Monday, June 09, 2008

Considering the body.

Fashionablenerd (who's moniker I fucking love) made a post about dealing with bad body days. See that here.

I have bad body days. Yes I do.

Generally speaking I know exactly how they start and often how they end.

Get up, and I'm probably still feeling ok. But then maybe my pants are fitting as I like them, I might be puffy and constipated. I might have a mystery rash on my boob. Whatever it is it gets in my head. The worst is when I wake up feeling like someone has set selective joints on fire with napalm.

My usual reactions go from irritation, to OMFGWTFBBQ!!111!!!!!, to "OH MOTHERFUCKER" and so on. I get pissed off. Occasionally I get a little weepy.

The worst for me though is the days when I can't shake it off and start brooding.

Unfortunately I have no real answers about dealing with those days. Some days I dig in and go through it. Other days I force myself to face whatever distortion I'm spouting to myself and take it apart.

I started this yesterday but got distracted.

I was thinking more about the source of my self esteem and body image.

I think I didn't really get a good handle on my body image until I was 22-23 or so. And it came from the very sudden thunderclap realization that it is my body.

Yes my darlings, body autonomy set me free.

I remember it very clearly for the most part. Some people were making fun of my glittery silly clothes and big ole thighs out on display, at first I remember my feelings were so hurt. And then like a light bulb it occured to me that on further examination I didn't really care that much.

I had reacted out of habit. Because that's the expectation. And I fulfilled it. But really, was some random asshole telling me to cover up my fat legs going to really change anything about my life?

Holy fuckballs no.

NO.

NO. FUCK NO. NO.

Matter of fact, over the weeks following I discovered much to my own joy that not only did I not care about the random asshole that thought I was too fat/ugly/weird/whatever I felt joyful in that discovery.

Now years later, when someone doesn't like the goth, or the fat, or the cleavage, or the hoochie wear or whatever I can smile. However if you look in my eyes there's a big ole middle finger in there. I highly suggest you try that.

The next time someone gives you a back handed compliment, asks if that is what you're wearing, give them a big ole smile. But in your head picture one big middle finger, held up with pride. They'll see it in your eyes. Unless they are stupid in which case they will just be confused.

This is also my attitude towards body modification, sexuality, all the strange and complicated bits that make me who I am.

I know it's not easy. Sometimes it feels really good to get that outside validation of your awesomeness. But believe me, it's not necessary for survival or even loving yourself and your life.

What if nobody ever again told you they liked your hair or your outfit? Would the world really end?

Deep down, if you are digging yourself would that come to a screeching halt if other people don't dig it?

Probably not my darling.

I firmly once you embrace it and let it go, you will feel so much better. There's something really beautiful about heaving off what everybody else wants or expects and getting down to what you want and need from yourself.

Okay I am really tired so some links of awesome then the foto of the day.

Go read about ABW taking part in an AWESOME (yes caps, I have to yell) thing called The Clarion West Write A thon. Great cause. Beautiful thing I will be contributing a little bit.

Go read WellRoundedMama about some of the shenanigans doctors are pulling on fat pregnant women. What the FUCK is wrong with people?

Kate Harding has an open thread about a movie called uh..Kung Fu Panda. I have nothing to say about that at this point. I hadn't even heard about it until it hit Body Impolitic, and being that I haven't actually seen the film I won't make judgment calls on it.

Violet Blue has an awesome podcast up on Erotic Adventures for couples. I really enjoy her podcasts and writing.

Monk
has a tasty post up today about doing rope bondage with pregnant ladies. Some useful info if you're having a baby and want to get tied up. Maybe tomorrow I'll talk some about bondage.

Margaret Cho talks about the True Colors tour today. Aweeeeeeeeeeeeesome (yes I totally sang that outloud).

Okay I think I'm spent.

And I totally love you guys too. *You know who you are*

Oh I almost forgot I promised a photo.

From this morning right before work, hell I'll post 2.

gointothelight

lookingatya

A note. My make up is super hot today and you can't see it too clearly. MAC Golden Yellow pigment shows up a very true glittery BLINGING gold on me and I am in love. Often gold shadow turns green or dull on me.

And the lipgloss looked like a hot mess in other light so I changed it to a random sinful colors one I pulled from the depths of the TARDIS.

Okay that's totally all.

Homo Out.
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3 comments:

Sniper said...

Damn. I wish I'd had 1/10 your confidence at your age - and the pictures are fantastic.

FashionableNerd said...

Thanks for the linky (and the compliment!)I totally understand the reacting out of habit. I had to break myself of that habit, so whenever someone would insult me, I'd smile. And it was hard, cause I have a filthy mouth. But it worked. Eventually. :)
Also, I'm a makeup junkie myself *stares at box of Urban Decay goodies that came in mail today*...yeah. That eyeshadow is HAWT!

mnwhr said...

I love the way you handle your bad body days, I think there is a lesson for all of us in there

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