Thursday, July 31, 2008

Just for Pepsi Blue.

Since you care so much about my health I think I should correct a few of your assumptions.

First, my current pain issues.

To understand where I am coming from we have to go back let's say three generations in my family. Being that I take very heavily after the maternal side of my family we'll go there.

My Mother who is tall and up until her thirties was actually quite underweight, enough so that when she tried to give blood despite her having a rare and sought after blood type was not able to because of her weight, has had knee problems since childhood. Also ankle problems, back problems.

My Grandmother, who is very tall (almost 6') and for most of her life until menopause was just barely not underweight, has knee, back and hip problems and has since childhood.

My Great Grandmother who was a shade taller than I am, less busty but about the same size as I am. Had knee problems and arthritis for a good portion of her life.

Also, I am not built like either my Mother or Grandmother. I am significantly shorter, broader at shoulder and hip, way bigger busted. I am built more like my Great Grandmothers sisters, and her Father's side of the family.

Unlike many Black families hypertension and diabetes are quite rare in my family. Generally speaking many people in my family regardless of weight are prone to joint problems, anemia, and other generally life long ailments.

I personally have had health problems since I was an underweight, wee tot. Yes Pepsi, believe it or not my health problems started long before I got fat. Shocking isn't it?

I was born very premature and did not grow properly, I had serious inner ear problems, and worst of all I am now and always have been clumsy.

What started my joint issues is that at 16 or so, at a rotund weight of about 125 pounds (for reference here, I am now 31 I am 5'3")I had my first serious knee injury. I believe that time it was a combo of cheer leading and running that led to me injuring already weak knees.

I was not fat.

When add together a genetic disposition to weak joints and back problems, with a teenager who didn't know better, and age. At 31 you could be in pain. At 31 I am in pain. And to spare the tender feelings of whomever that was, I won't even curse.


At 19 years old and while I was a strict vegan who worked out 3-4 hours daily in order to maintain an unrealistic weight, I reinjured both of my knees. And was told by my rheumetologist at the time that I was probably going to need daily anti-inflammatories.

Moving along.

I injured my back not due to weight but, due to clumsiness. I slipped and fell on black ice and pinched a nerve in my neck, bruised my tailbone, pulled several muscles and generally screwed myself up pretty badly.

Like many people fat and thin, these injuries have not helped me out in any way.


Where you inferred that I don't exercise at all from me saying I hate doing yoga I don't know. I actually exercise I just don't do yoga. I walk about 6 miles just in my day to day getting to work, walking at work, walking home. It would be preferable to me if I could belly dance more, or actually enjoyed doing yoga. I would also be really happy to be able to workout a bit more however, as my actual doctor (not the nurse practitioner) has advised me, doing what I would like to would probably cause me more harm than good.

Again, not related to being fat.

Also not related to fat I have terrible eye sight. Not related to fat, I have a messed up equilibrium thanks to very severe inner ear infections as a child.

Now if we are to talk "obesity related ailments" I suffer from none of the following:

  1. Hypertension. My last BP check was mid-range normal but a little high for me personally due to my BP generally being a little low. Thankfully it doesn't crash anymore thus I don't faint.
  2. Diabetes. I get checked regularly and due to my partner being borderline diabetic I have on occasion randomly tested my blood and my blood sugar levels both fasting and after eating are well within healthy range.
  3. Liver. Liver is very healthy. No elevated enzyme levels. No sign of problems with that. This is something I keep a close eye on with my doctors because I take a lot of NSAID type drugs.
  4. High Cholesterol. Nope.
  5. Sleep apnea and respiratory problems. I have not had bronchial problems, pneumonia, asthma since I was about 10 and I was not fat then. I don't have sleep apnea.
I'm sure you're brilliant and get my point.

I can't speak for all experience when it comes to being fat only my own.

So when I say that my issues right now have nothing to do with being fat. They have nothing to do with being fat.

I had the majority of the same health problems when I was underweight, I had them when I was a normal weight, and have them now. Being thinner did not make me better, healthier or happier.

What are some direct effects of me being fat?

The biggest one is that I have regular periods. I menstruate on a pretty regular 27 day cycle which for me, is a miracle. Up until I stopped yo-yoing and hit my natural set point, I did no menstruate regularly at all. For a quickie very good explanation of set point have a look at the National Eating Disorder information center answer here.

Also, I suffer fewer migraines. When I was trying to maintain a "thin" "healthy" weight, because of the restriction of calories I had near constant low blood sugar and suffered some horrific migraines. That was not great.

When I stopped trying to fit a standardized mold that clearly did not and does not apply to me directly, as in I stopped dieting and fighting my body I also stopped losing my hair, I stopped being so depressed, my self esteem increased.

In short Pepsi, Fat Acceptance has nothing to do with my health problems. Being fat, not so much. Even though you didn't ask, I'll tell you.

My diet is pretty good. Granted I have a terrible sweet tooth and drink way more coffee than my doctor would like. I'm doing all right.

My current state of anger and frustration doesn't stem from being fat. It stems from feeling helpless, it comes from the knowledge that while no I'm not disabled, I am not as able as I would like to be. It comes from being 31 years old and feeling feeble. It comes from not finding relief or help from the medical professionals I am supposed to trust with my life.

It comes from, people like you who use pseudo concern as a front to be insulting.

It comes from being unable to manage my own health in a satisfactory way because, I have medical needs I can't fulfill myself.

Still with me?

I will say that there is a possibility if I gain weight, I will have lots more problems. I don't dispute that and I recognize that. I acknowledge that whomever you are, you might just be spouting off because that's what you do there. I acknowledge that whomever you are, you might have been a perfectly thin, healthy wunderkind who has never been sick, fallen down, injured themselves, or faced a significant health challenge.

That's fine.

This brings me to the heart of why I believe FA is absolutely necessary.

There is no reason in this day and age that anyone should still believe that you can know a persons health, morality, level of education, sexual preference etc just from looking at them. Fat people, thin people, in between people are all what? People.

Fat Acceptance is not about denials about being fat, it's about not having to deal with being treated as lesser than because you have a different body.

That is why Fat Acceptance is important to me. I deeply believe that humans are humans are humans. That's it.

Now being that I usually only get incoming links when someone quotes me there directly (and thank you for not doing that stupid comparison to Biggie Smalls. He and I look nothing alike. Wrong skin tone, I am not a man, etc) I have my doubts you'll see this. However if you do I hope you get it.

For anyone else. Maybe you needed to see it. There'll be more at some point I'm sure however, I am done being the Educating Fat Negress today.


Funny story.

Well not haha funny but in light of what I said about twelve hours ago here you may see the grim humour.

So I finally speak to a human at the doctor of my choice's office. An actual medical type person. I explain what I am having trouble with and what I would like to do.

Here's the convo in a nutshell:

Me: Back pain, knee pain, neck pain stemming from backpain. Digestive problems. Can't sleep, feel crazy and mean, hate everything.

Nurse Practitioner: Well maybe you should try doing some yoga.


NP: We don't have any appointments available for a few weeks. Why don't you start a new exercise program that has some gentle yoga, change your diet and you'll feel better.


NP: *Heaves put upon sigh* We'll call you when an appointment opens up.

Mind you this is while I am walking to work, and feeling my back start to tighten up in preparation for fucking war.

Me:.......(deadpan)great. Thank you.

After I hung up I seriously said out loud into the ether- I Do not want to do any fucking yoga.

A lady standing near me said, "Amen sister".

So I am 90% sure I am finding a new doctor. Which is going to prolong finding relief or help but seriously? I have told the NP more than once I don't fucking like doing yoga for many reasons including my DD boobs and general dislike. I cannot be all relaxing and going OMMMMMMM while I am seething with Hate. Can't do it.

Also, since when is it okay to tell a patient who's complaining of back and joint pain to exercise more sight unseen? They know that I am not one to generally show how much pain I am in. If I actually say out loud that something hurts, than it really fucking hurts a lot. So yeah they can fuck off.

Now with the way my insurance works I will be very lucky if I can find a doctor who looks like someone I can get along with, who will not be a fucking douchebag and is accessible to me, I'm looking at Early Sept. I can deal.

But for FUCK sake man. I don't want to do any fucking yoga, I absolutely don't believe I need to exercise more rigorously right now. So fuck off. NO really fuck off.

However, I can look at the situation and do my little head shake and bitter laugh.

Thank you again for your well wishes it means a lot.

Especially because when I have a serious problem I tend to clam up entirely and maybe one other human being might know that I am unwell. I am working on that.

Okay as I said yesterday all this relates to beauty.

For me, when I am feeling so crappy in general my love of all things beauty related is what saves me from becoming a raging psychopath.

This stems from the fact that I like doing things that make me feel good. That I enjoy. Thus, taking an extra half an hour in the morning to do crazy make up, or exfoliating myself to velvety smoothness makes all of this easier to deal with.

So in light of that how about some beauty?

I am SO excited for the Mac Cult of Cherry collection (see the color story and product photos over at Temptalia), I haven't been this excited about a release in quite a long time.

Now the question is will I have the $$ to get myself a few things. I am really hoping so.

Bloody hell man. Ever run across things on the great big internets that make you just skid to a halt and go, wait wut? WUT D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D: DEAR GOD NO.

Sorry intermission for coffee.

So yeah. Holy fucking wow.

Also Tully's coffee is not made of win. I've been going to a place called uh..Red Express or something. It's a little drive up/walk up place operated by hot girls. And their coffee is motherfucking delicious.

Okay wait what was I saying?

OH beauty right.


In other news.

I'm also looking at travel right now and does it make me weird that I don't want to cruise Orbitz because William Shatner isn't their spokesman anymore?

Something funny. If you look at the more than 100 some odd blogs I subscribe to my trends are easy to follow, Fatties, The Gays, Kinky People and beauty blogs. Since most of you don't know me all that well I actually think that says it all right there.

I'm running out of steam.

Should we do an Ask Shannon anything you damn well please? Not exactly a formal FAQ but since we all don't know each other so well feel free to ask me anything that pops in your head. I won't be mean unless you say something racist. Anything else is fair game.

OH and wait. check me out. This past weekend I got my nerd on and organized and cleaned out my make up like WHOA. I threw out about two plastic grocery bags worth of stuff that isn't good anymore and that I don't use. Then, I did a spreadsheet you can see here. I add things as I find them.

And then I started a spreadsheet of things I want to try out. See that here. This is a highly unusual thing for me but it was totally fun.

I will probably redo the first spreadsheet to look more like my wishlist.

I'm still trying to figure out how to use my Fuji digicam to make some videos. I really want to do some beauty videos because of people like Scandalous Beauty, Enkore, Twixtbetwixt and many others. My youtube subscription is very telling like my blog list. Lots of make up, some gayness, some kink and insanely random music.

And someone bought something (I don't know what) from my Amazon Store. THANK YOU. You whomever you are, you are awesome. Please drop me a line and let me know what you got and how you like it okay? Today I am going to spend some time expanding the book section and this weekend more sex toys and porn. Did you know you could buy porn from Amazon? No really you can and it's awesome.

They have some stuff from the late 70's early 80's ish that I really need to get my hands on because I love them.

And I'm spent.

I love you guys, thank you for reading and caring about me and everything. I really appreciate it.

I would totally lay a smooch on you.

Homo Out.

I hate yoga.

Okay I admit it. I hate yoga.

I hate doing it. I hate talking about it. In short, I mother FUCKING hate yoga.

I hate it because even when I was super flexible I never EVER found a way not to choke on my own fucking tits.

I also never found a way around my big hams. Because even as a thing girl Hams, I had them.

If ONE more fucking person tells me to try yoga for my joints and back I am going to stab them.

I'm not sleeping thus I am posting.

I just watched a crapload of videos from TribalFest 08 (and before anyone gets to bunching their panties this is Tribal used in the context of a group of people and not culture stealing vultures) and I am quite honestly fairly depressed.

I have been wanting, no really wanting to really learn how to bellydance for years. But am stopped constantly by lack of money for classes and most often my crap ass joints and back.

I have been in enough pain lately that I am starting to again (a very serious issue I have) view my physical body as the enemy.

Is it because I'm fat?


It's because the mind is willing but the flesh is being a motherfucker.

And the bigger issue is that I want to do more than I am capable of right now and it makes me angry that I have trouble sleeping due to discomfort and pain. It makes me angry that my usual walk is harder instead of the same.

I am pissed off.

And Fatosphere I don't know what to do.

I don't know where to direct my anger at my current state of physical being.

Thus, you get no content.

Now if I could get ahold of my fucking doctor, I would be a little less angry but that's a whole other post.

Also, I still fucking hate yoga.

I'm going to go take a hot bath and boil in some nice smelling mineral salts I got at the drug store. And quite possibly wax my eyebrows. later today I'll discuss a little about how beauty relates to all this.

Homo Out.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

News and whatnot. Heavy on the whatnot.

So in the news I am feeling semi unwell.

My brain is teeming with misplaced anger that I'm not doing really well at directing into some kind of thing that doesn't involve smashing things.

So yeah. The column is going slow because I don't want to try and be loving and nurturing when I feel like stabbing someone. That's not the place I want my advice to come from.

I do have your questions saved and they are important to me. And they will be answered. I think I was trying to be a little more ambitious than was prudent as I am wont to do.

Next thing I finally finished my Amazon Affiliate store. See that here. Some books I really love, beauty items I dig and now with some sexy times supplies. I will be adding more and even though I don't get much of a cut, (it's like 4%) I would be pretty stoked if you'd like to shop there.

Feel free to ask why I picked something or other. Or how to use it. I'm yer huckleberry.

I haven't figured out how to syndicate the sexy times column, nor have I figured out if or how I can make separate feeds for stuff some of you might not be interested in.


There is actually a lot I've read in the Fatosphere lately that I'd like to comment on (I totally have notes) however the Stabby Level is at Orange right now and I don't think I can do so without the stabby interfering.

Also I've been reading some awesome beauty blogs so be on the look out for more beauty related stuff.


Yeah wow. I don't know if the stabby is my Migraine Early Detection system going off (for one kind of migraine I get I get really angry before hand) or what but whoa.

So yeah call me Your Lady of Perpetual Grrr but I'm having a time shaking it. It's also partly because I still don't feel exactly right and I need to go to the doctor. I'm reluctant to though because I really -really- don't want to fucking hear just how crapped out my joints and back are.

I really don't want to have to be on daily meds. Mainly because I'm 31 and if I have to take them forever I'd like to not obliterate my liver without the enjoyment of liquor.

Also it just freaks me out.

But I know I need to put my big girl panties on and deal with it because near constant low level pain makes me really mean and I probably regress some.

And I'm spent.

Homo Out.

Returning soon with less angst more content. Swearsies.

Friday, July 25, 2008

Bigger faster and hot damn.

Okay my darlings.

First, I finally got some fucking sleep how awesome is that? Granted I was drugged out of my wee gourd but yeah sleep.

Now it's sexy times folks.

Reader Megan asks:

This is really a two-part question. One, I just read your entry on the reverse-cowgirl position and I'm dying to try it because it seems to sound perfect, but I can't help asking anyway - do you have any other positions to suggest? Stuff that might help: We're both big, but I'm much bigger than he is. I have a bad back that doesn't let me do regular cowgirl. :( And he loooves butts so if he gets to get his hands on it that's a plus. (Can't in regular cowgirl, I'm too big for him to reach.) Second part of the question: I can't get off from penetration, only from clit stimulation. Actually, only from a very specific kind of clit stimulation: lying very still, fantasizing, and touching in a very specific way. Not very condusive to happy-fun-time for both of us, it's usually one person getting off or the other. Do I need to try to *learn* to get off other ways, or is it that I need to find new ways of having sex that will get me off too?

All right my darling.

First suggestion about positions, get yourself some sex pillows. I suggest going to Big Lots or other similar discount stores and picking up a variety of sizes from square couch pillows to larger pillows. Don't get fancy materials because frankly you're going to jizz on them.

Next thing, absolutely give some permutations of reverse cowgirl a try. Since you have a bad back try leaning over forward with pillows under your front for support, sit up a little when it feels good. That way your boy can get access to the fantasticness that is your booty.

Also I highly recommend some variants of the classic doggy style. Depending on how fat you may or may not be, keep in mind you might need to move your belly to get more comfortable, also mind your thighs. I have big thighs and sometimes need to move my chub to get things going in a pleasing way. Once everything is inserted in position, try easing down onto your belly a bit (again with pillows if you need em), if your bed is low enough try it kneeling next to the bed with pillows for your knees. If your bed is too high, flip around wrap your legs around his hips and lay back and have at it.

Let's not overlook the stand by missionary position. I love that one. Depending on where you position your legs you can create a whole bunch of different sensations. Also right now I am going to recommend keeping your hip muscles nice and limber. I will tell you that was the only thing that ever got me interested in yoga. True facts my friend. I have a crappy back too and found that if my hips are a little more limber, being on my back and putting my legs in various positions for pleasure makes a huge difference.

Again pillows. Put a selection of pillows under your butt and lower back, create a ramp. This can allow for deeper penetration, your lover can sit up straight to watch you in all your hotness and then lower himself when he feels the need.

Take some time and experiment. Look around the house for likely areas that could provide you with comfy back support and a rocking good time. You are not limited by your size, you just have to use some imagination. Just remember when it comes to positions, if something seems like it'll feel good try it out. Just remember if something starts to hurt call a time out for the home team, take a drink of water, shake it off and get back to it.

Now for the second part of your question.

And you got it right Megan. You do need to learn how to get yourself off.

I'm going to guess a couple of things. Whenever you first started masturbating, I imagine it was in super super secret, under the covers trying desperately not to move too much or make too much noise lest you get caught. Now this is how you've been doing it for years and you have your brain (where all the happy fun times starts) trained to respond to the same or very very similar situations.

Am I close?

Okay so the first thing I want you to do is relax and take a day by yourself. Send your lovely boy unit out of the house and take a nap. Just a cat nap, the kind you wake up from feeling all delicious and happy about. Then go do what makes you feel sexy. I'm talking about prepare yourself like you are about to put a serious seduction on.

Do what you do. If that means hot ass make up, crotchless panties and a smile go on. Whatever makes you feel desirable and beautiful spend some time with yourself doing that.

If you're a drinker, have one of your favorite drinks. I'm talking about the good stuff. The stuff that makes you feel fancy. Personally at this point I go for a splendid Jack and coke. Don't get yourself drunk, just get to that relaxed state however you do it.

If you don't see where I'm going here, you are going to skip the dinner and movie and get straight to the taking advantage of yourself.

So to recap you're home alone, feeling sexy and happy and relaxed. This is where I want you to be. Before you get to your hands in your pants I want you to think about whatever it is that gets you squirmy. Maybe pick up some erotica, put on some porn, do whatever you like. Then I want you to put it down.

What you need to figure out Megan is how to disconnect the urgent message that you have to still yourself and only do that one thing. I want you to spend a lot of time just doing what feels good. That could be playing with your nipples, might be stroking a favored spot on the inside of your thigh.

I am also going to guess that you sweetheart are a thinker. I am betting that you have a big sexy brain and once it gets going you have trouble putting the brakes on. That is what you need to practice at. I am a huge advocate of just diddling around (pun totally intended)letting those tingly wonderful sensations run up your nerves to that big sexy brain.

You might not get off the first time you do this. That's perfectly ok. My whole point here is that you are fully free to explore everything else that gives your body a thrill.

I also think you could use some supplies babe. First thing you need a handy dandy trusty Pocket Rocket. 20 bucks and one AA battery later you are ready for launch. A pocket rocket was my very first sex toy. I bought it about a week after my 18th birthday and wore that little sucker out. They are perfect. Small enough to fit in your palm for easy handling, enough buzz to give you a thrill. Practice with it. And by practice I mean masturbate a lot.

Masturbate with your partner, pick up a waterproof one and get it in the shower.

What you want to do Megan is retrain your brain to recognize that oh HAY that feels good too, so does this, and this other thing. I also recommend checking out Fire in the Valley. Old school female masturbation video. I love it.

Remember you are not doing anything wrong as it were. Think about it like learning how to knit socks since you already know how to knit a scarf. And it's more fun.

Other tips. Try just laying back and letting your lover do stuff to you. You never know what you might stumble onto. For this remember to be vocal, if not explicitly than an appreciate noise when he's onto something, nudge him somewhere else if he's not quite there yet.

This isn't going to change over night. And you'll probably get frustrated sometimes but keep at it. You and your lover might never have that mythical simultaneous orgasm but, you could have a lot of fun along the way.

In closing Megan I want you to promise me, you are going to get down with yourself at least twice in the next month. Feel free to report back. Also promise me that you will tell yourself if you start to feel funny about romancing yourself or taking advantage of yourself, look in the mirror and say. Nudiemuse said to touch myself repeatedly so it must be ok.

Keep the questions coming darlings. I am feeling better and raring to go to answer whatever you wanna know.

Next up a talk about using lube, more reverse cowgirl advice, and headaches. Also a new stealth form for you super shy folks. And more.

I love you guys. Actually I will probably get to the first two questions later on this evening.

Homo Out.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008


I still don't feel good and thank you for your well wishes. I think it's mostly the weather change (significant barometric pressure changes always leave me feeling not so good) and my shitty sleep habits.

I have stuff to muse about.

First thing though, I have a bit of a conundrum.

I was reading a news article written by someone I have admired and enjoyed their writing for awhile. And frankly she lost me in the first paragraph that's just plain mean spirited I think and doesn't really address the issue she was writing about. I used to spend a lot of time in her internets community and stopped quite awhile back over what I felt to be some fat wank that pissed me off royally and the fact that as a community I read more things that pissed me off than didn't so I decided to go away.

Now I have her on my LJ friends list and she posts her new articles on her journal and this one just, wow. Hit the angry button.

I'm not one to point fingers but geesh. I really want to take some time in my entry to dissect it but I don't know. I don't want to be mean.

Go figure I want to be nice.

Okay suffice it to say (while I'm still being super vague) my main issues were some meanness and what comes off as dislike of small children and what they actually look like. I don't like that at all and felt it was an entirely unnecessary opening jab. It wasn't even a point.

Ok moving on.

Remember not all that long ago I mentioned my pants being a little tight due to some possible recent weight gain? And some anonymous someone was ever so kind as to tell me I was fat hating and whatnot. HA found the entry. See that here for a refresher. Back now? Great.

And as I said then:

I'm not doing anything crazy like only eating orange foods on Mondays when the moon is at three quarters full and drinking unicorn pee.

So my pants fit again today. I didn't bathe in Unicorn Pee, I didn't cut out all white foods, stand on one foot chanting my fat away. I did what I said I was going to and cut down on the sugar (I have a junkie worthy sweet tooth) and cut the energy drinks I was having all the fucking time out and guess what? Back to my normal pants size and state.

Also guess what? Still don't hate fat people. Still don't care if someone wants to tells me all about their miracle diet where they lost eleventy million pounds without doing anything differently. Yea no really. Don't care.

I still firmly believe that if I would prefer to keep fitting into my same pants or am a tad unsettled by my pants being too tight that is not hatred nor is it terrible nor is it the antithesis of Fat Acceptance.

Also henceforth aside from NSFW warnings I am not warning anyone about anything. That is my first formal policy here. I am not warning you about thinness, fatness, weirdness, difference. If you get upset over something you see linked here, that is not my issue. It is yours to decide to do with what you will.

Next thing I wanted to share my next tattoo. I originally wanted this on my inner right arm, but I realized that the way I designed it, it won't fit and I'm upset about that. It's from one of my favorite poems by Charles Bukowski it's the very ass end of the poem Friends Within the Darkness.


I really want it on my inner arm so I can read it when I need to. That bit is absolutely vital to me. So I think when I'm ready to go get it I will just take the full size and have the artist fix it for me. Since I am no artist myself.

I still have a little list of very small tattoos I'd like to get. Most of them are only significant to me and only I will get it and that's perfectly fine. Oddly of all of them it's the treble clef I want on my toe that I'm sweating.

Not because it'll hurt a lot but because I hate people touching my feet. I don't even really like Uniballer to touch my feet and I only let him for precious few seconds at a time before I pull my foot away or spank his hand.

So yeah. That one will probably be years in coming.

I seriously started this shit hours ago and now I'm home. Still feel like poop.

But to save the day a really sweet girl on LJ sent me an AWESOME Mac lipstick called So Scarlet. So I will show you my lucious lips clad in hot ass motherfucking red.

Christina Aguilara (I totally fucked up the spelling of her name didn't I?) and I are in agreement that red lipstick brings you up to another level of fabulous.

Now I am going to go take some medication, hope my body relents and let's me do this sleep thing.


Hopefully I will feel human and/or decent enough to talk some sexy times.

In the meantime keep the questions coming. I love you and goodnight.

Homo Out.

Monday, July 21, 2008

A Moment of Strife.

I am having one of those days.

I am frustrated with my body and I don't really know what to do.

I'm frustrated because I don't really feel good, in the general digestive system doesn't work so well kind of way which I hate.

Also, it's warm and lovely out but my joints hurt a lot and that makes me afraid.

I don't have fat days I have feeble days. I'm over tired and sore. I'm depressed because my body isn't doing what I think it should be doing and I'll probably be angry in a few hours.

This is what brings the self loathing and dissociation from my body. I hate that I feel this way and frankly there's fuck all I can do about it.

I do the things I'm "supposed" to that generally speaking are supposed to help my body not feel like this. But it gets difficult for me. I want to just say fuck it and eat things that will give me digestive distress, I want to go for those very long walks that I know will leave me hurting. I struggle with this a lot.

This is something I've struggled with for my whole life. I expect a lot from this fleshy vehicle I call a body. I depend on my body for my livelihood. If my body gets fucked up too badly, I have nobody to pick me up and take care of me. I have to work. I have to be at least upright.

Knowing that my life revolves around my body being functional is a frightening by product of being poor I believe. When you know if you don't work you are absolutely proper fucked you work anyway.

You work when you have a migraine, and when you have the shits, and when you have the flu.

Days like today my self esteem suffers horribly. I'd really rather have a "fat" day, which I don't generally. If I feel bigger for whatever reason I will say that I feel bloated, or puffy or whatever.

So yeah.

That is where I'm parked right now Fatosphere and the two other people who read this. I hurt, I'm tired and there's not fuck all to be done about it.

Due to this unplanned emotional and physical fuckery the next sex advice column is being put off until I feel better. I can't really answer your questions honestly and lovingly when i feel like this. That absolutely doesn't mean I don't want more. Keep them coming I actually do have some really wonderful ones to answer.

In other sexy times news I will probably do a post about some of the written erotica I love, some of my sex positive activist/advisor role models for those of you who don't get the angle I'm coming from here. And the aforementioned Half Nekkid Thursday.

Now some links, first from the Fatosphere.

Fatgrrl posted this
about a lovely fat lady in Britain getting down. Dancing I mean. It's a great clip. I also bust a move where ever the fuck I feel like it.

Also fuck Simon Cowell right in his fucking ear.

Great open thread from Rachel over at F-Words about antidepressants.

Love this Ask Aunt Fattie column here as answered by FillyJonk.

Dr Stacey posted yet another reason I dislike Calven Klein as a general rule. Ew. That's all I'm gonna say. Normally I am very into what you could call edgy fashion and photography and whatnot but that's just yeah ew.

Elsewhere in the vast list of blogs I subscribe to find:

Susie Bright posted an older article of hers on the history of race in porn. Specifically Black people and inter-racial porn. Good stuff read it here.

Violet Blue posted about being unpublished at BoingBoing. Also is watch the video. And can I just say the lipstick she's wearing in the video is fantastic?

The fantastic Trollop with a Laptop posted this little thing about loud shirts and that seriously made me love her a little. I too love some loud tacky shit. Okay add another name to the ever growing girlcrush list.

The other day Manwhore wrote about his first heartbreak. I liked it go read it here.

I just started reading this neat tattoo related blog called Needled. Tasty bits go look.

I think that's it from my enormous subscribed to blog list.

Homo Out.

Sunday, July 20, 2008

Sunday Fluff.

I am a tad hung over and very tired today so nothing serious.

Last night I went to a bacherlorette party and saw way more penis than anyone really needs to in a single night.

No seriously.

I also made a note to get my goddamn ID renewed because it's expired as a very annoyed bartender explained.

However the night was saved by an eager hostess at a sushi place next door who was very sweet and excited for my friend who's getting married. I had some lovely spicy tuna rolls and two Asahi beers.

What else?

Oh, I have discovered a new snack that I just love. Chili mango slices.

If you like spicy sweet foods and like mangoes you have GOT to try these. I get them locally because, there is a pretty big Hispanic population where I live and zomfg yummy.

You can apparently also find these at yer local Trader Joe's maybe.

So delicious.

I think I grew up around so many people from everywhere around the world and feel blessed that the neighborhood I live in provides me with a lot of the comfort type snacks I love that come from far flung places.

Sometimes when Uniballer and I are out buying snacks and groceries the propritors will give us the funniest looks. Someone explained it's because we often buy things they usually only sell to people of their own ethnicity. Further proof that tasty knows no bounds.

For instance.

There are these Chinese candies I like very very much and don't get often because they are hard to find outside of actual China. I had a bag on the bus one day and was nibbling when an older Chinese lady sat next to me. She caught sight of them and kind of giggled.

I offered her some and we shared this moment of absolute harmony. Then she gave me this huge bright thankful smile, and said as best she could that she didn't speak English but thank you. It was awesome.

I have been in more than one situation where the only thing I understood was to eat. Or taste.

I remember being in Japan and having our host family's little old Grandma jamming tasty tidbit after tidbit into my mouth because I was willing to try it and she clearly understood the happy yummy face I made when she fed me some sort of little fishy, seaweedy thingy.

Delight, the kind of delight that makes you squirm and giggle and maybe drool is the best thing in the universe. In case you've forgotten this sort of thing watch the face of a upright aged infant when presented with a loved thing.

I'm talking before said baby can actually speak, it's the non verbal full body kind of squee that I'm talking about. Embrace it.

Sometimes our lives get so busy and full of doing everything else we forget the little joys that are in fact universal.

So in the next few days as a favor to your favorite cranky fat sex guru in training, do something that makes you squee. Have a perfect strawberry, use your favorite soap, snorgle your pet, snorgle a loved one, tickle a baby, tickle your partner, do something that just makes you squirm and wriggle and maybe even squeal with abject absolute delight.

Now some links.

The Human Variation Project needs female volunteers. Read about that here.

Did I mention I joined Facebook? I don't know how to work it exactly and that makes me feel dumb in a way that I don't care about.

This is a really good entry over at GoodWithCheese. Go read it.

Also I think I may be one of few not being trolled lately. Also I don't have any kind of actual comments policy as of yet. Which seems odd considering I've been yammering on the internet for more than five years now.

Wow I'm fucking exhausted.

Tomorrow some musing about the ever dreaded d word, weight loss, and Tuesday more sexy times for you my darlings. I'm also working on making the sexy advice it's own standalone feed for those of you who want more sex less yammering.

Also look for my first Half-Nekkid Thursday post here soon like.

That's all.

Homo Out.

Friday, July 18, 2008

Adventures, Penis and glee.

Welcome to the second edition of Ask NudieMuse brought to you today by hot ass eye shadow and a crapload of coffee.

I've got two excellent questions for today and at the end we'll revisit the Cowgirl a little bit. Ready break GO.

First up a question from Cookie who asks:

Sometimes, I want to get a little wild and weird in the bedroom but I am worried my straight laced partner won't be ready for the kind of things I want to explore. What is the best way to introduce someone to the kinkier side of sex?

Excellent questions. I've actually been asked this many many times.

First thing to think about is that you may have to go kind of slower than you'd want to. Lots of people who aren't into kink yet won't want to go from zero to swinging from the chandeliers while singing the Star Spangled Banner and wearing assless chaps. But there is hope. Remember sex is not serious business and there's no absolute right or best way to introduce some kinky fun into your sex life.

There are several ways you can go about this with a straight laced partner. If you are the sorts to talk about sex a lot, just come out with it. You can say something like, "honey we have hot sex and I would be really into you spanking me/pulling my hair/calling me a bitch next time. Could you get down with that?" Naturally you don't have to quote me verbatim but whatever way of asking works for you.

If you're a little shyer about your wannabe kink, you can start small. Ask for a hair tug while you're mid coitus, send your lover a hot story featuring your kink, there are tons and tons and tons of free erotica on the web just a click away. I always also advocate watching porn you like with your partner. I look at it this way, I like porn you like porn, let's watch some porn together. Share and share alike.

If after a little exposure your partner is still a little reticent to make with the whatever you're into, take it slower. Maybe have a cuddle and talk dirty to your partner. Spin a yarn if you will, a dirty dirty yarn. Or if you're not quite up to that head on over to your local bookstore and cruise the dirty books section. You don't have to buy but feel free to flip through a few that fit in with what you're wanting do to and get some ideas.

Some people are just not into kink and some people once they get a taste go buck wild crazy. And lots of people fall somewhere in the middle. The most important thing is to be empathetic, listen, speak truthfully and have fun together. Another quick idea, if you are the nerdy sort share some links. If you have trouble articulating what you want, let the net do the work for you. A quick google search of your kink will yield a million and five results, look at them together. Blush, giggle and enjoy.

You know what else is awesome sometimes? The element of surprise. Now this might scare some straight laced partners but, it might be just what the doctor ordered. Come to bed with a few bits of sexual hijinks paraphernalia smile at your partner and say, let's GET IT ON. If pressed for an explanation tell your lover that you have been wanting to do this with him/her and weren't sure what to say exactly, and as they say action is better than words. Key word there is ACTION.

Most people don't go from zero to KINKY super quickly. Feel free to take your time, a little hair pulling, a little spanking, maybe a blindfold. Go with what you feel and what you like. Experiment, unlike chemistry class your private sex ed won't result in explosions of the dangerous kind, just the fun kind.

Also before I move on let me say one more thing. Never ever feel guilty, weird or bad because you want to do something kinky. If you would like your partner to smear cake on your ass and stick a birthday candle in it while you caw like a crow on drugs, it's your business, lay down a tarp and have at it. No one has the right to dictate to you what you and your consenting adult partner get up to.

Now go forth, do something kinky and enjoy.

Next up, my first question from a BOY and as I said yesterday YAY.

Ian asks:
Is a five inch penis adequate?

First Ian read this then follow my instructions. Find a mirror where you can see your crotch, take your pants off and look at your penis and repeat after me.

My cock is motherfucking magnificent. (If you find yourself doubtful say this) My cock is motherfucking magnificent and I know this because Nudiemuse says so and she knows from magnificent cocks.

Say that two or three times, give yourself a little love squeeze and come back.

No really go ahead I'll wait.
Back now? Great.

When it comes to cocks, the old adage that size matters I think is bullshit meant to make people who have cocks feel weird and bad. The fact is it doesn't matter how big your cock is if you don't know how to use it.

Big cocks are great for some things. Porn for example. Modeling mens gstrings, stripping, being the mold for sex toys.

Cocks that aren't so big, are great for all sorts of things too. Doing it with hot people, not scaring off potential lovers, fitting into very tight places.

I will tell you sweets that some people prefer a bigger dick. Some people don't. Just like some people are really into a big old booty, other people not so much. As far as your cock being adequate I am willing to bet you five dollars and a full frontal nudie picture that your cock is perfectly fantastic.

What matters more in my view is ability, technique and all the wonderful things that make a person a good lover that don't directly involve your genitalia. Are you willing to listen to your partner? Take care with your partner? Are you appreciative and respectful of your partners?

If you can say yes to those fantastic.

There are lots of other factors other than penis size that can make a man a bad or inadequate lover. If I were you I'd not worry so much about how big or not big my cock is and just be a damn good lover.

If you are really not feeling so great about yourself and your penis, give some head. No seriously, become a pussy eating or cock sucking expert. I'm talking make your partner crawl up the wall howling because you have a tongue of might. There is absolutely nothing wrong with compensation if you feel like you need to.

Do what makes you feel good.

If that means you become super stamina man hell yeah.

Maybe become an anal expert? Hell yeah.

Fact is Ian, your penis is great. Your penis is beautiful and wonderful. If someone doesn't like it as much as you do, it's not your problem and it's not an issue of whether or not your parts are adequate. I also will tell you to try watching some amateur or real people porn.

The people in these are just like you. They are not John Holmes, and they probably don't look like they are going to put your eye out with their cocks.

Want some data that I can't find links for? Okay baby just for you.

The average penis is 5.0 inches erect. That means you babe.

Also some personal info just for you. I am not a size queen. I am not really that into big cocks. I'd prefer a man lover with a smaller one than a bigger one for several reasons.

Most of the men who I've slept with who have had big or even huge cocks I was not really impressed. For one thing, I don't like my fucking cervix being sore every time I have sex. Which can easily happen if your partner has a big cock and isn't very careful with it.

Also in my experience (your mileage may vary of course) actual size of the penis hasn't impacted my overall impact of my pleasure. A man who pays attention to what gets me off has been and probably always will be preferable to a man with a big cock.

Still with me? Good. Now in conclusion it boils down to this Ian. Being a good or excellent lover has less to do with your crotch than it has to do with the sexiest part of your body, your brain baby. Your brains win over your penis size any day.

Now let's revisit Reverse Cowgirl for fatties for a minute.

I had a reader who didn't quite get it. This is for you sugar.

Step by step here's getting into position.

You (the one getting penetrated) I will call The Rider, your partner is your Mount.

The mount lays down on his or her back. If needed tuck a pillow or two under their hips (don't forget to support the lower back). Position your mount with legs spread a little and bent at the knee a tad so there is some space under there.

Rider, on your knees and back up towards your mount until you are within penetrating range. Grab a pillow to support your front if you need it, then one of you aim and slide on home.

Make adjustments accordingly to what is most comfortable for you and your partner. Let the booty grabbing fun begin. Adjustments can be made for the size of you and your partner, for anything. If you have trouble with her feet tucked under the thighs of your partner, try laying forward a little so you're less hip thrusting than you are hip grinding.

Remember there is no "right" way to do it. The only right way is the way that feels the best for you which may not work for me.

Next time I'll answer a question about how to learn new ways to get off, more positions for fat lovers and for fun some talk about your genitals.

As always keep your questions coming, go have some sex and enjoy yourself. Don't forget the lube. Send your curious self (or curious friends) here to find out how to get your question in. And on that page find out how to link to my question page. Steal it, link it, spread the word.

Homo Out.

PS...Remember this is supposed to be happy fun times not hard work.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Beauty time now.

For the moment I am taking off my sex advice hat, and my annoyed fat girl hat. It's beauty time.

We all know by now that I have a little bit of a problem with buying beauty items. I love them. I can't help myself.

So yes, I can admit it I'm a wannabe beauty editor too. And right now I have some stuff to review. No new looks to post sadly because I forgot to take a picture this morning. I really should have my make up is BANGING today.

First thing.

I am right this instant going through amazon page by page and putting things into my affiliate store. I'm up to about 10 pages of beauty products that I like and recommend and if it's good I'm going to be using my affiliate links for some of these beauty items.

Now product reviews.

A couple of weeks ago Uniballer, our new roomy who I will call QT and I went off on errand running adventures and I picked up (totally at random) a Basis cleansing bar for sensitive skin. I picked this up because my skin has been acting a little funky and I figured it'd be good to have something gentle to keep it clean.

But holy WOW. My skin has been far less greasy (I have oily skin like whoa) and so soft. My cheeks are like butta. And it removes eye make up well, doesn't leave my hands feeling peely and gross. Four thumbs up for this. And bonus it's hella cheap. I mean like cheap. What kind of makes me mad is that it works way better than the expensive Neutrogena shit I tried not too long ago.

Next up some Aromaleigh products.

I am having such a love affair with AromaLeigh right now. I picked up their Indelible eyeliner Sealant and I repeat, OH MAH LORD. I've done two looks so far with this product and it's really good stuff. Using pigments wet is something I really enjoy. Using other mixing medium type products sometimes isn't that great. Products like Mac's Eyesafe Mixing medium, home made glycerin and water mixing mediums can get expensive. The Aromaleigh lasts and did not smear at all despite my watery eyes.

This is absolutely replacing my beloved Avon Custom liner transforming liquid.

Four thumbs up.

I also picked up a Nourishing Color Cream from their Gothic Lolita collection in a color called Lollypop. From their site:

Lollypop... a delightful cherry red (cool/neutral red)flush of color! For just-bitten sweet cheeks and lips. A special edition here to stay from our Gothic Lolita Collection.

On first sight it's a gorgeous color. Deep and slightly metallic. Sadly though this looks absolutely asstastic on me which is sad. I tried using it as more of a stain and that didn't help. I mixed it on my lips with a slightly different shade of red gloss and no go. I'm really sad about that because it's a very nice product. I'll be slicing the top of that off and trading it away.

Now for some beauty link round up.

Silver Lips Beauty & Musiq Heaven. Lovely to read. I really enjoy her product reviews a lot.

Second Skin Beauty. She has contests, is funny and does some great reviews.

Reflections of Beauty. Charming, good reviews and she has cute friends.

Miss K of Aromaleigh who I've mentioned before. But always worth a read.

Scandalous Beauty. of course. I enjoy her youtube videos and her blog a lot. I highly recommend her.

I just recently started reading the Indian Make-up Diva. Absolutely worth a read even if you just go to have a look at the pictures.

The Makeup Girl.
Another blog I just started reading recently.

And I think that's the round up. I probably missed a few people but those I read regularly. I told you I'm an addict.

My next review will probably be of the Covergirl powder I picked up on Ebay, more AromaLeigh since I have a crapload of pigment samples from them I have yet to try. I will also probably do some lip gloss reviews and recommendations.

All right goodnight pretty people.

Homo Out.

OH and remember, my sex advice column is a go. Head to this page and ask me anything.

How about no?

Before I get into the meaty bits of what I'd like to talk about today I'm going to admit to something.

I totally giggled because I saw Prunella's bewbies. Also because she has a very cute new kitten.

Now onto the meaty part of what's been bubbling away in my brain matter since last night. New sexy column tomorrow and I even got a question from a BOY and I'm excited.

So I've mentioned before that I am a big fan of Violet Blue. I read her Hump Day Porn Break entry (okay in case you haven't guessed darlings not a lick of this pun intended is going to be work safe so save the links for later) and happened on a link to a fan request for "curvy" girls over at Fleshbot.

Now the first thing that caught my eye was Ms. Blue's caveat that these are not in fact BBW ladies. As always those kind of warning always annoy me a tad bit. I feel the same way when people say, "not in a gay way", "not ALL black people" you get my drift.

Now when I looked at the Fleshbot entry I was in fact kinda excited. I do love some big natural boobies, I do love naked ladies on whom I can count nary a rib. However the use of the word "curvy" as a euphemism for perceived fatness or bigness is a bit much.

Lots of women are curvy. Some of them are a size 0, some of them are a size 28. Some women are more of a straight shape, some have big boobs and no ass, some have little boobs and lots of ass. Now on reading the comments most of them were appreciative of the "big" girls and there was some mention that not a single one of those ladies was at all big and/or plus size. There was even recognition that they are "big" in the porn world.

However the author (who I don't know, I forget to read Fleshbot most of the time) left it the way it was.

All this of course makes me ruminate on the fact that most people have no clue how any particular weight or what clothing size means in terms of actual flesh. Is it any wonder so many of us are so confused about our bodies?

TR was quite right when she was so excited to see a naked woman who looked a lot like her. Read her entry here.

Times like this I really wish there was some giant repository of naked pictures where you could type in your height and weight and see other naked human beings who are within the same range as you. How awesome would that be?

I think this is why places like Fatshionsta on Flickr and on LJ are important. However I do think that somewhere where everyone is welcome. Would be even more fantastic. What's sad though is that I don't really see that the human body in all it's fantastic variants being normalized anytime soon.

Can you imagine if at some point the idea that you have to give warning about a body, (these aren't BBW's, I'm fat, I'm not fat etc etc). Granted I never do that in general or at least I try not to. If someone has a shitty reaction to something it's their own responsibility not mine. But it is such a prevelant thing to warn people that what they are about to see might be oh noez DIFFERENT OH NO NO NO.

How do we make it happen?

First thing stop apologizing. Don't apologize for your messy hair, greasy face, fat ass, small boobs, ribs showing or whatever when you publicly discuss or show photos of yourself. Just don't. When you hear people express disgust about, small boobs, greasy faces, saggy balls, hairy asses, ribs, fat asses, messy hair and ashy knees. Call them on it.

You don't have to be the educator, you can leave it at a simple "that's really uncalled for and inappropriate" to giving it to 'em with both barrels that's up to you.

I believe that change can be as creepingly insidious as bullshit. But it smells better and quite frankly makes it better for everyone.

Now back to the original links up there. If I knew any of the people I linked personally I would ask why the caveat? Do you have some idea that you're going to offend if they were in fact fat women? Would it be so terrible if the "curvy, chubby" women were actually fat?

I don't know the answer to any of those questions but I do wonder.

I should say now that I don't actually comment very often on strangers blogs. I'm just not in the habit of doing it. Especially people who I just plain don't know at all.

I think that's all I have to say about this for right now. Later on I might do an entry about clothes because I have a jones for recycled clothing lately.

Homo Out.

PS..keep the questions coming. I'm aiming to do sexy times questions every other day or so sprinkled in with the rest of the crap I talk about.

And PPS...YAY I'm so glad you liked your answer Fat Cowgirl. Remember, pillows under the booty.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Reverse Cowgirl for fatties and more.

All right my darlings.

So the sexy times question column is officially named Ask NudieMuse because I found too many other ask Reverse Cowgirl type names already taken. So Ask NudieMuse it is.

If you click on over (if you're reading me from a reader) you will see the wee graphic there at the bottom of the entry that will take you here. In a week or so I will probably release another link (a more incognito one) for those of you who are supa shy.

I also have 2 actual questions to answer.

However first things first.

So you understand where I'm coming from here it is in a nutshell. I am pro-homo-hetero-bi-fat-skinny-group-solo-grown up naked fun time sex type person. I frankly do not care if you want to jam a butt plug you call the Destroyer up your butt, have your partner spray you with canned cheese while you wear a birthday hat and cartwheel across your living room whistling Dixie out of your pee hole.

There are no politics generally speaking when it comes to sex for me. My sex life is sacrosanct and I do not mix the two. If I'm theorizing about gender or queer theory that's one thing but when I'm engaging in happy fun naked time, I will have none of it.

I am open to answering whatever no really whatever you want to know. Now I warn you. Before you submit a question know that I will answer in a graphic manner. I will probably not use a lot of medical jargon and I will answer with humor because sex is funny.

Next thing, feel free to link to me everywhere. Tell your friends, tell your gay boyfriend, tell your super straight sister. I will not reveal person details, you don't even have to enter an email address. Nobody will know it was you that asked the question. This isn't middle school sex ed where you really wanna know something but are afraid to raise your hand.

For you parents and underage type people. Parents if you think your offspring might ask me something that makes you uncomfortable it's up to you to monitor that. I will answer a question from anyone. I fully believe that no matter what age you are, everyone needs at least one person who will be totally honest without an agenda.

We're all on the same page now? Fantastic.

I totally almost typed Fat ass tic. Why, because my brain is kind of stuck on the absolutely astonishingly beautiful fat booty I saw earlier today. I like butts, and that one was magnificent.

Okay ready for the first official question?

The question was the following:

wouldn't mind more talk about sex, particularly since both my husband and I are fat (he moreso than I) and learning what works for other fat people would be very interesting. Cowgirl for instance, I haven't figured out a practical way to do. Knees don't reach, squats aren't comfy...

If you're unfamiliar cowgirl is the lady in this case on top, gent on the bottom. Add in your own variants, think the one getting penetrated on top, the penetrator on the bottom.

When you are both fat you need to consider the following. Where do you both carry most of your weight? If you're both bigger in the belly, forward facing cowgirl is not going to work unless your penetrator has a really long and bendy cock. Quite possible if your partner is wearing a strap on or you're sharing a big toy. You need some supplies.

I would recommend the wedge but frankly it's fucking expensive. Go to your local cheap store, Big Lots, Kmart, whatever and get yourself some good sized squishible pillows and some cheap pillow cases you don't mind jizzing on. These are not sleeping pillows these are sexy times pillows.

Here is the fun bit. Experiment with pillow placement under the booty of the penetrator. Hips further up (don't forget to support the lower back) and slightly back tilted. Also if need be penetrator please move your belly as needed.

Now you the penetrated, there are lots of things you can do from this point. And now we're gonna do some reverse cowgirl. Turn your back to your partner, have your partner spread their legs and back up between their open thighs. You can experiment with where you are most comfortable, don't squat that hurts unless you have thighs o steel.

Now once you have got yourselves lined up and set for penetration, the lovely on top it's all you. In this particlar variant of reverse cowgirl you can sit straight up and bounce, you can lean over on your elbows (also if you need pillows under your belly or chest or elbows feel free) and ride to glory.

This is also a very good position for folks who don't climax from penetration alone. Bring along your favorite smaller sized buzzing toy. I personally favor a good egg. (Oh I also promise at some point there will be links here as well to things, I will come back and edit later) put it where it does you the most good.

Once you've got your basics here down have more fun. If your partner has testicles you can play with them from this position. If you're feeling a tad bit Dom like, tell your partner to be very still while you get off all over them. If your partner is like me and loves butts, your fantastic booty is within reach for groping squeezing etc.

This is all about finding what works for your bodies. I have bad knees and a bad back so traditional cowgirl doesn't really work for me because aching knees totally interferes with my orgasm capability. Also remember, if your knees or back start to hurt blow the whistle and take a time out, swallow some water find another position then go at it.

Remember my darlings, there are NO rules when it comes to what you and your partner can and can't do. If it works run with it and have a good time doing it. If it doesn't work out so well, laugh it off, and keep on trucking.

So go forth and have some sex. Be prepared bring your pillows, lube, safer sex items, snack for afterwards, towel, and have at it. And remember, sex is not all that serious. Funny and weird things are going to happen. You might fart start laughing or make weird noises and it's all good.

Until later.

Homo Out.

PS..TR I'm working on something for you.


Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Can't brain today.

Not a lot of seriousness today. It's beautiful out and I am too annoyed with things not pertaining to anything aside from the number of absolute morons in the world to be able to do anything but sputter and foam round the mouth.

So I want to talk about stuff that makes me happy instead.

This is what I do in order to keep myself from going all SHANNON SMASH on people.

So some product reviews.

I've been using a Shick Intuition razor for awhile. They had them on sale with a full size Dove antiperspirant so I had Uniballer grab me one. We all know by now that I am no big fan of shaving. It's not a political thing I just can't be arsed to do it all that often. Also my skin is highly sensitive and will let me know in a violent red rashy way if it doesn't like something. If you haven't seen these it's a three bladed razor with a "moisturizing solid" around it.

I've had some trouble with razors in my armpits before because the way my chub is arranged in there I have a large dip when I raise my arms and the hair grows in several directions so if I shave the pits I almost always get razor burn like hell so for the last few years I've just used the clippers. The Intuition not only gave the pits a close shave but way fewer bumps and none of them hurt. Shocking. Also after a couple weeks of shaving twice during that time, no ingrowns.

On my legs was the real test though. Shaving is not among my many talents and I hardly ever get a smooth shave or manage to get all the areas. Using this razor is nice because the handle fits well in my hand and I feel like I have more control. It gives a lovely shave. My only gripe is it's fairly heavily scented which I don't care for but it's not too lingering.

So I may or may not spend the extra $$ to get the replacement heads those are kind of pricey but given that I use them lightly shouldn't be too bad.

Two thumbs up.

Okay I mentioned briefly before that I made another to Aromaleigh and I'm trying out my stuff one thing at a time. I picked up the "Indelible" Eyeliner Seal to hopefully replace my Avon Transforming custom liquid eyeliner stuff. OH. MY GOD I am so in love I proposed to it on Twitter.

Okay so I decided to do a really simple look. After getting my foundation on I used L'Oreal HIP Paint in Secretive all over my eyelid. Then used a Mac Teal pigment and my eyeliner brush. I used way too much eyeliner seal at first but I got the consistency right and it was perfect. Even better than the Avon stuff in my opinion. Not only do you get way more product but the Avon dried really slowly to me and that was annoying. I did a simple teal winged liner, used some random black pencil on my waterline and did some huge lashes and it's awesome.

So I am marrying Indelible Eyeliner Seal and we are going to live a long happy life together. I love bright liner and I hate buying liquid liners because the colors never pop like using a wet pigment so that is made of awesome and win.

I'll have to take pics when I get home because I forgot my camera and was scrambling to get out of the house on time because I straight up almost forgot to comb my hair.

How the fuck does that actually happen that you forget to comb your hair?

Next thing about my sex column. For some reason I keep entirely fucking up the code. Like horribly so and then to top that off I fucked up the program I use to generate the fucking code. Holy good lord sometimes I don't know what is wrong with my brain. In the meantime while I get my shit together. No wait back up for a minute.

I'm trying to make a nice official looking static page where I will have my few rules, the form to submit your question and probably some kind of other little goody like a photo of my boobs or something. However my coding skills lately have been made of fail and stuff. No serious fail.

Next thing I want to talk more about tattoos on fat bodies, in particular my fat body.

For years now I've heard many reason why people don't like tattoos so much, one of the ones that never ceases to make me giggle a little is the "what about when you get old?"

I personally am going to be one tattooed up little old lady. Like everything else on my body my tattoos are going to sag and fade and warp. Even if I didn't have tattoos when I am sagging and wrinkly, I'm still going to be saggy and wrinkly.

So when I am old and feel like getting gussied up to sexually harass people (because come on, you know its going to happen, I know it's going to happen) I will pull my tits up out of my socks and spend a little time admiring ink that I hope will bring back memories of why it's there and what I was feeling. Granted my tendency to not care what other people think of my appearance now I can't foresee me suddenly feeling self conscious when I'm 80. As I get older I care less.

When it comes to body mods my attitude is pretty simple. Yes my body is a temple, it is however a very temporary one in the grand scheme of things and I don't know about you folks but I like my temples adorned to the point of gaudy. Yes I do.

I also want to mark the fact that I am still alive, and went through this painful thing to wind up with something that makes me happy when I see it.

Barring any physical insanity I will be a round, tattooed, prone to outbursts of the Fbomb, wig wearing, tiara demanding little old lady. And I am looking forward to that.

In other fat news I've had some people say some really really fucking dumb things about fat to me lately.

I was on the bus talking to another fat lady and we were talking about some clothig item. Then she got off of the bus and this woman about my age gave me one of those pitying looks this is how our convo went.

Her: You know those last few pounds are so hard to lose. Once you lose a few more pounds you'll be a knockout.

Me: *Blink*I'm not losing weight. I'm pretty good how I am right now.

Her: Well if you lost about twenty pounds you'd get a man for sure.

Me: I don't really need another one.

Her: *Blink*Well you're not wearing a wedding ring and you've got such a pretty face. You'd be much prettier if you didn't have that thing *motioning to my labret.*

Me: *Big sigh, deep breath, don't yell don't yell don't yell* I like myself just the way I am. I think people who sublimate their own desires like that.

Her: *Huff, puff and she mysteriously found someone else to talk to.*

I will say I am very proud I didn't just tell her to fuck right off. I've been working on that.

However I really get tired of my assumed straightness. Even when I was going through my (very cute) young chubby baby butch phase even when I was blatantly hitting on girls everyone thought I was straight.

I finally have stopped wishing for world peace and just want people to stop assuming that they can know a goddamn thing about me just by looking at me.

While we're on the subject of assumptions let's talk about a few assumptions about fat people that do not pertain to me.

If you're fat, you must have diabetes, hypertension, be lazy, never workout cause yanno that's the ONLY reason people get fat.

Hypertension and diabetes runs on both sides of my family. I have a lot of relatives who were diagnosed with one or the other right around the age I am now. At my last full bore check up my BP was a tad high which the doctor wrote off as part of the panic attack I had. My blood sugar and likelihood of diabetes was about nil.

In fact she was so impressed I got a sticker.

The only real complaint that my doc had is due to the fact that I still smoke even though I have cut way WAY down on that. My cholesterol levels are good, very good for someone my age. Yadda yadda.

I could work out more but as my doctor and I both agree'd the benefits don't really outweigh the problems with my back knees neck and ankles.

All problems before I was ever all that fat.

So don't pull that bullshit out anywhere near me. You cannot know anything about my health from the current size of my ass.

Now for some links.

I am going to say I have a little bit of a girly crush on SugarButch. (Yes that's a queer link right there, not entirely work safe depending on where you work). The article on packing is excellent and the name, come on man. Sugar Butch. Say it outloud.

And LesbiaTopia. Again the name caught my eye but the journal is very interesting. Also the Pinup of the day here. Gave me a tingle in my special area.

Also awesome entry at FataleMedia today. Check it. Also holy shit I can't believe Bend Over Boyfriend is in it's 10th anniversary. I've had copies of it in one form or another since it came out. While I'm talking about porno I like. Hard Love and How to Fuck in High Heels is some HAWT motherfucking butch on femme action. A classic and totally awesome thing.

It's no secret that I have a serious serious weakness for butches. Young popped collar butches, older brush cut butches (strategic silver at the temples and a wicked smile will get me out of my pants in .02 seconds), and flavors of butches all in between. Frankly, a butch dyke is far more likely to send me into giggling, squirming waiting to get spanked space than anyone else. Dunno why it just is.

Add liquor into the mix and there could very well be lap sitting, snorgling and making out. Fair warning.

I was talking to a gay man I like a lot and he made me LOL hard. He said I go from cute femme to growly cub in seconds and it confuses him. I responded by asking him not to wake my inner Leather Daddy because I didn't have a cigar nor did I have on the right boots.

He laughed.

But that does kind of sum up rather neatly how my uh...(why am I drawing a blank here) mother fucker. I sat here for ten minutes trying to dredge the right phrase out of my brain and it's not happening. Fuck.

Too dumb for queer and gender theory today.

I couldn't even read my copy of the Decameron on the commute to work today. It doesn't help that it's a 1973 translation and the print is motherfucking tiny.

I am so done.

So work on the sex thing is kind of progressing about as quick as turtles fuck but I'm working on it. Picture reviews of Aromaleigh stuff is forthcoming.

Homo Out.

Thursday, July 10, 2008


My migraine is finally fading, three days of wanting to bash my skull into a brick wall does not do a Shannon good.

It was a menstrual migraine so my head and my uterus were in a battle to the death for dominion over which would make me more suicidal first. Neither won fuck em both.

I'm still not entirely right and exhausted so today beauty.

So some excellent news that made me kind of teary. A dear dear friend gave me some play money and I have been on a make up binge.

I ordered more stuff from AromaLeigh. I also feel confident enough about my photo taking skills to actually do a proper review.

I also am rounding out my collection of Mac pigments. I buy sample jars because I had a couple of regular size ones that I wound up trading because frankly I don't need that much and it's way more bang for your buck.


And there's dollars left. OMG.

I'll probably pick up some more primer powder and maybe some books. Okay well totally some books.

Back to beauty.

The video before is lengthy but absolutely worth watching. I have spent many nights when other people are out playing, at home playing with make up.

Isn't she just a total doll? You should read her blog too.

I totally started this yesterday but we'll pretend that totally didn't happen.

Okay moving on.

As evidenced by today's fuschia and gold eyeshadow I am insane for color. I love big loud bright colors and weird shapes. I will try to get a good picture but today my shadow is kind of striped from the inner corner.

It's warm here in Seatown and I've been experimenting and found what makes my skin not only look good but feel happy.

I wash my face in the morning with plain water. Luke warm then once with cool to cold water. Let it dry then use a cotton square to put Milk of Magnesia on my face. I have learned that when I get too much in a spot I can use my fingers when it's dry to smooth it. Still looks weird but then I comb my hair and do whatever until it's dry.

It is paramount that the MOM be entirely dry before the next step.

Next up I use my flat head buffer brush like this one. And use my Happy Minerals Oil Control powder all over my face and I make sure to use a little extra on my eyelids, nose and forehead.

If you're brown like me you'll probably feel like you look weird and chalky fear not my brown skinned hot homies.

Next up your foundation. I am using my mix of Oil of Olay Sensitive skin daytime moisturizer with SPF. (Note to self maybe use yer Amazon linky things for these mmkay). I have that mixed with some random liquid foundation I had laying around. I put a glob on the back of my hand then mix it with my e.l.f. Professional 9 Piece Master Setfoundation brush(I just picked up the complete brush set..AWESOME). (Okay going to be honest I am using my affiliate links for ELF cosmetics for a few of these because I like earning shit.) I use my brush to ease on my foundation, careful around my slightly dark areas.

Now if I'm going for more coverage I will use my kabuki brush and my pressed powder (any king you like will do) swirl the kabuki brush in the powder and start buffing it out on my face. This can take awhile but the results are velvety and lovely. Buff until you're satisfied with the blending and coverage.

My last step before I start in on my eye make up is to use my Fyrinnae mineral finishing powder with a good fluffy face brush. Then BAM velvety hotness.

Being that my skin is really oily it doesn't stay matte for long and I'm usually dewy for quite a long time which is great I love dewy.

Now in other news, I have been laboriously building an Amazon Affiliate store and have been hand picking products. Now these aren't products I'm selling just stuff I like and would like to share with you my homies. If you would like to buy some that would be great too. And if you have questions about the hows or why I picked certain things ask.
I ain't too proud to beg.

This is a sort of step towards me having my own goddamn interwebs store.

I do have a not so secret dream of having a plus size goth shop of some sort. However as of now I don't have the patience or mental power to start up such a thing.

And my as yet nameless sexy times advice thing is still on, but the migraine o doom precluded me getting any actual work done on it. It was difficult enough to be at my dayjob you dig.

Whoa I totally spaced out over here.

Yay it's Friday.

Homo Out.

Monday, July 07, 2008

Keep on Chugging.

Still working on the form thingy for the sexy times questions. Fear not my darlings I haven't forgotten entirely.

There are currently a myriad of things causing me no end of irritation but I am trying really hard over here to rise above, take a breath and not go fucking nuclear.

So let's talk about body mods shall we.

I have been a lover of body modification since I was pretty young. I remember lying about my age or having older friends buy me tattoo magazines so I could keep up with what was going on in the body mod world way before I was ever really a part of it. I recall being very familiar with the whole Urban Primitive thing way before every jack hole with a stretched earlobes thinks they are so freaking cool.

Now that I'm older, fatter and wiser my outlook on body mod has changed a tad bit.

I am far more into tattoos than piercings. I have had lots of holes in my dermis and the only ones I still have are my labret, and my still being stretched lobes.

I have the fantastic tramp stamp and no other ink as of yet mostly due to financial fuckery.

I've had the majority of my major tattoos planned for years now. The only things that have changed really are the smaller ones. Instead of symbols I have had scribbled in notebooks for years I am inclined towards wee bits of literature.

I really want the end of one of my favorite Bukowski poems tattooed on the inside of my right arm. I made it up all pretty in photoshop and whatnot and scaled and much to my chagrin my arm is too small.

I find it somewhat amusing that I am right this instant lamenting the fact that my arms are not big enough for me to decorate as I see fit.

I am also seriously considering a pin up for my calf. A big titty having, afro wearing, probably in hot pants pin up. Which would be so super awesome.

I know I'm skipping around here.

Excuse that I have a migraine brewing.

Break here I just found someone on Ebay who does PVC and other gothy, fetishy fabulousness up to a ladies size 11X. Awesome find that here.

And to steal a phrase from Kathy Griffen, holy fuckballs you guys.

My head is not quite pounding yet but my migraine detection system is clanging away like a mother fucker.

Also reminder to self pack your Elvis purse so you can carry the camera and take some photos.

I also still intend to participate in some Half Nekkid Thursday action. I just keep forgetting.

I also have a post brewing about GlamourBombing sort of.

So, stay tuned this week for sex, boobs, fabulousness and the debut of the as yet unnamed sexy times column.

Also as an aside "Dear Reverse Cowgirl" is currently my favorite to win for the title.

I love you guys.

Homo Out.

Friday, July 04, 2008

Friday Fluffitude.

I am still really tired so I am posting fluff today.

So first fluffy thing.

I am currently for the first time in years a little annoyed about the size of my boobs. For the record I am a 40 DD. Though technically I can work a 42 if I am in the land of PMS. Now big boobs are great I love big boobs, specifically I love my big boobs.

However, they are a tad bigger than would be optimal for dresses fitting me in both boobs, lower torso and hips.

What I realized yesterday while I was lamenting the fact that I am going to have a closet clearing my boobies are too big clothing sale, is that I had the exact same problem when I was thin, quite thin and painfully thin.

And now that I'm on the fatter end, I say bullshit and shenanigans on myself.

I didn't realize until recently I still thought that clothes fit me better when I was thinner. Actually they didn't for the most part I had the exact same fit problems when I was a size 5-7 as I do now as a size 12-16.

Shit, there goes another mislabeled memory.

In other news.

I have a very big bug bite on the inside of my right thigh and it hurts a lot because it's right were half of it rubs against my other thigh when I walk and have doesn't.

And amusingly, I had the same thing happen when I was dundundun...thin. Yep.

Lately I am finding it entirely too amusing that the majority of my day to day gripes about my body are the exact same as they were when I was a wee tiny skinny lady.

And I can honestly say that for me thin was not better. Even the "optimum" weight my then doctor assigned me was not good for me at all.

Okay so this is not so fluffy or sexy but stay with me.

For me to maintain what she called a high but good weight for me at 135 pounds I had to do the following:

Strict 1600 calorie (or less) a day diet.
3 hour workouts 6 days a week.

Seems simple no? At the time I had a 2 hour commute to a full time job. So to add it up, I would wake up at 4 in the morning to do whatever exercise for two hours. Be out of the house and on the bus by 8. Usually skipped breakfast because I was too busy and tired. Get to work by 11. Get off of work at 7 PM. Eat dinner, depending on what I'd had for lunch determined what I would allow for dinner. 9 PM 1 more hour of exercise. Bathing, cleaning up etc usually took until about midnight or so. And if I was lucky I was in bed by about 1.

Think maybe I started to not feel good?

I absolutely did not feel good at all. Not only was I exhausted but my already not so great knees were hurting all the time, my back hurt all the time. And my skin looked like sheer hell.

But goddamn it just like my doctor told me my weight was usually between 135-140 or so. And as the BMI calculator will tell you, I was still right on the edge of overweight depending on how bloated I might be, constipated what have you.

All that "good work" and I felt like I wanted to die after about four months of that.

When I stopped and started gaining weight I felt so much better. I changed my exercise routine to something far more gentle and more enjoyable for me. And goddamn it when I was starting to get as one friend told me supposedly for my own good, "almost too fat" I felt just about the best I had in my life to that point.

The punchline again here was that the supposed norm and what everyone supposedly wants to be made me absolutely fucking miserable.

The reason this is in my head so much this week is that someone said something to me in passing about being thin and that being the epitome of greatness or some such poop. I really had take a minute (because that's how I roll) and reflect on the falseness of that particular slice of shit in the case of my life.

In other news back to the fluffy and let's talk about fashion for a wee moment.

I blame my best friend and Road Dawg Cookie for a newfound lust for wait for

I know right? What the HELL happened to me she is sapping my goth street cred.

I'm discovering pink actually looks really good and rich on me and I'm slowly moving along my former hatred of all things pink that weren't yanno, pussy.

Can I also say that I think it's hilarious that my taste in clothing is getting odder as I get older? I am tickled fucking pink about that.

OH before I forget.

I posted the following on Fatshionista last night:

Hello my fat homies.

I am a long time lover of Lip Service clothing and they have a poll up currently about what people would like to see. There are options in the poll to indicate more plus sizes.

I think Fat folks need to represent.

I recently wrote a whole big thing about their current plus sizing/line and you can see that in the community here. To see the size chart I am referring to see here.

I didn't even get into the fact that the sizing on the individual items doesn't even go with any of their listed sizing.

I had an all too brief email exchange with their CS people and haven't heard anything back. I really think they need to hear more about it.

I pointed their staff to this community and the Flickr community but I don't know if my yammering will make much of a difference. However a bunch of us giving some feedback would be awesome.

It's kind of difficult to actually find the plus size clothes so here is a link to their current three pieces.

I might be an aging goth but damn it I still want my kick ass clothes. Feel free to link this to your plus sized goth homies or other interested parties.

I got overexcited and forgot to link the poll here it is.

Hot DAMN all those votes that is fabulous. And I am super tired and feeling stupid but thanks. Especially those of you who are not on the goth side of the force. You are made of awesome and win.

I'm reposting it for my non lj reading homies.

And ZOMFG this is cool and has never happened before. Two people commented that they thought it was me because of my writing style. That. Is. Made. Of. Fucking. AWESOME!!!

Awesome. O squee'd so hard I almost pulled something.

And before I go, I've got three possible titles for my sexy times advice thingy. Also, I will probably do the form this weekend while I'm doing some other web type work.

Okay I'm spent. I've been watching a crapload of make up videos on youtube lately and if I can figure out how to do it myself I'd like to give a go at reviews.

So I love you guys.

I know I'm a dirty hippy but I totally do.

Happy 4th us homies.

Rest of the world, please hope I don't have to punch someone in the neck for being a drunken moron armed with fire.

Homo Out.

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