Saturday, December 20, 2008

Navel Gazing and indulgence.

I am feeling quite self indulgent right now.

I haven't been to work since Weds. because where I live I might get a bus to work but probably wouldn't be able to get home and my employer recognizes the suck nature of that.

I am also a little upset because I didn't get to wear my fabulous little black dress and fuschia tights because the holiday party was canceled.

So I've been house bound and pouting.

Except today Uniballer conned me into Snow Bunnying (Yes I made that word up..we were on foot) for some foodstuffs, Thai food (which was delicious, I wish I'd have found the camera case so I could've taken a picture), and a very fruitful trip to Biglots.

A friend commented to me recently after showing me some LJ where I was sort of semi snarked, about just how calm I am about that kind of thing.

I don't think I'm fun to snark or troll.

My usual response is um...okay. Or a head shake. If I'm feeling punchy I might pick apart whatever comment I get but usually not.

My general attitude is that anybody can disagree with me as much as you want.

Call me a fat stupid bitch. Drop the N word.


Fact is I realized way before I ever started doing anything on the internet that some people will do that just to hear themselves squawk, some people have or feel like they have no power in general life so when they get a chance to feel the crotch tingle of power they go left, some people are just assholes.

Also honestly, almost every time I've been lampooned or snarked on the internet the snarker has not actually read what I said.

The most vivid one in memory was a group of people getting "I never exercise" from me saying, "I hate yoga." Now maybe my brain works differently than other peoples but those two statements are not at all the same thing and I wouldn't presume the latter meant the former then go to town on someone for saying it.

I just think that's dumb.

Also, if you want to disagree fine. But don't expect that I might not engage. And unless you start out being a dick chances are I will probably treat you fairly and with respect, but you decide to start dicksizing or not using your reading comprehension abilities I'm done.

If you want to think all fat people are lazy, cheeto snorting, bastards as I've said before, feel free. There isn't a problem until you decide that your opinion means you can harass people, or support people being dehumanized or legislated against for shits and giggles. That is not okay.

I arrived at this mindset over a long windy bumpy road.

When I was a youngster every snide shitty comment, every asshole squawking could induce nuclear rage. These days I know better.

I have better things to expend my energy on.

What else?

OH good news.

Being that I do fucking hate yoga, I've been doing some very gentle stretching during work hours and at home and my back has improved greatly. I don't have quite as much constant tension between my shoulder blades, and my sciatic nerve has calmed down a lot which makes moving far easier.

Unfortunately though for my own safety I am probably not going to be able to walk as much because almost every winter I fall on the ice and hurt myself. I feel like I should not do that, or at least reduce the risk of doing that by being more careful with myself.

You'd think this wouldn't be an agonizing decision but it has been.

My 4-5 miles (cumulative) walking daily has been a cherished thing for me. It pains me emotionally when my physical ability lags behind my psychological wants.

Fact is, I am not getting any younger and my knees are not getting any better. I don't have the optimal tools or access to those tools for more exercise that reduces the impact on my knees so I walk.

I love walking. If you spot me in Seattle, I haul ass. I walk at a pretty good clip even when I'm limping a bit, usually with coffee in one hand. I love it.

I love that slightly breathless, slightly sweaty feeling after a quarter mile.

But I can't always do it.

Or if I do I pay for it with swollen knees and agony going up the six flights of stairs to my apartment.

I will tell you guys the truth, when I can't do, do as in activity, I get depressed still. I think I mentioned this months ago but it's so hard.

I still get angry.

I get angry when I want to come home and bellydance but my knees or back just hurts too bad.

But I'm working on it. I am working on not being pissed at my body and getting a hate on for it when I can't do things that I want to with it.

So for New Years (again) I am going to try not to be such a dick to myself.

I am going to try very hard to take care of myself the way that I need and deserve without rancor.

Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to go take a bath, give myself a manicure then wax my eyebrows with my new Nair Green Apple Glitter wax stripes (I will review them on Bugawk at some point) and probably exfoliate my fat ass until it feels like silk.

Be safe, warm and gentle to yourselves my homies and haters.

Homo Out.


Piffle said...

I'm glad you've found something to help your back and sciatica.

I feel with you about the snow and falls. I fell in some mud back in September and twisted my right knee a bit, just enough that it hurt but not enough that I needed a doctor. Anyway, the walking and a couple falls in the snow lately have made it twinge at me again; and so I'm staying inside instead of playing in the snow :( .

Not that it's as bad as what you have, not saying that!

Haddayr said...

This won't help with knee pain, but ever since I got gimpy and started carrying a cane with an ice tip I have not fallen down ONCE.

I highly recommend a walking stick of some sort with an ice tip. I wish I'd had one for the past 15 years instead of just the last two.

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