Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Revelatory.

I had an interesting conversation not too long ago that has me thinking.

We were talking about our bodies and some of the insanity they have wrought on us and I mentioned rather passingly that I really prefer not to be all that much thinner than I am right now. And I absolutely hated being very thin.

It took her a few minutes to absorb that then she came back to it and was shocked.

Granted she's known me for quite awhile. I've been known to send her obscene emails and text messages, ASCII porn but that was the first time she's ever expressed shock at something I've said.

I explained a little and our conversation went on but later I got to thinking about it.

At 31 years old I have been very thin (between 98-110 pounds about a size 5 or so) moderately thin (call it, size 7-ish), my "ideal" weight 120-130-ish and a size 8-10, a little chunkier 145ish 10-12 and now smaller fat at a size 12-16 depending. I don't know how much I weight. I've also been bigger. I believe years ago I was more an 18-20 but I don't know really because I was recovering from surgery and not wearing anything fitted or taking my measurements.

So I've spent some physical time in all these bodies. All in this body. Stay with me.

When I was doing everything "right" I hated my body. Not in an abstract general kind of way it was deep visceral and painful.

For started when I was very thin, my boobs didn't really shrink much. So I went from being fairly balanced to ginormous tits on a tiny body which was not hot to me. Also I have big wide shoulders and some big hips. And that doesn't change all that much when the flesh around them shrinks.

This was not win and I really for the first time as an adult felt just ugly. I was entirely convinced I would never date again and would wind up alone forever.

Also my diet was supposedly super fantastic but, I was quick to discover that vegetarianism does not work for my body. So I got back on the omnivore wagon and started to gain some more weight, I got up to about a size 9 or so and kind of liked my body a bit better. On the plus side I wasn't sick anymore which was great.

On the flip side though the hours and hours of serious exercise was taking a really terrible toll.

My already not great joints started to complain. There was a point when (and this is what made me finally go to a doctor who knew what they were doing) I was having to ice my knees almost all day and immediately after exercising. Along with the wraps and whatnot around my actual knees.

It was not great.

I was quite devastated when I was informed that I should stop almost entirely.

Fast forward a few years and here I am.

31 years old. I believe I'm just on the chunky side of average for American women. I think.

And I'm pretty damn satisfied.

Admittedly sometimes I do wish I was all round smaller and that I had different proportions. Mainly for clothes shopping purposes. But in the main I'm good.

It is Love your Body Day (which was kind of my point here) and god damn it.

I Love. My. Body.

At this stage in life I really don't care if someone else thinks I'm hot, gross, weird, or what.

The key to this I think has come in the realization that I do not owe it to anyone to be any certain way.

Also and this is maybe a bit juvenile of me but, loving myself as I am, cellulite, stretch marks, big ass hams, jiggy in spots is a big ole fuck you to a lot of people.

Let's be real ok?

I think a lot of us have encountered people who are pissed that we love ourselves without losing weight or going for a "new" body. I have experienced rage on the part of other people because I dig myself as is and I don't really care to engage in what if's, or if only's.

Fuck that.

And I think I will still love myself when I've got to go to PT every day or when I am finally told officially not to wear heels, not to run, not to dance, and that the pain is going to get worse and last longer.

Okay soooo I have a super exciting announcement to make.

The lovely Rotund has asked me to be a coblogger with her over at "Don't be a Make Up Chicken."

Say it with me...aweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesome.

We will be squee'ing about make up, doing reviews, talking about the politics of make up. And since I'll be there you all know I have things to say regarding race and make up.

I am really excited about this because a.) we all know I am a beauty fanatic. b.) It's an honor to be asked to join in on writerly stuff. c.) I am now officially a beauty blogger and this is made of the awesome.

So when I do tutorials or whatnot I will be doing them there more often. The beauty stuff will still be here too so don't fret.

Also awesome I am currently glasses shopping. I am going to order them online so I'll tell you guys all about it. But finding that perfect pair is proving difficult.

And I have some money so I am going to be doing some more awesome thrifting.

Also I have an entry brewing that was sparked by something Lindsay said but my brain is full of snot and squeeing. And a fiction story I would really like to finish before my head explodes.

Love Peace and go have a wank tonight.

Homo Out.

Share/Bookmark

4 comments:

Regina said...

Oh fabulous! I haven't posted here before but I've been reading your blog for a few months, and the first thing I thought when I heard about Makeup Chicken was I hoped you were going to be posting there, as a blogger or guest or whatever. That's so awesome.

Piffle said...

Congrats!

mycolorfulheart said...

Thank you for writing this post. I've been super skinny (a size 8, but I'm tall and big boned so it was super skinny for me) and now I'm a size 16; I've been all sizes in between. And right now i'm happy with myself and how I look. Sometimes I feel like the only one who actually loves their body. It felt great hearing such positivity in your post. :-)

_ig_ said...

doo dee dah stays with u, sista! Наверное, ты это не прочтешь, но действительно интересный и разносторонний человек, плевать, что думают другие, не завись ни от чьего-либо мнения.
Hugs from ff0000

Subscribe To My Podcast