Thursday, February 28, 2008

Spring Fashion.

Okay so I was going to post this yesterday but got distracted.

Fair warning this is going to be hella image heavy.

Now let's start shall we?



No Srsly. I mostly want the stripey thigh highs and the stripey shirt. I don't know what it is, I fucking LOVE that shirt like hell.



These are mostly Target shirts and I am impressed. And YEAH I know goth much? Shut up. I am actually that goth.



Shoes, yes I know I have a problem. But look at those leopard wellies how cute would that be with a fluffy skirt? SO CUTE.



Dresses. I really love loose-ish dresses and I'm loving the whole a-line tunic dress thing. Rly. And yes a few UBER Gawth things for good measure.



This one is misc stuff. That first plaid thingy is a bum flap in case you're wondering. A bum flap I would wear with skinny jeans and a long black tank, hoody for warmth. I work in an air conditioned environment and get really cold.

I also have my eye on some fabulous platform sandals that I can't take a picture of. I also really want a dress like that Dickie's waitress style dress and WHY does nobody make them in plus sizes right now? What the hell?



Not pink but come ON man.

I also want some of the new Lippy but ALAS they have failed me yet again in the sizing department. I also want to invest in some Malco Modes Pettis why? Because they are fluffy and I dig them.

I know some of you are wondering, what the hell woman you're almost 31 years old. To which I respond, yes I am. And I have decided to stop fighting my love of the strange, costumy, occasionally gaudy, and sometimes downright fucking ridiculous clothing.

Fuck it I can dress crazy if I goddamn well want to.

On that note I am developing an obsession with little fancy hats. Like the kind RivkahsMom makes. Dude she's local. Matter of fact I believe I may have chatted with her at SeaGoth once upon a time. This is once instance that I fight my love the fancy and sparkly. Mainly because in what universe would I actually wear one?

Granted if I went out more I could probably (okay I totally could) talk myself into wearing one of those hats but really I don't wear hats that much. I have one hat (a cute bucket hat from a long ago Torrid line) that wear regularly. I'm wearing it right now actually.

I also am having some kind of hard on for silly punk accessories. See the bondage belt and bullet belt above. And the fact that I found places where I could get both made big enough to sit right on my hips the way I like em gives me a tingle in my pink area.

Yes I still love clothes that jingle.

There was a time when I had so many pieces of clothing with bondage straps, loops, d-rings etc that my laundry always jangled and clicked in the dryer. Really almost my entire wardrobe had chains and other clinky metal bits on it. That says a lot no?

And that wasn't even like five years ago.

I also really would like some more long sweater coats but I find it hard to find ones I approve of. As in they don't offend my tender goth sensibilities.

Okay I'm spent I am still really exhausted and am having some serious joint/back pain and I do not want. The back pain is really what's taking it out of me and I am not at all excited about that.

Homo Out.
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Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Astonishing.

I found a link via BigLiberty on the Fatosphere feed and wow.

Fat Hate.

I read through a lot of them and have a few reflections.

First of all I saw a lot of irrational and frankly absurd. After looking around at a bit of the rest of that website I get it. You go, you rant anonymously I would think you feel better about whatever it was pissing you off in the first place. What's missing there is the mirror. What's that saying about hating in others what we loathe in ourselves?

Being that I am not extremely fat, nor am I even very fat as far as fatness goes I have experienced people being more direct with me about weight. Some of what I've heard:

Me: I think I've gained a few pounds. (Mostly an observation going on the fit of what I was wearing)

Other Person: Well if you'd just....*insert lengthy sermon about eating "power foods", "the color diet", "Slimfast", yadda yadda.*

Me: Um thanks for the info but I'm not actually trying to lose weight.

Other Person: But, you've gained weight and you're fat now. Almost- (this part was fantastic) really fat.

For the record at the time I was wearing a pair of size 5 pants that felt kind of snug in the "I am BLOAAAAAAAAAAAAATED" kind of way. No, I'm serious.

More recently I have gotten a lot of "tips" from people. Some I wasn't offended, they were just trying to be nice. Others not so much.

Frankly at this point I can't say I give two shits.

So fuck em.

In other news. I've seen a lot about Intuitive Eating on the Fatosphere lately. TR did a very nice primer post about it.

Personally I have been familiar with the concept for years but not in the it has an official name kind of way. And really unfortunately like so many other health related pains I am a little conflicted.

To me (and yes I am biased) Intuitive Eating is something that sounds amazingly fabulous if you are not poor. Or really poor. If you are poor, or really poor it really really REALLY fucking sucks.

Why would it suck? Easy.

Say you are trying very hard to use your Intuitive Eating know how and you have, chicken, creamy chicken and beef ramen, a tablespoon of PB, some crusty mayo, some maybe still okay to eat if you close your eyes and pretend bread, some unidentifiable packages in the freezer that may or may not be actual food and for fun you've got some of those condiment packets because when you're poor enough (I KNOW some of you have been here and crammed as many of those as you could into pockets and purses) and what you really really want is an apple, some nice sharp chedder that doesn't come in a can or something. So you are listening to your body, fantastic. However you have 20$ to your name, payday is 6 days away and you need the following.

Tampons
Bum wipe
Bus Fare

Not much right? Actually no. Let's say bus fare adds up to 2.50 a day and you are working the next five days. That is 12.50$. Still with me?

Generic dollar store tampons (You get two boxes of Super because face it, a lot of the time dollar store tampons don't get the job done right and you're bleeding already) 2$.

Up to 14.50$.

And bum wipe. Being that you're bleeding you're probably going to use a little more TP than usual so you get four rolls at a quarter each so that's another dollar.

15.50$

I don't know about you but I would not use my remaining 4.50$ for apples, cheese or anything. Because shit happens doesn't it? Especially when it's that close to payday and you're already kind of broke.

What's the point here? Fact is I've been there. In that almost exact situation but what I wanted at the time was some good crusty bread. No really. However good crusty bread and realizing that want, and fulfilling it just can't always happen.

I'm not that poor anymore but it's close enough that I remember. And you know what? It really fucking sucks. It also really sucks when you get sucked into (whether you mean to or not) the whole idea that your food choices are somehow moral choices as well.

Granted most of us realize rationally that no, eating junk food or cheap processed food does not make you a bad person. However it can be really difficult to feel that emotionally. Especially when you're constantly bombarded with messages to the contrary.

It hurts. Quite simply it fucking blows.

I recall being poor enough that I was not able to afford even tinned veg and fruit, so on the suggestion of others I started trying to volunteer at co-ops. That was such a big waste of my time. Not only was I rarely if ever contacted back despite my best efforts, when I was contacted I made it clear I wanted to volunteer out of sheer need. I wanted to volunteer so I could have some tasty organic greens, or some pears or fuck sake some fucking grapes on occasion. I got quite the run around.

Eventually I gave up and when I found tinned fruit at the dollar store I'd buy one close my eyes and pretend.

It's sad no?

My other problem with Intuitive Eating right now is that my body plays dirty tricks. Very horrible dirty tricks. My body screams and wails for milk. MILK MILK MILK GIMME MILK OFMG I'M GONNA DIE IF I DON'T GET MILK GET ME MILK I WANT MILK MILK MILK...

By that point I am usually close to tears because I really do want a glass of milk. A pint of cold delicious milk. So I try soy milk. Body says: FAIL DIS IS NOT MILK!

I pout. I groan. Occasionally I give in and have the coveted tasty cold pint o moo.

Then, the The Apocalypse of Gastric Distress happens and I suffer for days.

There are other foods that I crave down to my bones but can't have. And then I get sad. I won't say I can help that because I don't know if I can. But yeah it's a tough thing for me.

In other food related news I have discovered or rather rediscovered a love of odd snacks from Asia. There are lots of small Asian markets around our house and I've been exploring.

Photos possibly at a later date and now I'm spent.

Homo Out.

PS...
How is it that my life has some sort of insanity start quarterly? WTF is that all the fuck about? Srsly. Want not so much rly.

PSS..
I probably won't be any less vague than that.

PPS..
Actually several good things did happen today (I totally started this yesterday) A man drove across a street to tell me he thinks my outfit is beautiful and when I smiled he said I got the smile to match. He was cute and charming then he drove down the alley.

Also (I will probably post this later) I've started doing Spring wants collages on Polyvore. You may or may not be shocked and there may or may not be skinny jeans involved. Be afraid..be very very afraid.

Homo Really out.
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Monday, February 25, 2008

To my 14 year old self.

Was that two weeks ago that the Fatosphere was awash with letters to 14 year old selves? I'm not sure. I was (sorta am) too tired to do that but I will try today anyway.

Dear 14 year old Shannon, (written as if to be read on my 14th birthday)
First of all check it out, 16 years later you are still kicking. Weird I know right? And six more months of the boobs from fucking hell. And I'm sorry to say they are going to get bigger before they get fixed. I know that is going to fuck up your whole idea of what is going on but it will get better.

And don't be afraid of the big loud doc he is not your surgeon. Your surgeon is the little Creole man with soft hands and that infectious silly laugh. Also don't be afraid of what people are going to say. You are already too well aware of what douchebags some people can be. Like Nana said, "fuck em".

However, some people will surprise you.

When that girl and her friends tell you that you dress funny, fuck them too.

After you're all healed from surgery and enjoying your new smaller, perky boobs, work it. Don't be afraid. Love that first pretty bra. Also you are entirely within your rights to burn that ugly fucking dress. Don't let anyone talk you out of it, just do it you'll feel so much better when you do.

Also after surgery don't sign up for volleyball. You suck at it, you hate being yelled at. Don't bother. Dance instead. You love to dance and you're good at it regardless of what anyone else says. Shake that shit like you want to.

And I know your life until now has been a whirlwind of holy shit this sucks. It does get better. You're going to see Japan. You're going to understand the actuality of being somewhere holy and it will make you feel better.

In all what Nana has told you for years is absolutely going to be the single most important piece of advice you will ever get, forget the dumb shit and remember. "Fuck em if they can't take a fuckin' joke." Remember.

And yes you are nuts. You will get crazier and life will take some turns that will almost kill you. But like I said earlier you are still kicking babes. Still alive and full of piss and vinegar.

To wrap it up here are a few other tips. Read more porn, read more great literature, dance more, breathe, know you'll survive it, don't let the bastards get you so far down.

Love,
Your 30 year old self who is still, mother fucking fabulous.

~

Okay now back to the present. Good lord the typos in that last entry. I was a little drunk. See what happens when you try to play off to yourself that oh HAI no I'm not buzzed.

Holy shit I am a cheap date.

Damn I entirely forgot what else I was going to say so never mind. I am tired. Looks like I'll be taking some of the sedative variety drugs tonight.

Homo Out.
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Sunday, February 24, 2008

Rambling Shannons never walk straight.

I have had a very nice day today. I got some sleep (CAN I GET AN AMEN?!), watched an amazing Pride fight between two incredible athletes. Antonio Rodrigo Nogueira (one of my favorites he's incredible) and Fedor Emelianenko. There is something that awes me about that kind of athleticism and men that big who move that fast. I watched the whole event but that fight absolutely stood out as a huge one in MMA circles.

Then I lolled around a bit. A favorite hobby picked up from felines everywhere. Then I doodled about playing with photoshop for awhile. Then Uniballer and I decided we were hungry and had intended to go to The Keg because I haven't been to one in about 15 years and he's never been. Unfortunately between the two of us we missed the bus.

So we walked to a newer place called The Elliot Bay Brewery I am not huge into beer so I wasn't really enthused about going however I am into hamburgers. I LOVE a fantastic beefy burger of goodness and the one I had was perfect. The Bleu and Bacon. Blue cheese and bacon with their special pub sauce, lettuce, tomato. Fantastic. The burger was still pink in the middle just the way I like it and their seasoned fries are actually seasoned and not just too salty.

I also stepped way out of my comfort zone and tried a little buffalo. It was beefy and tasty.

However the highlight of the night was their stout chocolate cake with home made raspberry sauce. OMFG. Mouthgasm. I needed a change of pants it was that good. If you hit that place take your appetite. Lovely servers. The lady who took our dessert order looked and sounded like Karen from Will and Grace and I wanted to bring her home and gossip with her. Seriously.

Now I am sitting deep conditioning my hair and looking gangster in the knit cap the lovely Sarah Katharine Lewis sent. This thing is SO handy just perfect size for my deep conditioning. So here fotographic evidence of my gangster-ness. And yes I look a little crazy:

Photobucket

Also to further screw my goth street cred I am listening to Justin Timberlake and enjoying it. It makes my bottom area wiggle.

OH also I finally found new talons for my eyes.



Not exactly what I wanted but whatever. I figure once I'm gauged up to about 10 I can get my fabulous black acrylic talons. Or maybe get spendy and buy something custom or bone.

My next piercing related mission will be to find a new labret. A much harder job because I'm super picky. I may get a fancy talon for going out but I want a new every day ring.

Okay I have had enough of Mr. Timberlake. Joan Osbone who is sex on crackers.

Also oh WOW HotRod Voodoo has some really fantastic stuff in right now. Check out some of their new socks. I am all over that. Although my fabulous wardrobe plans have to be shelved because of a refund snafu that means that money goes for bills rather than goodies.

Story of my damn life.

So that means more thrifty and less spendy but that's fine. I'm good at thrifty.

OH new blog find for those of you who enjoy teh sexy time blogs. Always Aroused Girl is a good one. I have added her feed to my eleventy other ones. I so *HEART* my google reader it's just not even funny.

Ah and a semi recent photo I did of some green eyeshadow I did on myself. Rather redid for the photo, after a very long day at work.

Photobucket

I was also (pre-long day at work) wearing a clinique light pink lipstick under some slightly darker pink gloss and it was teh SEXAH.

Okay I'm gonna go shower and lay down the chocolate cake is killing me here.

Homo Out.

PS..I am still figuring out how to use my digicam. Sad isn't it? It is not coming easily so my whole picture posting/taking thing is just getting delayed. I am working on it though.
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Saturday, February 23, 2008

Pretty stuff.

Okay so some make up stuff.

I've tried out some new things lately and I'd like to share.

First up Covergirl Freshlook pressed powder in my shade called Soft Sable. First of all let me say that I tried dozens of sites and looked around locally and finding anything in that lovely shade of brown called soft sable is a fucking pain in my ass. I had to turn to Ebay. I used to used the CG original Clean Pressed Powder. In the last few months though I wanted a change.

So Freshlook it was and I'm sad to say I'm a little disappointed. Without a serious dousing of my Fyrinnae oil control loose powder top coat my skin breaks through the CG powder in a very short period of time. Also for something recommended for oily skin this shit has been breaking me out something terrible. Looks great for about the first ten minutes but I am giving it up.

Also in some areas like around my nose the texture gets cakey and weird and I have to spend a good amount of time buffing it out. Which defeats the purpose of time saving.

So back to Bare Escentuals I go.

I've also been using the Oil of Olay complete moisturizer+SPF. I have been terrified of daytime moisture+sunscreen because well HELLO super oily skin. I searched and this one is actually very nice. I got the sensitive skin formula and I'm not breaking out or oilier than usual. I am impressed.

I included this in my routine because I've started using a Miracle Peel cloth. I purchased this from Sheer Miracle. I haven't been using it long enough yet to see actual skin tone type results but I can say that after a couple of uses with just warm water after cleansing my skin is softer. I also have fewer peeling spots that regular scrubs couldn't handle.

My make up has gone on smoother and my skin has been a little less AHHHH HA SCREW YOUR MATTE PRODUCTS!

My ultimate goal here is more even skin tone and skin that looks to be in better condition. To this end I will probably in the next few weeks start using an AHA night time cream. Most likely this one from Neoteric Cosmetics ( the makers of Alpha Hydrox products). I've read very good reviews and I'm optimistic.

OH I also picked up a sample of a mineral make up face primer. I bought a sample of Happy Minerals Oil Contol Primer. I'm going to have to give that a little bit of a better test drive probably tomorrow or Monday.

Also I still am in love with my Avon lip stain. I do it's such a gorgeous color on me. However I want more colors and more lasting power. I need Henna King lip stain. This stuff looks like it packs just the kind of punch I want and that cherry red looks delicious. I have to have a stain that can withstand my multiple applications of lip gloss/balm.

Okay I think that's all. It's meds and bed time. Actually meds bath and then bed time.

Goodnight.

Homo Out.

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Tuesday, February 19, 2008

So yeah...check me out.

First fat fashion news. I hadn't mentioned here because I was on the edge of breaking up with Torrid yet again. However Torrid is luring me back. I wrote them awhile back asking if they were going to phase out Torrid in house line denim entirely or bring it back. Word is, they are bringing the sexy back. I am so excited to get my hands on some of those you don't even know.

Aside from the absolute fluke DKNY jeans I scored at Ross long long ago, Torrid jeans fit me really really nicely in the booty and everything. And I have wanted more but was thwarted by the plethora of other shit I didn't want. The Ham is pleased.

What else?

Oh tonight I am commanding Uniballer to take a picture of my super cute not quite my usual style outfit. Details tomorrow after I upload ze photographic evidence.

As per usual when it starts getting close to my birthday I tend to navel gaze more than usual and wax poetic about various things.

This year I have decided (again) to continue dressing occasionally a bit outlandishly or nutty like, wearing brightly colored eye shadow when I feel like it despite that niggling voice of normal in my head. Now that I am officially (at least it feels official) in my thirties I have even less inclination to relinquish my status (even in my own head) of being an uber unique snowflake. Despite of course my status as the same decaying organic matter as everyone else.

Which means I will uphold my New Years indulgences. So that means, the glitter? Yeah the glitter stays and I will probably buy six more colors just because I wanna.

Also I have to come clean. Lately I have been kind of a douche bag to myself.

It's taken me awhile to process and break down and it comes down to a problem I have when my body does not perform as I expect it to. No matter what size I've been (and I've been many) when my body says okay fuck OFF I'm done, I get pissed and depressed.

This winter has been really difficult for me in terms of joint pain and terrible sciatic pain. I mention these things in passing sometimes as in they are making me stabby but the truth is my mobility and my ability to do things I really want to do has been compromised.

I have been unable to really seriously belly dance and it breaks my heart. I try yoga because it's good for my knees but 1.) I kind of hate doing yoga and 2.) it makes my sciatica start to burning and complaining.

It's a huge issue with me because I get angry and that really doesn't help the situation. I have an extremely difficult time being gentle and nice to myself when it comes to what I view as failures on the part of my body. What's that saying? The flesh is willing?

Well my flesh is not willing.

As a matter of fact it said, bitch please don't make me shank you.

Yes I have other body related issues as well but none I feel like talking about in public right now.

To tell you the truth my darlings, I really don't know what the fuck to do at this point. It's a serious uphill battle not to go into crazy mode OR (and this part feels a little worse to say) believe the doctor and lose 20 pounds.

For a hot minute I was considering it. However I sat myself down and examined the hows of that.

My doctor said she would like for me to weigh between 130 to 145 at the most. Now I was right around that size for quite a long time. Here is what it took to maintain that.

6 days a week 1-2 hours cardio.
Calisthenics style stuff for 30-45 minutes. Lots of push ups, sit ups, lunges etc with small amounts of weight.
I ate generally speaking maybe 1000 calories however I've never been good at keeping track of that.
I also cut out "bad" foods of all stripes. Sugar, carbs etc etc. (The only really good thing to come out of that was ceasing my soda consumption that continues mostly to this day).

Mind you all this was under a doctors care and approval. I also worked a lot. And with my commute my days were running 15 hours if not more. Not including work out time. I also didn't include the about mile and a half round trip walk between bus stops work and home.

After a good six months or so of my "healthy" living I started having serious fatigue issues. I was very young and very naive and believe my doctor when I was told that I would get used to it once I lost weight/stabilized.

This wasn't even disordered. That became normal for me. I alluded to it awhile ago but I got seriously miserable. I was one of those hot looking but pissed off girls at the gym. I was so unhappy.

Now, fast forward to right this instant. I look at all that and yeah no. Not again. Really not again. I don't think my body would make it for one thing and my joints etc are fucked enough.

So I am hunting down a new doc who won't dick me around.

So what I probably won't be able to make Tribal Fest 09. That's ok.

I think as my intro to my 30's and the bridge to my 40's I am going to learn to forgive my body it's physical limitations in all their creaky, burning, hollering glory. I really don't want to spend another decade seething when my bones ache.

Or at least I am going to try to. I'm not entirely certain how to accomplish that. Most likely some combination of Affirmations, voodoo, booty shaking and the occasional snit.

I think I'm about spent. I am going to make some tea and put my feet up for a minute.

Homo Out.

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Monday, February 18, 2008

Cynical cat is Cynical.

Add a macro in your imagination.

I was just cruising a supposedly plus sized web portal involving all things shopping that shall remain nameless and I find some of their choices questionable if not absurd. I'm starting with the Goth section because that's how I roll.

First up a site called Clothing Whore. Have a looksy at their size chart here and tell me if it doesn't seem a tad off? Comparing that to randomly chosen Target and Old Navy. Notice the size 24 measurements clocks in measurement wise at 46-19-48, not at Target a size 20 comes in at 45-38-47.5 and at (waist and hip since their sizing charts are stoopid) 39-49.5. The size "24" from Clothing Whore seems closer to a 20. I did a brief non-scientific survey of a few other big box stores and their measurements are all around that Target measurement for a size 20. Also an extra $50.00 for "custom" sizing.

They also list ShadowFae and they are closed and have been for quite awhile.

And Hot Topic. Okay have you seen their "extended sizes" area? If you haven't let me sum up for you quickly, tshirts, a few skirts, more tshirts and the occasional pair of pants.

And um why do they list Lip Service? Clearly nobody has actually yanno checked their site in years. They discontinued their "Voluptuous Vixens" sizing years ago despite the presence of that size chart and their sizes go up to about a tight fitting 14 if you don't have big thighs or big boobs.

Goth Shop has 2, yes lookit here TWO whole "plus size" offerings. I am not impressed.

They also list Jeannie Nitro's Bone Church and I am impressed they do label it as being sized small which her offerings are. However the selection (especially if you look at the rest of the catalog) is paltry.

I am more impressed with some of their other sections. However I am a little displeased.

I'm not saying this just to be bitchy. However I do think that some of these retailers are shady. Not in their business practices but why offer "plus sized" anything if they are not actually plus sized clothing? Or if your sizing is SO incredibly different than the median of what is plus sized why bother? Would it be SO damn hard to I don't know use the google and look at the measurements and bodies of some plus sized models so you have an idea of what you're doing?

And as for the complaint that people just don't know plus sized people. All I'm going to say is use fucking Craigslist or whatever other local thing you have. I bet there are shitloads of hot fat girls willing to be fit models for damn near free or for some swag. It's not that hard I imagine to put out an ad. Matter of fact I'll do it for you for free.


Rad independant designer seeks plus size fit model. No pay but great swag! Help a girl out. Call 555-555-5555 or email Imnotajackass@dumbass.com


That took me all of ten seconds.

As far as fat fashion goes there are many damn fine resources.

Colleen over at Pretty Pear is the poop. Natty fashion sense, good writing, she makes with the coupon codes and alerts to sales, answers reader questions. Good stuff all round.

And of course I have to mention Too Fat For Fashion. If you like high fashion and being a fat girl baby they are for you. They feature upcoming trends, beautiful photos, talk to/about models. Good stuff I have been a fan for a long time.

Also let's talk about Fatshionista. There is a website now as well as the LJ community. Fatshionista isn't really for the faint of heart or those who are butthurt easily. Granted it's been pretty laid back lately, however on occasion there can be wank of epic proportions. It is totally worth it to sign up for LJ so you can see all the pretty photos and whatnot. A very diverse group of folks.

Also I think I get so annoyed because it's become very trendy for any and everyone to slap the words "plus size" on something and instantly they have business because yes, as many merchants across the spectrum of taste and style are figuring out fat girls want to look hot and many are willing to drop serious dollars to do so.

Okay and I have to say I think I am officially breaking up with Lip Service now. If you remember quite awhile back one of their design people made an appearance on the Lippy_addicts LJ community here. Now if you read all through that there are lots and lots of requests for plus size and more selection of items that come in XXL.

I had a cursory look at the newly released line drawings and I am very very disappointed. See the Summer and Fall lines here and here respectively. As far as the summer line goes why are there not more styles in XXL in fabrics like twill and jersey that would allow a pretty good amount of fudge room as far as fit?

Now maybe my perception is still in butthurt mode but, wouldn't it be simpler to offer an item in a material that has some stretch to it in a bigger variety of sizes than say offering cinchers in the bigger variety?

The Winter collection is a little better but jeeze.

I am very tempted to start annoying them with a barrage of constant emails and questions about sizing and the whys and whatnot. I may or may not have the energy. I may just give up and bid Lip Service a fond farewell and see you probably never.

And I'm spent folks.

More tomorrow.

Homo Out.

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Friday, February 15, 2008

Dear Body

From Body Impolitic I got this link and I've done this before but this time I want to join in the group effort from BlogHer.

Dear Body,
How you doin? I'm kidding I know I know. You're pissed right now I know. I fed you way too much dairy and you retaliate with serious gastric distress. I already said I was sorry about that, but come on you can't fling cravings like that and not expect to be given what you're hollering for.

Also what is going on with the rampant insomnia? I know how much you hate to be drugged into submission but really can't we all get along and/or work together here? Three broken hours of sleep a night do not a sane functioning Shannon make. I don't know what I did to piss you off so much but I'm sorry. No really I'm really really sorry.

The Milk Incident aside, I am SO proud of you bowels. I really am, normal non traumatic pooping more than twice in the same week? Look at YOU GO. No speed guts, no weird painful gas, no sitting in the bathroom for a half an hour. You are being so fabulous. I'd put glitter on you if I could.

Venturing to other areas uterus I am talking to you right now. What the blue fuck is wrong with you lately? What is with the Periods of the Apocalypse? You don't have to demonstrate your might and power to me by passing things that make the entire area uncomfortable. Really. Also really if you're bleeding like I dunno you're doing a solo slasher movie could you ease up on the cramps? You really don't have to do both at once it's not a requisite thing. Also stop giving my attempts at Midol related relief the finger. It's just rude.

Oh right before I move anywhere else hair. My hair my hair, my crowning glory, my fantastic fluff. You have your own journal. I just want to commend you for not falling out during any of my experiments in hair care. You feel strong thick and silky, you are growing like gangbusters and I love you. I know it's been what fifteen years since I've said that and meant it? I do really -really- love you. For the first time in my adult life I know how to care for and love you. I promise I will not subject you to bleaching, atomic red (even though admit it baby, we were great together with that) and I promise I won't have a snit and shave you all off. Fluff on baby, fluff on.

Boobies, my darling magnificent D Cups of MotherFucking Doom. Ladies, play nice. I know you're all excited for Spring and some exposure but really, keep it down to a dull roar in there. Also, this going up a quarter cup size pre-period. Quit it, you get attention too. So stop.

Skin. I love your color. Brown and just a hair lighter than fine milk chocolate. You are edible looking and delicious. And I'm very sorry I haven't been taking as good care of you as I should be. I promise I am working on that. You will be anointed and creamed up so that come Spring and whatnot you will be silky and glowing. We both know one of the absolute perks of having brown skin is that glow and baby, you are going to have it. Enough of it I might just break out that glimmer powder shit you like so much. I have plans for you, and they involve lengthy stroking with hands lubed up with all sorts of yummy smelling buttery goodness baby.

Belly. Here we are. In our 30 years together we've been through a lot haven't we? Remember that shit about me wanting you to be all Janet Jackson-fied? Remember I wanted you to look like this? And you said bitch please? I'm sorry about that. I know (really know) that you and Miss Jackson's Abs of Might are two entirely separate entities and never the twain shall meet. I know I haven't been nice to you lately. I've been avoiding you because you are different and I didn't know how to deal with that. I'm sorry about that. Let's be friends okay? Also I know this may be a controversial thing to say but, you know what baby? I want to get you tattooed. I'm not sure with what but, I want to decorate you with something beautiful. You think? I think. No fuck that I know. You need ink. Mmkay? But I promise never again with the multiple belly button rings. Those were irritating. Cute and all but annoying.

Ham. For those new here I call my thighs my ham and I am just realizing a great heretofore unknown love of my Ham. I Jam Out With my Ham out. (That phrase I blatantly stole from Technodyke from um....I don't recall where but she said it and I cleaved to that lil phrase. It's mine now but I share). Baby I love you. Yes you are big, yes you are probably out of proportion with the rest of my but and you always have been. But goddamn it man, you are sexy. You are strong and I love you. A few links in tribute to you. Because I know for a long time I focused my hate at you and I didn't need to.

Big Legged Woman by Jerry Lee Lewis.

And Poppa Chubby, baby he's singing to you.



All right now body, overall we are good. Aren't we? Granted some of the aches and pains make us all grouchy and not inclined to get along. But we're getting through it. Like Poppa Chubby there says, we go together like red beans and rice.

In the end after 30 years I will say goddamn it I am a fine fine piece of ass all the way around. For some reason I have the almost unresistable urge to get up and dance around like James Brown (R.I.P man.) Singing I'M BLACK AND I'M PROUD. Alternating my own lyric in there, I'M FINE AND I'M PROUD. I'M FAT AND I'M PROUD. Okay when people leave the office I am totally doing that.

Yes people, when people start leaving my workplace I am going to do some jamming out with my ham out. I am going to shake it a little at my desk. Why? Because I can and because it's fun and it feels good.

I will probably grab my own ass while I'm at it.

OH I don't want to forget my booty. The Brown Round. And I will admit I still absolutely covet the idea of having a big ole round booty. Because I quite frankly do not have a big ole round booty. I want ASS like BLAM. I want, video girl ass that is of such brown round fantastic proportions that I could shake each ass cheek independantly of one another and on beat. This is something I have a difficult time getting past the want of. I can and do bootyshake for my own amusement. I advocate booty shaking for EVERYONE. I don't care if you've got a wee tiny booty, a big wide flat booty, a BAM big ole booty whatever. Once in awhile shake that shit. Not because some dude thinks it's hot, but just because you can and it's fun.

So booty I am sorry I wish you were things you are not and will not ever be. I know it's not nice and I'm sorry. I am working on it. I promise I am. In lieu of the syncopated butt cheek jiggling that you are thus far incapable of let's do some of this (this video is from Maragret Cho's Sensuous Woman tour.) probably not at work but when we get home. Deal? Deal.

Oh and one more thing um, enough with the gas mmkay?

(Also Hunter is freaking hot just sayin)



And where can I get some panties with tassles like that? I lack booty flesh but HOT DAYUM I want those. I would never wear pants.

To end this, yes body we have our ups and downs but I love you. So there.

Love,
Your Resident Soul.

Homo Out.
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Monday, February 11, 2008

I am now fortified and tasty.

I have a migraine of stabby proportions so this will probably go all over the place.

Despite the migraine Uniballer and I went to our favorite Chinese buffet yesterday and oh my lord. I ate a lot of shrimp prepared in various tasty ways, I made an older Samoan lady giggle at my ability to crack crab shells with a combination of my nails and a fork. I also fed a bit of corn to a very cute and perky toddler boy who stood next to me making doe eyes and doing that puppy-ish lip lick thing. Once his Mama gave the nod I gave the bite and he was satisfied enough to favor me with an enormous smile.

I love kids.

I also went to Walgreens for sunscreen for my face, some lip balm, and to check out some make up items that I didn't feel like buying. The rest of my weekend was spent watching the first season of Oz. I really love that show. Especially because I like seeing some boys nekkid and because I really love what they did with a lot of the characters.

My favorite by far is the character of Tobias Beecher. I fully admit I have a soft spot and deep love for characters who get fucked with a little too bad and totally lose it in a they WILL fuck up your christmas kind of way.

I have long held the opinion that some people can only be fucked with for so long. Some people this period is short and it doesn't take much, others it takes years and then BAM someone is getting punched in the neck.

I know turn the other cheek and all that. However that is not in my personal system. I don't condone needless violence, I do believe that sometimes violence is a necessary thing. That it can serve a good purpose and admittedly is just fun on occasion.

That's something that took me a very long time to accept about myself. For a very long time I was ashamed of my attitude towards violence, I was very deeply ashamed of the anger that sometimes birthed that violence. It was a serious rite of age for me to understand and embrace my own violence.

Now why is this such an important thing to me?

There are a lot of reasons. Probably one of the biggest is coming from a family chock full o' Southern Ladies. Old Southern Ladies, the kind who don't belch, fart, sweat or EVER throw a punch. That never sat well with me. I don't like that kind of smiling emotional repression. Not all the lessons I learned from these ladies are bad at all. I did learn the fine art of cold politeness, the fine art of telling someone ever so politely and while smiling to fuck right off without actually saying fuck. What I had/have a problem with is this being compulsory for every situation.

Another reason is the fact that violence=bad is so constantly shoved down our throats it clouds us. I don't think it behooves human kind to be made to feel guilty or like a lesser being because you might want to punch someone. Granted, I absolutely do not think abuse is all right at all.

I don't really know how to illustrate that part well. I did not come from a violent home. As is usual, when I was exposed to violence (generally by happenstance) I was terrified. I (like a lot of people I know) never learned the difference between say a boxing match and a beating on the street. I learned what a lot of children like me learned, I was small and therefore occasionally (thankfully only occasionally) someone might try to hurt me just because they could.

I remember I had the feeling that was bullshit. I had the feeling that being told to just run, or tell was bullshit. I was taught like every other little boy and girl, you never ever hit anyone and if you do you get in trouble. I did not agree but did not at that time understand how to say that or why I might feel that way.

So what did I do? I learned other forms of violence. I learned how to slice somebody with words. The following is an absolutely true story:

Picture your hostess at a wee 8-9 years old. There was a boy in my class doing what I think all boys do at one point or another (and some keep it up but that's a whole other entry) he bugged me. Constantly. Even then (it amazes me how many things about my personality have not changed since I was a wee tot) I would ask you politely once, not so politely again and then I would get pissed.

So instead of doing what I really felt like doing and punching him in the mouth I scared the pants off of him. I would whisper stories to him, I have two moles on the back/side of my neck that when I was that young were quite close together and resembled yes, you guessed it vampire bite marks. I told this boy horrific stories about being bitten at night and how I was going to become a vampire at some point. I also hinted that if he didn't leave me alone I'd bite him too.

After about two weeks of that he stopped speaking to me all together and moved seats. He never spoke to, sat by, bothered, or even looked at me directly until we were in like the seventh grade. I remember telling the school psychologist about it and my reasoning was very simple, he couldn't be polite or at least just not bother me, I couldn't hit him or knock him down so I did what I could and was free to go on about my business.

Yes, a note did go home to my parents about that.

That is a pretty fair illustration of how I am twenty years(give or take a couple) later.

Fast forward to the first time I ever reacted in a violent way without reservation and what woke me up to the fact that a large part of my unhappiness at that time was my seeming inability to express my anger violent or not without some nagging bit of shame.

I was 21 and working the graveyard shift in the billing office of a phone sex company. As was my habit around 4 AM I went out for a walk. I was perfectly comfortable, almost all of the neighborhood crackheads knew better than to bother me or ask me for jack shit. Occaisionally my little buddy Big Chuck (who was a crack head and probably weighed 105 soaking wet with boots on) would walk with me and try his damndest to get me to believe he was going to go into rehab and then buy me a brand new Cadillac.

That particular evening during my stroll some guy took it upon himself to follow me for about three blocks, yammering away. I asked him politely enough to leave me alone, then less politely. And I was fine until he called me a fucking bitch and grabbed my arm.

My reaction was probably not at all what he was looking for. I didn't panic, I didn't scream, I hardly even flinched. I remember it very clearly, I looked him dead in the eye and said very calmly, "let me go and back the fuck up before I burn you." I had a lit cigarette in my other hand. He laughed and as you might guess didn't let go.

So I very calmly pressed my cigarette into the back of his hand and said, "You are fucking with the wrong bitch." He let go, stared for a minute then turned and ran off.

Generally speaking no matter how big and bad you are, there is a big chance that if you are prone to fucking with people you will find that one wrong person. You will fuck with the wrong person and get hurt or die. That is the plain truth.

I won't say that I am some big ass kicking type. No the simple truth is when I've had enough, I've had enough. I do not know formal self defense, I am not muscled up, I am 5'3 and yes still a chubby fat girl. I wear strange clothes, I look a lot younger than I am quite often, I do a lot of the things the "experts" tell women not to do alone, I walk in dark not well patrolled etc places, I wear big headphones and listen to loud music, etc. So what's my secret?

I put off a very strong Do. Not. Fuck with me vibe. And I will tell you, no matter who you are or how bad you think you are, that yes, I will in fact fuck you up.

It's something I've had to learn to express. I didn't have to learn to feel it because it's always been there. Now I will let it out.

There have been times where this was probably unwise. The only time I have ever been almost absolutely certain I was about to be sexually assaulted right after the fear came what some might call Righteous Rage. This guy I had gone on some dates with was behaving very inappropriately, demanding sexual favors etc and got grabby after I told him expressly that I did not want any part of that.

He made an "offhand" comment about just making me do what he wanted, he tried to make it sound jokey but I felt the truth in it. I told him flat out that if he wanted to try and take it from me he better enjoy it because I would, class? Yes, fuck him up.

Later I heard rumours about him and am very glad he understood exactly what I was saying. I have learned that predators of whatever stripe will not generally pick the least favorable victim.

I will say that when it comes down to my life, I will not fight fair. I will not be ladylike. I will bite, gouge, claw, stab do whatever. If it's me or you, fuck you.

Some friends I've had just think I'm nuts. And I believe that belief comes from the idea that women are not "supposed" to be like this. Women are not "supposed" to be violent or inclined to violence. Women are not "supposed" to be fully accepting of and unafraid to use violence when needed.

Women aren't "supposed" to think about these things and be comfortable with their thoughts. Women aren't "supposed" to embrace the impolite and unlady like parts of their natures with a smile.

And if you know me at all you know, my reaction to that is a big ole middle finger.

Granted, I probably think about these things more than other people. Hell after 9/11 that big list of items you couldn't fly with in carryone due to the possiblity of them being used as a weapon came out I expanded it with things I could try to kill someone with by like three pages. Not because I really wanted to kill someone but to make the point to some people I knew that someone who's determined enough will use their will as a weapon and that wasn't going to suddenly make everything all safe and sunshine and flowers.

Also, I will admit to a probably morbid fascination with violence and the why's, how's and after math of it all.

So yes, in case you're wondering I will fuck someone up if they step out of bounds. I have used violence to hammer that point home. Am I ashamed? No. Am I proud? No.

What am I then?

Just me.

Okay that's it.

My head is pounding like there's a fucking old school mosh pit going on in there and I really should make some coffee and take some more pills before I ram my head into the wall.

Homo Out.
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Thursday, February 07, 2008

Clothes and whatnot.

Clearly I am not asleep.

However I have been cruising the intertubes and here's something I just submitted over at Fatshionista and for those of you not down with the LJ here's the post.

I haven't done business with most of these but here are some finds from Ebay because I can't sleep and I am on the hunt. And none of these stores belong to me.

Curvy Kitten Loot Clothes and hosiery up to about a 7X for those who like the ladies clothing. A bunch of Torrid stuff some decent deals but like new-ish prices.

Loletavan Plus Size Clothing. Lots of cute tops and things up to 5X. Good prices there as well.

Lulu's Plus size Clothing store. UP to 6X. Tops, lingerie, lots of stuff from Roaman's. Lots of really good prices.

L.A Fashion Outlet. This is Jr.s Plus so make sure you check out the measurements for items. However very good selection of trendy and clubbing type clothing. Also a few items for your smaller friends. I have a few things from there on my radar.

I also ran across the plus size section from a place called FairyFairyLand and there are some really interesting tops and sweaters up to a 3X.

Easy search string here for those of us on the goth side of the force. Click here. Tons of individual sellers, Torrid, Holy Clothing, etc.

This seller is one to keep an eye on. Bastet2329 I just bought a super cute vintage Liz Claiborn a line dress for a fantastic price. She often has some cute gothy plus size clothes.

I wanted to share. I am a serious bargain shopper and have found some really kickass things on Ebay lately.

For those of you nervous about buying clothing online my few must use tips.

1.) Get a tape measure and know your measurements. Keep them in a notepad document on your computer for quick reference. This will save you money.

2.) Know what brands you love and cloth you like. You can search Ebay and other similar sites using your favorite store name (Torrid, LB etc) or cloth (try a search using Tulle) and you can find all sorts of goodies.

3.) Don't be afraid to ask sellers questions. It's far easier to ask a question than it is to waste money or be disappointed.

4.) Lastly, if something is super cheap don't be afraid to try something new. I am a good example I bought an item I wasn't at all certain I would love but it was 7.00 shipped and now I love it. For the record that item was a fugly little hat that I would marry if I could.

~

For some more in depth hints about online thrifting/shopping you can read my AC article about buying on Ebay. See that here. Feel free to skip the HAES article because I don't particularly care for that one.

And Vesta totally rocks my socks. You have something coming in the mail next week.

What else?

OH briefly I have to admit defeat with fancy bras. We all know I love and worship the D Cups of Doom. I want them to be happy and look pretty. I bought a very lovely bra that's pink with some flowery embroidery and lacy bits and ye GODS does it make my boobs itch. I don't think a fabric softener will fix it. Sadness.

I am going back to plainer bras to keep the boobs happy.

Yet again I forgot to get a picture of my cute outfit today. Long black Lip Service skirt with a zip up in the back that reveals sparkly lacy bits. Black sweater, black hoody and underneath my knee high burgundy Docs and some leggings because it is motherfucking cold out. Cuteness.

It wasn't even a strategically planned outfit. I have a migraine and was so out of it while dressing I just sorta grabbed black things until I found something that seemed suitable.

Goth much? I know.

This weekend I am launching myself on my first T shirt recon. One of Uniballer's very old Tshirts (A Misfits shirt with a huge Crimson Ghost on it) is going to be turned into a long straight skirt with quite possibly some faux corset style lacing.

We'll see.

I also started collecting up some fantastic tutorials and printing them out from What the Craft. Saturday I will be getting myself a three ring binder for these. I am serious about this.

I might also eventually try my hand at making myself some panties. But then again we all know I am Anti Panty so that might get scrapped.

I also think I might re-start (love that I am making up words. Fuck sake my head hurts) doing more content for AC. Probably fat fashion related to those of us on the goth side of the force.

I think that's about all. However I will tell you that I right this instant have no pants on. And the color of the day is bush. If I have to explain that to you, you probably don't want to know.

Later today I am probably going to talk about sex. Stay tuned.

Homo Out.
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Monday, February 04, 2008

More of the cranky.

Still cranky.

Also can I just say that I find it entirely insulting that when trying to bring up valid concerns regarding the fit of a certain line of clothes there HAS to be the jackhole that comes along and says well maybe you're all just too fat/tall/whatever because I'm just soooooooooooooooo tiny and I have no problems cause I'm sooooooooooooooooooooooo tiny blabla.

Enough with the size dicksizing. If this jackhole knew anything about manufacturing and/or designing clothing she'd know it's in the best interest of any clothier to know where problems with their clothing lie. Whether that's in fit, construction, sizing what have you.

Good lord.

I think for the rest of the winter I am going to dedicate myself to reconning clothing. Tshirt skirts and dresses and things. The way we have our apartment arranged I just might move my sewing area into the bedroom. I don't know yet.

In the grand tradition of me conducting experiments on myself I am going to test out the Miracle Peel Cloth. And an overhauled skin care routine. The problem is that I have an issue with pigmentation like so many black women do.

Any pimple or other irritation I get tends to leave a dark mark and it's highly frustrating when you combine that with extraordinarily oily skin that is sensitive. Most likely I will use the cloth in the morning with warm water then at night use my regular cleansers.

I will be moisturizing in the evening with aloe gel on my face and cocoa butter (where I have the most dark marks) on my neck. Then in the day my milk of magnesia make up primer. If I grow some ovaries I may document the process in photos.

I am undecided about that.

that's all. I'm doing my taxes and it's making my head hurt.

Anything financial makes me feel like such a moron.
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