Thursday, October 30, 2008

Procrastination Station.

I've been working on a couple of different projects non blog associated and am exhausted. However entirely amused.

This comment on my last entry cracks me up:

Anonymous has left a new comment on your post "No really this is not okay.":

want some cheese with that whine? quit your bitchin about shitty health care already. put down the fork, pick up a pair of walking shoes, and just go out and enjoy life without whining.

yours truly,


Dear God,
Given your all seeing ways should I up my daily amount of walking in my walking shoes to what 7-8 miles? Also wow you are a caring loving God and I do hope all your children are thin healthy perfection.

I don't know why those things give me such a giggle.

I always wonder am I supposed to get upset and fall on the floor wailing?

Am I supposed to see the light and commence starvation and self hatred because random somebody says so?

Mmm yeah okay that's gonna happen. And if you said something like that to my face, the preceding sentence would be delivered dead pan. Or close to it but with the eyebrow raise.

In other amusing news I have a really old yahoo email address that I hardly use anymore but keep around for nostalgia's sake. I got an email from somebody who's been offline for something like four years or so who had the very first piece of porn I wrote that someone bought.

She wrote to let me know she still kept the story even after the site shut down and she wanted to know if I'd put out books or anything. It was the sweetest thing.

I had an interesting conversation with a Bus Buddy today on my way in to work.

We were talking about exercise and I mentioned how stoked I am about getting greenlighted to dance again. Her response was the fairly typical Oh you're going to lose weight. I explained that I want to dance because it brings me joy, weightloss if any happens is pretty incidental and I don't really care.

She looked so puzzled.

She has no concept of doing something physical for any other reason than you're "supposed" to. She works out a lot and as I found out today absolutely loathes it. She said it actually tends to make her feel worse because she has to work so hard to stay thin.

That made me so sad.

I wish I could explain the pained look on her face. I asked if she'd been fat when she was younger and she hadn't but, she's really taken the thin=healthy=the only way to be an acceptable human thing to heart and it hurt my heart to hear it.

I talked to her a little about HAES and gave her a few links to look at. I really hate to see people that miserable. Especially when at least in her case the payoff isn't that fantastic.

Have a good thought for her if you please. I think she needs it.

There was a happy moment, we bonded over our mutual hatred of yoga. She hates it because she is not flexible pretty much at all after doing yoga for years and just suffering through it.

I hate it because I don't like suffocating on my own boobs (someone else's is fine but my own is no fun) and I can't relax while the whole time I'm thinking "I hate this I hate this GODDAMN IT my boobs etc".

She also expressed a little bit of a shy want to learn how to dance. That made me happy. I love to dance in any way shape or form and have my entire life. I told her if she does want to we can figure out a way to maybe take a class together in the Spring or Summer.

MMm what else?

OH I have decided on my next tattoo, it's going to be a bit of a Charles Bukowski poem but the way I designed it in photoshop it won't fit on my inner right biceps. My arm is just not big enough and I had a moment of upset over that. I've found a few local tattoo artists who's text I like and I will probably take it around to a few places to see if I can get someone who can size it and have it retain the look that I'm after.

My skin takes and holds ink beautifully so I'm really looking forward to it. Even the tattoo on my back with the slightly not big enough text is still crisp and lovely and I've had that one for- holy shit it's been about ten years. Wow.

Actually longer than that. I've had my lip ring for ten years this coming March around my birthday. And I got my tattoo at least a year before that if not more.

I'm also having a little bit of a pants issue again.

With my slightly increased walking (I take the longer route to my bus stop lately because my knees have been better and I enjoy it) I noticed that I seem to have an easier time if I don't wear my one pair of sneakers which feels stupid to me. Why do my feet prefer Docs over sneakers for walking?

I know I'm all over the place today.

Back to the exercise thing I was doing some poking about, looking for another good sports bra (DD's and hip shimmies don't always play nice) and I saw the funniest sports bra review ever. I wish I would have noted the link but it just cracked me up.

A lady identified runner said about one bra that it was so bad she managed to make her B's bounce like DD's.

I don't know why it made me laugh so much it just did. Maybe it was the visual I tend to have very visual images in my head when I read things and that just tickled me.

Now for some links.

Ravenous Romance is having a Twitterotica contest. See details here. I might send something in that looks like fun.

I will be having a piece up over at M. Christian's blog Frequently Felt*. If you like erotic fiction I suggest you check it out he posts some really tasty work.

Learn a new language for free. I haven't entirely checked out this website but hear some good things. I really want to learn to Russian.

I've been learning the art of Flash Fiction and read a lot of it at this website.

There is some really great stuff there.

Femme Fatale media has a great Ask Fanny column up.

Circlet Press has a super adorable entry full of the Cats of Circlet Press up. Go look cute kitties abound.

Okay I think that's it.

I really have serious work editing and whatnot to be doing.

Homo Out.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

No really this is not okay.

I was just reading this entry by Lindley and okay.

Luckily for Lindley she has been able to find appropriate medical care. And for that I'm very glad.

What strikes me though is the why is it okay for doctors to treat people this way?

Recently on my friendslist on LJ I was reading about a black woman who when she went to the doctor was given extremely shoddy treatment. Her treatment was something I've experienced.

As a young woman I went to a clinic to get my yearly crotch examination and was treated as if I was a.) lying about everything I said and b.) clearly not cognizant enough of my own medical history to answer any of said questions.

Now, my white clearly middle class girlfriend (yes that kind of girlfriend) saw the same doctor about five minutes after I did and got nothing but praise for how cognizant she was of her own medical situation.

How is that ok?

It hasn't been updated in awhile but go read some of the stories at First Do No Harm.

How is that ok?

This is one of those points of Fat Acceptance I personally will not waver on no matter what anyone says.

Inappropriate health care, low quality health care, shitty treatment is not acceptable for anyone. Fat, thin, rich, poor, white, black whatever.

It is not fucking ok.

Personally I do understand that a doctor may or may not bring up my weight, I expect that because doctors do that. What I do not expect or accept is dismissing anything else going on in favor of quick weight loss. Any decent doctor should be well aware that as I've said time and again there are some ailments that are not going to get better if you magically shed fifty pounds.

For instance (this is taken from my own experience)

I went to the doctor a couple of years ago because I had an ear infection. I have gotten ear infections my entire life and was worried because it felt deep and was far more painful than any one I've had in the last say ten years.

I got there and instead of actually looking in my ear, my then doctor proceeded to lecture me about my eating habits, and the fact that I'd stopped exercising.

What she failed to ask me is how I was eating at the time, she did not check my actual blood pressure results or recent blood work *which was pretty goddamn good, I had changed my diet to avoid gastric distress and in the process lowered my bp which was awesome though it wasn't too high to begin with*, she also failed to ask why I had stopped exercising.

Now if she'd taken two minutes to actually look at my chart before launching into "YOUS GUNNA DIE FATASS" she'd see that I'd not even three weeks before fallen down some stairs and pinched a nerve in my neck and her nurse practitioner had told me to take it easy on activity. It was in my chart I checked.

So I sat there being lectured and spoken to like I was a recalcitrant toddler, while my ear was hurting so bad. By the time she let me actually tell her what my problem was I was pretty close to blowing chunks all over the exam room due to vertigo and infectious matter draining out of my ear down the back of my throat.

Come to find out not only did I have an ear infection but I had a sinus infection as well and was in pretty serious pain combined with fever and vertigo.

This did not happen because I had gained ten pounds or because I apparently looked like I was going to keel over like a victim of diseases I don't have nor do I have any indication of having.

That is not appropriate.

I made damn sure to write to both my insurance company and her office using notes made by her staff from my file about what a shitty job they were doing at competent compassionate (which were both buzzwords in their little doctor statement thing they had posted in their office).

Things like that have happened to me way more often than is necessary.

And it is not ok.

For a few years I just didn't go to the doctor at all. I suffered through injuries, sickness etc because while already feeling like shit you don't need to be condescended to and kicked in the fucking nuts.

My current doctor is actually pretty good. My last visit went something like this.

Doc: You've lost ten pounds was that on purpose?
Me: Not really. Blablabla about some digestive issues etc, more walking.
Doc: Do you want help losing weight?
Me: Nope.
Doc: Okay. now can we discuss your knees..

She went on to tell me after she asked about my activity levels (she is a wee tiny thin lady and when I showed her my printed out pedometer logs for about 2 months she said "Wow you walk a whole lot your calves must be made of steel" she squeezed them and admired their muscly goodness, it was funny). But she did tell me to slow down with the activity and I was barred from belly dancing for awhile.

And I obeyed because unlike when I was younger I value my future mobility more than I value having a tight ass right now.

I have since spoken with the doc and I have been green lighted to start dancing twice a week again.


This is awesome and I am starting this weekend. Restarting rather. I'm going back to Amira's 101 because I really love how she teaches and I can follow her pretty easily.

And hopefully by Christmas time I will be back up to doing Modern Tribal Bellydance with Asharah also pls not to be wanking about the use of the word tribal here. It's not my fault I didn't make it up.

I am excited for that.

Hopefully *fingers crossed* I will get the go ahead to take classes in the Spring providing I don't hurt myself or my knees don't degenerate further.

Eventually I would really like to be able to perform I think that would be the shit.

In other news I put another entry up over at The Chicken. Love it it is awesome.


I think I am spent I have delicious coffee in my press waiting to be consumed.

I also think I need some oatmeal even though what I really want is pho.

Homo Out.


Monday, October 27, 2008

Amusing tidbits from my life.

On the heels of my compliment entry I experienced several compliments that made me go awwwwww you are awesome and several that made me stare with that WUT kind of look, and one that straight up pissed me right the fuck off.

Of the first variety a very adorable emo boy who said that my eye make up looks like candy.


Of the oh wait what, WHAT factor some dude that I assume was trying to hit on me asked me first if I was "one of those weird witch types" when I gave him the raised eyebrow he clarified by saying, "Cause you wear all that black". Um wut?

And the last one.

I got a note via Flickr that said:

"For a black girl you're kind of hot."

Okay yeah fuck off.

I just deleted it, I am absolutely not in the mood to be the Educating Negress today.

Any time a compliment is preceded by a qualifier that indicates to me that I am somehow extra super special just irritates me.

Frankly that's a power trip and I'm not playing.

In other news.

This coming New Year I am going to wrap my fatness in some fabulous fetishy wear and go to the Seattle Erotic Arts Festival festivities. There is usually at least one fancy party and I sort of know some folks who go and I want to go. Uniballer has been warned.

While I'm looking for outfits I'm forced to face several things.

What I like and want I don't want to overpay for shit that's clearly shoddy and made by someone who only knows how to design for a very tall, no hips, small busted body. That will not work for me.

I am also faced by the daunting task of trying to make myself something.

So currently I'm going to probably pick up a plain black overbust corset and a fluffy petticoat, then make the rest.

What's also daunting is that I realized just how sad and non existant my club goth wardrobe is and that's really sad to me. I hate that a few years of hardship completely demolished a part of my life I enjoyed.

what I mean by that is that I had to get rid of some of my fancy clothes and shoes. I hate that. I hate that I have to start again and then plan because I live in the fucking hinterlands.

So yeah.

What I'm not worried about right now is my body.

Yes I will be there looking fat and sassy as a motherfucker.

Will I be the fattest chick there? I have no idea. I don't care.

Will I have my ham out? Hells yeah I will.

In other news.

I am doing HNT again this week but have yet to take a photo.

But I do have a fotd.

My sexy ass nails.

Sally Hansen Hard as Nails X-treme wear in Blue It. Just one coat and it looks freaking awesome. I also picked up Crush which is an excellent shade of orange.


Okay I am going to have dinner and try to do some editing without tears.

Homo Out.

Oh yes also a look for The Chicken.


Thursday, October 23, 2008

On Compliments and other things.

One commenter awhile back indicated she doesn't like people commenting on her appearance. (Not exact quote there but I can't find the comment in my email).

I was thinking about it and compliments are something I talk about sometimes so here's some thoughts.

There was a time I reacted very negatively when anyone commented on my appearance for any reason. I did not want anyone thinking they had any business talking about anything having to do with my appearance because I am not a decoration.

I felt that way until an older gent stopped on the sidewalk and told me he thought I looked very pretty that day. I didn't know him and responded kind of snarkily that I wasn't there for him to look at and he frowned at me. Told me that he changed his mind because I was nasty. His feelings were actually kind of hurt.

That got me thinking about it.

These days I look at it this way. Your random dude or dudette walking down the street knows nothing about you. Not your name or that you have a big dead sexy brain, or that you're an awesome person with a heart of shiny gold. All they know is maybe something about you gives them a visual happy. Maybe it's the way your hair curls at your cheek, your pretty skin, your kickass outfit, your perfectly gorgeous eyes whatever.

Now this person has no idea about you and maybe they just want to strike up conversation. Or something else about you makes them want to know you, or they think your fashion sense is awesome and want to know where you shop. I don't think this is a negative thing.

The human animal is a curious critter and sometimes a social one. And some people are plain nice and want to make sure people at large hear once in awhile that something about them is cool.

From the standpoint of random person on the street, I think a compliment is okay. And from a personal standpoint, regardless of how you feel about your appearance sometimes it's nice to hear another human who doesn't know you tell you, hey you're awesome.

I personally don't expect random folks on the street to walk up and ask me my opinions on something intellectual. Frankly that can be astonishing awkward and weird. Sometimes a run by compliment is just that, occasionally it can be an awesome way to make a new friend.

Next bit about compliments is how to give them without being creepy or weird.

For boys and girls so pay attention.

Good things to say to people while you're walking down the street:

"You're gorgeous."

Then keep on stepping.

"You have great hair/eyebrows/style/eyes/make up/skin/hat/shoes/pants/what have you."

Keep on stepping.

The key to giving a non creepy compliment is to not linger or get in someone's face. Smile at them. Don't be fake. Don't give one if you don't mean it. Don't think that person owes you their time, consideration or even complete attention. Don't be annoying and try to walk with them.

See where I'm going here?

And if you are getting the compliment but don't like compliments pretty please don't take it out on strangers. They don't know you, they have no way to judge beforehand that they might be doing something you don't like.

Remember, if someone is being nice to you there's not a whole lot of good reasons not to give it right back.

I am a huge believer in putting out little bits of awesome in the world. I think the world is a mean enough place and sometimes it's just nice to be nice to people.

Personally a lot of the time I give compliments because it makes me feel good. It makes me feel tingly in my happy brain when I can make someone smile or laugh. Matter of fact sometimes that is the most awesome thing ever.


I tihnk that's all I am having a really not great makes me want to yank out my uterus kind of period and I don't feel good and I'm spacy.

Homo Out. the above to mean that there will be fluff and probably not a lot of serious content until I feel a little less OMGOMGOMGAHOMGOMG.


Wednesday, October 22, 2008

7 Random things and my first HNT.

Okay I don't remember who tagged me but here we go.

1.) It is mine and Uniballer's fifth anniversary. This is pretty awesome.

2.) Part of the good bits of our relationship is that I can tell Uniballer my stupid poop jokes, fart on him (and I seriously sometimes have Ass Gas of Doom) and he still loves me.

3.) I have a terrible terrible love of ugly things. Especially those ugly stuffed animals you get out of the crane game. Uniballer likes to get me these and I squee everytime.

4.) I am a little..okay a lot obsessed with postcards. The kind you mail, the kind you get outside of art galleries, show flyers, etc. I love them.

5.) Sometimes I laugh so hard I snort and weep. I do this a lot.

6.) I like having my butt literally as in lips on skin kissed. Right on the buttcheeks.

7.) I also sometimes really enjoy putting my boobs on peoples heads.

that's about all.

I have cramps and I'm so cranky.

So my HNT.


HNT is fun. Do it. Click on the button thingy and I believe you can see what it's all about.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

But no wait what?

Okay I'm not quite as well as I thought I was.

I'm working 6 days this week and I'm already tuckered out.

But in awesome news I finally did a post over at Make up Chicken. Go look.

Not so awesome is that Uniballer bought be a bag full of hair toys and I frigging broke one. Rather my hair ate it.

It was this cute circle ponytail thingy and my hair went OM NOMNOM NOM HA try again bitch.

That is a convo that happens between me and my hair quite often. It's not uber long yet but it is very very thick and likes to NOM decorations it finds lacking.

So the stuff that's not big enough I might gather up and make a wee goodybag for someone with hair not as thick as mine.

In odd news I think I've lost another five or so pounds. And I'm not sure how I feel about that. I bought jeans at the thrift store (which I'll post the OOTD featuring all thrifted stuff when Uniballer gets the pics off of the camera) that were a smidge too tight when I bought them, and today they are looser than they should be.

I am also 5 precious dollars and two days away from getting new shoes. They are Dansko's on Ebay and no I'm not showing them because I'm paranoid and I don't want to get bid sniped. Do you have any idea how truly awesome for me it would be to have amazing quality shoes for non rainy winter days?

The nicest shoes I own currently are my knee high burgundy doc marten boots. I bought them a couple of years ago with money I'd saved for about three months all together and I just happened on a HUGE blowout sale and got them for about 80 bucks with shipping.

When you are poor, things that are seemingly simple like shoes you like that don't let your feet get wet, last and are comfortable is a huge deal. More so when you have something really quality within your grasp.

I am still on the hunt for one or two more pairs of pants. My want is pretty simple but apparently hard to fulfill. Bootcut plain black pants that are not jeans.

No ridiculously low rise because I don't like my ass crack hanging out.

No hugely high rise because I hate waistbands digging into my fucking diaphragm.

I will probably make another thrift store run at our local Value Village because they had some really nice stuff I just didn't feel like trying on because it was hot and crowded in there.

I am thinking about giving some Old Navy pants I saw a whirl. But I am unsure about the rise. If it's as low as I think it might be, I will need a size up I think. But then they will be too big in the hips. And quote possibly the ass.

The only other thing I absolutely need right now is new glasses.

I've been wearing contacts for years and I'm kind of over it for now. I found some black framed vaguely retro glasses online that I am going to order as soon as the fax of my rx comes in.

After those things are done I will probably still cruise for shirts because I don't think you can ever really have enough. And continue my eagle eye for hot deals on the internets.

I was just reading one of those "OMG MY SPOUSE TO BE IS FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT NOW" things and wow.

What almost always makes me laugh and shake my head is that the first thing out of people's mouths is "but I'm not attracted/don't want sex from them/etc" then the oh yeah and I worry about their health too.

This is one of those things that I tend to wonder (and how often to people answer truly honestly) how concerned and worried about someone's health you are if the first thing that pops out of your mouth is an issue with their appearance?

Notice here I'm not saying it's right or wrong or whatever. I'm sure someone in the big blue nowhere will get that, but that's not my issue here. I don't pretend to put a label on other peoples emotion.

What I wonder about is how honest people are about these things?

I've heard people say some things on this issue that astound me.

A girl I was friends with for a very long time was a long sufferer of disordered eating. She met a guy when she was quite ill and doing a lot of restricting and binging via exercise, when she decided to get healthy she did yes gain a lot of weight.

At first boyfriend was happy because she was recovered but, told me on numerous occasions that he didn't like how big she'd gotten.

It got to the point that he was getting frankly mean and abusive.

I don't think that's ok.

Nor do I think that badgering, belittling or generally being cruel to someone you supposedly love is in fact a loving thing to do.

I know it's far more difficult to be kind and make a serious effort to be mindful about the effects of your words on your loved ones.

What advice would I give?

I would ask first that original question I had. Is it looks or health? Then I'd advise taking some time to as the saying goes get your mind right.

The fact is even if you are married to someone they don't owe it to you to remain exactly the same. Not what people want to hear but it's the truth.

Aside from that if someone is already having self esteem issues, being a dick isn't going to help the situation. No matter how you frame it, tough love, being firm or what have you. Chances are whatever is going on with your loved one is going to get worse if you're an ass about it.

Rather than focusing on OMG YER FAT NOW why not ask if your loved one is ok? Are they happy? If you love someone and are really worried why not bring down the mean a notch and just say, I love you and I'm really worried about you?

None of these things is a guarantee that you will get the answer you might want. If your spouse or lover is perfectly happy the way they are, you'll have to deal with it. You might be pissed off but why be pissed about someone loving themselves?

I dunno.

Maybe I'm talking out of my ass.

Probably am because I personally have never taken issue with a lover or partners body that way and can't imagine demanding that they change their appearance to suit my whims. That just seems weird to me. It's just not my bag baby.

If I am in love with someone, I am in it to win it you know? Your ass got fat? Awesome let me smack it. Lose the booty? Awesome let me smack it.

this goes along with my whole I don't have a type thing. I like all kinds of types. I have been into som pale tall skinny no boob having ladies. I've been into some tall not so pale wee tiny ass having dudes.

In my world view it's all good.

I think I'm done.

Tired now.

I got tagged for that 7 random things meme but I'll do it tomorrow because I have actual stories for you.

Okay laters hotnesses.

Homo Out.


Sunday, October 19, 2008

I live.

So I was sick and now I'm better. It started with what I thought was an allergy thing that turned into a nose/ear/throat thing.

First thing.

After a "friend" who I am deciding about speaking to again read my entry from last week Revelatory. Her first impulse was one of those back handed "Oh that's sooooo neat you can love yourself." Implying of course that it's somehow weird and astonishing that I do in fact love my fatass.

Then after me telling her I really wasn't in the mood to discuss it with her because I didn't feel well she sends me this email telling me all about how much better I'll feel and how much happier and wonderful I'll be if I go on her Drink Unicorn Pee and Snort Glitter diet.

To be fair before I ripped her an electronic new one I went and did some reading about her apparent miracle diet.


It was quite simply starve yourself, drink some shit, starve some more, drink some more shit and presto chango you are instantly feeling wonderful and beautiful yadda yadda.

I told her quite pointedly that I a.) am not interested in starving myself because I've been there done that, having blood sugar crashes makes me really angry and b.) because I am fine the way I am. I also reminded her not so gently that if she bought the information she misspent her money and that the same information and some information about the dangers of this miracle diet are all over the internet. And I am just not into it.

As I told her.

If you're an asshole when you're fat chances are you'll still be an asshole when your not. Just saying.

I really hate when I am polite about my disinterest in bashing my body, losing weight etc and people respond with that kind of blind BUT I KNOW BETTER attitude.

I am similarly disinterested in people telling me that anything that might be wrong with me on a given day is because I am fat.

I did not get the flu because I'm fat. I got it because people don't cover their mouths when they cough in my vicinity and someone got their fucking germs on me.

Clearly I am still a little aggro today because my ears are still plugged up and because people get on my fucking nerves.

Yes more FBombs dropped.

Okay to mitigate some of my aggro some links shall we? This is mostly some rampant girl love. And not entirely safe for work.

Essin 'Em. I have been reading her for awhile and I dig her. A lot.

I have probably mentioned this lady as well but I love me some Audacia Ray. I enjoy her writing style and the things she talks about. Always a bright spot in my reader.

I also love me some Alison Tyler. She frequently makes me giggle and who doesn't love that? Also some of her books=win.

Tasty Trixie. She makes porn, she has a hot lady and her boobs look kind of like mine in a different color. What more could I ask for?

I also enjoy BelleDame a lot.

And some local love FatGirl Femme. She has fabulous taste in shoes and as soon as my schedule is not made of flu virus or fail she will be my homie. Also if I might say so girl has some fabulous legs. Just sayin.

And last but not least Curvaceous Dee. One of my commenters turned me onto her blog and I would like to put my face on her boobs and talk about skin. I know don't ask.

While I'm talking about Ms. Dee, I must say that she's one of the reasons I've been considering doing some HNT posts. Mine will probably be of the less explicit variety. I don't think I'm quite ready for flashing my nipples and/or crotchal area on the intertubes.

Although I will tell you guys a secret I do know that there is at least one totally topless picture of me on the internet. There is also at least two of my panty covered (lace edged red mesh panties over fishnets if you want details) of me on the internet as well.

Very occasionally I get a shocked email from a friend saying they just randomly found my boobs on google and it makes me giggle.


Oh do you have links to recommend to me? I do love reading blogs. I love seeing a slice into a life that isn't my own.

Oi now if you'll excuse me, my sinus area is filling with grossness and I need to get it out and take some daytime drugs.

Homo Out.

OH PS...I believe you know who you are but you're getting a book. pfunkem baby send me your snail mail address with the ask nudiemuse button and you will be getting some mail next week.

Now really laters taters.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008


I had an interesting conversation not too long ago that has me thinking.

We were talking about our bodies and some of the insanity they have wrought on us and I mentioned rather passingly that I really prefer not to be all that much thinner than I am right now. And I absolutely hated being very thin.

It took her a few minutes to absorb that then she came back to it and was shocked.

Granted she's known me for quite awhile. I've been known to send her obscene emails and text messages, ASCII porn but that was the first time she's ever expressed shock at something I've said.

I explained a little and our conversation went on but later I got to thinking about it.

At 31 years old I have been very thin (between 98-110 pounds about a size 5 or so) moderately thin (call it, size 7-ish), my "ideal" weight 120-130-ish and a size 8-10, a little chunkier 145ish 10-12 and now smaller fat at a size 12-16 depending. I don't know how much I weight. I've also been bigger. I believe years ago I was more an 18-20 but I don't know really because I was recovering from surgery and not wearing anything fitted or taking my measurements.

So I've spent some physical time in all these bodies. All in this body. Stay with me.

When I was doing everything "right" I hated my body. Not in an abstract general kind of way it was deep visceral and painful.

For started when I was very thin, my boobs didn't really shrink much. So I went from being fairly balanced to ginormous tits on a tiny body which was not hot to me. Also I have big wide shoulders and some big hips. And that doesn't change all that much when the flesh around them shrinks.

This was not win and I really for the first time as an adult felt just ugly. I was entirely convinced I would never date again and would wind up alone forever.

Also my diet was supposedly super fantastic but, I was quick to discover that vegetarianism does not work for my body. So I got back on the omnivore wagon and started to gain some more weight, I got up to about a size 9 or so and kind of liked my body a bit better. On the plus side I wasn't sick anymore which was great.

On the flip side though the hours and hours of serious exercise was taking a really terrible toll.

My already not great joints started to complain. There was a point when (and this is what made me finally go to a doctor who knew what they were doing) I was having to ice my knees almost all day and immediately after exercising. Along with the wraps and whatnot around my actual knees.

It was not great.

I was quite devastated when I was informed that I should stop almost entirely.

Fast forward a few years and here I am.

31 years old. I believe I'm just on the chunky side of average for American women. I think.

And I'm pretty damn satisfied.

Admittedly sometimes I do wish I was all round smaller and that I had different proportions. Mainly for clothes shopping purposes. But in the main I'm good.

It is Love your Body Day (which was kind of my point here) and god damn it.

I Love. My. Body.

At this stage in life I really don't care if someone else thinks I'm hot, gross, weird, or what.

The key to this I think has come in the realization that I do not owe it to anyone to be any certain way.

Also and this is maybe a bit juvenile of me but, loving myself as I am, cellulite, stretch marks, big ass hams, jiggy in spots is a big ole fuck you to a lot of people.

Let's be real ok?

I think a lot of us have encountered people who are pissed that we love ourselves without losing weight or going for a "new" body. I have experienced rage on the part of other people because I dig myself as is and I don't really care to engage in what if's, or if only's.

Fuck that.

And I think I will still love myself when I've got to go to PT every day or when I am finally told officially not to wear heels, not to run, not to dance, and that the pain is going to get worse and last longer.

Okay soooo I have a super exciting announcement to make.

The lovely Rotund has asked me to be a coblogger with her over at "Don't be a Make Up Chicken."

Say it with me...aweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesome.

We will be squee'ing about make up, doing reviews, talking about the politics of make up. And since I'll be there you all know I have things to say regarding race and make up.

I am really excited about this because a.) we all know I am a beauty fanatic. b.) It's an honor to be asked to join in on writerly stuff. c.) I am now officially a beauty blogger and this is made of the awesome.

So when I do tutorials or whatnot I will be doing them there more often. The beauty stuff will still be here too so don't fret.

Also awesome I am currently glasses shopping. I am going to order them online so I'll tell you guys all about it. But finding that perfect pair is proving difficult.

And I have some money so I am going to be doing some more awesome thrifting.

Also I have an entry brewing that was sparked by something Lindsay said but my brain is full of snot and squeeing. And a fiction story I would really like to finish before my head explodes.

Love Peace and go have a wank tonight.

Homo Out.


Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Thankful list.

I'm in a strange mood today. I don't really know how to explain it really so a list of things I'm thankful for.

1.) That there are a lot more people who are really concerned about other people and not just pretending. I think that is awesome and it makes me feel nice when the nihilism and misanthropy come knocking. Also tied into that, I know via the internet and other means more people who are awesome than people who suck.

2.) I am also thankful for places like Healthy Textures and LHCF. Because of the women in these places my hair is luxurious and beautiful. And I have gotten it to this point by myself without a stylist or horde of stylists. And this is awesome.

3.) Being given random nice things. This is really wonderful.

4.) Books. I really love books. Love them a lot.

5.) Awesome tea. I am not only a coffee snob but I am a tea lover as well. And I can't always afford the fancy teas I like but, Uniballer went and picked me up some of the Safeway Select fancy teas and they are delicious.

6.) Sally beauty supply club card. I love beauty supply stores and their discount card is one of few I would pay for because it wound up paying for itself. However trying to figure out how to renew it online is daunting.

7.) Also grateful for OTC pain meds. No really I am.

Wow I am really tired.

So I think I'm about done.

However I do have some exciting stuff to talk about soon like.

Also the NYT is kind of awesome sometimes.

Homo Out.

Monday, October 13, 2008

Oh silky silky now.

My hair is silky and amazing today.

Also thank you for your well wishes. It's kind of a relatively new thing that I am as open as I am about pain when I am having it and it's difficult for me and thank you for being kind.

I am fresh out of serious so I've been looking for my holiday party outfit.

Here's the thing.

Where I work we have a kick ass holiday party and I like to look hot.

Last year I wore a fantastic halter dress purchased at Fatshionista and thsi year I think I want something a little different.

I was thinking some sexy black slacks, wedge heels, waist cincher and dandy velvety goth jacket.

I'm going to put out the call over at LJ but I have these styles in mind as well.

This elegant gothic aristocrat style from Fan+Friend. I love the detailing on that and you can get it custom sized which is very important to me otherwise I'd just buy one from Frederick's.

I'm also really into this Pink Label Corset place. I was poking around their online catalog and some of the custom skirts they do are frickin adorable. The other thing I like about them on sight is their free custom sizing. That is awesome.

Not so awesome is that (okay self deep breath) I think I might have to cut out some of my recreational/fitness walking and that really really sucks.

Really sucks.

I enjoy getting in some walking before being on a bus then having to be inside a building all day. But on the other hand my knees, back etc have just been too crabby for it and I hate hurting all day.

The part I'm finding really hard right now is deciding what I can go without and what I really don't want to give up.

Would I be okay going dancing once every couple of weeks and being in pain the next day?

I think this Fall and Winter I am in for some growing pains.

For instance.

My financial situation is actually kind of stable. More than kind of it's pretty good and it's really difficult for me to parse.

I realize that I can in fact buy new shoes that aren't on super clearance, and they are the shoes I want. And it's not going to be the end of the world.

But it's still weird and kind of painful in a way.

Having nice things is still a weird thing for me. On one hand I love occasionally getting nice things but on the other I almost always instantly think of how many meals that is, that whatever cost is x amount of another bill. And then I feel guilty and I get crabby.

I suppose if you've never been really half starved poor you might not get it.

Also I think I'm about done with my anti FA reading.

Frankly it's boring to me.

I can only ingest so much what smacks to me all to often of plain hatefulness, and lack of any kind of decency before I'm over it.

And I'm over it.

There was a time when I'd have frothed and foamed at the mouth about it for days but right now. Nope.

I can't really work up some ire.

At best I can work up some sadness about what humans being like to do to each other and whatnot but yeah.

Currently I'm more interested in the original reasons I ever stumbled into the Fatosphere.

I want to show you (yes you, you right there, and please hands out of your pants) that I'm probably just like you. And that's ok.

You're perfect.

I'm pretty damn perfect.

And I'm astonishingly human.

So are you.

And that's great.

So to reiterate things I said a very long time ago.

You're welcome here. Lurk, read, fap, comment do what moves you.
If you do want to comment feel free to do so anonymously.
If you really need to troll, flame etc go ahead. However do be aware that I will probably not be nice about it, I save comments so even if you erase it I still saw what you did there.
Be aware that if you say something I think is fucked up, no matter what else we might agree on I will call you on it.
I don't generally delete comments. I believe the only ones I've deleted ever were obvious Viagra flavored spam.

OH and this reminds me.

Can any of you my fat homies tell me about how well Spreadshirt shirts fit if you have had any?

I ask because I still have some kick ass tshirt designs and I don't care for cafe press and am looking into other options that won't cost me money initially.

I'll probably ask over at fatshionista tomorrow.

I think that's all for now. I am going to ingest some fantastic cocoa and plot winter shoes.

Also, I love you guys. I really do.

Homo Out.

Meme and whatnot.

It's almost one in the morning and I am sitting here buck naked, catching up on some of the blogs I've missed reading of late.

I am pretty in love with myself right this instant.

I flat ironed and roller set my hair earlier. And it quite frankly did the opposite of expected and went more lion's mane than sleek.

Also my boobs are sweaty and I am kinda funky.

So a meme.

“Instructions: Take a picture of yourself right now. Don't change your clothes, don't fix your hair - just take a picture. Post that picture with NO editing. Post these instructions with the picture”

These would probably work for HNT too but I'm lazy.

The dark mass around my face is in fact my ginormous hair.

I was laughing when I took that because one of the teddy bears atop my monitor was positioned so it seriously looked like he was looking at my tits.

So yes, despite how badly my knees hurt today and the fact that I am not out dancing for that particular reason, I am pretty in love with myself.

And since some people asked here is what was going on with the plagiarist thing.

This person on the interwebs lifted entire entries, articles I wrote for pay and some of my fiction and the layout of my old website to pass off as their own.

So no, quoting me wasn't it. Quote away I don't care. I do know the difference between being quoted and being stolen from. The non pay stuff I was irritated about but not pissed. The stuff I wrote for pay isn't mine anymore so I reported it to the people who do own the content now and the website is now gone.

This isn't the first time this has happened to me. Years ago when I first started using the internet someone stole an erotica story of mine from an erotica writers list I was on and shopped it around. To what I imagine was their displeasure one of the people this person shopped it to had read the original and thus the person was busted.

While I'm clarifying let me say that my entry about anti FA (again, I believe I said this in the follow up as well) was not directed at anyone in particular but rather it was a collection of my thoughts and impressions from what I had been reading around the internet.

Also for the record my stance about FA is as follows please follow along at home:

  1. I do not believe that you can judge the state of a person's health simply by how they look.
  2. I also do not believe that health is a moral objective.
  3. I do not believe that people should be demonized for being fat.
  4. I do not believe that it is inherently ok to be given shoddy health care because your health professionals cannot see beyond weight.
  5. I do not believe that fat is automatically unhealthy.
  6. I do believe that some illnesses and physical issues are exacerbated by being fat.
  7. I also do believe that some illnesses are not exacerbated or caused by being fat.
  8. I do believe that it is none of your business what I eat or don't eat or whether or not I exercise.
  9. I do believe that dehumanizing people because you don't like their bodies is a fucked up thing to do.
  10. I do believe that the media representation of the obesity crises as it is, is flawed.
  11. I do not believe that people should be blatantly or not so blatantly discriminated against because of what their bodies look like.
  12. I do believe that FA as it is now, is going to go through some rough spots.
  13. I do believe that this is ok.
  14. I do not believe that it is in our best interest as human beings to be such assholes to each other.

If that's too much to read in a nutshell have all the biases you want. You can feel free to think I am a fat disgusting pig who is the root of all evil and is the cause of every bad thing, just don't act on it and it's all good.

What about discrimination is okay? Who can give me one good and valid reason that does not have to do with faux moralizing about health, who you want to sleep with or not, or your own personal body issues to treat fat people badly?

Feel free to comment anonymously.

Moving ahead.

My relationship to my body is in a strange place right now.

I increased walking has meant that I am in increased pain. My knees have been really hurting lately pretty much from the time I get out of bed to the time I go to sleep. It's fucking terrifying because it's just getting worse. It's almost as bad as when I was working out to an insane degree. (I believe my all time high was about 5 hours a day, fuck sake it was terrible).

I just read an entry by Essin 'Em that hit really close to my heart.

That is what I'm afraid of.

Afraid no I am mother fucking terrified.

Hence me dragging my feet about finding a new doctor.

I spend a lot of time worrying about this. My job involves a lot of up and down and a lot of stairs. I live on the third floor and there is no elevator.

It's astonishingly horrible to think about.

I wonder if I will be able to love myself when I hear those words that it will never get better.

I wonder if I will be able to not go insane about it.

I wonder if I am strong enough to deal with it.


Right now, though my knees are puffy and swollen. And I'm dreaming about heels I just can't wear anymore and I'm waiting for the anti inflammatories to kick in, I still love myself.

I love my stretchmarks and aching back, I love my creaking and complaining knees, my greasy face. My sweaty boobs.

Right now I am okay and I suppose, that's pretty goddamn good.

So while I wait for Uniballer to get home from the store I am going to go pluck my eyebrows, and make some white tea.

Tomorrow Colleen I am totally emailing you back I got derailed by the plagiarizing.

And my toenails are going to get painted a violent shade of magenta.

Homo Out.


Friday, October 10, 2008

Friday and some I statements.

I am really pissed off today.

After finding some of my content had been lifted yesterday I did some more looking and found that there is someone (and you know who you fucking are, I am not linking to you) who has stolen a shitload of my fucking writing.

So I took a deep breath and decided to make some "I Statements".

I feel angry when you steal what I created. I'd appreciate it if you would fucking stop.

Now this was not my initial reaction. My initial reaction was to holler, "GROW SOME BALLS YOU FUCK."

I have since calmed down.

I had to take a moment and realize that a.) this is the internet and more importantly b.) shit happens.

It's flattering in a way but ugh. Seriously?

Moving on.

Can we talk about Winter wear?

I have specific needs when the weather starts to cool down.

I have to have shoes I can walk a lot in. I average about 4 miles a day if not more depending on the weather and how my knees are doing.

I also really like for my feet to stay dry and reasonably warm.

I also need layered clothing because my work environment is vastly different from outside and different areas of the building mean I may need an extra sweater.

To that end not this weekend but next weekend I am making another thrift store run because there was a ton of great stuff I was just too tired to grab. I want some more thinner sweaters, some black pants. I am going to budget out about 30$ and will take some pics of my haul when I get it.

How about some random get to know you?

Share whatever you want to with me.

Some of the things that make me, me.

I still get super super excited about dinosaurs. No really I do. Remember (this might have been you) that kid everybody knows who goes apeshit over the giant dinos? That is me still. At 31 years old dinosaurs make me squee and get all giddy. Just like when I was 8.

I am for all my crankiness very soft hearted.

This entry from Men In Full made me go awwwwwwwwwww oh my god. First of all that is good news from CT.

Second of all that photo makes me want to snuggle up with them for a good long cuddlefest. No really it does.

The huge reason I aww'd is I like seeing people look all happy and in love. I really love it. Gay, straight, poly whatever. Folks who have that glow make me happy. Which is the major reason I am pro gay marriage.

Also because frankly this country does not have a good track record with anything deemed separate but equal. Remember people this is recent history.

What I really would like to know is how exactly do people whom you don't know being married harm you? If they don't belong to your church, haven't ever spoken to you how do you have the right to deny them their happiness?

I just don't understand.

I would think that more people being married would be a good thing. If marriage is the be all end all of existence (gayness notwithstanding) shouldn't we want everyone to be married?

As for the religious reasoning I don't think that treating an entire segment of the population as second class citizens is the idea. Someone point me to the verses or rules of whatever religion that say it's perfectly fine to treat people badly.

My beef around the people who rail against any civil rights is this.

How are civil rights that are supposed to be for everyone deemed somehow special when everyone is included?

How is it a special right to not be harassed?

Or in some places beaten, tortured or killed?

How is that liberty?

How is that freedom?

How is that in fact American?

Americans are so often quick to judge the civil rights violations of other countries but why do we get so angry when that same magnifying glass is pointed at us?

How is it okay?

That is what I want to know and nobody yet has been able to convince me that infringing on civil rights is okay.

And I am in fact talking about everyone, fat people, people of color, people of varying religions, gay people, straight people. All people.

Isn't the world big and bad enough without all that bullshit?

So yes I want gay people to get married. I want straight people to get married. I want bisexual poly leather loving dandy dykes to get married.

If being married moves you and means soemthing to you. Have at it.

And don't think that I don't think about and realize daily that not even fifty years ago I would have gone to prison for being in the relationship I'm in right now that looks to be a regular heterosexual relationship.

I live with it and I think about it.

In equal measure I am painfully and terribly aware that if I found a woman whom I loved and wanted to spend the rest of my life with, (granted I don't want to get married really at all but if I did) I could not be married in most of this big old grand country. That there are people who would do me harm whether or not they knew me or my spouse simply because I am different.

How is that right?

Okay I should probably stop before I start yelling.

However can someone please explain to me what exactly the "Gay Agenda" is. Not just the OMG TEH GAYZ but seriously. What does this agenda entail and how is it harmful to you?

How is it so evil for people to not want to live their lives being discriminated against essentially by strangers?

Again I suppose I'm just a little too live and let live.

I worry more about what actual crime is doing to my country. I worry more about the economy. I worry more about our children. I worry more about the sad state of public education in this country. I worry more about keeping a roof over my head. I worry more about my future.

I am too worried about those things, than to worry about who strangers are sleeping with or marrying.

Have your beliefs but please stop fucking up other peoples lives so you can get to Heaven or where ever.

Now where was I?

Oh righto, some links.

Audacia Ray has an interesting article about some of the recent goings on in Sex writing.

Sinclair over at SugarButch gave me a bit of a happy with this entry. Delicious.

Over at LesbiaTopia I found an announcement for the 2009 Midwest Bisexual, Lesbian, Gay, Transgender, Ally College Conference which is pretty awesome. Read about it here, tell your friends in the Midwest.

MissK over at Aromaleigh has an awesome lipstick sale going.

The Daily Cookie has an awesome preview of the new Chanel stuff.

I also love this tutorial by Doe Deere. Gorgeous colors.

I think I'm done now.

I'm still in a pissy mood and am going to play some Pogo.

Homo Out.

Thursday, October 09, 2008

Thinky thinky again.

Ah my goodness.

I have come to find out that some of my content has been lifted in it's entirety and that is really irritating.

Normally I am quick to run down plagarists but right now I'm just not in the mood. So this will have to suffice for now:

If you are going to re-post my content without permission or attribution don't do it on a site that's indexed.

Additionally, yesterday I wasn't talking about one website or group in particular. Those were my impressions from a diverse bit of reading that I didn't feel like linking because I a.) don't know any of those people and b.) was not shit stirring.

However I would be interested in serious answers to the questions I raised. I know that most of the people here from the Fatosphere feed I'm preaching to the choir but there are those of you who aren't here from there.

I won't hold my breath.

I reread what I wrote and was reminded just how easy it is to call something you don't like or agree with radical or crazy etc. I like being mindful of that and for my own sanity try very hard not to jump on something just because it might not be my flavor. That is to say, I take care in reading through something entirely and letting it sink in before I settle on an opinion.

I do believe there is room in the big bad world for all sorts of opinions. Whether or not I agree with them.

Think whatever you please.

What I don't believe in is demonizing other people for having differing opinions or simply being different from me. It's a waste of time and energy to me. I have lots of other things I could be doing or thinking about.

That isn't to say that I will say that I think someone is an asshole, or that they are behaving badly in my view. I won't chase them down normally unless it's something I consider egregious. For instance.

I was on the bus and standing behind a little old lady who was having trouble getting out of the bus and not falling. Her "aide" stood and yelled at her instead of just offering her an elbow. I edged out around her and held her elbow and hand then steadied her on the bumpy sidewalk. She said thank you and that she always falls right in that spot because the pavement is so uneven and she has very bad balance.

Her "aide" hollered for her to hurry up and started off. I caught up and gave him an earful.

What I won't do is chase people around trying to give them what for because they don't share my opinions. At the root of it, I'd rather have a civil conversation with someone who is violently opposed to everything I think than I would just stand around hollering about people being mother fuckers. In my life and experience the civil conversations I've had about important things have tended to yield more thought and action than the finger pointing.

What I think and feel I try not to present as cold hard fact. The only person my feelings and thoughts are fact for is me.

Don't take this to mean that I will not call out shitty behaviour. But if you're just interested in trying to piss me off you should probably find someone else. I am not the droids you were looking for.

Moving along.

I Squee'd so hardcore I got a comment from M. Christian and yes, I did a little dance of joy and porn writing nerdgasm.

Via Dennis Cooper (yes it's links time folks) I found some really good book links. Check it.

Via Violet Blue some hot zombie pin ups. There are calendars. I might get one.

Via Scandalous Beauty I found out that Make up Forever has a youtube channel. All I'm gonna say is HELL YEAH.


I made an outfit post in my LJ. Also on the LJ tip LJ users you can now read me on a syndicated feed.

Also I am very inspired by this look from Petrilude. You should watch his youtube videos because he's adorable.

Harriet posted a really excellent entry about why she's not fasting for Yom Kippur.

I added a button to my sidebar and have to fix it because the placement is wonky.

For now good night.

Tomorrow, winter fashions. Probably a crap load of shopping links.


Remember, only you can prevent jackassery.

Homo Out.

Wednesday, October 08, 2008

Ruminating on Anti FA.

Yesterday I did some reading around the internet, and some of the angry anti fat acceptance stuff caught my eye.

I read quite a bit, forums, blogs etc. I noticed a few running themes that got me thinking and whatnot.

Theme #1:
Immediately I saw a lot of railing about the perceived horrors of women who are Fat, Feminist, Liberal and not shy about their opinions.

Being that I highly doubt I'd get coherent or honest answers from the people saying these things here is what I wonder.

Would it be such an issue if the "Queens" of FA who's politics are so distasteful to you were thin women who were hot in the context of mainstream thinking? Would bad words be so upsetting if they were coming out of the mouths of models or actresses?

Is the "radicalism" because they are outspoken or because they are fat?

How is it surprising that there is diversity and thus clashing of opinions in the Fat Acceptance movement?

If you follow any movement at all, be it Gay rights, Christian Rights, etc there isalways dissent in the ranks of one sort of another. Fundamentalists lambast other denominations. Some Republicans take issue with their Republican brethren and sistren.

Are you equally gleeful when there is a division within a church or civic organization?

Cherry Picking.

I saw this term all over the place. Essentially it means picking and choosing what to present and what not to.

Now if we're going to point fingers how about we start with heading for the nearest mirror and pointing away?

Everyone regardless of what ideology they are pushing does this to a degree. It's not in and of itself a bad thing. It is not the responsibility of the presenter to make sure that you have every side of the equation and all the information.

It is up to you to find out more if you feel it necessary.

If (as I've said time and again) you are a person genuinely interested in and concerned about the health of people as a whole there are ways to express and demonstrate this and ways not to.

Not so much:
"These fat bitches make me sick, I hate fat bitches"

"Fat people at the gym piss me off"

Treating people as less than does not in any current universe mark you as a caring individual.

Health is not a moral issue.

Gauging health by the eye is a mistake.

If you are going to go the route of using health as a gauge of morality how about you aim some of the vitriol and hate at everyone at the fast food place, everyone who might have genetic markers for high blood pressure, heart disease, and well how about humans in general because anyone including you can get sick.

If you do care instead of being hateful think about being an advocate.

Advocate for everyone to have adequate access to health care, good food, and fair treatment.

Overall to my view most of the anti fat acceptance comes down to a (in some cases pathological) hate of fat.

What I don't understand is the violent opposition to what I see to be nothing extraordinary.

At the root (and yes, as I said above individual aims will vary) FA is about ending discrimination based on essentially a single factor.

Body size.

I cannot understand how this is such an abhorrent thing.

Why is it such a terrible thing to want to be treated with the same respect and decency by say medical professionals regardless of how you look?

This is why I like to frame these things so maybe people who aren't in the situation can parse it.

Let's say you are a 30 year old, white person. You aren't rich you aren't poor. You are in effect average.

You start having problems with your vision. You go to doctors who tell you without another glance to take a nap.

How sleepy you are that day has nothing to do with your ongoing problem.

So you go to another doctor and hear the same thing.

You go to another doctor who doesn't even give you an exam and tells you the same thing.

Is that right? Is that conducive to being a happy healthy human being?

Or maybe after being treated like this for years you just stop going.

Why is that okay?

And if it's not okay with you, why would it be okay to get that kind of treatment regardless of what you look like?

I just don't understand.

Maybe I am too much of a laissez-faire type person.

I do not believe that I have the inherent right to harass other people because they choose to live their lives in a manner different from my own.

Can I not like what someone is doing?

Sure I can.

Can I act on that and cause that person problems in one way or another?

No I don't believe I can. Let me rephrase, I can but I don't.

This is the difference between bias and discrimination.

Have all the biases you want.

You want to hate me because I'm black? Go ahead.

Wanna hate me because I'm fat? Have at it.

Want to hate me because I'm not a heterosexual Christian? Feel free.

These are biases. The moment you start legislating or otherwise acting on these is discrimination and that needs to stop period. For everyone.

My huge issue is the discrimination.

Naturally there are cases where acting on a bias is a good thing.

We do it all the time.

In my mind there is a difference between a genuine danger to my own or the public safety and at base ideological differences.

It's a tricky thing. It's not easy at all to know when to use your biases and take action and when not to. But, I do think that if more of us could stop being such assholes to each other and just say,

"I don't like that you do this but it's none of my business."

The world would be a better and easier place for all of us to live in.

That's it for today.

Homo Out.

PS..remember I'm giving away a book. Check the end of yesterdays post for details.

Tuesday, October 07, 2008

Where it all intersects and makes a Shannon.

As I read more and more about people having to explain what intersectionality is and why it's important in FA these days most of the time by the end I feel like my head is going to pop right off.

It's not what people are saying but the necessity of it being said that is getting under my skin.

Whether it's race related or queer related at this point-

okay what was right after that was entirely inauthentic so let me start over.

If your sensibilities are feeling tender today turn your head.

Seriously people it's 2008.

How the fuck is it still so shocking and upsetting to so many people that little things like race, sexual orientation, gender and gender presentation etc might have a wee something to do with the person people are right this instant.

Are you fucking serious?

No this is not nice or is it politic but if you cannot wrap your head around the idea that all of these things, added in with culture experience and whatnot create how a person views things and feels about things, maybe you need a time out.

A time out to look at your own life.

Did the person you are right now happen in a vacuum? Did you spring forth from the Earth or a pod or whatever with all your current knowledge intact?

If not than how can you expect that of other people?

Which leads me into the murmurings around the Fatosphere that race shouldn't be coming into it.

All I can say to that is fuck off. No really fuck off.

This sort of fuckery is the kind of thing that happens when you try to fool yourself into thinking that everyone can grow up in and live in a colorblind world.

Being a Black queer fat woman does not exist in a vacuum.

And I refuse to speak about the issues entirely seperated from each other all of the time in order to spare tender sensibilities.

Fuck that.

I refuse to shove the identities and presentations and discussion of peoples identities into tidy little boxes Fat-White/Black/Asian/Eurasian/etc-Hetero/Homo/Bi/Onmi-etc. I refuse.

So if that bugs you, feel free to skeedaddle.

This segues tidily into some other things I've been thinking about.

Moving along.

Let's talk about exercise.

CNN had this story that the Federal Government has decided that 2.5 hours of exercise a week is what you need as an adult.

The thing that bugs me about presenting the information this way is that there is never room enough for specifics. As in, dealing with ability levels.

Fat or not I personally am not as capable of lots of strenuous exercise as I was say a decade ago. Not because of my weight but because of my already not so great joints and after some injuries (falls etc) my crappy back.

Too many people (more than you'd think sadly) read things like that and go balls out and hurt themselves, or don't take good care of themselves and wind up hating exercise more. That makes me sad.

I'd really like to see a more, egalitarian approach I suppose. Instead of saying HEY DO THIS, say if you're already kinda healthy try this, if you're not quite really healthy do this etc. Does that even make sense?

Now for some links.

Via BelleDame there is a Carnival of Feminist Sexual Freedom and Autonomy coming up soon. That is a pretty awesome idea. I don't know if I'll contribute but I will absolutely be reading it.

For you thin folks who like shiny fetish clothes House of Bias is having a sample sale. Check it out here. Hotness. Hotness hotness.

Needled has a good guest blogger up go have a looksy. It's about Margaret Cho.

Davita has a tasty post up about use of the Nword (I will probably post about that sometime, but not right now).

Via Lesbiatopia a reminder about a call to action for the LGBT community about the vote on Gay marriage. This is really important my homies.

Oh and a word about the sexytimes questions. I made a catastrophic booboo and they are all gone. This is what happens when I try to change code when I'm not fully awake so I have to start all over. The page and form are still intact and working but the questions I had saved up are gone.

I recall a question (that I totally did research for) about headaches during the peak of orgasm which I'll talk about tomorrow but I can't remember the rest and yeah. That was not a great moment in Nudiemuse history.

I also got a note not from the form from another boy *HOORAY FOR PENIS* that I will probably talk about later on tonight if my brain doesn't melt beforehand.

So please if you asked me something ask me again or if you have a new question ask away.

Something else.

This is my first time doing something like this.

I am doing a little giveaway.

I am giving away this book: (blurb from Amazon)

Don't Believe the Hype: Fighting Cultural Misinformation About African Americans Farai Chideya.

I blasted through it last weekend and here's what I think.

The book is a bit dated and full of now obsolete statistics. It was published in 1995.

The big flaw in my book though is that through the talk of love, family sex and whatnot there was nary a mention of homosexuality. Which in my view is quite telling of the African American community as a whole. But that's a whole other entry.

Flaws aside I think that this book is an excellent primer for people who are not black to get a peek into some of the things that I myself think about and live with daily.

So here is the good bit.

Leave me a comment, you don't have to leave your email address but you do need to come back Sunday October 19th to see if you won. I will announce your name and then all you have to do is email me and BAM it's yours plus probably a couple of other little goodies.

Ugh I think I'm done. My neck is all jacked up again as a result of my weird sleep postures/it's time to change bags and probably get back to my stretching prior to doing fucking anything.

That is really annoying.

And a picture from my vacation. Click for the giant size.

Also note to self budget out for pro flickr account mmkay.


Homo Out.

Monday, October 06, 2008

Fall and leaves.

It's officially fall. I came home to weird hot muggy weather and now it's the October I know and mostly love.

Windy, drizzly and coolish going toward cold.

And as has been happening in the last few years, I am entirely unprepared with my wardrobe.

So my season of hardcore thrifting has begun.

In other news.

Here some some of the pics from my vacation. I have to shift around some mad money to get a pro account at flickr.

Oh and totally add me as a contact if you like. I like having homies on Flickr.

Now some other things.

And can I just say that the most recent episode of FemmeCast speaks to me? I am usually not all into manifestos but I very seriously identify with the,

"I will rip your fucking face off"

I went over here and had a looksy at the Femme Shark Manifesto.

This is a rare thing to hear from me, but yes I will pump my fist stand on my desk and holler,


Now if I found a group of feminists who were espousing the same sort of vibe I might start speaking to feminism again.




Femme Shark would be the kind of feminism I would want to hang out with, get drunk with, get in a bar fight with, put lipstick on and probably fuck for a whole damn weekend.

I am a Femme who might punch you in the neck or want to touch your boobs. I get the feeling that these folks get that and that feels nice.

speaking of queerness I'm working up an essay on being bi and some of my misadventures when trying really hard to date women.

If I were going to put together my dream team of queer, fat, femme, etc homies there would be an assortment of smart, ass kicking people all along the gender spectrum and who probably say fuck a lot.

Too much to ask?

I am positive these folks exist and I should probably get out of the house more.

I totally got sidetracked with that.

I also have no forgotten entirely what else I was going to talk about. So some pictures.

Okay remember I talked about the bridesmaid dress o doom?

Okay right here


Um the boobs. HOLY SHIT MY BOOBS.

I tucked, squished and moved em but yeah. And see that kind of line thing under the boobs? That is this weird liner in the dress with a non stretch band in it. But other than that it was good. The beautiful bride spent some time touching my boobs, I put my boobs on one of the groomsmans head after the ceremony.

Boobs boobs boobs.

OH right back to thrifting.

Seattle area fatties the Value Village in Burien had a pretty good selection of things size 20 and over. I was just there on Saturday (that's what I was going to talk about) and got some things.

I have decided that these are jeans of awesomeness. They totally make my ass look fucking fantastic. They are a tad tight but the bigger size was too big all the way around.

Also I don't recommend buying halloween tights (brand new hosiery)here if you have big hams. The 2XL's and Queen sizes don't look to be made of win. But they are uber cheap and I might pick up some fishnets after Hday.

Moving along.

Via Essin' Em's post about her body mods I found the Femme Spiral.

The idea of a tattoo that gives those in the know a little wink wink really appeals to me. Especially for the days when I am rocking stompy boots, an Ashirt (otherwise known as a beater) and a scowl, somebody would get it and give me the nod. You know what I mean?

I dig it.

I seriously just ran out of steam. My brain keeps going in nine different directions. Seasonal changes always put my body into WTF-ness.

Homo Out.

Thursday, October 02, 2008

Call me Stagger Lee.

I have to admit I am really cranky today.

Vacation comedown.

Also I have writing to get done.

So my darlings I will leave you with a single link where you can download my older fiction, my poetry book and some erotica that I hope will give you a tingle in the pants.

Get em here.

I have some things to say about race and intersectionality but today is not the day because I would get really mean and I am not in the mood to be the educating negress today.

This song hits my mood perfectly.


Wednesday, October 01, 2008

I'm back babies.

I am back and my vacation was fabulous.


I had such a good time. I love Cookie so much it's just not even funny and spending time with her and we have our special ladyness is fucking wonderful/.

I also was brave and wore my big hair down to go see Wicked. It was awesome. I usually wear my hair in a bun because I'm kind of iffy with my styling and it was hella cute.

I also went for the SUPER drama with the make up. Big black smokey eyes bright red super shiny lips.

It was super fantastic.

I was not prepared hairwise for the humidity though and had some OMG OMG OMG IT'S HUUUUUUUUUUUGE moments.


I got to indulge my ladyness and love of Mac Cosmetics but had no time to chat up artists because they had an event going but I did get my hands on this gorgeous lipglass from the Cult of cherry collection. I grabbed Cherry Blossom and am wearing it with Rimmel lasting finish lipstick in Just So.

I end up with the prettiest shiny light pink lips ever.


At the Long Beach airport I met this gorgeous fattie. Oh EM. GEE she is a foxy lady. (OH HAYYYYYYYYYYYYY M I hope you got home ok if you're reading already). We bonded over not knowing there was a smoking area, then over her hot ass pencil skirt.

Then her flight left and I got on mine a bit later.

I'm also proud to report I flew in an airplane without panic or tears. I love to travel but flying freaks me right out and I made it. Although on the way there I did need a drink.


I got home last night and passed out so hard. Nothing like a good meal prepared by Uniballer and my own bed can do to put me right out.

Now for some pics.

First up, make up done at the Laura Mercier counter and my big hair.

It was SO cute then after like ten minutes went all FLOOF but I still dug it.


Also I was sweating like a drag queen on stage. Like seriously sweating. It was hot that day and wow. Just wow.


My nails. The lady who did them was very pregnant and adorable. I love the little flower and might start doing some nail art regularly.

And todays make up.


The awesome pink lips as described above.

My brain isn't entirely functional yet.

So more later.

I'm going to get some water and cruise for books on paperbackswap.

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