Ladies, ladies ladies. Not all of you, I love a lot of you but you that said this:
"Yeah, it's objectifying and all, but you know, if I walked down the street and didn't have men looking me up and down and catcalling, I'd think, 'Boy, I must really be getting old and dumpy,' " she said.
Ready my friends?
First of all, I find it to be a sad and disturbing thing that someone needs strange dudes to validate their youth and non-dumpiness. Bonus points for equating old and dumpy. And super extra bonus points for making old and dumpy seem like yanno the be all end all of TEH EBUL!
I don't even want to get further into that. You my fantastic readers are smart. I can almost hear the chorus of "what the shit" even now.
I will however discuss the absurdities I've faced and witnessed at the hands of men and boys who indulge themselves in catcalling.
But first a foray into my own love of you got it, cockcalling. You read that right. I have a distinct and sadistic love of making men who behave like jack asses squirm. There are many reasons including, I'm mean and well I'm mean. I look young. I also look sweet and unless you know me, you might be shocked at what comes out of my mouth sometimes.
We all know by now(if you've read me for any amount of time) that I curse enough to make a sailor blush and purse his lips.
So since I was probably 14 or so I have been known to say gross and objectifying things to random men. Usually not unprovoked, usually in response to whatever gross objectifying thing they just said. Mainly because I can.
My response to catcalling, oh my darlings it's fun. I will say some of the foulest most disgusting things with a sweet smile and a straight face. I know I've talked about it before but here are some of my favorites.
And remember, always bonus points for the dead pan stare and monotone, 2 points for the raised eyebrow and speaking in that horrible slow tone that says you're fucking stupid, and super extra bonus points if you make a scene and/or make said males friends laugh at him.
Picture this, I am walking as fast as my wee legs will carry me down the sidewalk towards Bartells because I am having an allergy emergency. My eyes are burning, I'm positive my expression is less than "Oh HAI DOOD" and I see a silver car swerve into the parking lot in front of me. I keep walking. Boy in car turns down his music a little and yells, "HEY BABYGIRL YOU WANT A RIDE?"
Now from the looks of him I'm probably at least a few years older than him, and really fucking annoyed. I stop dead in my tracks and turn slowly, while removing my sunglasses. He smiles and I scowl. And say loudly:
"Do I LOOK like I want a fucking ride? Are you trying to make me late for fucking work? If I miss my fucking bus because of your stupid ass I am going to key your fucking car."
Boy..*blink* he proceeds to ask me why I gotta be like that, and he was just trying to be nice. I ask him in my best monotone you're a dickhead and a moron voice, "didn't your mother ever tell you not to get into cars with strangers?" And then my very favorite:
"DO I look like I'm fucking hooking you fuck?"
He drives off, I make it into Bartells snickering and find allergy medication.
Men who catcall rarely if ever expect to be greeted by rudeness or crudity. And I take full advantage of that fact. I give the finger, I will call names. Some of my other favorite come backs include:
*insert catcall here* Guy turns to buddy and says, "Must be a dyke" I will turn and look the guy up and down say: "I am now". Smart guys catch it, the dumb ones don't.
Other favorite, guy says something. Give him a slow very slow once over all the while shaking your head slightly and muttering no under your breath.
Another favorite is the not a word blank unblinking stare. People will think you're crazy. And most people don't fuck with you if you're crazy.
My other point here is that (again, I say this all the time) if you act like an asshole don't expect a blowjob and cookies.
Furthermore, if you are a man and you expect "ladylike" behavior don't be pissed off if you don't get it.
Switching gears what is okay?
Boys you know I love you, I love the cock we know this. And because of that love I will give you some pointers when approaching a lady for what you hope is a conversation that might lead to eventual sex.
Let's say you see said pretty lady walking and she's not exactly hurrying but not walking slowly. Do not step into her path and get in her face. From a polite and respectful but within earshot and say, "Excuse me Miss Lady?" If she wants to talk to you she will acknowledge that you spoke to her. If not she will probably look at you and look away. Or shake her head or something pay attention.
If she does pause to talk to you because you're looking fly, stand not too close to her and for the love of fluffy bunnies do not touch her. Say something like,
"I'm sorry I stopped you, but I think you are beautiful."
Then shut the hell up.
If the beautiful lady is interested she will probably let you know. If she says thanks and walks away let it go.
Let's say you're in the coffee shop and you see, BAM hot lovely lady. You can say about the same thing. The theme here is boys, don't be gross. Don't be lewd unless the venue calls for it. Never say things like this (I shit you not people these are things men have said to me)
In the porn store with a friend we were buying gay porn (mmm porn) and this guy taps me on the shoulder and points to the rack of the magazine "Black Tail" and asks if I was the centerfold the previous month. At first I just shook my head and went back to my porno perusing, and had he let it go everything would have been fine. However he bugged me for twenty goddamn minutes and completely ruined my porn buying evening.
Sadly the only means of escape other than leaving which we didn't feel like doing was me sweet talking a stripper into free drink and admission coupons to the strip club upstairs. My gay was at first kind of horrified cause OMFG PUSSY, but he had fun anyway because OH HAY BOOBIES.
Another time while I was waiting for a hot butch to get off of work and take me out, I was chilling outside Westlake mall downtown, drinking some coffee and reading when this guy walks up to my table and announces his intention to do something or other with me. I decline, tell him I'm waiting for someone.
Everything would have been fine if he hadn't said, "don't tell me you're a lesbo."
And yeah, my reaction was not nice nor was it pretty. I said very loudly yes I AM a lesbian and my wife would not appreciate you speaking to me like that. Yes I was LOUD.
Then hot butchness walked up and he mistook her for a dude, said something about fuckin dykes. And she said, "Why yes I am going to fuck that dyke." We laughed, he walked away sort of drooping.
Boys, even if you have super fantastic game there are do's and don'ts to work off of. Don't touch women you don't know. Don't get in the face of a woman you don't know.
Do be goofy, be funny, be silly be hot and smooth if you wanna but just don't be a fucking douchebag. Else you may one day face the verbal wrath of a woman like me and you really don't want that do you know.
You get my point.
I have fat related stuff to talk about, shocking I know but I don't feel like it right this minute.
So go over and check out my last outfit post at Flickr. No make up and cranky for the win.
I'll probably upload some pictures of my fantastic make up later on as well.
And yeah another post later it's a brewing.