discussed.

I don't know about the fat people you know, but a lot of the fat people I know are coming from lives where they have been thrown to the wolves as it were, and I would venture to guess that some of these souls are squirming in their seats because they want to comment and say, no wait but I would be too many are afraid.

What's there to be afraid of you ask?

You could get flamed, you could get ostracized, you could get that ever so wonderful "Let me educate you and cleanse you of your wicked ways" type condescension.

I don't think this is helpful. I think cutting off discussion because it doesn't suit your particular political flavor is just, not helpful.

Next thing I worry about is the constant rehashing without any sort of consensus or even understanding of a few issues. Namely, who's fat? What's "good" for fatties to do or not do. Sometimes it feels like FA gets bogged down in questions that really come down to things that a political movement cannot change.

Things like autonomy and the bogeyman of choice. FA like so many other body oriented movements I have been familiar with shit starts to happen. Someone decides that what someone else said was bad, there's butthurt, there's the person who may publicly or privately say something that doesn't toe the party line and all hell breaks loose.

It's not exclusive to FA nor is it a new thing but it is something I think about.

Moving onto that interview I linked the other day with author/blogger PastaQueen became such a fucking trainwreck.

I don't even want to link it because way too many people took off their sanity hats and put on their frothing at the mouth and being dicks hats.

Next topic: Being Inclusive.

The free dictionary says that inclusive means literally-

1. including everything: capital inclusive of profit
2. including the limits specified: Monday to Friday inclusive
3. comprehensive

Any movement including FA tends to sometimes run around in circles trying to figure out the whole inclusive thing. Who gets to play? Who gets shown the door?

Often my issue with any movement is that unless you look like someone who should be there often you're shunted into the dubious position of advocate. In and of itself that's not bad but, I think it'd behoove any movement to say oh HAY you agree with us? Come kick it.

Not, well you're not (insert adjective here) but you can say you support us kthnks bai.

Call me a dirty hippy but I think the road to salvation is paved with inclusive cobblestones rather than cobblestones for us and gravel for you.

I believe this because no matter what your movement is, you have to share the world with a shitload of people who are way different than you. They are white, they are thin, they are from other countries they are from entirely different worlds than yours. No matter how "safe" your individual space might be, they are still out there and at some point unless you have some super secret to life, you are going to have to interact with them.

So instead of coming at the world like you're my enemy and fuck you, why not say hey check this out. This is what I am into right now, and I know this isn't your world but (insert interesting social discourse then hippy laden hugging here).

To quote Mo Pie's entry on BFD "10 Ways to be a Body Positive Advocate"

Understand that a lot of people are hateful morons, and they don’t reflect on you, and they shouldn’t affect you.

You should go read that whole entry.

But that bit is especially relevant here. And I will add that maybe the person who is the moron, on sight you might think YEAH we have this in common so this will rock. That is not so. Support and understanding can come from unexpected corners and frankly I think it's dumb to not see it or look for it because you haven't yet worked out your own prejudices.

At some point any movement needs to recognize that dividing on the basis of things that are in the big picture not that big a deal.

We're all going to have to pull up our big girl panties and put our hard hats on because the world is a crazy rough place and we can use all the armor we can get.

And if none of this made any fucking sense it's because I'm really tired and have a toothache.

Homo Out.


Friday, May 09, 2008

So true.

More reasons to love Jill Scott-

Sometimes when you are a big titty having type, no matter how well your bra fits by the end of the day you're done. I'm not sure how I feel about the back of that bra but it's always nice to see somebody making some changes.

I had a big serious post about the interview with PastaQueen over at BFD but I'm really not in the mood. It's shit I've said before. I used to read her journal for awhile, I'm not buying the book and I'm quite frankly not very interested in anything she has to say.

I am really seriously over the whole weight loss as the super road to personal transformation. I really am.

I'm also tired of having to explain over and over what FA is.

If someone seriously thinks that any civil rights movement is all about "making" them do something than fuck em. These are the same fuckers who will whine about being "made" to do this or that and they are so wrapped up in their own little world of entitlement the idea that people just want to be treated like human beings and not fucked with for whatever reason, fuck em.

Fuck em. Fuck em. FUCK THEM.

Right in the goat ass.

I am over it.

Listen people, pull up your big girl panties and put on your hardhats and fucking deal.

Stop demonizing people and deal with your own bullshit.

In other news. I am almost ready to move to the next gauge in my earholes. 12 Gauge here I come.

In yet more good news I am still putting together my Amazon Astore.

Truth is folks I have long dreamed of owning a beauty supply store. And since I don' really have the time, energy or resources to have a real one I'm going to put all my stuff in a silly associate store. Nothing I am picking for this store is stuff I wouldn't use myself.

Because there is a limit to how many products per store you can feature I might make separate ones for my hair/beauty supply type stuff and another for everything else.

Hrm. Not sure yet.

And my hair bling, let me show you it.


Again I say, my hair is LUXURIOUS.

And I love henna.

To read all about the fabulosity that is my hair read my hair journal located here.

Now I am going to put together my hair care list so i can keep myself in supplies for the summer.

And I am going to try not to stab myself in the sciatic nerve.

Homo Out.


Thursday, May 08, 2008

How the Homo Thing Started.

Okay so if you've been reading me for a long time or just wandered here you've noticed I tend to sign off my posts like so:

Homo Out.

So I had this gay boyfriend and he and I were like, um. Not quite Will and Grace, think more gay, more liquor and more glitter.

One Saturday he and I were all gothed up together and on our way out for the evening, and we were looking hot. Hot enough that we had to stop at a bar by his place prior to our Gothtastic destination.

While at that bar we got a little toasty drunk and were doing some very dirty dancing, some smooching on the dancefloor then while we were waiting outside with some very hot other gay boys, I twirled and put my tiara on. Demanded to be called Princess.

One of the other gay boys stopped mid sentence and pointed at me and said-

"You are SUCH a homo."

We all laughed and since many people call me homo and I gracefully accept.

So that's where that comes from.

Now I'm going to Denny's and I'm having pie for dinner because I can.



Soooo my darling readers I've been doing some housekeeping. I have added a ton of blog links to your right there, I also removed some crap, fixed up some other crap and added stumbleupon and um, digg.

Now I have to tell you how much of a geek I am. I don't use any auto coding anything. I make all changes like that by hand. I added some sparkly things. The last.fm widget, and um...yeah.

I'm also currently working on an about me page. Something a little more interesting than the blogger profile page. I am finishing that up and will upload it later.

And holy shitballs man my html/css coding skills is rusty.

I also added way down there at the bottom a banner link to my homie Sarah. She is a fantastic author (and I can admit I am a wee bit jealous of her talent/book deals), sweet lady who I like very much. For a minute, I was conflicted because her publisher is Seal Press. But, as I have told myself before. I can support the people I care about and fuck the rest of them.

So you should go to her blog and buy both of her books.


Also coming up I am putting together one of those Amazon Astore things. I know a lot of people hate Amazon and whatnot but I would like to have an area here where I can recommend things to you my friends. I kind of hate the random suggestions from Amazon affiliate links so there you have it.

I also removed the big ads there. I have never made more than (quite literally) a quarter from blogging and I'm not really looking for big money here. But as I mentioned last month I am Hustlin.

But the store is coming along nicely. I am hand picking items to feature. Not all big ticket either. I love you folks too much for that. However it is slow freaking going man. I am such a persnickety nit about it.

Anyway look for more added bits in the next few days.

Also I am ( ) that close to being done with my AromaLeigh review and it's gonna be a biggun.

Later on I swear the Homo Out story. Promise.

Homo Out.


Wednesday, May 07, 2008

Good times man good times.

I don't feel like being uber serious today so I am going to talk about beauty, knitting, possibly my boobs and um...whatever.

But first go read this post over at Racialicious about the assumptions people make when you date interracially. Being that I have dated all sorts of differently pigmented peoples, I do have lots to say about it just not today. Go read that, digest, then come back and see what crazy I pour forth.

Okay so let's talk about knitting. I tried to learn how to knit from a kit I got at Walmart probably five years ago now and it ended with me in tears, throwing the needles yarn and the book across the room and I believe Uniballer may have thrown it away to keep me from hollering about it more.

However I have this horrible lust to learn how to knit. So I might pick myself up a copy of Knitting for Dummies (hey the for Dummies taught me my html basics back in the day and when it comes to knitting I am in fact, a dummy)and trying to learn again. Mainly because I have these lovely genteel fantasies of knitting away while on the bus, making myself some socks while listening to Slayer on my headphones.

Sweet innit?

And okay onto fat.

I've been using my health insurance companies website to try and find a new doctor. I've been clicking around and it has a handy dandy "Ideal Weight Calculator". This works so fantastic. All it asks is your height and sex. Not your age, ability, etc. According to it I should at 5'3" weigh 126 pounds.

And since I have a vague idea of how much I weigh, it says my BMI is=death by obesity. This is me for reference. However, if you go by my waist to hip ratio they say:

Your shape puts you at reduced risk of coronary heart disease, diabetes and stroke. Frequently referred to as pear shape, you tend to keep fat off your midsection and more on your hips. Our bodies do not convert this lower body fat as readily as midsection fat, which keeps cholesterol down.


So by their calculations I am going to die of the fat, but my pear shape saves me from heart disease, diabetes or stroke. But wait, wait. Isn't my fat going to make me die of diabetes, stroke, and heart diseased? Are you chasing your tail yet?

Now according to them the optimal way for me to lose all these killing pounds would be to run at 12 MPH, for 116 minutes to lose 1 pound.

Now if I were to do that, I would be in so much pain my weight would become a moot point. Now this "personalized" profile knows that I have joint problems, a bad back etc. And it tells me to run.

They also say I need to lose weight NOW, my nutrition sucks, and I am depressed and stressed out but my wellness score is....96% out of 100.

How fucking stupid.

It says I need to:

* You need to start a weight-loss program.
* You need to quit smoking.
* Get your blood pressure tested.
* Buckle up.
* Get your cholesterol checked.
* Add more fiber to your diet.

So I'm too fat, even though I'm pretty fucking healthy I'm fat and OH NO, I don't buckle up.

The "assessment" assumes you drive which I don't. I ride in cars maybe twice a year. If that often. The fiber issue was based on white breads and pasta which I don't eat a lot of.

Yes smoking is bad I know that. But come on now.

So I messed around with their meal planner and I cannot afford that shit. If I could afford to eat salmon every other day and buy bulk flax seeds and shit I fucking would.

I wouldn't be so annoyed if it wasn't all over the site that it's "personalized recommendations just for YOU" type shit. It's not. I know how it works but it's fucking misleading. And I know a crapton of people who would read stuff like that and flip their fucking wigs.

Moving on that shit was irritating. But I feel better after soup and vitamins and tea.

So my boobs. My boobs OH EM EFF GEE my fucking boobs.

I need new bras in a real bad kind of way.

Somehow the UK has found out I have big tits and I am on the mailing list for Bravissimo Bras. specially made for us big titty having types.

Have a looksy there and look at their varied models. Now no none of them are fat and a lot of the bras only go up to band size 40 if you're lucky but, it's a huge step up from air brushed weirdness that is most lingerie catalogs.

Now this has freaked me out for years and yes, it's a little weird but I seriously get creeped out by the airbrushed out nipples, pudenda and pubes in Frederick's of Hollywood Catalogs. I don't know if they are trying to get past some weird mail obscenity laws or what but it's fucking creepy. I have nipples, not big nipples but my nipples have a presence, and I would like to see just how sheer a bra might be when paired with, some dark nipples is that too much to ask?

Or come on now.

It is weird.

So anyway I think I am going to save up the loot and try to find someone in the UK to receive the package for me because I love their bras. And after a measurement I am in fact a 38 D rather than a 40 DD as I had thought.

I am excited about that. Also they say boobs a lot in their catalog and website copy and how could I not love anywhere that says boobs?

OH wait one more thing. I have an insane hard on for this model right here. All because she looks almost exactly like this girl we'll call Miss Too Hot that I tried my damndest to get into her pants back in the day. Despite the fact that she was at the time 35 and I was 19. Also despite the fact that her wife could bench press me then break me in half. Actually I was angling for a threeway because I thought she was hot too.

Tru fax man.

So if you want to buy me fancy lingerie feel free. I am very partial to black, microfiber, not a lot of lacy bits (I HATE my titties being itchy), plunge, full coverage and/or the occasional balconette bra. I like my D cups all up like WHOA.

Skip the panties though because I hate my junk being contained. Yes, that means I don't really like wearing panties because I invariably either have a wedgie of doom, my labia get irritated or I lose chunks of pubic hair and I am not down with that.

Cause seriously, 60 goddamn dollars for a bra. I know it's worth it but I better get a blow job to go along with that or I'm going on strike.

Now speaking of hair, I made an awesome (you have to sing that out loud, awwwwSOOOOOOME like that) hair treatment last weekend. My hair feels super silky and strong and I am happy about that. Read all about that here. I really do love creating little weird concoctions for my hair or skin.

It makes me feel smart and fancy.

Still here?

Me too. Strangely enough.

Well barely. I got all into doing something else.

So tomorrow big exciting announcement, my perfume reviews now that I've worn both new ones a couple of times. Also, possible outfit photos if the weather is warm enough for me to wear the cute outfit I am pining for.

And I will totally remember to tell the story behind my sign out.

Homo Out.

PS..tomorrow is Half naked Thursday and I expect to see some pictures people.

Tuesday, May 06, 2008

Keeping it on the DL.

As promised yesterday I want to talk about racism on the down low. And I'm not talking about boys who like getting a little boy on boy action in secret. That I will discuss at another time.

Now as a person who lives in an area of the US that is not known for a lot of race issues, and who has been to places where the race issues are right there in your face I can come at this from several different ways. And I will cover a few so buckle up.

First let's discuss the institutionalized type of racism. I'm talking about racism from on high as it were. Racism from people in positions of authority.

Let's talk about the police.

I am not and haven't ever been a knee jerk cop hater. Matter of fact I've known some cops whom I've respected, loved and thought were good at their jobs. Those are not the cops I am talking about. An example from real life mmkay?

A few years ago I spent a day out shopping by myself in downtown Seattle. Feeling cute, all happy and I noticed a man following me all over downtown. Through Westlake Center (mall) into and out of several other shops and it made me uncomfortable and not happy. So, I walked up to a gaggle of police officers and explained quietly and on of the officers put his arm around my shoulders, said thanks for bringing lunch honey and scooted me around the big police van thing out of sight. The other cops, went after the guy.

Turns out, they had been getting complaints from women all weekend about this creepy man following them.

Happy ending, I was treated respectfully and asked if I wanted to be escorted to my bus stop, if I needed anything. The sort of thing I expect from those carrying the weight of the words, "To Serve And Protect".

Now another example.

For a long time five nights a week I walked home via the same route, at the same time. I would get off of the bus and head home. For weeks, several officers in m neighborhood would creep along some ways behind me, spot lighting me occasionally, never once saying a word. For weeks. Now as suspicious as a lone, 5'3" inch woman in an overcoat and carrying (at the time) a pretty business like soft sided briefcase type thing might be, I would think that loitering groups of littering, clearly intoxicated people might be worth more of their time.

Is that racism? I have to wonder.

Even when I was living in an area where it was 98% white (I was quite literally one of two black women in the immediate vicinity) I was only spot lighted (for those that don't know spot lighting is when the cop shine the big light on their car directly into your face) except for the time I was walking home and dropped my purse.

In some of my interactions with police it has been assumed that because I am black and happen to be in a place where shit may or may not have happened, I know something. Or worse I'v been stopped and asked where I am going. On the face of it these things don't sound so bad. Police doing police work. However at 31 years old I have come to loathe the tone.

It's the condescending, you must be doing something wrong tone I have heard from many police officers in and around Seattle. I have been in a car with someone while he was pulled over for driving while black. In a neighborhood with a posted 15 mile an hour speed limit we were trying to find an address after dark and were questioned for about half an hour. We weren't speeding, his tags were fine, his tail lights and headlights were in working condition, we were not impeding traffic, we were not creeping along the street. If you have never been spoken to this way you probably can't really imagine.

It's far worse when you know for goddamn sure that you have done absolutely nothing wrong.

More examples?

I was talking to a black man about my age on the bus the other day, he is well dressed usually not a person you'd look at and maybe think "oh nooo". About three weeks ago while he was waiting for a bus along a fairly industrial stretch of road he was issued a 300$ ticket for..wait for it... spitting on transit property. As in on the sidewalk.

I know the bus stop where this occurred, and it is not a high crime area. It is not a high crack zone. Now why is it I have seen police locally cruise right by men who are not black who are clearly stumbling drunk? Or pissing on things?

Ask yourself.

Now these are not things I've heard or read about in the paper. These are things I have experienced myself. I won't even get into class today.

What about other people? People one can reasonably look at as having some authority in the big bad world.

One thing that stands out in my memory was a student teacher I had. He had come into one of my classes, I had written a paper on my take on Prohibition. It got passed around and he read it an apparently liked it quite a bit.

However when we were introduced I saw the look. It's that look of "Oh yer black". He did have enough class not to actually articulate the thought but it was there. I've been hearing and seeing that reaction I know it on sight.

Yes, folks that counts as racism.


Okay let me break it down for you.

Racism does not have to involve action. Nor does it have to be a conscious thought to be a racist thought or opinion.

Nor does it matter in my view what your intention is. Haddayr (while you're there reading check out her fiction too).

This bit is very astute.

But my feelings were not at issue, here.

Exactly and thank you.

Many people all over the blog world have said this and I will repeat it again myself. Your feelings are not the issue at hand.

I look at it like this.

If I walk up to you and start calling you an asshole and you're offended and hurt and yes maybe a little pissed off, I don't think me getting butthurt because I might not have "meant it that way" is a good reason to tell you, that you can't be offended or pissed off that I said it.

I have seen this happen time and again and sometimes I believe it's inadvertent.

Most human beings when they feel picked on want to defend themselves. However, I do think people need to learn when defending yourself is clearly not the best tact.

As I have said before as well. To my people, I love you, your smart. When you get caught up using a word that someone tells you is really offensive, or hurts them. No they might not be polite, actually they might yell at you. However the answer is not to whine and point, "but I didn't mean it that way".

The best things to do pick one that suits you.

"Oh SHIT I am so sorry I didn't know that's what that meant."
"Really? I didn't know that I'm sorry."

See the theme?

Acknowledging another persons experience does not mean you're ceding your point, nor does it mean you're wrong and horrible, and it doesn't mean you lose the argument. What it shows the person you're speaking to is that you value what they have to say, and have enough class and brains to know maybe you done did something wrong.

Now back to racism and when it's devious and subtle.

Down low, devious insidious racism is way harder for me to deal with than in my face I know where I stand racism. As a person, it hurts my heart far more when I notice someone clutching their purse at my approach even though they've seen me nightly for two weeks.

It hurts me more to think I might've heard someone mutter nigger than someone saying it right to my face. Has this happened to me? Yes it has.

And it's infuriating because on one hand when you point these things out, some people will say yeah fuck that sucks. On the other hand it's easy to get branded as reactionary and crazy and people will either not listen to you or worse laugh and quite frankly I don't generally feel like dealing with that sort of shit.

I would much prefer having someone pointing at me and being forthright in their hate or whatever than not.

It's extraordinarily tiring to figure out if I am being followed in a store because I am black, or because I look like I don't belong etc. It's tiring. And don't tell me not to think about it because I can't not think about it.

I'm probably going all over the place. I'm very tired I didn't sleep well.

I also am still working on my AromaLeigh review. I'm going to do all the colors I bought so you have to wait.

Tomorrow, I have no idea.

Probably fat and um...somthing.

Homo Out.

Tags: ,


Monday, May 05, 2008

Noisy Fat Girl.

Before I start yammering I want to tell all my Seattle area homies to go see Miss Sarah K.L read next weekend. Get info here then go.

Also note to self get her banner up kthnks.

And as SharkFu posted today Mrs Loving passed away. That makes me really sad. And I can say that it really pisses me right the fuck off that I can't find the fucking news story on CNN. That reinforces my anger that the story of the Lovings wasn't something I was taught in school but had to find out for myself.

Okay now more stuff.

I finally saw Michael Moore's slightly histrionic film about insurance "Sicko". I tend to take Mr. Moore with a bit of a grain of salt. He's going for the jugular in his films, he wants to yank on those heartstrings and make you cry.

I did not cry.

Nor was I in the least bit shocked at anything in that film. There are many reasons for this so let's go through them.

1.) I was a sickly child in a poor but mostly making it home. Born premature, prone to ear infections, bronchitis, falls, ER visits. That means lots of expensive prescriptions, doctor visits etc. Thankfully nothing was ever life threatening and my parents had medical coverage.

2.) As an adult I spent quite a bit of time being very very poor and having no insurance and being sickly. Thus I had some medical bills that I still owe on ten years later and I went untreated a majority of the time.

3.) I know and have known people who were gravely and not so gravely ill with not enough medical coverage.

So bearing that in mind nothing I saw shocked me. It's nothing new in this country. There are few corners of American life where the prevailing sentiment no matter what the politicians say is, "Fuck you if you're poor nobody gives a shit."

I am all for universal medical coverage in spirit however, looking at how well our government does in other areas I am skeptical that our country could handle it at all from the end of those in charge.

Most of the people I know who are vehemently against universal health care come from affluent homes, have never been seriously ill and don't have children who are ill. I'll give you a for instance.

A friend of mine had a sister who was about 14 years his junior, when she was 8 she was diagnosed with cancer. Despite the medical coverage his parents had, they could not get her the help she desperately needed because the treatment her doctors recommended was "not available" and the cash amount for it was up over 300,000$. And if there was no clear payment she did not get treated. She got chemo, shitloads of drugs and died at age 10.

A different friend, nearly the same situation but his parents had that kind of money available. His sister is now almost 25 years old and healthy.

Am I shocked? No.

That is the reality of being an American Have or Have Not. The fact is that it doesn't really matter overmuch how much you weigh, how much you eat, how healthy of a lifestyle you live. It's about dollars. If you don't have the dollars you are pretty much fucked.

I have known many people who've lost their homes, livelihoods, have lost everything including their lives because of the mismanagement and greed of the health care industry at large. Does it piss me off? Hell yes.

Really at this point I would rather move to another country if I found out there was something seriously wrong with me than be treated here.

In a similarly histrionic vibe let's talk about SuperSize Me for a moment. Whenever something like that gets hyped so much I am generally quite slow to want to have anything to do with it.

Super Size Me was no exception. Frankly I thought the whole thing was stupid. If you work off of the assumption that all fat people are fat because they eat the way that man did all the time, you're probably the same kind of person who believes poor people are poor because they are lazy. If you believe in the demonization of the fast food industry as being the scapegoat for the health woes of this country, yeah. Really seriously man?

All that aside the reality is that yes, not eating a crapload of fast food and other processed foods is good for you. Orly? Woooooooooowwwwwwwww I had no idea. /sarcasm.

I was unimpressed and really kind of grossed out.

I am no huge fan of fast food. I know right? HOLY SHIT A FAT PERSON DOESN'T LIKE FAST FOOD OH GOD.

I don't. If I want a burger I want quality beef, cooked to order preferably with melted blue cheese and bacon on it. If I want french fries I prefer them to be made from a substance that was discernibly a potato once. I will say occasionally, I do like greasy crappy food but not a lot and I pay the price because my body doesn't like it.

Also people who do eat like that I would guess are the exception rather than the rule. Who the fuck can afford that?

Now via the Fatosphere from a post by Equality on the plains apparently there is a rebuttal for Super Size Me called FatHead . I watched the trailer and it looks decent.

However, I am leery that some will turn it into yet another "just an excuse for teh fatties" thing and I am not into it at all.

Honestly, I think that people are probably smart enough to be presented with facts and make up their minds without the theatrics and weird stunts. I consider the insane Fast Food menus to be weird stunts.

I think at some level we all know that no matter what you're studying, the facts can be skewed to say what you want them to say.

An example I am pulling out of my ass:

60% of African Americans think that poop is a disgusting nasty word.


40% of White people believe that poop is a fantastic and wonderful word.

Same information presented two different ways right? So if you're talking to people who want to believe that poop is a disgusting nasty word which form of data would you present?

And while I'm on a roll here I want to talk about privilege again.

If you don't believe that a certain privilege exists whether it's thin privilege, white privilege whatever. People watch for awhile.

An experiment.

I will assume here everyone knows someone who isn't the same ethnicity they are. Ask them if they have ever been uncomfortable in a situation the moment people laid eyes on them. Or if you don't want to do that sit down and really think about this, you don't have to tell anyone what you come up with but yourself.

Have you ever walked into say a convince store, all you really want is a candy bar, a bottle of milk and a magazine or something. The minute you walk in you can feel eyes on your neck, the second you pick up your candybar the person behind the counter moves to keep you in their line of sight. Let's say you go into this place all the time, have never stolen anything, have never been rude or weird.

Let's say you get all your stuff and get in line behind another person. The person in front of you pays with a twenty and goes on about their business. Your turn comes and the person behind the counter stares at your pockets, or your purse. Then when you hand over the twenty dollar bill, it gets examined, you get stared at again, maybe they call someone from the back to look at your bill.

How would you feel? How would it feel to know that the sole reason for this treatment is the way you look?

Think very very hard about it then tell me privilege doesn't exist.

The sad fact is there's not a lot you can do about it aside from acknowledge it and then, here comes the hard part, understand that someone who gets that treatment in places you don't, is having a wholly different experience than yours. Listen to people when they talk about it, don't assume that if your experience being thin/black/white/fat/trans etc is all sunshine and glitter, that it must be that way for everyone.

Now to look at it from the flipside, my minority homies you have a responsibility in this conversation too. The fact is that the person you're speaking to will probably absolutely not get it. That is just the truth. They might empathize, they might question, they might sympathize but the fact is that person is not going to completely understand and that's ok.

Don't expect that person to understand fully it's unfair. Also unfair is to carry your own prejudices and anger into situations that don't warrant it. Not all of "them" (whomever they may be) are the enemy so to speak. And if you treat everyone you encounter like an enemy, you'll probably get that reflected right back in your face. It's a vicious cycle of suck. So just don't do it.


Of course.

In the US there is the oft repeated stereotype that Asian people of whatever descent don't like and hate black people. I have heard it all over, listened just the other day to a black man at the bus stop ranting about the Asians in the neighborhood.

I have seen this particular man around quite a bit and he is almost always combative, hateful and speaks disrespectfully to people. He carries that, he wears his disrespect for everyone like a badge on his shirt that says fuck you.

So the other day he was ranting all about how rude the Asian (for the record they are Japanese) people who own a new little smoke shop in the neighborhood had been to him. He went on and on about how "they" are taking over "his" country and he can't get welfare because of "them" yadda yadda.

When he turned to me I shrugged and told him that they are always very nice to me, have gone out of their way to order a few things they didn't carry just because I asked. And not like huge orders, things specifically for me. How they always slip something free into my bag even when I buy just a pack of smokes or whatever.


The answer is actually quite simple and has worked for me pretty much where ever I go. I don't act like an asshole as soon as I step in the door. I don't give people fuck you looks for no reason. I don't walk around being a dick so in turn people tend to be pretty nice to me.

Even stores I'd heard were notorious for "hating black shoppers" I have often had no issues.

That isn't to say I've not been followed in stores, harassed etc. But it's the exception rather than the rule.

My point here is if you're giving the finger, someone is likely to give it right back to you.

It goes both ways.

Okay I'm done. Maybe tomorrow I'll talk about racism on the downlow and why I'd prefer it right in my face.

Now I'm going to eat my tasty noodly beefy soup.

Homo Out.

Friday, May 02, 2008

On Beauty

I want to talk about beauty today.

I have been interested in beauty, cosmetics, make up, photography and my wacky ideas about beauty since I was a very little girl. And let me say this before anyone starts throwing gendered hooha at me, I am fairly positive that had I been a wee boy I'd still be into these things.

I remember being four or five years old and my Mom was a hair/look model for a Joico salon. I remember going to the salon with her on weekends when it was closed and her stylist Ramone (Ramon was not that poor mans name but, I renamed people as I saw fit as a child and I decided he was a Ramone.) Ramone would set me up my own station, full lights and with his personal make up kit, give me a hand full of disposable brushes some magazines and let me go.

I never once made a mess of his make up. What I did was flip through fashion magazines until I saw a look I liked then I would painstakingly recreate it on my wee face. I probably had about a 50% success rate. I watched Solid Gold and copied the high sparkle looks. I was looked after by drag queens sometimes who let me play dress up in their closets and put make up on them.

Okay slight digression here but I believe I've discussed my childhood love of the lead dancer from Solid Gold. Thanks to Wikipedia I have learned her name and here's a picture:



The minute I saw her picture I was immediately flooded with my childhood love of Ms. Tall Dark and Fabulous Darcel Wynn. And here is a photo gallery. The hair, the legs, the skin, the cheekbones and goddamn it she could dance.

Okay sorry. Back to beauty.

So right even as a wee tiny kid I still had my OH SHINY love of all things, yes shiny.

My ideas about beauty have been since way back when very wide open and not entirely linear. I never absorbed the "you must be this to be beautiful" type message that's out there so much. I don't really have an explanation for that.

Even then I remember thinking people like Grace Jones were SO amazingly beautiful. I thought my best friend Marie's Mom was amazingly beautiful because she had this astonishingly lovely pelt of sable pubic hair that I'd seen while her husband was painting a portrait of her. I remember that particular afternoon with serious love. Marie and I sat kid of behind and to the side of her Dad at his easel, her Mom was naked and sitting on a stool. I had never actually seen someone make art so it was all very important to me.

I also thought that this biker we met at the laundry mat was beautiful. Yes he was big and kind of greasy, yes his beard looked like it might've housed small vermin but he had the most awesome smile. Big and kind of snaggletoothed, and I was in love.

I find glory and beauty in so many people and things, it's just not even funny.

Moving onto the personal, as in my own person.

I know on first appearances some days I look like a drag queen blew up on my face. I know and that's ok.

The whole reason I am so into cosmetics, hair care and other similar sparkly pursuits is that they make me feel good. I could quite frankly give less than two shits if someone else likes or approves. I like making myself feel good.

I like feeling fancy.

Feeling fancy to me is when I get in the tub and discover I have another scoop of that tasty smelling sugar scrub I like. Or when I find another make up company that offers sample sized things. Wearing hand made anything makes me feel fancy and special.

And fuck you but I like feeling fancy and special.

Maybe it's because I grew up pretty poor, or because I've spent the vast majority of my adult life on the bottom edge of the working poor but goddamn it, those little moments of feeling fancy and special make up for a whole lot of bullshit.

And I don't care if other people think it's silly.

I don't care if anyone else thinks maybe I should work on not being fat rather than being fabulous every mother fucking day.

I. Don't. Care.

In other beauty news.

I probably mentioned earlier in the week or last week that I picked up a foundation brush. It's the foundation brush from Eco Tools as seen here. Overall a nice little brush. Decent weight, good fiber density and a very good bargain.

So I mixed my Oil of Olay moisturizer with SPF (YES black women need SPF too) with some liquid foundation I had. I think it was uh...I don't remember. Anyway I've been applying this mix with the brush after putting on my rice powder primer, then I do a good sweep of my CG pressed powder, and top it off with my Fyrinnae oil control powder and wow.

I was a little skeptical about this technique because of how amazingly oily my skin is. Also after I finish applying my skin looks wet and dewy which I'm not accustomed to but it looks fucking fantastic. Several people commented on the fabulousness of my skin.

I also have the EcoTools eyeliner brush and really like it. It's about the perfect size and I actually like it more than the same brush from Smashbox.

And okay so I have to redo my AromaLeigh looks because the pictures sucked but I will tell you, I. Love. This. Stuff.

I tried one of the freebie samples a color called Old Gold and it is so shimmery and gorgeous. Like a lot of gold shades it shows up very bright and green on my brown skin and it's fabulous.


So look for my full review (after I've tried some more colors) hopefully this weekend.

And in conclusion my fabulous darlings a picture of my favorite recent make up look. All shades of Purple Mac Pigments, (click the photo to go to my Flickr for the details)

That look totally made me want to touch myself in an inappropriate way.

Purple eyes.

Happy Friday.

Homo Out.

(PS...I'll probably make a post at some point this weekend explaining my sign off there, it's a cute very gay story)


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