Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Can't brain today.

Not a lot of seriousness today. It's beautiful out and I am too annoyed with things not pertaining to anything aside from the number of absolute morons in the world to be able to do anything but sputter and foam round the mouth.

So I want to talk about stuff that makes me happy instead.

This is what I do in order to keep myself from going all SHANNON SMASH on people.

So some product reviews.

I've been using a Shick Intuition razor for awhile. They had them on sale with a full size Dove antiperspirant so I had Uniballer grab me one. We all know by now that I am no big fan of shaving. It's not a political thing I just can't be arsed to do it all that often. Also my skin is highly sensitive and will let me know in a violent red rashy way if it doesn't like something. If you haven't seen these it's a three bladed razor with a "moisturizing solid" around it.

I've had some trouble with razors in my armpits before because the way my chub is arranged in there I have a large dip when I raise my arms and the hair grows in several directions so if I shave the pits I almost always get razor burn like hell so for the last few years I've just used the clippers. The Intuition not only gave the pits a close shave but way fewer bumps and none of them hurt. Shocking. Also after a couple weeks of shaving twice during that time, no ingrowns.

On my legs was the real test though. Shaving is not among my many talents and I hardly ever get a smooth shave or manage to get all the areas. Using this razor is nice because the handle fits well in my hand and I feel like I have more control. It gives a lovely shave. My only gripe is it's fairly heavily scented which I don't care for but it's not too lingering.

So I may or may not spend the extra $$ to get the replacement heads those are kind of pricey but given that I use them lightly shouldn't be too bad.

Two thumbs up.

Okay I mentioned briefly before that I made another to Aromaleigh and I'm trying out my stuff one thing at a time. I picked up the "Indelible" Eyeliner Seal to hopefully replace my Avon Transforming custom liquid eyeliner stuff. OH. MY GOD I am so in love I proposed to it on Twitter.

Okay so I decided to do a really simple look. After getting my foundation on I used L'Oreal HIP Paint in Secretive all over my eyelid. Then used a Mac Teal pigment and my eyeliner brush. I used way too much eyeliner seal at first but I got the consistency right and it was perfect. Even better than the Avon stuff in my opinion. Not only do you get way more product but the Avon dried really slowly to me and that was annoying. I did a simple teal winged liner, used some random black pencil on my waterline and did some huge lashes and it's awesome.

So I am marrying Indelible Eyeliner Seal and we are going to live a long happy life together. I love bright liner and I hate buying liquid liners because the colors never pop like using a wet pigment so that is made of awesome and win.

I'll have to take pics when I get home because I forgot my camera and was scrambling to get out of the house on time because I straight up almost forgot to comb my hair.

How the fuck does that actually happen that you forget to comb your hair?

Next thing about my sex column. For some reason I keep entirely fucking up the code. Like horribly so and then to top that off I fucked up the program I use to generate the fucking code. Holy good lord sometimes I don't know what is wrong with my brain. In the meantime while I get my shit together. No wait back up for a minute.

I'm trying to make a nice official looking static page where I will have my few rules, the form to submit your question and probably some kind of other little goody like a photo of my boobs or something. However my coding skills lately have been made of fail and stuff. No serious fail.

Next thing I want to talk more about tattoos on fat bodies, in particular my fat body.

For years now I've heard many reason why people don't like tattoos so much, one of the ones that never ceases to make me giggle a little is the "what about when you get old?"

I personally am going to be one tattooed up little old lady. Like everything else on my body my tattoos are going to sag and fade and warp. Even if I didn't have tattoos when I am sagging and wrinkly, I'm still going to be saggy and wrinkly.

So when I am old and feel like getting gussied up to sexually harass people (because come on, you know its going to happen, I know it's going to happen) I will pull my tits up out of my socks and spend a little time admiring ink that I hope will bring back memories of why it's there and what I was feeling. Granted my tendency to not care what other people think of my appearance now I can't foresee me suddenly feeling self conscious when I'm 80. As I get older I care less.

When it comes to body mods my attitude is pretty simple. Yes my body is a temple, it is however a very temporary one in the grand scheme of things and I don't know about you folks but I like my temples adorned to the point of gaudy. Yes I do.

I also want to mark the fact that I am still alive, and went through this painful thing to wind up with something that makes me happy when I see it.

Barring any physical insanity I will be a round, tattooed, prone to outbursts of the Fbomb, wig wearing, tiara demanding little old lady. And I am looking forward to that.

In other fat news I've had some people say some really really fucking dumb things about fat to me lately.

I was on the bus talking to another fat lady and we were talking about some clothig item. Then she got off of the bus and this woman about my age gave me one of those pitying looks this is how our convo went.

Her: You know those last few pounds are so hard to lose. Once you lose a few more pounds you'll be a knockout.

Me: *Blink*I'm not losing weight. I'm pretty good how I am right now.

Her: Well if you lost about twenty pounds you'd get a man for sure.

Me: I don't really need another one.

Her: *Blink*Well you're not wearing a wedding ring and you've got such a pretty face. You'd be much prettier if you didn't have that thing *motioning to my labret.*

Me: *Big sigh, deep breath, don't yell don't yell don't yell* I like myself just the way I am. I think people who sublimate their own desires like that.

Her: *Huff, puff and she mysteriously found someone else to talk to.*

I will say I am very proud I didn't just tell her to fuck right off. I've been working on that.

However I really get tired of my assumed straightness. Even when I was going through my (very cute) young chubby baby butch phase even when I was blatantly hitting on girls everyone thought I was straight.

I finally have stopped wishing for world peace and just want people to stop assuming that they can know a goddamn thing about me just by looking at me.

While we're on the subject of assumptions let's talk about a few assumptions about fat people that do not pertain to me.

If you're fat, you must have diabetes, hypertension, be lazy, never workout cause yanno that's the ONLY reason people get fat.

Hypertension and diabetes runs on both sides of my family. I have a lot of relatives who were diagnosed with one or the other right around the age I am now. At my last full bore check up my BP was a tad high which the doctor wrote off as part of the panic attack I had. My blood sugar and likelihood of diabetes was about nil.

In fact she was so impressed I got a sticker.

The only real complaint that my doc had is due to the fact that I still smoke even though I have cut way WAY down on that. My cholesterol levels are good, very good for someone my age. Yadda yadda.

I could work out more but as my doctor and I both agree'd the benefits don't really outweigh the problems with my back knees neck and ankles.

All problems before I was ever all that fat.

So don't pull that bullshit out anywhere near me. You cannot know anything about my health from the current size of my ass.

Now for some links.

I am going to say I have a little bit of a girly crush on SugarButch. (Yes that's a queer link right there, not entirely work safe depending on where you work). The article on packing is excellent and the name, come on man. Sugar Butch. Say it outloud.

And LesbiaTopia. Again the name caught my eye but the journal is very interesting. Also the Pinup of the day here. Gave me a tingle in my special area.

Also awesome entry at FataleMedia today. Check it. Also holy shit I can't believe Bend Over Boyfriend is in it's 10th anniversary. I've had copies of it in one form or another since it came out. While I'm talking about porno I like. Hard Love and How to Fuck in High Heels is some HAWT motherfucking butch on femme action. A classic and totally awesome thing.

It's no secret that I have a serious serious weakness for butches. Young popped collar butches, older brush cut butches (strategic silver at the temples and a wicked smile will get me out of my pants in .02 seconds), and flavors of butches all in between. Frankly, a butch dyke is far more likely to send me into giggling, squirming waiting to get spanked space than anyone else. Dunno why it just is.

Add liquor into the mix and there could very well be lap sitting, snorgling and making out. Fair warning.

I was talking to a gay man I like a lot and he made me LOL hard. He said I go from cute femme to growly cub in seconds and it confuses him. I responded by asking him not to wake my inner Leather Daddy because I didn't have a cigar nor did I have on the right boots.

He laughed.

But that does kind of sum up rather neatly how my uh...(why am I drawing a blank here) mother fucker. I sat here for ten minutes trying to dredge the right phrase out of my brain and it's not happening. Fuck.

Too dumb for queer and gender theory today.

I couldn't even read my copy of the Decameron on the commute to work today. It doesn't help that it's a 1973 translation and the print is motherfucking tiny.

I am so done.

So work on the sex thing is kind of progressing about as quick as turtles fuck but I'm working on it. Picture reviews of Aromaleigh stuff is forthcoming.

Homo Out.


Lindsay said...

I totally hear you on the shaving thing. I have incredibly thin hair and uber sensitive skin, so shaving almost invariably means lots of little red bumpies. Especially on the legs. The 'pits aren't so bad.

I tend to shave the pits about once every month or so, because when the hair there gets long enough, the interaction of chub and hair equals pulled hairs equals painful. The legs get mowed once every six months or so, generally if i'm just really bored.

Two helpful tricks, both of which i learned from a friend of mine who was an "exotic dancer". First, if it's been a while since you've shaved, do it against the grain. Wait a day, then go against the grain. First day's kinda prickly, but it gives the skin time to adjust. Next day you give it some quick swipes and it's smooth and there's less chance of bumpybits. The other trick, is that if you just don't want to wait a day, shave against the grain and then slap some aftershave or other form of alcohol on it. Hurts like the blazes for a minute or three, then reduces to what she calls "a pleasant tingle". In her experience, that's the only thing that keeps her from getting razor rash/burn, and she's got thick hair like whoa.

Personally, i've always just taken her word on that last one. But uh, if you're feeling adventurous, there you have it.

Kitty said...

Ok, I've been lurking and reading your blog for a while (found it via the Fatosphere feed), but I have to come out of hiding and say how much I enjoy your writing and your attitude. And I love that you use the word "snorgle." You don't happen to read Cute Overload, do you?

It's awesome the way you handled the convo with the random advice-giver on the bus. It never ceases to amaze and disturb me how many people think it's acceptable to criticize other people, and they even believe they're doing you a favor by offering their "help." Bleh.

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