Monday, July 21, 2008

A Moment of Strife.

I am having one of those days.

I am frustrated with my body and I don't really know what to do.

I'm frustrated because I don't really feel good, in the general digestive system doesn't work so well kind of way which I hate.

Also, it's warm and lovely out but my joints hurt a lot and that makes me afraid.

I don't have fat days I have feeble days. I'm over tired and sore. I'm depressed because my body isn't doing what I think it should be doing and I'll probably be angry in a few hours.

This is what brings the self loathing and dissociation from my body. I hate that I feel this way and frankly there's fuck all I can do about it.

I do the things I'm "supposed" to that generally speaking are supposed to help my body not feel like this. But it gets difficult for me. I want to just say fuck it and eat things that will give me digestive distress, I want to go for those very long walks that I know will leave me hurting. I struggle with this a lot.

This is something I've struggled with for my whole life. I expect a lot from this fleshy vehicle I call a body. I depend on my body for my livelihood. If my body gets fucked up too badly, I have nobody to pick me up and take care of me. I have to work. I have to be at least upright.

Knowing that my life revolves around my body being functional is a frightening by product of being poor I believe. When you know if you don't work you are absolutely proper fucked you work anyway.

You work when you have a migraine, and when you have the shits, and when you have the flu.

Days like today my self esteem suffers horribly. I'd really rather have a "fat" day, which I don't generally. If I feel bigger for whatever reason I will say that I feel bloated, or puffy or whatever.

So yeah.

That is where I'm parked right now Fatosphere and the two other people who read this. I hurt, I'm tired and there's not fuck all to be done about it.

Due to this unplanned emotional and physical fuckery the next sex advice column is being put off until I feel better. I can't really answer your questions honestly and lovingly when i feel like this. That absolutely doesn't mean I don't want more. Keep them coming I actually do have some really wonderful ones to answer.

In other sexy times news I will probably do a post about some of the written erotica I love, some of my sex positive activist/advisor role models for those of you who don't get the angle I'm coming from here. And the aforementioned Half Nekkid Thursday.

Now some links, first from the Fatosphere.

Fatgrrl posted this
about a lovely fat lady in Britain getting down. Dancing I mean. It's a great clip. I also bust a move where ever the fuck I feel like it.

Also fuck Simon Cowell right in his fucking ear.

Great open thread from Rachel over at F-Words about antidepressants.

Love this Ask Aunt Fattie column here as answered by FillyJonk.

Dr Stacey posted yet another reason I dislike Calven Klein as a general rule. Ew. That's all I'm gonna say. Normally I am very into what you could call edgy fashion and photography and whatnot but that's just yeah ew.

Elsewhere in the vast list of blogs I subscribe to find:

Susie Bright posted an older article of hers on the history of race in porn. Specifically Black people and inter-racial porn. Good stuff read it here.

Violet Blue posted about being unpublished at BoingBoing. Also is watch the video. And can I just say the lipstick she's wearing in the video is fantastic?

The fantastic Trollop with a Laptop posted this little thing about loud shirts and that seriously made me love her a little. I too love some loud tacky shit. Okay add another name to the ever growing girlcrush list.

The other day Manwhore wrote about his first heartbreak. I liked it go read it here.

I just started reading this neat tattoo related blog called Needled. Tasty bits go look.

I think that's it from my enormous subscribed to blog list.

Homo Out.
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4 comments:

Wants a cracker said...

sending love and upbeat energy your way and thanks for telling it how it is.

love from polly people

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Twistie said...

I'm sending every well thought I can spare and some virtual pie to make you feel better. Take care, Nudemuse. I hope you're better soon.

Mary said...

I'm sorry - I have days like this too, where I struggle with stuff that sounds like what you're struggling with - and sometimes I say fuck it and eat the Cheetos anyway, on that note. My thoughts are with you! You give me so much with your blog - thans so much for it all.

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