First thing yesterday I seriously misspelled Lesley's name and have to go edit that. Ugh I HATE it when I do that. She is a Lesley not a Leslie.
Anyway I received what I'm assuming was a well intentioned little letter thingy via the advice form and I decided to address it publicly since the sender did so anonymously.
This person commented on something I said awhile back (no I couldn't find the exact post) about the pervasive "thin whiteness" of many of the sex oriented places I frequent on the internet. The upshot of the comment was apparently this person doesn't understand what I mean.
Okay let me preface the following with this.
For perspective I am a Black fat queer woman. I have spent time with kinky people, I have had non kinky lovers and companions. I am sex positive. I am very in favor of people getting their happy tingles in whatever way they deem necessary as long as it doesn't involve children or animals.
Further my intention here isn't to be a nit picky asshole. My aim is to maybe give people a view that they might not have, a window.
I am going to try and be mindful of the fact that there are a lot of people for whom these issues are non-issues. A lot of people who have never thought about it, or who might feel they are being picked on which is not my intention here at all.
We all on the same page?
I frequent, look at, examine and read a lot of things that are about sex and sexuality. Books, blogs, photo websites, occasionally magazines when they catch my eye. I don't take in these things and analyze them. I'm not always just looking for the crotchal area tingle.
Unfortunately in the past few years I've become less and less able to simply overlook inequities and the things that just make me uncomfortable.
I read a ton of sex blogs regularly. Some of them are personal blogs, some of them are corporate, some of them are there for titillation, information etc.
Save for a few instances, the constant (as with seemingly everything in America) images and ideas put forth as The Sexy, are thin white people. Muscley muscle men, rib showing ladies who from the tits down often look prepubescent. Those who are deemed hot enough are frequently cheered on to do or say things that are fucked up or outright mean.
Yes, I realize that a lot of this has to do with marketing and profit and money etc.
That does not stop me from feeling on a personal level a sting of outright rejection out of hand.
I do not belong in this club.
I am not a thin white lady.
Rationally I am fully aware that no it's not personal. However, that does not stop me from my interest waning.
Additionally, when the supposed "alt" scenes (not just the "alt" as in tattoos etc but those who are supposedly considered out of the mainstream) seem to subscribe fully to the mainstream ideals and ways of sexuality I personally feel a tad let down. That is probably a personality flaw, I acknowledge and own that.
My view these days is that if you are presenting yourself as some outsider, indie type make an effort to do that.
Again please remember that these are my feelings and impressions I am not trying to present this to you as fact.
Lately, my interest in a lot of the sexuality oriented material I've been reading has waned further. I really cannot maintain an interest if I don't relate at all.
The problem is not bloggers, or content producers individually. Everyone has their tastes and their niches, the problem is the difficulty in finding those other voices and images. It's difficult for me to get behind or want to be involved in new ventures or communities that on a superficial look have nothing to do with anything that I am or ever have been.
I will be the first person to admit that being the other, or first different person to bust in and say OH HAY CHECK ME OUT, is not something I'm really into. I don't have the patience to deal with it honestly.
If I never hear things like the following (which people have said to me on the internets recently)
"I'm not really into black chicks..."
"But you're not really fat..."
"No, I don't mean you .."
It's annoying. It's tiring.
There are times when I really don't need to be reminded that regardless of the otherness of a particular community etc, that I am the extra super other.
What can be done?
If I had my way, more people would be mindful of these things. And when I say mindful I do not mean by any stretch of the imagination that everyone has to love and welcome my fat Black ass, but I would like people to take a second to have a touch of empathy and step into these shoes for a second.
See these things, your own work through my eyes for a quick minute. I've told you how I feel, exercise your brain matter.
Maybe, realize when you say things that disparage people based on their body size, or your own body size that it is alienating. That quite possibly, you of the open mind are not being cool.
Do I want everyone to suddenly wanna fuck fatties, and Black chicks?
Again, I say keep your tastes, do your thing, be who you are.
Just be aware that your entire audience may not be who you think they are. Be aware that, yes what seems to be a passing remark or trend of remarks can hurt people you might want to not hurt.
Yes I know, somebody is going to snark me. Someone is going to think this is bullshit and I don't really care. What I hope is that somebody gets it, if one person reads this and says to themselves "oh wow, I never thought about that." then proceed to think about it.
Feel free to comment, point and laugh etc.