Thursday, August 28, 2008

For my Pleasure.

No not talking about touching myself for once.

I have learned in the last say six years of my life that quite often the actual, real reasons and motivations for some of my beliefs and habits really pisses some people off.

Specifically the fact that a lot of the things I feel passionate about, a lot of my reasons for presenting myself to the world the way I do are all rooted deeply in one thing.

I like it.

What I've learned about the phenomennon of anger that can greet my declarations of glee, is that a lot of people don't share this slightly hedonistic approach. And quite often, people want to have the power to sway you to whatever side they are on. Or they want the drama of disagreement. And when you deny people that, often the first reaction is indignation.

Things like:
"But why do you really like (insert thing here)?"
"Well maybe you just don't know (insert instruction here)"

See what I'm saying?

There can also be much consternation and ire directed at me when I accept someone's differing opinion but, can't be arsed to argue. I have no problem saying, "I don't agree." and leaving it at that.

I'm talking about this because of a recent discussion with a "friend".

She has started keeping up with my blog and takes serious pleasure from pointing out what she decides are hypocrisies.

However, generally speaking what she points out are things that she wouldn't do or say not that I am saying something in direct opposition to what I've already said.

For instance:
I think most beauty standards are bullshit.
However, I am a make up loving, fancy dress wearing, high heel coveting fat femme.

She thinks this is hypocritcal of me.

I don't.

Make up, fancy dresses and other assorted sparkly things make me happy. I enjoy them. I am pleased when I manage to create some new crazy look for myself.

The important thing here is that, I am not seeking the approval or acceptance of the people who support the beauty standards. Because I don't really care who likes, doesn't like, hates what I'm doing.

No really.

Don't like my clothes/hair/make up/earrings/piercings/ink/ass great. Fantastic. That has no bearing whatever on what is going on in my head.

I've fought for this kind of freedom for myself for my entire life and fuck you I'm going to enjoy it.

I also try very hard to extend the same courtesy to other people.

If you want to spend your weekends with a feather duster up your ass, wearing chaps a pink sequined cowboy hat and singing Golden Oldies while your friends jerk off and watch. Feel free. Matter of fact I hope you are really enjoying yourself even though I do not approve of pink sequined cowboy hats.

So let's call this a getting to know your hostess moment.

This is the place I am coming from. So the main point here is don't call me on your bullshit.

To steal a phrase from Grandpa Dinosaur and Davitta Cuittita up with this fuckery I will not put.

Moving on.

I really want to write about Del Martin's passing but found I can't. Mainly frankly because other than sadness I can't really epxress how I feel in a way that doesn't feel incomplete. So we'll suffice it to day, goodbye.

I have some things to say about the fuckery going on in Alabama.

A quick google search will net you a fuckton of links about what is wrong with the BMI.

Now the way my brain operates this is where I go. Come with me.

If we're going to start charging people extra for potential problems I have a list of people who should be included if we're going by things like BMI:

Anyone with a BMI under 18. People who are underweight are at risk for the following according to WA state:
· Anemia and Nutrient Deficiencies
· Bone loss and osteoporosis
· Heart irregularities and blood vessel diseases
· Amenorrhea (loss of periods for women)
· Increased vulnerability to infection and disease
· Delayed wound healing
· Lethargy – no energy
· Depression
· Loss of muscle bulk
· Loose, elastic skin

From some other sources:

The Mayo Clinic said in 06 (I lost the damn link) that being underweight can in increase your risk of developing:
IBS, celiac disease, cancer, female infertility.

Also in doing some research if you are underweight if you have of develop a condition that requires more for your body, your body might not be able to provide it.

Expensive.

Also on the list of people (if we're doing this thing) who should get charged extra. People who drive. If you drive there is a chance you don't get as much exercise as someone who doesn't drive. Also, you drive and you probably have auto insurance but, you also risk being injured so you should pay more too.

People who are habitual assholes. Because they run the risk of aggravating other people to the point of needing therapy and thus they are the root cause of that cost.

You see I think this is fucking absurd.

I think this whole idea to legislate, charge or otherwise penalize people for arbitrary reasons is fucking ricockulous to use one of my favorite words from LoveLine back in the day.

The medical industrial machine is fucking broken and sucking down fuel like crazy. If it was a car someone should have driven it out into a field and shot it with a shotgun.

This fee is not about any faux concern for the health and well being of fat people.

It's naked ugly greed.

To quote Jay (if you get it, you get it if not google it)

"All you motherfucks are gonna pay."

In order to keep some bit of my sanity in regards to this sort of thing, I really have a foster a belief in what goes around comes around. I would really like to see this greedy nut fuck behaviour come right back and bite em in the ass.

The them in this case being the lobbyists, legislators, and the people making truckloads of money off of this bullshit.

To end on a less angry note.

I am wearing Yemaya BPAL today and it smells divine. I get this spicy sweetness from it that I just freaking love. I have a few imps from the Excolo there and among them my favorites are Anubis, Santa Muerte (which smells like sex on me), XIUHTECUHTLI (I had to cut and paste that I can't spell it but it smells good). I have Bast and Hecate too. Bast smells like straight up ass on me and Hecate doesn't fare much better.

I am not really good at the in depth kind of scent reviews but I know what I like. I like dark slightly masculine scents on myself. I like musky honey notes, a sploosh of vanilla but not too much. I also love single note things. I have a wee tiny bit of an Attar of Rose I have had for years that is magnificent. I also on occasion wear a single note lilac that is delicious.

I don't like foody scents so much. Except when they are mixed in interesting ways.

Um yeah I'm spent.

So tomorrow Fluff, hopefully some photos if I remember to take and upload them.

Also I will post about a weird conundrum I am facing with shoes and panties.
Homo Out.
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Wednesday, August 27, 2008

A Furze of Fuzz.

SugarButch (which I say out loud every time I read it because I LOVE saying those two words together, gives me a brain to crotch tingle) yesterday and A Place to Draw Blood have me thinking about body hair today.

If you haven't been reading me for awhile you probably aren't aware of just how much I love and talk about my pubic hair.

If you don't want to go read all those I'll give you the quick version. I Love and Covet pubic hair. No really I do. I really seriously fantasize about having a big gorgeous salt and pepper 70's porn style bush. When people ask that stupid fucking question, "what's one thing you would like to change about your body" invariably more pubes is the thing I think of.

It will never happen.

I am not as hirsute as I might like.

I don't have political reasons for how I keep my body hair. I have (right this instant) a little furze of hair on my legs. A little stubble in my armpits, no mustache since I creamed it the other day. But why?

Frankly no matter what politics someone assigns to my hair or lack of for me it's never been about that. It's more about I may or may not feel like doing for my own pleasure or as the case may be displeasure.

When I was a wee single bi girl on the prowl, (and very naive) I ran across a lot of people who were appalled by my pubic hair. The very fact that I even had any without apology or explanation boggled them which in turn left me boggled. I am of the opinion that until I am classified as a reptile I don't see the harm or shock value in having fur.

I am also a very tactile person.

I really enjoy the various textures along my body. I like the slightly rough fluff of my pubes, I like the whispy fluff on my shins. I have one particularly thick hair that grows off and on under my belly button and when it's there I like to play with it. I do pluck hairs off of my face. Mostly because I don't like how they feel and I am really prone to twisted ingrowns that hurt a lot and I don't like that. I don't like spots on my chin or neck hurting because of one twisted skinny little hair.

Now aesthetically on other humans I do prefer some sign of hair. Pubes, some armpit fuzz, a missed spot on a leg of a lady. It's just one of those things. I like signals that a human has been through puberty and is in fact a mammal.

What I have never connected with my own body hair is how I feel about gender. Save for a really brief attempt when I was a teenager at baby butchness it just doesn't resonate for me.

Which is to say that for me, hairiness or lack of hairiness isn't so much a gender expression as it is a touchy feely expression.

I'm sure I could put that more clearly but that's what it feels like in my head.

From body hair let's go to the hair on my head.

Like pretty much every other black woman I know, I have had a long and varied history with my hair. I used to have a serious sense of otherness when it came to my hair.

As a young child I had really really long hair. As in down to my ass long.

I was often met with reactions I didn't understand from pretty much everyone. People don't (sadly) realize that yes, black people can have long semi straight hair. Back then my hair was natural and up until I was about 8 or so was fairly straight.

I have never in my life had curly hair. My hair was silky straight as a toddler then wavier as I got older.

I was ruthlessly and mercilessly teased by older black kids. I can't tell you how many times I had my ponytails yanked, strangers trying to pull out extensions that didn't exist. I had a girls mother put her fingers all the way into my hair (I wore it in buns then too) and then pronounce that I must be "part white".

Now I was actually quite a bit darker chocolate than I am as a grown woman. I did not understand why people would say things like that to me. Black people behaved as if I'd done something wrong and committed some kind of betrayal. I spent a lot of time privately hurting.

White people weren't so mean. Most were a little confused, or fascinated. I remember many times people stopping my Mom to ask her about it.

As I got older I learned a deep sense of embarrassment about my hair. So I started getting it cut. And not taking care of my hair.

Fast forward a few years.

I was 16 and had bought the most beautiful hair dye I'd ever seen. This beautiful shade of aubergine. I had been dying my hair various shades of dark brown and dark red for a few years by that point but that color was one of the first I ever really loved.

At the time I was still very into my big puffball bangs (tacky but I loved it) and my bangs glowed in the sun and for the first time I was very very in love with my hair.

A few years later I started hearing more and more militancy surrounding hair styles. I was often praised and treated sweetly by local black folks when I was sporting braids. Then when my chemically straightened hair was out, lectured and frowned at.

Neither then nor now, does the state of my hair (oh my head, on my crotch, on my legs etc) have jack shit to do with any of the following:
  • Internalized self hatred. Let me reiterate this once more, and please for the last time I LOVE being a black woman. I would not change it for anything. Despite all the hardships.
  • A betrayal of feminism. An acceptance of the Eurocentric beauty standards status quo, A sigil of my queerness, A renunciation of my femininity etc. Barking up the wrong tree with that one.

  • An attempt to hide my blackness, decrease my visibility as a black woman, etc. Quite literally short of a fuckton of skin bleach and shitloads of plastic surgery I will never, ever look like anything other than a black woman.



  • I am more than uninterested in politicizing my aesthetic likes and dislikes. I will not demonize anyone for choosing to grow leg hair or relax their hair. I will not participate in this sort of thing because, I think it's counter productive and plain ugly behaviour.

    I will not participate in scare tactics, faux feminist finger pointing, absurd go rounds debating the sexiness or not of mammalian furry decoration, slut bashing, or any other means of squashing the development of individual people because I might not like their aesthetic or personal choices.

    Fuck that right in the eye.

    I am not the droids you are looking for.

    Also while I'm on the rant train.

    Can we talk for a moment about a few things that bother me about the way people treat and discuss pubic hair? Yes right back to the crotch.

    Okay for the record there is absolutely not a goddamn thing that is unclean, unnatural, horrific, or otherwise evil about pubic hair. Or hair in general.

    Human beings are mammals as I mentioned and one of those telling characteristics of mammals is, fur. Hair.

    Also, can we please PLEASE for the love of everything cute and fluffy stop equating being feminine or female identified with being hairless?

    I am more than sick of it. Really.

    There is no one holy grail of a physical trait (that is largely determined by a genetic roll of the dice and/or the aforementioned shitload of plastic surgery) that absolutely means a female identified person is the most feminine of them all.

    Femininity is as diverse a thing as the vast number of female identified humans are diverse on the planet.

    As I keep saying over and over, no group of seemingly alike people have a monolithic experience or expression of that experience.

    I think I'm done frothing.

    In other hair news, I still hate wearing bangs as I've discovered today.

    That's all.

    Homo Out.
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    Tuesday, August 26, 2008

    Divahood.

    So first thank you Vesta. No really thank you. A lot.

    So today I am feeling like the proverbial Diva (yes with a capital D baby) for no particular reason except that my make up is fantastic today (it has been BROUGHTEN..okay I am never watching Bring it On again) and because I am really in love with myself today.

    My skin is breaking out, my eyebrows look weird while I am debating whether or not to grow them out or wax them again. I stink a little in not such a great way. Not hugely so, but I think it's time to switch pit sticks again because my current body chemistry=whack.

    However I still feel fucking fabulous today.

    As proof see here at my LJ my first written make up tutorial. Pics and text. I will probably do more of these but the look I am sporting today (big black smoked out eyes, nudeish lips, done brows) is an old favorite.

    Um what else?

    Also awesome I am coming up on 30,000 unique hits over the last um..I think it's been 2 years. I am trying to come up with something awesome to celebrate that.

    I am also feeling more excited about archiving my writings. The awesome thing here is that there are a lot of stories and whatnot that I quite literally haven't touched nor read in probably five years and it's really interesting and wonderful to me to see how my writing has changed.

    Usually every two years or so I get fed up and get a serious hate on for my writing. By which I mean I decide that I am the hackiest hack that ever hacked at writing and give it up. Now, generally I have friends who kick me in the ass or just let me whine until I get over it.

    In the last couple of years I have really started to get serious about improving my skills. I've been dipping into non fiction in a real way and it feels good.

    Fact is I will probably never be the famous American writer type. And I think I can finally deal with that in a non drama way.

    What does still sting a lot is the rejection.

    But I'm still working on putting new stuff out there.

    I have had a lot of firsts in the recent past and that is exciting.

    I am planning some fantastic type hotness for Winter and Spring. But no details on that yet because I am still scheming.

    Have I told you guys about the Your Daily Lesbian Moment yet? So we all know I'm pretty queer and we all know I love lesbians. So what more do I need? Yes it is good stuff I highly suggest you read that one.

    Oi I am losing steam. I'm tired.

    I ate at Denny's last night and my tolerance for junk food has gotten woefully low. My guts are so uncomfortable because I ate fried food last night and my body does not want.

    Not. Want. So. Much.

    It's astonishing that if you don't indulge in not so healthy foods very often the reaction your body has when you have some. The thing is I didn't even really have all that much. A chicken strip, some onion rings and some mozzarella sticks. And now there is Armageddon near my butt.

    The gas, the bowel unhappiness, the OMG OMG OMG going on in my digestive tract.

    So yeah, not doing that again anytime soon. Gee thanks cravings.

    I'm also writing a new story involving theoretical physics and I am distracted so goodnight sweethearts good night.

    Homo Out.

    As Lindsay said yesterday, it's been a day. A good day but a DAY.

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    Monday, August 25, 2008

    Can I get an Amen?

    First thing, go read this entry by Lindsay right now. No really right now, go ahead I'll wait.

    You're back? Fabulous now can I get an amen?

    Now that you've read that I have some thoughts. I find it entirely disappointing that we still have to remind people that FA (or insert other group here) is not monolithic.

    For fuck sake people. If you're trolling or having some other issue with ZOMFG the fat people, use your brain at least a little.

    Now I have some other things to discuss.

    So not all that long ago I mentioned the new tattoo magazine for black folks called Urban Ink. I sat in Barnes and Noble yesterday and read the latest issue and have some reflections.

    Okay first of all, I still absolutely fucking hate that the term "urban" is substituted for Black these days. Really I do. I really fucking do.

    Now I've been a fan of tattoo magazines for probably almost twenty years and I've read many. Unfortunately the writing in them tends to be less than superb and that's fine. I will say that there were a number of interesting and wonderful artist profiles. Some tattooists of color (YAY for local people) and there are the usual images you find in tattoo magazines.

    But, then the feature piece with Lil Wayne (I think) was well it pissed me off enough to close the magazine and not purchase it.

    As with all things deemed "urban" it was not really about his tattoos but of him posing the hyper masculine poses rappers tend to adopt with, you guessed it the scantily clad big booty having, gstring wearing lady who had a few tattoos maybe, I don't remember.

    I really hate that kind of lowest denominator pandering.

    I was also a bit disappointed not to see that many other people of color. It has potential if they could lay off of the men's magazine style ass and titties.

    I'll be keeping an eye on it.

    And let me clarify, I don't have an issue with ass and titties in a tattoo magazine, I was in fact really disappointed when the venerable old Tattoo magazine started censoring out nipples (even nipples in tattoos). But, I do think there is a distinction between trying to get the big ass loving crowd to buy your magazine, and showing ink on a person. Which yanno is supposed to be the point. If it was in fact a skin magazine I'd be all about the ass in buttfloss.

    So yeah. As excited as I am to see (finally) black folks represented in a fairly biggish way in the tattoo world, I am not into the magazine. I'm sad about that.

    Next thing.

    Let's talk about the Fatosphere for a minute.

    You've probably noticed I've not been super linking to the Fatosphere quite as much as I had been. Aside from it's summer and lots of people are busy doing things other than posting frankly at large it hasn't been really speaking to me lately so much.

    I think it's partly that my personal sensitivities are shifting. And I am not going to talk about things that I don't really give a tin shit about. I'm also tired of any criticisms becoming fodder for what are in my opinion mealy mouthed "apologies" and defenses. Granted I could stop reading comments again, that might help but in general my brain has started going, NO when I run across things that make me twitch.

    It's not that I don't see people getting called on their bullshit when it happens, I just don't have the patience for it.

    Similarly, I don't have the patience to see people have to be reminded over and over again that yes, racial issues should be addressed. And that no, it's not just PC over sensitivity. That yes, it is on the racist side of the sidewalk to dismiss a person of color who points out potential racism.

    For fuck sake man.

    Seriously?

    Do we still have to be doing this?

    This is probably why I am not a teacher or a lecturer. I don't have the patience.

    Trying to belabor these things, or watch them worried at over and over again just pisses me off. And I have enough stress and anger without that.

    Now for some actual fat related content.

    Remember back in June when I said that my pants were too tight? And Anonymous ever so lovingly let me know that I was fat hating?

    To date my pants still fit. So yes by cutting out some of my over indulgence of sugar I have not to date regained, gained more or gone on a diet.

    Matter of fact, because the weather has been nice and I've been managing to get in an extra mile or so in my daily walking, my pants are a tad loose in the waist.

    Also I haven't started bathing in unicorn pee or shitting rainbows of diety delight.

    Now I'd like to comment on an article I found on CNN about the underwhelming sales of the diet drug Alli. The article itself is no great shakes, what got my attention was the snipped at the top:

    From the story highlights:

    # People don't want to make the necessary lifestyle changes, analyst says
    &
    # Unpleasant side effects like leakage may turn consumers off


    I know it's odd but it cracked me up.

    Anal leakage is what they are talking about. Dribbling poo if you eat a food on the no-no list. Even if you don't over indulge.

    So could one of those necessary lifestyle changes involve having to carry an extra set of drawers in case you want some bacon?

    Now I would think if you are that concerned with losing weight you'd probably be better off learning how to eat in a more healthful way if that's your issue, or if you have a binge eating disorder getting help for that, rather than shitting yourself as a punishment for eating.

    And if you're one of those jackasses who's always going on about fat people and junk food, I would really like to see you harass every mother fucker in Burger King. Why? Because lots and lots and lots of people eat fast/junk/crappy food. Some of those people are thin so does that make it okay to you?

    I wonder about these things.

    In other news.

    I have been holding onto about 22$ for months thinking I might spend it on shoes but instead since Mac had free shipping last week I made my first purchase from the website. Squeeeeeeeeee. I picked up a blot powder compact as advised by one of the friendly make up artists. Pics, review when it gets here.

    I've also been on a mission to archive and make downloadable a crapload of my old fiction. If you are so inclined feel free to download it and share the links at will. I've broken it up into groups as follows.

    General fiction. Flash, non horror and other shorts. The link is for the RSS page so if you like add it to your reader so you can see when I add to it.

    Next up the porns. Heterosexual, homosexual, lesbian, solo. Some horror porn. Porn porn porn. I rarely say erotica in general conversation. I know that a lot of people have such a thing about that. But when I write a sexy story, it is absolutely prurient and my ultimate goal is to make you tingle in your pants. So to that end I say porn.

    Horror/dark fiction. If things that go bump in the night and things that suck blood and wreak havoc scare you avoid these.

    As with most everything I write if you don't like something, don't like some subject matter, whatever it's not my responsibility so don't write me telling me how horrible I am for making you read it. If you don't like it don't read it.

    I will be adding more as time goes by. I have more of the really old stuff (written '02-'04) and some other stuff up there.

    I will probably upload my ill fated poetry book at some point. I was going to self publish it but fuck that. Too much fucking hassle. As it is now that thing is about 60 pages or so.

    Uh.

    Also sadly Muxtape has been peed on by the RIAA. All I have to say about that is fuck off RIAA. No REALLY FUCK RIGHT OFF. That was such a fun website. I heard some things I never had before and that led me to listen to some new music. So fuck em fuck em FUCK EM.

    Also to relaunch the sexy content, I've got some reviews, links, advice and more. MORE.

    Now back to your regularly programmed day. I am going to sit here listening to my sinus cavities bong because the barometric pressure has done some flipflops and my head doesn't like it.

    And oh HAY GUYS (Fyrinnae boys)

    Homo Out.

    PS..also coming soon some more musings about fetish aesthetic and um...yeah.
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    Thursday, August 21, 2008

    Beauty review some musings and nonsense.

    Okay first of all can I just say that I think I have a poltergeist that lives somewhere near my head?

    I say this because yesterday my hair was up in my usual kick ass ballerina style bun and when I took it down when I got into bed my hair was SO goddamn tangled. Like the aforementioned poltergeist had been in there and just had a good time.

    So I rebunned and called it a night. I'll probably just deep condition and wash it tonight. Bloody hell.

    Also due to several near soakings due to the recent rain my hair has been super poof. Like whoa.

    Oookay beauty news.

    First of all now that I've seen more swatches from Mac's Cult of Cherry I decided I can go without the quads but I must have some of those lippies. MUST.

    I don't think I mentioned it but somehow I managed to misplace my first sample order from AromaLeigh. Months ago I had ordered maybe 15 bucks worth of samples and weeks ago could not find them at all. One of the things I love about AromaLeigh is that when you order all samples you get free shipping which is awesome.

    Aromaleigh samples don't come in jars which is fine with me, they come in neat little baggies that are stapled at the top so no loose ones get out. And you get a couple extra ones with each order, also awesome. And the samples are very bountiful more than enough to decide if you really like a color or not.

    I also highly recommend following the owner MissK's blog for first word on sales. I really enjoy her posts.

    Now for the good part let's talk about some products.

    I know I should really include pictures but we'll pretend I did.

    My favorite color thus far is from the Gothic Lolita Collection. I was actually pretty surprised by this because the shade I purchased called AquaNightmare (see a pic of the shades in this collection here) at first didn't look like something I'd really love. But that shade looks amazing on me. You get intense color payoff with AromaLeigh products and as we all know I am a color fanatic.

    The other day I did an experimental dark burgundy-ish purple look that I will recreate to take pics of, based on a tutorial on youtube. This lovely lady Leesha and her homie who's name I've forgotten but he goes by Petrilude have been doing Disney inspired looks. I used this one (Ursula from the Little Mermaid) as my inspiration. Something he said and did with a little pop of brightness I think he mentions wet sea creature skin made me want to try something like that. And I like how it worked out so I'll recreate it like I said and take some pics.

    I've now got about uh, 15 or so different pigments and liner samples from AromaLeigh and the ones I've tried are gorgeous but my favorite product remains the Indelible Eyeliner Sealant. I've used this to create the custom liquid liners that I love. I've used this with Mac pigments, Fyrinnae loose shadows, Aromaleigh Shadows, Pressed shadows and it works beautifully.

    My new favorite thing is a stripe of Mac teal wet lined with the sealant, buttload of mascara and bright shiny shimmery lips.

    Next up I recently picked up a few new Fyrinnae samples and once again Fyrinnae BRINGS IT. I have been a Fyrinnae fan since I stumbled on their website about two years ago or so. Theirs is the only finishing powder I put on my mug.

    I picked up a couple of their brand new Lip Lustres and wow. First thing is the price. The price is astonishing considering the quality of product you get. I've said before that I really love getting hand made things but these are really beautiful. I am right now wearing Acidic Cherry and the little swatch does not do it justice.

    The 3.5 ml size is perfect for a pocket, or to test it out and at 2.50 come on now. Excellent bargain.

    The color is this gorgeous rich burgundy. What they don't mention in the little description is the slightly metallic finish that is really very pretty. It's more shimmery than shiny but, a quick top coat of whatever clear gloss can fix that. My lips are prone to dryness and I find these a tad drying without lipbalm under them. They don't smell overpowering. The scent and taste is nice and light, the texture is not gloopy or gross. In a word, these are awesome and full of win.

    I actually plan on picking up a truckload more of these than I had first anticipated because they are gorgeous and I am a lip product LOVER.

    In other news.

    I am looking for a new pressed powder which wouldn't be a big deal but, I have such a hard time finding lady of color who wants pressed powder shades increasingly difficult in Seattle. And I really fucking hate running all over the place to find of all things a goddamn compact.

    So I am thinking I am going to go more high end. Screw you Covergirl, screw you Revlon and MOST of all screw you Bartell's Drugstore.

    Right now I am emailing companies to find out how their products stand up to really oily skin because I can't afford to buy fourteen different things.

    I'm not in a huge hurry for this right now mainly because I go more full coverage as the weather gets colder because my skin really loves cold weather and I love looking velvety and flawless.

    Unfortunately the primers that work the best I can't use. Anything with dimethecone in it cannot touch my face or my face freaks out like Armageddon. The Milk of Magnesia as a primer along with my powder primer works well so what I need for that little bit more coverage look is pressed powder.

    Currently the front runners are Mac's Natural Mineral Skin Finishes, Iman's oil absorbing pressed powder, Make up Forever's Velvet Finish and one by Sephora that I can't recall the name of. Hopefully after some research I'll be able to settle on one of them.

    I'm also in the market for some fabulous type mascara and have been reading Clumps of Mascara religiously. She does some really nice reviews on different mascaras both high and low end which is always nice.

    Today I am rocking a look I've utilized in varying degrees since I was a teenager. Lots of black eyeliner. I've got a serious cat eye going on and dark muted lips.

    Um.

    OH yeah. I picked up a brush order from Eyes Lips Face (if you are interested in registering with them can I pretty please be your referral? I want to earn free shit I won't lie) about two weeks ago or so.

    Their shipping is kind of slow and some of the stuff is well worth a dollar.

    But I do really really love their eyeshadow brush. Most of their other brushes kind of suck but I love this one. I have six or seven of them and they are pretty perfect for me. They are a tad on the big side so if you have a smaller eyelid area you might not want to use this one. But for me they work. They are easy to control, easy to use. They could be a little heavier in the hand but that's not a big deal to me.

    The blending eye brush isn't too bad either. It's not as fluffy as the one pictured and is a pretty good size. It's not super fantastic but it's not super crappy either. Overall if you just want some damn brushes Eyes Lips Face isn't bad.

    Although for face brushes (foundation, overall, bronzer/blush) I still prefer EcoTools. And I retract my earlier good review of the Sheer Minerals face brush. That thing is a piece of shit. It has gotten so scratchy like I melted some of the fibers which is impossible since I don't yanno use it over an open flame. I will never again buy any of their brushes.

    And that's it my beautiful darlings.

    As always if you has questions feel free to ask.

    Also, I PROMISE pics and tutorials coming soon like.

    Homo Out.

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    Wednesday, August 20, 2008

    Foody 100

    Found Via Ottermatic. And some musings about food in general.

    Here’s what I want you to do:

    1) Copy this list into your blog or journal, including these instructions.
    2) Bold all the items you’ve eaten.
    3) Cross out any items that you would never consider eating.
    4) Optional extra: Post a comment here at www.verygoodtaste.co.uk linking to your results.

    The VGT Omnivore’s Hundred:

    1. Venison
    2. Nettle tea
    3. Huevos rancheros
    4. Steak tartare
    5. Crocodile
    6. Black pudding
    7. Cheese fondue
    8. Carp
    9. Borscht
    10. Baba ghanoush
    11. Calamari
    12. Pho
    13. PB&J sandwich
    14. Aloo gobi
    15. Hot dog from a street cart
    16. Epoisses
    17. Black truffle
    18. Fruit wine made from something other than grapes
    19. Steamed pork buns
    20. Pistachio ice cream
    21. Heirloom tomatoes
    22. Fresh wild berries
    23. Foie gras
    24. Rice and beans
    25. Brawn, or head cheese
    26. Raw Scotch Bonnet pepper
    27. Dulce de leche
    28. Oysters
    29. Baklava
    30. Bagna cauda
    31. Wasabi peas
    32. Clam chowder in a sourdough bowl
    33. Salted lassi
    34. Sauerkraut
    35. Root beer float
    36. Cognac with a fat cigar
    37. Clotted cream tea
    38. Vodka jelly/Jell-O
    39. Gumbo
    40. Oxtail
    41. Curried goat
    42. Whole insects
    43. Phaal
    44. Goat’s milk
    45. Malt whisky from a bottle worth £60/$120 or more
    46. Fugu
    47. Chicken tikka masala
    48. Eel
    49. Krispy Kreme original glazed doughnut
    50. Sea urchin
    51. Prickly pear
    52. Umeboshi
    53. Abalone
    54. Paneer
    55. McDonald’s Big Mac Meal
    56. Spaetzle
    57. Dirty gin martini
    58. Beer above 8% ABV
    59. Poutine
    60. Carob chips
    61. S’mores
    62. Sweetbreads
    63. Kaolin
    64. Currywurst
    65. Durian
    66. Frogs’ legs
    67. Beignets, churros, elephant ears or funnel cake
    68. Haggis
    69. Fried plantain
    70. Chitterlings, or andouillette
    71. Gazpacho
    72. Caviar and blini
    73. Louche absinthe
    74. Gjetost, or brunost
    75. Roadkill
    76. Baijiu
    77. Hostess Fruit Pie
    78. Snail
    79. Lapsang souchong
    80. Bellini
    81. Tom yum
    82. Eggs Benedict
    83. Pocky
    84. Tasting menu at a three-Michelin-star restaurant.
    85. Kobe beef
    86. Hare
    87. Goulash
    88. Flowers
    89. Horse
    90. Criollo chocolate
    91. Spam
    92. Soft shell crab
    93. Rose harissa
    94. Catfish
    95. Mole poblano
    96. Bagel and lox
    97. Lobster Thermidor
    98. Polenta
    99. Jamaican Blue Mountain coffee
    100. Snake




    What I found most interesting about this list is that actually there was nothing I refuse to try. When it comes to food I have only one serious rule and that is, if I like it I don't ask what it is or what's in it.

    I am very adventurous when it comes to flavor. I do prefer more intense flavors over more bland ones.

    I also have an infernal level love of bacon. I. Fucking. Love. Bacon. No I don't think you understand my deep and abiding love of bacon.

    I also really love things that sometimes gross my friends out. I love weird stinky fancy cheese, I love caviar, I really -really- love a dirty vodka martini (with the blue cheese stuffed olives), I love having a fine scotch with cheesecake.

    Similarly I am pretty adventurous in other areas. Physical activity among them.

    However my imagination has often outpaced my physical ability. Thanks shitty joints and janky back for that.

    Shit I completely lost whatever point I was going to make.

    My allergies are going absolutely bug shit right now for reasons that are beyond me.

    I am also having a terrible fashion crisis. I found shoes I really want to go with my maid of honor dress but they are a.) too expensive and b.) the heels are way too high. I fucking LOVE high heels but haven't had a good pair in so long I don't know if I'd be able to walk in them without face planting and I could really do without doing that in front of Cookie's family.

    If it was just Cookie and her man I'd fall down and it'd be fine but yeah.

    Also really, am I ever going to get over my abject love of hookerish shoes?

    I really don't know what I'm going to do about my love of really impractical fashion. I thought as I got older it'd get better but that has yet to happen. As I get older in fact the more my brain goes something like this.

    I run across petticoats somewhere, my brain goes FUCK YEAH FUCK YEAH YEAH YEAH. Throw in some stripey tights, stompy mary janes and probably a tshirt and I'd be good to go.

    Kind of absurd? Yes. And my brain just registers, FUCK YEAH FUCK YEAH.

    Would I feel fabulous? Yes.

    Practical? Not really.

    Unfortunately I have a problem with that. Not just when it comes to clothes but in general.

    I wonder about other people sometimes. If their inner brainy thoughts are as odd as mine and they find themselves having to consciously work not to do really strange things.

    I hate to pull the special snowflake card but sometimes having to move and be effective in the mainstream world just fucking blows chunks.

    Really it does.

    In other news I am currently scheming how to get myself a set of dread extensions to rock all winter.

    Okay I seriously think I'm done. I just heard that Naked City is no longer being done by Audacia Ray and that's depressing.

    Just a crap day kind of.

    Homo out.
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    Tuesday, August 19, 2008

    Hold on to your booty.

    So I backdated yesterdays entry because I forgot to publish it last night.

    News on the maid of honor dress. HOLY shitballs my tits are squeezed into that thing. However Uniballer declared it not overly hoochie but I am going to get a cover of some sort. It was a little better without my Cacicique 6 way bra on but still.

    I was reminded of being in JCPenny with my parents about a year after I got my breast reduction so I was probably 15 or so. We were shopping for a prom dress. I really wanted this full length black velvet sweet heart neckline fishtail dress (STILL my favorite shape for formalwear for myself) tried one on and it fit like a painted velvet glove. Predictably my Father rigorously objected to the mountain of cleavage I was sporting. I of course had a teenage girl size snit and heard my mom say to him,

    "If she wears a turtleneck, she's showing cleavage."

    Uh yeah so true.

    My boobs have a tendency to take over whatever I'm wearing and that's pretty okay with me.

    Um what else?

    OH right.

    So I got my dress from David's Bridal it's this one, in the green color called clover. I was a little skeptical but it's about the same length on me as it is on the model which is awesome I was a little worried about my shortness but my boobs have made up for that.

    Their construction is bizarre though. There is weird boning in the boobie area that is a mystery to me. Also My boobs look a little squished in there but I am afraid if I get the bigger size the whole shebang will be thrown off. Also I ordered a size 16 dress which by their measurements for a 16 (43 bust, 36 waist, 46 hips) should have been a bit too big all over but the inside slip thing in the dress is fairly formfitting and I took my measurements before. I believe their sizing, they are not correct.

    So I think I might finances willing go with a pair of kitten heeled silverish shoes of some sort. OR these kind of ugly but in a I LOVE THEM kind of way sequined ballet flats.

    I'm still not sure about the make up. I'm thinking there will be tears maybe and I might just go with a simple cat eye and nude lip.

    And thanks to TR over in an LJ make up community I have been reintroduced to a lady I just freaking love. Doe Deere.

    Even though I am still rocking the occasionally weirdo goth aestetic I freaking love this lady. Check out the make up tutorials and I SO blame you TR if I am rocking the Doe Deer look this week.

    I do love her floofy skirt and girly t combo outfits. This is something I would like to experiment with rocking however, invariably girly t's are never cut big enough in the boobs so I have yet to find any that look good on me.

    Ready, break GO fatosphere go. Where do my fellow big titty having ladies go for girly tees? Do you make your own? Do you rock them?

    It's been awhile since I got all fashiony on you so here we go.

    Lately I've had a hankering for a femme stompy cute thing.

    I'm talking like the aforementioned floofy skirts, stompy shoes, girly tees. Glittery make up.

    So yeah that is where my head is at.

    Also, now that I've seen swatches I'm not as excited about Cult of Cherry except for some of those lip products.

    I think I'm about done. It's been quite a day at work.

    Later this week some beauty stuff. I have some looks to post.

    Also, I am working on figuring out how to do video on my digital camera thus far I've not been successful. I'd like at some point to do some video reviews and tutorials for the youtube. I know I am jumping on the bandwagon but it seems like it might be fun.

    And now I'm leaving so goodnight.

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    Monday, August 18, 2008

    Then I said.

    As I said Friday I got some really good comments from this entry.

    Nuckingfutz said this and I think I should clarify a little what I meant.


    Regarding this:

    I live daily with these things and it doesn't matter to you? You reject that the color of my skin could have an impact on the experience I am bringing? Is it safe to assume that if you do claim to be color blind at some level you disbelieve that the color of my skin or your own skin for that matter has had a wallop of an impact in how you've been able to live your life?

    While I'm sure there are SOME people that take that attitude, as a person who USED to call herself "colorblind", I feel the need to give you another view on the term.

    When I did say it (and no, I don't say it anymore; my ignorance has gone), that's not at all what I meant. When I would say that I was colorblind, what I would mean was that I saw a PERSON first, a person OF COLOR second. A person's skin color made no difference to me in dealing with that person AS A PERSON. I made judgements based on attitudes and personalities, not the color of someone's skin. But I never meant that it was unimportant in the larger sense of the word. And I know I'm not the only one. I have been lucky in that the people I have chosen to surround myself with hold much of the same attitudes and ideas as I do.


    When I said that, I have in fact experienced that level of "color blindness". While the idea that I could spend my life and experience it as a person (just a regular person) and not have the color of my skin be the first thing that has impacted my life is a great idea. Stellar idea.

    But, the fact is that there have been precious few times when I have been able to exist and deal with the world as just a person first.

    And my comment mostly stems from when people continually stress the person part to the point where any discussion of how my color impacts my life as a person of color gets shut down. Is that a tad clearer?

    I have known a lot of very well meaning people who have flown the "you're a person first" flag but, honestly that just does not cut it with me. It's great to feel that you want to see people as people first but, the fact is their lives and experience are probably not going to reflect that at all. I can speak from my experience that no, it hasn't.

    So to answer something either Nuckingfutz or someone else said in comments, I think color blindedness is a great idea.

    Idea.

    However, the state of the world being what it is I think it's unrealistic to think that a person of color can live a color blind life. At least not in America.

    Before I forget go vote for Scandalous Beauty over at the Black Blogger awards. Also there are a ton of great links to read there as well. Go to it.

    While we're discussing black folks I have some things we need to talk about.

    In the 31 years that has been my life, I have experienced some things routinely at the hands of other black folks that I call double bullshit and shenanigans on.

    Do not lecture me about my hair. You don't know me. You don't know how I may or may not feel about my hair. Don't do it. Ask me about it sure. Ask me why or what for sure. Don't walk up to me like you know me and start proselytizing your particular flavor of hair care.

    I say this because at least three times a week someone sees fit to tell me I either need to relax my hair or wear it natural. Seriously, and it's usually not coming from a kind loving sister to sister kind of place and that pisses me the fuck off.

    I will say that my hair is motherfucking luxurious and healthy and I love it. I don't give a shit what you think of it.

    And for the record, the way I wear my hair is not currently or in the foreseeable future a political statement, a rejection or embracing of anything aside from having some fantastic hair.

    Bullshit and shenanigans.

    Please.

    If you would like to talk about hair care and whatnot do not come at me clucking your tongue over my apparent shortfalls. It's fucking rude.

    In other news.

    I am maid of honor in my RoadHomie Cookie's wedding next month and I am really seriously anxiously awaiting arrival of my dress. I am really anxious that it's not going to fit. I ordered several sizes larger than I normally wear due to hearing horror stories about how small their clothing runs.

    I am very worried that the DD's of Doom won't fit.

    I also think I might make a special page for all my blog links. I have way more than I have in my little blogroll there and I think it might be handy.

    Also I've been uploading some of my writing that I never intend to try and get published to a file sharing site. If you want the links lemme know. Warning there's porn in there.

    I am so backdating this. I forgot to publish it yesterday.

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    Friday, August 15, 2008

    Tagged..and more.

    Okay I got some really good questions from my last entry. I am really still just barely out of the homicidal migraine I have so I'm going to meme you and do some fluff.

    I was tagged by Boobs I haz dem..I has dem too dood.

    So now I meme.

    What are five things you’ve said or done in the past twelve months that you’re most proud of?


    Damn good question I think.

    1.) I recently started trying to get my short fiction published again. This after a fairly long self proclaimed retirement and essentially whiny writer giving up. I went a few years with having a pretty good run of getting various short fiction pieces published here and there and then it stopped. So since I am absolutely the worst critic I have, I stopped trying. I decided I sucked therefore would relegate myself blogging and the occasional post of whatever I've been scribbling in my lj.

    I quite frankly entirely lost my hardon for myself in terms of my writing ability.

    I can't say I'm at full hard on yet but I'm working on it and have two recent rejections to prove it.

    2.) I have finally started to be nicer to myself. I am working (hard, holy fuck balls is it hard) to be gentler and less of a bitch to myself. It's astonishingly difficult not to crack the proverbial whip and lay the smack down on myself for various things. However I am proud of myself that I am learning.

    3.) I am learning to just say when there's something wrong instead of powering through. I am hard to read, I don't often just say if I'm upset or in pain. I just deal with it. With help from people who love me I'm learning that it's okay to admit that I'm in pain (physical usually sometimes emotional) and it's okay to seek comfort from other human beings. The latter has been a very hard painful lesson for me to learn and sometimes I admit I'm still not good at it.

    4.) After being gifted with an awesome film camera and getting a digital camera I am finally learning photography. I have been interested in photography for 20 years but never pursued it because I never had money for a camera, or classes, or film developing. I don't really have extra money now but damn it I have time and I am learning. I have a textbook I'm studying and I take pictures as I remember to. What means more to me though is that some people who's picture taking skills I truly admire, have said I have potential and that makes me feel very fancy.

    5.) And the thing I'm most proud of is that I am still alive. I'm 31 years old, have outlived a lot of my friends and loved ones. I've survived some really fucking terrible shit and I'm still walking around and sort of sane. That is something to be really proud of. Even when things are sucktastic, and I feel so discouraged I want to give up on everything there's still that knowledge that for all of the other shit I'm bad at, goddamn it I fucking survive.

    Since I've been so rawr rawr rant ahh etc this week how about some things that make me happy?

    I love fat happy babies. There are few things better to me than having a wee bundle of chunky love blowing me kisses on the bus or making grabby hands at me. Or that kind of laughter small children do so they snort and snork etc. That makes me very happy.

    Also happy making is meeting random weird people. For instance a few weeks ago on the bus I met a dreadlocked Haitian who crooned a little song to me in French, patted my arm told me I'm an African Queen and exited the bus. That made my day. He was also entirely delighted by my mangled French greeting.

    Also happy making. I love random book nerding. By that I mean the very rare occasion I catch the eye of another reader on the bus and we give each other that little book lover nod. The oh hay that's a kick ass book look, but we leave each other alone to read our respective books.

    Wow I entirely lost track of this.

    And I think I'm done for now.

    I will get back to your questions when i'm not feeling quite so fluffy filled.

    Homo Out.
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    Wednesday, August 13, 2008

    To continue.

    To continue from yesterday I'd like to talk about situations that make it difficult for me to feel a sense of solidarity.

    Note: These are not all things exclusive to or entirely related to Fat Acceptance but come from 31 years on the planet and a lot of interaction with my fellow humans.

    Declarations of color blindness in terms of racial issues, might be a lovely idea in theory but has no place in my existence. the fact is that every time i hear someone extolling their virtuous color blindedness here is what i feel. If racial issues are brought up and you respond with vehement declarations of how little color matters to you, clearly you are for whatever reason uncomfortable.

    Or that your perception of how important racial issues affect people is off, you don't care or you don't care to know. I hear that you don't know and don't care to hear where I am coming from.

    On a deeper level when this is tossed around I as a person of color feel slighted and invisible. If we are supposed to feel some measure of solidarity how can I when a huge part of what I bring to the table you are blind to?

    I do not now nor have I ever had the privilege to ignore the color of my skin. Whether that's because I might be the only black face in a crowd, or because I am being harassed in a store, or cruised by the police while I'm waiting for a bus in a very white neighborhood.

    I live daily with these things and it doesn't matter to you? You reject that the color of my skin could have an impact on the experience I am bringing? Is it safe to assume that if you do claim to be color blind at some level you disbelieve that the color of my skin or your own skin for that matter has had a wallop of an impact in how you've been able to live your life?

    Next, and I really hate to be saying this again but, if you are not a person of color you probably don't get it. Telling me that an experience isn't a valid thing to talk about because you've never experienced it is a fucked up thing. Quite honestly, chances are that no matter how liberal, sensitive and civilized you might claim to be, you don't get it. And as a number of people have said time and again, the best course of action is to acknowledge and own that you don't get it.

    Then the hard part.

    Don't waste your time defending yourself. Don't try to convince me that your ignorance isn't really your fault and that I am a big ole meanyhead for pointing out your ignorance, etc etc.

    Just shut up and listen.

    listen knowing that as I mentioned, you will probably not get it. That's not to say empathy isn't welcome.

    Further, I don't want an apology unless you perpetrated an actual wrong. If you said something fucked up, feel free to apologize. Other than that skip it.

    Just listen.

    Other things I'd appreciate people giving some thought.

    Being the only or one of few people of color in any situation is a hard thing. It can be frustrating, painful, and tiring. There is a fine line you have to walk because on one hand you want to present yourself well but on the other you just want to be who you are.

    And that my fine feathered friends is a shitload of pressure.

    Not to mention irritating to have to remind people that you are not the Empress/Emperor of all (insert minority here) and no you can't speak to a monolith of experience because that's not how it works.

    Any movement that seeks diversity is in peril of ignoring and ultimately marginalizing the people who make up that diverse group. But it can be avoided.

    Be mindful that your experience and the things that have created you are going to be different than mine or another persons. This difference is not something to feel guilty about, apologize for, fear or try to suppress because it might make you nervous.

    It just is what it is.

    Like so many other things in life, it might be easier to want to lump in one group of people together under a monolithic flag because they might share some superficial commonalities. However it does a disservice to you and the people you might be trying to speak to.

    These things aren't easy to digest and aren't easy but it is necessary if you want to foster a diverse group of people getting together for a common cause.

    That's it for today.

    My head still really hurts and I don't feel good. My hour and fifty five minute commute did me no good.

    Homo Out.


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    Tuesday, August 12, 2008

    On Presentation.

    I've read Julia's post several times and I think it's fabulous and very on point. I am not going to rehash anything she said because I don't think it's necessary.

    I have a lot of thoughts about what Julia said. A lot and I'm having trouble organizing them so let's talk about presentation first.

    When Julia talks about the pressure to present herself in a certain manner and her sense of responsibility that is something that resonates deeply with me.

    However where we differ is that I rebelled. From a young age I have gone out of my way to be sure to present myself however I am feeling rather than according to some unwritten code of conduct that has nothing to do with me.

    This has manifested in my life in ways that as I'm getting older I find shocking.

    In the last decade or so I've come to realize that I have no interest whatever in supporting, portraying, speaking for or otherwise involving myself in reassuring people whom I make uncomfortable.

    That's what it comes down to for me.

    Especially being a black woman.

    When you live in a place with not a whole lot of black people in general, the accepted definitions of blackness come to play and they bite. And unfortunately it comes from everywhere.

    Please excuse my thoughts being everywhere. I have a banging ass migraine and it's really difficult for me not to just type KILL KILL KILL over and over again.

    Where was I?

    Right.

    Okay I used the term accepted definition of blackness.

    You could interchange blackness for fatness, womanhood, manhood, humanity etc. What I'm talking about are the often unspoken but very clear ideas of what the experience of a person is "supposed" to be and how you are "supposed" to present yourself.

    Within the black community there is a schism that is and probably will be there until we get a few things straight with each other. The fact is that regardless of where you might come from, how you are raised etc there are a shitload of people who have a pre-made expectation of how you are to be.

    As Julia said, you dress well, don't speak too loudly, you are controlled, acceptable etc.

    In other circles you listen to only hip hop, you wear the latest "urban" fashions, you do what everyone else is doing.

    In yet other circles you look down on other black people, you separate yourself from them, you drive a nice car, you show a "positive" face to the rest of the world to say, Look we're not all that bad.

    And I see a sad parallel in the Fat Acceptance community budding. It may not be as pronounced and right in your face but it's there.

    For me there is an instant kind of disconnect here.

    I don't as a fat black woman want to deal with this kind of rift. I just don't. I also don't want to deal with a fractured solidarity because it's all there is going on.

    The fact is this FA.

    As Julia pointed out, assuming that because I'm a fat black woman I have had an easy road to loving myself is a racist assumption built on a narrowly defined idea of the black experience.

    Also, I don't want to keep explaining this.

    I don't want to have to over and again, point out that my skin color has an effect on my experience. I don't want to explain continually that, me arriving at this point is not all wrapped up in my fatness, but yes my fatness is a part of that.

    I'll probably do a whole other post about the black community and my experiences there but not right now.

    You see where I'm going.

    At some point it needs to go without saying that, it does all have an impact. That the road I've been walking for 31 years in this skin, hasn't been all Fat Rants and Sassiness.

    It needs to go without saying that a different experience does not negate your experience it's just different.

    It's different like someone being fat because of an eating disorder.

    Or someone being fat because they feel like it.

    Or someone being fat because genetically they hit the fat ass lotto.

    There is parity here. Diversity will not break parity nor will it make it so we must all then compare our oppressions and spend an eternity working that out.

    Can we do that?

    Until we can accept parity among fat people (smaller fat people, disabled fat people, mentally ill fat people etc) how can we expect anyone else to?

    If we want to get anywhere, let's start amongst ourselves and work our way out.

    Okay that's not all but that's portion one.

    Head still hurts so I may or may not post again in a soonish time frame.

    However I do have an open letter to Black folks in the works.

    I also have some sexy times questions that I'm working on answering.
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    Monday, August 11, 2008

    Seriously?

    Quickly because I'm tired and it's almost time to go home.

    I'm working on my frequently mentioned post about Julia's post over on Fatshionista.

    However I can't brain enough today to get my thoughts in some kind of order.

    Ever have those days when damn near everything leaves you apoplectic and really pissed off?

    One of those days, I am having it.

    I am pissed off about the following things today:
    1.) I am having a hard time finding a product I use in my hair almost daily locally. Not for lack of trying.
    2.) This isn't a super hard item to get usually and I'm fucking annoyed.
    3.) Bartell's still hasn't written me back. (Note to self- talk about that later this week)
    4.) My chair. I fucking hate this chair and want to set it on fire.

    Okay that's all. I am going to smile at my fabulous nails and sit here grumbling for another ten minutes until I get to go home.

    Homo Out.

    Also note to self, subscribing to 119 blogs is probably too much. Just sayin'.
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    Saturday, August 09, 2008

    New and fabulous.

    So new things.

    I have included a new thing that is a computer generated audio podcast version of each post. It's imperfect but really nice. Listen while you surf. And you can subscribe to just the audio.

    That is pretty cool.

    And some beauty notes.

    I went to a dear friends evening wedding yesterday and got into the purple section of my collection. And tried a new product, and a new technique. The photo. (I know I look mean I always look like this)

    dawnsweddingmakeup

    (Click the picture for a bigger view)

    I wanted to go for more coverage on my face than usual so I applied my tinted moisturizer as usual then used a baby buki brush, and my Bare Escentuals foundation and buffed the hell out of my face. Before doing that I used my Milk of Magnesia on skin that I cleansed with warm water, then after that dried I used my Happy Minerals primer powder.

    Random Rimmel blush.

    On the eyes, I used my Fyrinnae eyeshadow base that I applied with a brush. I used to use a sponge tip applicator then blend with my fingers but, I have really long nails and scratched myself doing that. I used Aromaleigh's Sand matte shadow all over the lid, then Mac's Grape pigment in the crease and outer corner. then Fyrinnae's Pro color in Predator in my inner corner, then I used a wet liner brush (Sephora angled liner brush with Aromaleigh's indelible eyeliner liquid stuff) under the eye. Lots of mascara.

    On my lips is some Avon Mark Lipstain in Berry Bitten with Wet N Wild's Glossy Gloss Lip Gel in Tropic Glaze.

    This lipgel is really pretty. Thick, with just a slight tint and lots of sparkly. I use a lot of lipstains and we all know I love really shiny lips and this stuff delivers. I also picked up the Candyglaze which is a clearish duochrome glitter that flashes pink. Say what you will about cheap make up but Wet 'n' Wild delivers some bang for your buck. I love their lip glosses entirely.

    To tell you the truth, I often prefer cheap lip glosses. Less cost means I get to experiment with different colors and finishes without exhausting my wee make up budget.

    Which leads me into more exciting news.

    I am expecting a package from Fyrinnae!!! They have some new lip products out that I am really excited about. I picked Acidic Cherry lip lustre, Glitter Kittiez lip lustre, and Neo Universe eyeshadow. Excellent.

    There are also some new releases I'm really excited about.

    MissK from Aromaleigh announced that they are releasing some liptints based on their Rocks! Rouge colors. Oh how tasty I am absolutely going to snag a couple of those. I am really looking at Blank Generation. That shade looks so good on me in general. That type of color I mean. Can I get a HELL YEAH?

    Shades of U has a preview of Mac's Cult of Cherry collection up. TR baby I'm looking at you, can we squee together? I know I'm going to have to get another So Scarlet lipstick, but I'm also really twitterpated Jam Packed Lipglass. Want so hard.

    And let me point you to Jude from The Girly Show. Her youtube tutorials are really great I enjoy them a lot. And she's adorable.

    Also take a minute and go vote for Scandalous Beauty in the Black Blogs award. I really enjoy her blog and videos and you should too.

    B from Clumps of Mascara has her first youtube video up and it's a really pretty look. Absolutely worth a looksy.

    And Jaime from Just Kiss and Make up is looking very cute with the red lips. (Her blog has music so check your speakers). I too am a fan of red lips. Although I often will go with a totally bold face and red lips. I will bring the goth drama when I feel like it baby. But I do love the classic mostly bare face with banging red lips.

    Oh and I picked up some violently bright nail polish last night on our way home from my friends wedding. After I get my nails done I'll post a pic.

    And OH yes my outfit from the wedding. I decided to wear a top that the bride loves, and I felt really really cute.

    Almost everything here is thrifted:

    outfit88

    So my usual comfy walking Mary janes, Express wide legged trousers bought at Value Village, sparkly empire waist top with lace panels(that you can't see in the picture) rhinestone peppered bodice thrifted on LJ, silvery grey velvet shrug bought over at Fatshionista yonks ago. The bag I'm carrying these days is a little ammo bag style messenger bag I picked up on Amazon a few years ago.

    I was comfy, felt cute. Everyone loved the shrug. I loved the shrug. I don't know why I don't wear it more often other than I keep meaning to replace the bow with a more substantial ribbon.

    I also love those pants. They were a super score for four dollars at Value Village. I didn't even know Express made anything over a size 12. I didn't think they'd fit when I bought them but I do love how they fit.

    Okay that's really all. I'm going to go deep condition my hair and make some coffee before the boys (Uniballer and our new roommie who I'll call um...hmm, I'll have to think up a nickname for him.)

    Tomorrow or next week I'll put up some of my thoughts about what Julia posted over at Fatshionista. I think my perspective on the intersections of fat, fashion and blackness are a new view.

    Ok that's it really. And let me know what you think about the audio transcriptions and if you think some of the booboos are as funny as I think they are.

    Homo Out.



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    Wednesday, August 06, 2008

    An Open Letter.

    I don't know if it's because there are fucktons of tourists in Seattle right now, or because I am somehow more visible than usual but people who are probably nice and smart folks have said some really fucking stupid things to me lately. So an open letter to middle aged white people, black people, and all the rest of humanity who feels the need to pipe up and talk to yours truly.

    Dear Humanity,
    Hi, how are you? I'm all right but I think we need to have a little discussion. I'll try to be gentle.

    I realize humans, that I am probably not the black lady you're used to seeing wherever you come from. I get that. I have a facial piercing, I wear bright make up, I dress in black 99% of the time, I have a tendency to look pissed off as I'm hustling down the street. And of course I live in Seattle. I get you might be mystified or intrigued or whatever. I get it.

    However. Don't be butthurt if I am not immediately impressed and awed by your Vote Obama button. I honestly don't give a tin shit that you're voting for Obama. Voting decisions aren't popularity contests, and they aren't ways to make me think that you must love us black folks. Also, I don't want to hear strangers wax poetic about the majesty and wonder of the good ole US of A because there is a black man in a major election. Don't blow rainbows up my ass about it and I won't want to stomp on your instep. Yes, it's exciting however, there are things to be worried about and this does not herald the end of racism by a long stretch.

    Also, please stop with the sidelong staring. Yes I can see you. And when I catch you don't give me a wide eyed OMG look, know you're being rude.

    Next thing since we're talking about staring. Black folks, my people, my brethren and sistren I don't want to hear your shit. I don't want to hear you are somehow offended by my reading habits, mode of dress, public presentation, frantic scribbling in a notebook, etc. Is all that necessary? Is there really some point to telling all your friends all about how much you don't approve? Fuck off. No seriously fuck off. You my friends are just as guilty of stereotyping and whole heartedly embracing the bullshit fed to you by the American culture. Being a black woman does not add up to a single experience and like I will tell every other person on the planet, difference does not equal some type of abandonment, denial, or selling out of my color and heritage.

    If you want to know no, I am not "too good" or think I'm "above" you by me not speaking to you. My commute time is spent decompressing and enjoying my books. I don't want to talk to you. I don't want to talk to anybody at that point. And quite frankly it's none of your goddamn business who I do speak to, where I sit etc.

    And not to leave anyone out, it's a tad insulting to sit by someone on the bus, read over their shoulder then move away in a huff. Yes what I'm reading may not be your cup of tea but that is fucking rude.

    Also rude, sitting and throwing elbows and ass all over the place. Riding the bus can be enough of a pain in the ass as it is, understand how to not step on, elbow, jam your ass crack in peoples face. And gentleman oh yes you, I am glad you really love your balls, if you are going commando rock on with your bad self however, if you are going to stand on the bus shoving your crotch eye level with your fellow passengers is just unpleasant.

    Nobody wants to get to know you that well for forty five minutes. And if you're going to go sans drawers, please keep your bike shorts to yourself, and wear a fucking belt I don't want to see strange balls on my way home.

    When you encounter a human like myself, if you want to hit on me please don't say or do any of the following:

    1.)Ask me if my lip ring means I'm freaky.
    2.)Comment in any way shape or form my supposed sexual prowess based on what I'm wearing or what I'm reading.
    3.)Annoy me with stupid questions like (if I've got a book in my hand and headphones on) "Do you like to read?", "Where do you live?" etc.
    4.)Tell me that you don't like white women. WTF I don't fucking care.
    5.)Ask me if I'm a witch, a voodoo princess, a Baptist or something. It's none of your business.

    You want to get my non pissed off attention, say hello. If I don't respond positively walk away. If I do engage in conversation say none of the things mentioned above.

    Also, if I never ever have someone call me "exotic" ever again I'll be one thankful little fatass. No really I will.

    Other things.

    If you want to talk about my hair don't pretend white people that it is just like yours because it's clearly not. And you wanting to say it is, or think it is, doesn't make you some anti racist super hero it makes you irritating. That said, don't automatically discount anything I say when it comes to hair because mine is different than yours.

    Additionally, I am not (despite rum ours to the contrary) Divine Empress of all Black People. My experience of being a fat black woman is not just like any one else's and that's just how it is. Frightening I know, but that's reality.

    On the face of it humanity, we have an ok relationship. However, a lot of you are on my shitlist. It's a little personal, a little political and a little just plain I don't fucking like you.

    I know it's shocking. And someone out there in the big wide world might have hurt feelings but that's not my issue and I just don't care.

    My point here is that regardless of what outer trappings you may be displaying, how you're flagging, the color of your skin I am not obligated to like you, talk to you or otherwise let you into the little bubble that makes up my world.

    Are we good?

    Love Shannon.

    Now that's out of the way I've got some work safe and not so work safe links for you. I'll do the work safe ones first and then warn you when there are boobies.

    First up, via Needled there is now a tattoo magazine for people of color. I have been reading tattoo magazines for just about 15 years and have always ALWAYS had that sad feeling that there were rarely people of color, and issues for people with color and tattooing were hardly ever covered or discussed. I do take issue that it's "Urban" tattoo, but whatever. That's a whole other story and everything has to start somewhere.

    Also, I made a list of top 500 political women bloggers. See part of the list (I'm on there) here. That is pretty awesome I don't think I've ever been on a list like that. At least that I know of.

    BFB turned 8 yesterday. That is pretty fucking awesome too. That is pretty cool. Congrats Paul.

    Rachel posted a link to a really um, yeah video featuring the asshole behaviour of Ted Nugent and (shit this makes me a sad beasty) Anthony Bourdain. Ted Nugent, I'm not surprised really. But Mr. Bourdain, seriously? For fuck sake. So yeah. No more crotch tinglies and fantasizing about being fed delicious treats from far flung places by Mr. Bourdain.

    If you skip any of these links don't skip this one. Julia wrote a really wonderful piece at Fatshionista about being fat and black. I have some thoughts but not today.

    Tara announced that there will be a caucas for people of color at NOLOSE this year read all about it here.

    Via Men At Large there's a link to a really fantastic photospread of different athletes and their varying body types at the New York Times Magazine. Absolutely worth a looksy.

    Curvaceous Dee(okay not so work safe from here on out) wrote a tasty tasty entry about her husband kissing another man. Hotness right there.

    My homie Distorria has some really lovely pictures up at her new photoblog. I have been working up to doing something like that myself but I've yet to get my space/set up right to do it.


    Audacia Ray
    featured sexy blogger Wanton Maleness over at Naked City. I've been reading him for awhile and yes, he is hawt.

    Monk does some Navel Gazing. And honestly he was a cutie bigger, and is still pretty hot. And yes, I still totally have a thing for him.

    There is an awesome interview with fetish diva of hotness Midori up over at Circlet Press. Tasty. That's all I'm gonna say.

    Um.

    I think that's it actually. Tomorrow beauty, with some pics of my look today because I love it. I'm wearing a very simple Mac Viz a Violet look. I used Viz a Violet all over my lid and a little over my crease, then I used my Aromaleigh mixing medium stuff and made a custom liquid liner out of Mac's Bright fuschia pigment, finished with a buttload of black mascara and some black pencil liner on my lower lashes. Soft pink shiny lips. Which reminds me I need a new better clear glitter lipgloss. I might go with a Wet N wild gel gloss thingy if they still make it.

    And I will make Uniballer take a picture of my outfit. I feel very sexy, elegant summertime goth. I'm wearing a pair of very nice Torrid slacks, a pixie hemmed stretchy slinky top with a tie at the cleavage so you can go from a little to a lot, and my trusty Mary Janes. And I'm still rocking my awesome ballerina style bun.

    So tomorrow, hair make up and pictures. No post Friday probably because I'm going to a wedding. So sexy times advice soon I promise. I feel a lot better thanks to my aforementioned old school (think P.E) style stretches before bed and prior to heading out the door on my walk to start my workday commute.

    Um. Yeah I'm done. Although tonight. I am totally painting my nails silver. And a picture of their current Chanel Vamp knock off hotness.

    DSCF1062

    Homo Out.
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    Monday, August 04, 2008

    Things that are Awesome.

    Pain is so so today but I broke my brain earlier while editing some fiction so you get fluff.

    So first awesome thing, first I have to tell you a little story so you get the full picture of the awesomeness.

    I used to work out at a gym where there were a number of lady bodybuilders. I made fast friends with one lady in particular who we'll call Miss Big Hotness. She gave me workout help and I did her hair and sometimes her make up.

    So at some point I confessed that my ultimate goal was to look like Linda Hamilton, I wanted to be all sorts of GRR. Or at least rock some Janet style abs. At the time I was committed. Very serious.

    So she watched me for a couple of months, and I got so frustrated. Even with expert advice, an insane workout schedule and diet I never managed to get more than a 2 pack while flexing so hard I thought I'd fart. I was devastated.

    No I don't think you understand I was HEARTBROKEN. I rarely ever lose my shit in public but I remember after a particularly hard workout I was in the locker room staring at my naked self in the full length mirror crying my eyes out. And when my friend Miss Big Hotness found me, I jabbed myself in the stomach and moaned for awhile about my blubber.

    She was the first person who ever gave it to me straight. She told me (gently) that maybe my body was just not cut out to look like that. She told me that not everyone who worked out like I did and ate the way I did was going to become the cut muscled hotness.

    My doctor didn't tell me that at the time, nobody who worked at the gym told me that. My big gorgeous body builder lady friend did. And she comforted me while I worked it out in my head.

    Fast forward a few months and she and I were out to dinner together, she asked me probably the most random strange question I've ever heard in my life. A recreation of the convo:

    Miss Big Hotness: So I need to ask you for a really personal favor.

    Me: Sure.

    Her: I'd like to take polaroids of your boobs to my plastic surgeon. I want my implants to look just like your boobs.

    Me: *blink...blink...blink*

    So first I didn't even know that was possible, second as much as many people have loved and admired my boobies she was the first to tell me she wanted replicas. We talked about it more and she told me that because of her extremely low body fat and high muscle, she had pretty much lost the boobies she'd had and she missed them. Also she'd discovered that her boobs sans enough body fat to fill them were very asymmetrical and it bothered her a lot.

    She also told me that her self consciousness about it had impacted her sexual relationship with her husband because she had become too embarassed to have sex naked. Also he was absolutely not on board with her getting fake boobies but, wouldn't stop her if it would make her happy.

    From my angle, she had the most amazing body ever. I'd seen her naked plenty and hadn't even noticed that her boobs were different sizes.

    We talked about it a lot and I wound up just going with her to her plastic surgeons office. The surgeon complimented my boobs which was awesome. He checked out the scars from my reduction and come to find out he'd read the paper my doctor wrote on my case. He took pictures, did some doctory figuring and about two months later my friend had her new boobies.

    Okay so fast forward about um..nine years now and I opened an old email address and hot damn if there wasn't an email from Ms Hot Bigness herself. She's retired from body building, doing very well and she's very happy with her hubby. AND she sent topless pictures because I never got to see her new boobies after they'd healed up totally.

    I will be goddamned if hers don't look almost exactly like mine except a little smaller and milk pale with pink nipples instead of chocolatey brown with dark chocolate nipples.

    I have to say it is awesome but very weird to see your own boobs on another person.

    However it was pretty awesome.

    Other awesome things.

    Also awesome, CurvaceousDee. I've been reading her for a month or two and must say I've got a little girlcrush. No really I do. Srsly.

    I've also been reading M. Christian's Blog lately. And I have to FULLY blame at least one of the erotic stories I wrote (and had that one published) on Mr. Christian. Also, have SUCH a fucking literary crush on him. It's Not. Even. Funny.

    While I'm talking about girlcrushes here. I might as well just keep tossing links at you.

    Still totally have a thing for Monk.

    Audacia Ray wants to know what your favorite porno is. If you're too shy to comment over at Naked City tell me, I promise not to tell. And in case you're wondering my favorite is "How To Fuck in HighHeels." From Fatale Media.

    Mm yeah that is my favorite.

    Thank you local folks for the doc suggestions. I think (toes crossed) I found one in the Highline area where I live. Hopefully when she gets back from holiday I can go see her. Not having to travel by bus for an hour to get to the doc would be awesome.

    And oh I do on occasion review fragrences. I will probably do that sometime this week I got myself some new BPAL and some other stuff I've been wearing.

    Tomorrow, is all about beauty. I will be putting on my beauty editor hat and talk about some new stuff I've got.

    Uh.

    And if the meds hold out sexy times advice on Weds.

    I think that's about all.

    Homo Out.
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    Friday, August 01, 2008

    Friday Fluffiness.

    First I have to say your comments are fucking fantastic.

    No seriously I don't think you understand how awesome you are.

    And (you know how you are) I was pumping my fist when I said that.

    I love you guys.

    And today (after some old school gym class style stretching) my back loosened up a bit and I got through my walk to the park and ride without having to stop, without any muscle cramps or having to shuffle weirdly.

    YES.

    I am going to talk about style and fashion today. FASHIONS.

    Now that I have found the red lipstick of my dreams. (In case you missed the entry a week or so ago a fantastic lady from LJ sent me a So Scarlet lipstick from the upcoming Mac collection and it is TEH BOMB DIGGITY. See it on me here.) I think I need to rock some Rockabilly style sometime soon.

    Right now, I have a serious hard on for Pinup Girl Clothing. Um yeah wow. LOVE it.

    I keep having this vision of the uber busty look with the high waisted pencil skirt, think bad girl type look but I am really not sure if I will look short and weird or hot. And I am too cheap to invest in it if I'm not sure. So that kind of thing is on my sewing to do list.

    I also have been fantasizing about boots. Namely some of the new Docs that are coming out and some New Rocks and on and on.

    Hi, my name is Shannon and I am a boot addict.

    I mean seriously. Does anyone really -need- more than one pair of knee high Doc Martens?

    Actually yes, yes I do.

    My love of boots absolutely borders on fetish. Well it does overlap into fetish sometimes. For instance if I'm wearing vinyl or PVC boots I enjoy having them licked. And yes, there are people who do that and enjoy doing it.

    I am hoping this winter to get my fetishy boot/clothing collection back into some kind of clubbing/going out dancing type shape.

    Now because I do a lot more walking and stair climbing these days my calves are quite muscular and I've had to let go of some of my favorite boots and brands of boots. I actually just recently cut a chunk out of my Demonia shaker style boots in order to fit round my calves.

    I think unless I decide to really get down with DIY'ing those they'll be relegated to my more tattered stompy goth days.

    Have you seen Torrid's redesign yet? Does it say bad things about me that most of what I want from Torrid these days comes out of the costume shop? And that I wouldn't be wearing any of it as costume?

    I really hope my love the the platform sparkly bright goddamn red shoes is not signaling another weirdo sparkly candy raver thing. Yes, I totally went through that phase and it's silly.

    Okay I keep getting distracted by shiny things so some links shall we? Not all worksafe darlings.

    First of all via Fatgrrl, OMG Chubby Pigeon I want to come visit and look at her fancy hats. I looked at her website and instantly was making grabby hands and excited squeaks. Holy GORGEOUS I think I am in love.

    If you are in SF this weekend you should Heather Corinna (on whom I've had this massive girl crush on for fucking ever) speak when she gets details up here.

    Also Gander posted using the term Big Throbbing Brains and that gave me a special tingle in my gray matter. I too am a serious lover of the big brains and seeing other people talk about intellect being a turn on, frankly turns me on a little.

    Recently I started reading a tattooists blog and am really enjoying it. Find AlienTattoo here. Also some really beautiful work there. Very nice, look for the entry with the bullet holes tattoo. I really love that one.

    Also speaking of big brains you should read Audacia Ray, who I also have a very big size girlcrush on.

    You should also check out FemmeCast. It's fabulous just do it.

    And some more fashion/Etsy/buyables links:


    CuddleBunny
    on Etsy. Some really cute stuff.

    Heart and Dart handcrafted soaps. I know these folks and they are good people. And produce some beautiful hand made soap that will make you feel fancy when you use it. The spiced pear smells so damn good, it's just delicious.

    If you are dying to try Mac pigments but the cost is scary, try heading to The Body Needs. The sample sizes are plenty big enough for lots of uses and it's fun. They also make cheap tasty lipbalms. Good stuff.

    StarsMakeupHeaven is another good source for good prices on some high end stuff, supplies for depotting eyeshadows and other goodies.

    I'm also really excited about Coastal Scents. You can find mineral make up ingredients, storage supplies, essential oils, make up brushes and all sorts of stuff. I am super excited I think this Winter I am going to get up to mixing up some of my own lipglosses and maybe shadows.

    Also I want one of their 88 color eyeshadow Palettes SO Bad.

    I think I'm about done for the day. I am going to eat something because my blood sugar is going south in a bad way.

    More this weekend probably. Maybe some more wannabe beauty editor stuff.

    Now I'm a little tired.

    And again, I love you guys.

    Homo Out.
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