Wednesday, May 07, 2008

Good times man good times.

I don't feel like being uber serious today so I am going to talk about beauty, knitting, possibly my boobs and um...whatever.

But first go read this post over at Racialicious about the assumptions people make when you date interracially. Being that I have dated all sorts of differently pigmented peoples, I do have lots to say about it just not today. Go read that, digest, then come back and see what crazy I pour forth.

Okay so let's talk about knitting. I tried to learn how to knit from a kit I got at Walmart probably five years ago now and it ended with me in tears, throwing the needles yarn and the book across the room and I believe Uniballer may have thrown it away to keep me from hollering about it more.

However I have this horrible lust to learn how to knit. So I might pick myself up a copy of Knitting for Dummies (hey the for Dummies taught me my html basics back in the day and when it comes to knitting I am in fact, a dummy)and trying to learn again. Mainly because I have these lovely genteel fantasies of knitting away while on the bus, making myself some socks while listening to Slayer on my headphones.

Sweet innit?

And okay onto fat.

I've been using my health insurance companies website to try and find a new doctor. I've been clicking around and it has a handy dandy "Ideal Weight Calculator". This works so fantastic. All it asks is your height and sex. Not your age, ability, etc. According to it I should at 5'3" weigh 126 pounds.

And since I have a vague idea of how much I weigh, it says my BMI is=death by obesity. This is me for reference. However, if you go by my waist to hip ratio they say:

Your shape puts you at reduced risk of coronary heart disease, diabetes and stroke. Frequently referred to as pear shape, you tend to keep fat off your midsection and more on your hips. Our bodies do not convert this lower body fat as readily as midsection fat, which keeps cholesterol down.


So by their calculations I am going to die of the fat, but my pear shape saves me from heart disease, diabetes or stroke. But wait, wait. Isn't my fat going to make me die of diabetes, stroke, and heart diseased? Are you chasing your tail yet?

Now according to them the optimal way for me to lose all these killing pounds would be to run at 12 MPH, for 116 minutes to lose 1 pound.

Now if I were to do that, I would be in so much pain my weight would become a moot point. Now this "personalized" profile knows that I have joint problems, a bad back etc. And it tells me to run.

They also say I need to lose weight NOW, my nutrition sucks, and I am depressed and stressed out but my wellness score is....96% out of 100.

How fucking stupid.

It says I need to:

* You need to start a weight-loss program.
* You need to quit smoking.
* Get your blood pressure tested.
* Buckle up.
* Get your cholesterol checked.
* Add more fiber to your diet.

So I'm too fat, even though I'm pretty fucking healthy I'm fat and OH NO, I don't buckle up.

The "assessment" assumes you drive which I don't. I ride in cars maybe twice a year. If that often. The fiber issue was based on white breads and pasta which I don't eat a lot of.

Yes smoking is bad I know that. But come on now.

So I messed around with their meal planner and I cannot afford that shit. If I could afford to eat salmon every other day and buy bulk flax seeds and shit I fucking would.

I wouldn't be so annoyed if it wasn't all over the site that it's "personalized recommendations just for YOU" type shit. It's not. I know how it works but it's fucking misleading. And I know a crapton of people who would read stuff like that and flip their fucking wigs.

Moving on that shit was irritating. But I feel better after soup and vitamins and tea.

So my boobs. My boobs OH EM EFF GEE my fucking boobs.

I need new bras in a real bad kind of way.

Somehow the UK has found out I have big tits and I am on the mailing list for Bravissimo Bras. specially made for us big titty having types.

Have a looksy there and look at their varied models. Now no none of them are fat and a lot of the bras only go up to band size 40 if you're lucky but, it's a huge step up from air brushed weirdness that is most lingerie catalogs.

Now this has freaked me out for years and yes, it's a little weird but I seriously get creeped out by the airbrushed out nipples, pudenda and pubes in Frederick's of Hollywood Catalogs. I don't know if they are trying to get past some weird mail obscenity laws or what but it's fucking creepy. I have nipples, not big nipples but my nipples have a presence, and I would like to see just how sheer a bra might be when paired with, some dark nipples is that too much to ask?

Or come on now.

It is weird.

So anyway I think I am going to save up the loot and try to find someone in the UK to receive the package for me because I love their bras. And after a measurement I am in fact a 38 D rather than a 40 DD as I had thought.

I am excited about that. Also they say boobs a lot in their catalog and website copy and how could I not love anywhere that says boobs?

OH wait one more thing. I have an insane hard on for this model right here. All because she looks almost exactly like this girl we'll call Miss Too Hot that I tried my damndest to get into her pants back in the day. Despite the fact that she was at the time 35 and I was 19. Also despite the fact that her wife could bench press me then break me in half. Actually I was angling for a threeway because I thought she was hot too.

Tru fax man.

So if you want to buy me fancy lingerie feel free. I am very partial to black, microfiber, not a lot of lacy bits (I HATE my titties being itchy), plunge, full coverage and/or the occasional balconette bra. I like my D cups all up like WHOA.

Skip the panties though because I hate my junk being contained. Yes, that means I don't really like wearing panties because I invariably either have a wedgie of doom, my labia get irritated or I lose chunks of pubic hair and I am not down with that.

Cause seriously, 60 goddamn dollars for a bra. I know it's worth it but I better get a blow job to go along with that or I'm going on strike.

Now speaking of hair, I made an awesome (you have to sing that out loud, awwwwSOOOOOOME like that) hair treatment last weekend. My hair feels super silky and strong and I am happy about that. Read all about that here. I really do love creating little weird concoctions for my hair or skin.

It makes me feel smart and fancy.

Still here?

Me too. Strangely enough.

Well barely. I got all into doing something else.

So tomorrow big exciting announcement, my perfume reviews now that I've worn both new ones a couple of times. Also, possible outfit photos if the weather is warm enough for me to wear the cute outfit I am pining for.

And I will totally remember to tell the story behind my sign out.

Homo Out.

PS..tomorrow is Half naked Thursday and I expect to see some pictures people.

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