I am not very comfortable and will probably unjoin.
The clear aesthetic is very thin, tall, white and the fairly ubiquitous ideals of what "hotness" are.
I am fat black and short.
I got this impression browsing the forums. Having a looksy at the photos and general um, internet ambiance.
Being that I don't frequent nor have I been to LA (until next week) in years and years is this what's going on these days? Or am I just having one of those days when presentations of the usual just aren't doing it for me aesthetically or intellectually?
I am there today.
Most of the sex blogs I read (and please this is not a insult to those bloggers or their tastes mmkay) are often visually about the same.
Give or take some piercings or boobage.
I don't know what it is exactly I'm trying to say here.
I wonder if there is room or desire for images of the extraordinary.
I feel like I'm reaching for something and there is the problem. I have an idea of what would thrill me but no idea where to go to find it.
VonLivid (who is smart and excellent) wrote this really interesting article about women of color in the fetish world.
This bit from the article struck a chord with me.
When I entered high school, Janet Jackson had just revealed herself to be a nipple-pierced, rubber catsuit-clad kink kitten on her album The Velvet Rope, and I envied her.
I am a little older than she is I believe. But I entirely feel somewhere in my wee black heart I know that feeling and that envy.
For years and years I was often the odd girl in the crowd. The only brown face at a show or event, or with a lot of other brown folks but the only one wearing bondage pants. You get my drift. So as I began to explore and then finally learned to fly my freak flag proudly a whole other issue came up.
Unlike VonLivid who is tall and modely gorgeous. I am not. Even when there was no issue of color in my circles there was often the discomfort of being the fat one.
Or when I was thin (and very very thin) I still did not have that archtypical body that is presented in kink circles.
On one hand, there were the people I frolicked with who were like me. Stretch marks, saggy boobs, hairy buttcracks etc. And the fetish art I was into at the time, was just about as diverse.
Then move ahead a few years and I found the internet.
You'd think there would be a plethora of this kind of beautiful diversity.
I'm talking about high quality beautiful images.
Mostly when I do stumble on something that gives me a visual happy it's a hometown photographer, or some other photographer I stumble on.
I used to frequent a (then) well known scene gossip site and you would think that any model or scene figure over a size 8 (being generous there) killed everyones puppies. Or did some other personal damage.
And a lot of that was aimed at women who were not even at all fat.
As someone who's mostly lived the freaky life in private, that kind of applauded attitude makes me think twice (or thrice) about joining, taking part in or otherwise engaging.
Locally I've heard that the scene is not like that. That's great but still.
It's a daunting thing.
Which I don't expect those who fit in the parameters to really get it and that's OK.
It's such a strange feeling for me to be so angsty about representation. I'm not sure what my deal with that is exactly. Aside from yanno I like things that give me a tingle in my special place.
In other less cranky news.
I am SO excited to go on vacation.
I cannot wait to See My Cookie.
Also I seriously have a crush on Arlan.
Anyway homo Out.