Wednesday, December 30, 2009

It's almost 2010.

I don't do resolutions I do however reflect.

And upon reflection quite frankly 2009 can lick my balls.

Overall I am vastly unimpressed with the year.

2010 needs to be a rather Bohemian year.

By which I mean more art more beauty more love.

Yep.

(Pardon me while I sing songs from Moulin Rouge for a minute)

To that end I am not going to be such an asshole to myself when I'm feeling sad and vulnerable.

I have been working on that and fuck it's hard.

Now I must profess my love for you guys. This is my end of the year love letter to the internets.

My homies,

I've been journaling/blogging for a long time now. I started out with an anonymous angst fill journal on DiaryX back in the day. Closed that one and made one under the name Nudemuse at the same site.

Then DiaryX died a magnificent sad death and I started using the domain name I purchased and did nothing with except fiddle with HTML.

From way back then I never thought that people would be at all interested in my random musings and rants.

People started reading, people started leaving comments and things and damn it, you bring me a lot of joy.

Every one of you who has commented with a fuck yeah or I don't get it but yay and everything else.

Every one of you lurkers.

And yes you folks who come here to make fun of the fatty or try your damndest to troll.

It brings me more joy than I can ever tell you guys that sometimes things I say mean something to you. It brings me joy to hand you a little piece of me and know that some of you are carrying that around somewhere in your head.

So to end the year my homies I just want to say thank you.

Thank you for listening when I've been ranting about race or fat or sex.

Thank you for listening when I'm on about fashion and my ass.

Thank you for asking me meaningful questions.

Thank you for shutting up and listening when applicable.

Thank you.

I really hope that for all of you my homies and haters that your 2010 is better than your 2009.

I hope that you get some sweet sleep and have some beautiful dreams.

I hope that you love yourself and other people.

I hope you know that even those days when you are pretty sure you're the butthole of the universe, you still know that people care about you and love you.

Here's to a damn fine year.

You will probably not hear from me until after 2010 starts. I intend to spend New Year's even in my ugly flannel jammies snogging Uniballer and watching movies. Perhaps eating some delicious noms. I've been begging for tasty stinky fancy cheese despite the digestive consequences.

Happy safe and awesome New Years my darlings.

Love,
Shannon
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Monday, December 28, 2009

Dappled in glitter.

So my homies I have been thinking.

Traditionally the closing years brings about much navel gazing on my part.

So there are to be changes in the new year.

Holy shit right?

More outfit pictures and regular fat girl thrifting reports.

I am also not going to balk at myself so much when I'm feeling vulnerable.

More announcement type things later let's get on with some advice for my homies.

CG and a homie we'll call BH (Big Homie) asked essentially almost the exact same question except BH is a dude who likes ladies.


My Text Area 1: Ok, first off, I heart you <----this much----->. :) You are so awesome in every way.
Ok, I know that this is a silly question, but I am very isolated, so I do not have a lot of outside feedback, and what I do have is pretty disheartening. Also, you seem way more knowledgeable o' sage of the tingly bits. haha
Sorry for the preamble. I am a straight woman. I am considered extremely ugly by people, I do not agree with them. I am very very fat. I am not feminine at all. I do not aim for attractive, sexy, or alluring looks in any way. I am just not drawn to those looks. I am also very loud. Basically, I fail in every area of "shoulds" for women. I think that I am awesome. I have a lot of very good qualities. I love me and am comfortable with myself in every way, but my characteristics seem to make relationships impossible. Of course, I have seen women with a couple of these characteristics in relationships. There is no shortage of fucking in the world, but whenever I see a woman with all of these characteristics, it seems that they are single forever.
My question is have you seen a woman, or women, with ALL of these characteristics in relationships with people who are attracted to them?
Thank you,
C.G.


CG you and BH said a lot of the same things and my immediate short answer is why yes I have.

The thing about relationships and attractiveness is that the acquisition of the former is not necessarily a matter of the latter.

And you know I'm not going to blow smoke up your ass about it.

Ugly is when it comes to personal preferences and who a person is attracted to highly subjective.

I firmly believe that (societal ideals aside) no matter what you look like someone is going to dig it.

I say that for several reasons.

I've seen lots of people partner up when they were not what mainstream society would say is attractive, some of them were total pricks, others awesome people with "flaws". You name it.

Also CG the other women you're thinking of who have some of the same qualities you do but as you think not all, you know behind closed doors they might be a hot mess.

This is what I've discovered about other people darling CG and you too BH.

When you see/meet them they might look like they are pretty awesome but, fact is that they might be not as awesome behind closed doors.

So I say believe that there is someone out there who is going to take one look at you, or talk to you one time and then look at you like you are Mother Fucking Christmas.

Is this easy?

No.

However you CG and you too BH have some awesome things going for you both.

You both know you are pretty fucking awesome. That is a huge start.

Next thing if you're ready to not be single or at least date more widen your search. I personally was not a huge fan of dating when I was single and didn't do a lot of it. If I'd had the internet you'd be damn skippy I'd have been doing a lot of OKCupid etc dating.

One of the things I've learned about relationships is that the things that you think would make them impossible for you (in my case my occasionally insane needs for absolute silence and solitude along with a host of other idiosyncrasies and crazy) turn out often to be the stuff that makes people love you and want you.

Weird but in my life I've found it to be true.

Truthfully I'm no expert in finding relationships. All of the good ones I've ever had (including the one I'm in with Uniballer right now)happened by accident and when I wasn't looking.

So the bulk of my advice is this.

Relax.

I really doubt that there is any combination of things about you CG or you BH (or any of my other homies) that is so awful that nobody is going to love you.

I also think that there's a chance that your biggest obstacle to finding that somebody to love on and snog might be yourself. Despite telling yourself that you are in fact mother fucking awesome, having that side track of well I'm really really fat and loud and weird so nobody is going to want me, that is not helping your cause.

For some people finding that other person seems to happen quickly and easily for others not so much and that's okay. No really it is.

I also think fuck rules and if you're ready go out and get yours. Be the awesome person you are and you will find the awesome person you want.

Now my homies the floor is yours. Do you have advice for BH (dude)and CG (lady)?

Tomorrow um..I'm not sure. We'll see what comes out of my brain.

Although I am doing an official essay store relaunch after New Years with some more essays and stuff.

And please PLEASE if you buy something make sure you go back to merchant to download your essay. I put that on the pages but a few people have missed it and it takes me awhile to get to check my email sometimes.

http://nudemuse.org/essaypage.html

Now I'm off to eat a wee bit more chocolate and plot having to get up early because of public transport fuckery.

Homo Out.a
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Thursday, December 17, 2009

Yah rly...or Fat Epiphany of the year.

For the past few weeks I've been in an emotional roller coastery not so joy ride.

My self image has been suffering.

It's been really cold out and my ass has been cold and last night while I was in the tub and (yes I KNOW how silly this is) trying to roll my abdominal muscles in a certain way it hit me.

This whole pants thing is not new.

It's not new to my fat body because I have Always Had Problems with Pants.

Always?

Always.

When I was a size 5-7 for I dunno about a year or so I had two pairs of pants. One pair of Mudd mid rise dark blue slightly bootcut jeans and one pair of black jean style pants that were a weird poly blend of bullshit.

At that size I tried clothes on with impunity, I tried them on everywhere and had this SAME MOTHER FUCKING PANTS PROBLEM.

Up until my mid twenties I really did not have many pairs of pants at one time. One reason is that I really prefer skirts and dresses. The other reason is.....finding pants that fit is epic.

All this time I have been in such an angsty angry bad place. That bad feeling like there is something just wrong about my body ebbed and flowed tidally. Even looking at some of the ill fitting ass covers I have I felt upset inside. Not the kind of up top of the brain upset but the worse (for me) insidious kind that hides behind every day bullshit and then SURPRISE it's right there and I'm upset.

Last night while looking down my naked body I realized that the problem is proportion.

My body is not proportioned in a way that makes pants shopping easy. It never has been and will never be.

It really doesn't matter what size my ass area is. Smaller, bigger whatever.

I had to really lay there (until the water got cold and I had to refill) and let it sink in.

I won't bullshit you guys and say I'm totally over it because I'm not.

It's still a rough thing, it feels bad. I'm not as miserable as I was but it's still hard.

However.

There are things that make it better.

At Uniballer's behest we are having a very Old Navy holiday. We got ourselves some really nice things. I got some of the shirts I love from there and a clearance dress. he got some nice pants and it's good.

RH sent me the most lovely present from Torrid. Those Dickie's pants.

Oh the pants.

I squee'd so loud when I opened the box and tried them on.

HOly fucking SHIT DICKIE'S WHAT THE FUCK?

Those super cute pants that are supposedly mid-rise.

Um.

Those pants, seriously have about a 3.5" rise. I'm talking the waist band came just over the top of my fucking pudenda.

Um...what WHAT?

I called Torrid because the picture is misleading, they look midrise on the model who is probably 5-6" taller than I am and so reason says the rise would be fine.

I was appalled. Honestly.

Even if I were thin, pants with a just barely covers the cooch kind of cut are not for me. So I'm going to trade them in for something else. I also sent a note to Dickies.


Hi there. I was given a pair of your Dickie's girl for Torrid boot cut twill pants. I have to say the fit on them is appalling for something marketed for a plus size customer a very very low rise, small thigh and short/no butt room is a really poor representation of your brand. Torrid was under the impression that this was a mid rise pant which they are clearly not unless mid rise now means just above crotch level, the rise is shorter than my middle finger. Please -please- in the future give Torrid correct information as it is really disappointing to get something so off from what you're expecting. I have been wearing Dickie's brand clothes for a very long time and have never had such an issue with anything made by your company. It would be really nice to see a well cut pair of Dickie's pants (Personally I like the style of the Torrid pants the fit and pattern are the issues) that allow room for things like butts and thighs. As a consumer I will probably not be buying more of your products any time soon and I'll be letting other plus size consumers know about my experience. I think that the plus size options directly from you are incredibly limited and unfortunately is not a good representation of your brand. If you don't want to make plus size clothes just don't, it's better to not have any than to make them badly.


I feel better.

Moving along.

Now that I'm on the emotional mend tomorrow advice for two homies.

And more advice.

Probably some end of year naval gazing.

As for me I'm going to drink some delicious tea and plot for spring. And after Chrismakwanzukuh plot to go buy some leggings and things to keep warm.

Remember I love you guys.

I really really do and I'm so thankful so many of you are so awesome. You too lurkers.

Thank you for being in the universe.

Homo out.
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Friday, December 11, 2009

And that's what we call a failure of self esteem.

Okay wow.

Honestly I had a plan and derailed myself entirely.

This week I had big plans for launching my essay store and the other night after posting I had a moment of my self esteem at first stumbling a little then it went ass over tea kettle.

I don't feel like going into the gory details but suffice it to say I had a momentary crises.

However I will tell you the things that made me deflate.

I was/am so nervous about making non fiction that isn't regular blogging available.

Which led to me questioning the design of my pages and at some point the whole damn idea.

Now here is where things got shitty.

My self esteem issues tend to move from intellectual things and then into my body.

So this pants thing.

I've been wanting to not shop at Torrid. The fact is I find that the ratio of price vs quality control just does not work for me. Also most of their clothing just doesn't flip my happy switch.

BUTT (yes I used that form on purpose) the fact is I have yet to find pants from other stores that fit me right at all.

So Lane Bryant pants tend to not fit me correctly, Fashion Bug's pants meh, kinda fit but not really. So then we come to Old Navy.

I had 30$ that I was holding in tight fisted anticipation of buying these pants. Then BAM I got a coupon and was ready then my inner voice of fashion reason said, you know what happens between your ass and pants, get some on Ebay first. Also they did not have the size I thought I needed in black in stock.

So after lots of searching I found similar pants on Ebay for 4$. I got them. Meanwhile, I was able to try on a couple of other sizes of similar Old Navy pants because an acquaintance's girlfriend has a similar pants finding issue and didn't want to return them. So I tried on 3 sizes (except the one I bought on Ebay naturally)

The straight womans size 12 low rise pants fit me so weird. They were too tight in the upper thigh, too low rise (I'm pretty sure that if I bent over in them my butthole would have gotten air I had so much ass cleavage going) so those were out. Which got my spidey sense tingling that Old Navy mightn't be the way.

So then I tried the 14 in the same style and those fit in the thigh but fit very weird in the waistband which was a low belly area on me. Also they gave me serious camel toe which I'm not down with.

I tried on the Plus size 16 and they fell down. Just about to the top of my hips but if I took a step I'm pretty sure they would have slid right off of my ass. Which we can't have happening in the middle of winter.

So I figure that the regular womens size 16 pants I had won on Ebay would be perfectomundo. Which would then mean I could order at will from Old Navy directly when the original pants I wanted were back in stock.

Still with me?

So then the ebay pants came and they are very pretty. But they don't fit me very well. They are a mid-rise with a nice decorated waist band. Supposedly boot cut but they fit me more like wide legged trousers which is fine. But....

So the mid rise size 16 pants fit just over my belly button and just under my natural waist perfectly right out of the wash. But, they sag at the crotch and more sadly at the ass.

Uniballer says the saggy ass isn't too bad but when I wear them (I've worn them twice now) I feel so self conscious about how the pants just hang off of the back and at the crotch. And for some reason this week that really -really- upset me.

And when I say it upset me I kinda lost my shit and started hating.

My ass is not big enough to fill a pair of womens size 16 pants so, I got that bad feeling that my ass was just bad.

My proportions between waist and hip are strange and I felt like that was stupid and bad.

I kept being caught between being upset that I'm not just you know regular old fat or regular straight sized.

I kept thinking about how much easier my life would be if I was just a size 16 or just a size 12.

It spun out in my head in bad ways. I felt (still feel a little bit) like my body is just doing it all fucking wrong and that I would have to spend shitloads of money on bullshit and still not feel good.

It's taking a fuckload of effort to reel it in. And just deal with and acknowlege that yes, my size 12-14-16/L/XL/XXL ass fits specifically a Torrid size 12 bottom.

That's it.

That's not good. It's not bad. It just is.

It just fucking is.

I'm a little teary but fuck it's hard.

And honestly I get angry after I am sad about these things.

I get angry because there is so much time that I don't feel this way, when I do feel this way I feel like I am betraying a lot of my own core serious business values and that makes me fucking angry.

It makes me feel full of rage that I've only just in the last few years learned not to direct like a laser at myself.

I have to remind myself that I'm human and fragile.

That sometimes like most of us I am my own worst fucking enemy.

And while that's not a great thing it's not a terrible thing.

I can have these moments and then dig my heels in and pull out of it.

How?

This. Talking about it, going through it and now working like fucking hell to pull myself out of it because goddamn it there is nothing wrong with my ass.

No, I will never EVER have the magnificent bubble butt that I have dreamt of having since I was a teenager.

No, I will probably never EVER be any kind of size that makes a lick of fucking sense.

I can really remember how much worse this problem was when I was thinner. How when I was thin and supposed to be living it up in that whole bullshit fantasy I was quite frankly miserable.

When I was at an "ideal" weight I felt like the ugliest most misshapen thing on the planet. I hated my body so much. I hated it from stem to stern. I hated that I worked out so hard and still had a jiggly ass. I hated that while my thighs lost some girth they were way out of proportion with the rest of my body. I hated that because I was so thin my already big tits looked freakish to me.

I am so thankful that I'm not that thin anymore.

I am also thankful that in the long run I am pretty happy with my body generally speaking. I like that at this weight I feel proportioned correctly to Shannon Specifications.

So yeah.

That's where I've been.

And now despite my ongoing misgivings and nerves the store is here.

Shannon's Essay Store.

Now before you go running to look keep some stuff in mind.

My web design skills are not super awesome. These pages are very plain and I do like them that way.

Also this is my first try at doing a store related type thing. There may be bugs. If you encounter any problems there are email contacts on most of the pages.

You can view some of my fiction on the Other Writings page.

Currently there are three essays available all under 3$ a pop. I plan to add a few more in the next few days.

And there I have vented my spleen my homies.

I am feeling a bit better. And I won't give advice when I'm in such a fucking state, I hate doing that. So as I'm feeling better I may have another go this weekend or vent my spleen some more I'm not certain.

I am certain that I am going to eat some delicious Thai food tonight. Leftovers of win.

I'm also going to sit back and take a breath.

I'm ok.

Now later my homies and haters. Thank you for letting me vent my spleen.
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Tuesday, December 08, 2009

Oh my stars garters and everything else.

So holy crap.

You guys, OMG you guys.

I have been a busy busy lady. Aside from trying (belatedly, Gods really self, do you still really wait until it's fucking freezing to prepare) to get ready wardrobe wise for winter and doing something well kind of awesome.

My shop is 99% done. I have three essays uploaded, I have a paypal cart system in place. I did an about the author page that will probably go live last because I never know what to say on those. I did a bibliography page so you can read my fiction if you're so inclined.

I have written another essay and have another on the burner to edit.

My homies. LET'S DO THIS.

But first.

Instead of doing a newsletter I decided to do an announcement only Google group. So if you would like to be notified when I add content to my wee store or have something else epic going on (I don't imagine a lot of activity) please head over here honestly I have never really used something like that and I cannot promise I won't fuck up at least once. Feel free to spread that link around if you feel like it.

Next order of business.

My essay pages are not fancy. I used plain old school html hand coded in notepad by yours truly then tweaked in front page. So please don't expect any bells and whistles.

Um.

OH, I have more advice to give this week now that my brain is fully functional again.

We (Uniballer and I) finally got a real DSL modem from home which will mean more frequent posting. Our internets connection was so bad from home for awhile I could hardly upload pictures much less make posts and things. It's much better now thanks to a super deal we found.

In fat news.

I actually said that out loud a la a TV reporter type thing(wow I'm tired).

Anyway before I digress further I had a conversation with a prospective doctor.

See I am looking for a new gyno/gp that is closer to home. I have been making some calls and the top contender looked like a winner until we spoke on the phone.

One of the first things out of her mouth was doubt as to the validity of my last round of tests. As in my very low fasting blood sugar, my lower than average BP, my okay but not great cholesterol levels. She also was dubious about my repeated (and noted) wishes not to be put on some jackass diet.

She told me flat out that she would not be referring me for my joint issues until I showed a "commitment to lowering my BMI". Now clearly she had not really read my medical records and frankly I'm too fucking old to go through all that bullshit again.

I politely told her thanks but no thanks and that I don't need to see a doctor who a.)doesn't respect my wishes in regards to my own body and b.) uses such a flawed measurement as basis for treatment.

Upshot is the search continues.

Now I honestly have an already shaky (read as mistrustful) view of the medical industrial complex.

This comes from years of being sickly, injured, etc.

Most of the most valuable (life saving in some cases) things about my body that I have learned have not come from the doctors I'm supposed to trust with my life. Here's a wee list.

1.) Given the way that my body metabolically functions, being a vegetarian even a pescetarian is not good for me. My body does not function well without protein from meat. That's it. I spent a lot of years trying valiantly to be a vegetarian/vegan. I ate some really wonderful food but in the end, my body started to break down and I started getting sick a lot and finally realized that the intense cravings for meat were more than some by product of society that says HAY EAT MEAT. It was biological and once I started heeding my body more than heeding a set of politics I got healthier.

2.) Losing weight is not a cure anything for me. At lower weights I have had some new (low blood pressure) and some exacerbated (joint problems) issues. For me to maintain an "ideal" weight for my height and frame, I have to exercise a lot. When I say a lot it's in hours daily. Now even when I was doing low impact aerobic exercise that often, yes I lost and kept off weight but I also started having increased back, knee and ankle problems. Swelling, limping, laying awake at night having back spasms. That was not good for my well being in any fashion. Not to mention that no matter how hard I worked out or weights I lifted, my body did not aesthetically show a lot of that and emotionally that was fucking terrible. I have learned that for my particular body,moderate gentle exercise is the way to go. That will not ever keep me thin but it keeps me feeling better and that is more important to me than having a magazine ad ass.

3.) I have an intolerance to a lot of pain medications. Some give me terrible hives, others make me really constipated and I really don't want to be on anything like that long term so see above.

4.) I have learned to stand up for myself and my health. I figured out at some point in my 20's that some doctors are full of shit. That some doctors have money on the brain more than my precious health. That, sometimes my instincts are right. Most importantly I learned how my body functions. Being that there is no Shannon textbook available, I am the best source of tht information and I need a doctor who will work with that and work with me rather than look at me and say you's gonna die fatass.

It is far more important to me to spend the rest of my life feeling comfortable in my body and being as healthy as I can be than it is to look like someone else's idea of health.

To this end I will have another run at doctors after the holidays. Someone I work with gave me information about an Insomnia and Sleep disorder specialist who does not bullshit serious long term insomniacs about getting medication when needed. Hallelujah.

I am so thankful for that you guys don't even know. People who have never suffered long lasting (with me this is decades) insomnia really just don't get it and that is really frustrating.

Now tomorrow folks I'm coming at you with some advice for CG and another reader who wanted to remain anonymous but we'll call Big Homie. Then Corey my nerdy darling you're up on Friday. Then this weekend providing I find my fucking camera cord I wanted to share some thrifting wins and not so wins.

The not so wins have the most absurd story to go along with them.

Now if y'all will excuse me I am going to do some writing drink a lot of tea and try not to free my ladyballs off because wow it's fucking cold here.

As always, I do really love and cherish you homies and haters.

Do me a favor, tell yourself that you're pretty fucking cool. And if you question this assessment, remind yourself that Shannon said so and that's that.

Homo out.
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Wednesday, December 02, 2009

In what universe are you fat.

Spurred by discussion over at Fatshionista and some questions I've been asked I have been thinking about that phrase which I've heard said to me about my body, which I've seen on outfit posts, which I've seen in blogs and journals.

Now right now I'm going to talk about my body and my body alone.

I am a fat woman.

It doesn't matter which way you cut it, if you go by BMI (creeping towards deathfat I believe since I'm short and fat), my measurements, my fat hams, my actual weight (which incidentally I don't actually know, I'm gonna say around 185?), etc I am fat.

Now looking at me on any given day people tend to assume I am thinner than I actually am. Not a purposeful thing on my part, more due to the fact that I tend towards very good posture (head up, booty up, tits out, back straight -blame exposure to drag queens at an early age and years of school band), but I am usually working the good posture.

There is also how my unclothed nekkid body is shaped and how the clothes I put on my body sit on my flesh.

I have broad shoulders and big boobies which on a visual level can make the rest of me look smaller when in actuality, yep I'm still fat.

Also the shape of my nakedness is a sort of thick hourglass. However, my natural waist (where my torso has the smallest circumference) is way up near the bottom of my ribs. So depending on what I'm wearing I may look more apple shaped, I may look more hourglass shaped.

And again, still fat. Actual body has not changed in the slightest.

Why am I saying all this?

I'm saying it because there are few things I loathe more than the idea that because a body might not look fat in say those fabulous pants and kickass sweater, then all of a sudden there's the murmurings of, "oh but you're not really fat." Then the person who may not look particularly fat that day feels bad and it's messy all the way around.

I don't like that and frankly in the grand scheme of things I think it's unecessary and does a disservice to everybody.

So here's the bottom line.

Whether or not you feel like someone my size, or a similar size is fat or not really doesn't honestly make a difference as to whether or not that person is in fact a physically fat person.

And before you start saying to yourself or to someone else. OMG how can YOU be fat, take a step back and really look at the picture or the person. And maybe be mindful of how that might make that person feel, rational reaction or not.

Nobody likes it when parts of the identity they claim are ignored or pushed aside with a oh you silly ass kinda feeling you know?

Remember that visual does not always equal reality or alter reality.

And if you are the person who's body is deemed not fat on visual, don't worry. It really doesn't matter what someones judgment about the size of your body is, it changes nothing. Your experience is not invalidated or pushed away. Even if you have that moment of feeling like it is and that hurts, yes I know it hurts and it sucks but, fact is another persons judgment won't alter your reality.

We all know I'm still kind of a big ole hippy and I really don't like seeing us hurting each others feelers when it is really not necessary.

That said I am perfectly aware that sometimes no matter what happens someone is going to have hurt feelings, my view is that I like to know that there are those hurt feelings, and be mindful of that. I'm not saying everywhere has to be rainbows shooting out of everyone's asses and peeing glitter everywhere of course, I do fully believe that most of us are fully capable of being both reasonable and empathetic.

My big solution is the ever useful adage, don't be a dick.

Don't be a dick to other people and hurt their feelings on purpose, and if you do hurt their feelings take a second and acknowledge that if not apologize for doing so.

And if your feelings are hurt don't be a dick to the person that did it inadvertently or not. Even if they don't acknowledge that your feelings are important or valid, they still are. Even if they don't apologize, yep your feelings are still valid and important.

Now to illustrate my lengthy body discussion up there a few fotos of yours truly in varying finery with and without cranky greasy face.

Also yes my carpet is grungy because my vacuum is broke and there's only so much you can do with a broom and I can't afford a new one just now.

partyoutfit

DSCF3207b

summerygoth

DSCF3063b

See there?

All fat.

Sometimes I look a little taller (Oh SHIT and I just started singing this song after typing that *headdesk*going to be singing it all fucking night) now where was I?

OH right, sometimes I look taller, shorter, rounder, bigger boobed, etc etc. All still the same body.

Expect more outfit pics after I a.) find the cord to my camera and b.) reup my flickr pro account.

With that my darlings, I love you.

Homo Out
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Monday, November 30, 2009

Ready? GO GO GO GO...no wait.

So I did it folks.

I won Nanowrimo in what I'm calling 28 days because there were a few days I did nothing.

50K words.

A story I am into and that I actually would like to finish and shiny up into an actual book.

It was good.

I am so fucking spent you guys.

For serious.

And now that I'm done with that some announcements.

First thing Ih ave some new sexytimes/life advice coming your way this week.

I am pretty close to getting the first two essays up and available for purchase. I'm also going to write a little artist statement (can I admit I feel like a total douche typing that?) and everything. Hopefully I would like to a.) set up a newsletter for new releases for folks and b.)make this automated.

Rachel I will email you back probably tomorrow once my head stops spinning.

Um what else?

Oh I am in the process of designing my next tattoo. I'm torn between two literary quotes. One from Bukowski and the other Vonnegut and stuff. The Bukowski quote will be more difficult since it's longer. I dunno yet.

I'm also really looking forward to picking myself some stretching crescents for my earholes. I'm looking forward to starting that process over again.

Okay yeah I'm kinda spent and my brains..they hurt.

Thank you for being there and awesome as you all are.

GO TEAM FATASS GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO!

Homo Our.
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Wednesday, November 25, 2009

I was his first fat lover.

Instead of doing my normal Thanksgiving thing I'm going to tell you guys a dirty story without being too dirty. And yes, there will be more of these once my essays are up and running. The process is a wee bit more complicated than I thought but Uniballer is helping me out with that.

I am very excited about doing this you guys. For reals tho.

I'm not going to use proper names but all of this actually happened when I was in my early 20's.

Cast of characters:
Yours truly.
The Boy whom we'll call Hot Booty.
My GayBoyfriend at the time.
A muscly gay man in booty shorts.
Muscly gay mans slightly less muscly boyfriend also in booty shorts.

So imagine if you will myself in my early twenties, rocking some short purple hair and in the middle of my body changing in ways I didn't get. No, not late puberty but my body was returning to normal after some disasterous dieting and hardcore exercising.

I was feeling very unsure of myself, I felt weird and ugly. My hair had been kinda thinning, my skin was a hot mess. I did not feel like any sort of sexy anything. My self esteem was heading for the shitter. As an antidote to that one of my friends GBF (gay boyfriend) ordered me to put on something sexy, get all tarted up and get my ass to his house.

OF course I went and was feeling at least sorta kinda cute. You know that feeling when you're not really sure if you look hot but you feel kinda hot, and then you just go with it because the opposite feeling really sucks? Yeah I was there.

So GBF and I got dressed up and went out for some drinks, then of course dancing. Dancing makes it all better. I love to dance and honestly it was the best thing for me.

At that point I had no intention of screwing anybody that night. I was going to dance, and possibly make out with a few of my favorite snoggable gay men. Cop a feel here and there and generally have a good damn time.

Cut to a few hours into the evening I was having a very fine time. I was of course dancing inappropriately with people, I recall being sandwhiched between a big muscly dude in booty shorts and boots (OMG, HAAAAAAAAAAAWT) and his smaller but equally cute boyfriend grinding away to the music.

Yeah it was that kind of night.

GBF drags me away from the boys and tells me that there's a Known Hottie checking me out. Hot Booty as I am calling him here was one of those guys that lots of people wanted to tap that ass. I wanted to do it with Hot Booty, GBF wanted to do it with Hot Booty (which was rare because we really didn't have the same taste in men) Hot Booty needed one of us to tap that ass.

Turns out Hot Booty and I knew each other more than I realized, we had some mutual friends and as he reminded me had spent awhile making out at another club and that did in fact want to tap my ass. I was shocked honestly.

At that time i was the fattest girl in my group of friends. Even when I was pretty thin for me I wasn't that thin and it was rough. Most of the time I didn't really feel as though I was ever that girl. I didn't feel like I would be the chick that a dude like Hot Booty would be lusting after.

And suddenly I was and it felt strange but pretty damn good.

GBF and I had a code. When one of us was about to run off to snog and/or leave with someone other than each other we did that Margaret Cho bit at each other (that of course I can't remember the whole thing now) but it revolved around us saying to each other something like, "You're a big girl now" and then there would be a bathroom run to make sure whichever of us was about to touch some hotness looked presentable.

It worked and usually it was him I was sending off into the wild sexy wonder but that night it was me.

I went home with Hot Booty. I went home with Hot Booty and as we exited the club he pulled me into a doorway and grabbed my ass and we made out like the world was about to end. You know teh kind of thing that can make other people uncomfortable but we didn't really care. And a few people walked by and cheered and clapped, he got the universal man signal of "YEAH DUDE" from a couple of passing dudes.

Yes it was not polite behaviour but it was fun and we were young.

Luckily for us and any passers by he lived fairly close by and we made it into his front door before clothes started coming off.

Once we got to his place he did something that made me a little uncomfortable at the time but thrilled me at the same time.

He got me entirely naked and just stared at my body like it was mother fucking Christmas and he just got that bike he'd been begging for all year. He looked at me like I was the best steak he'd ever seen and he was starving.

He looked at me like my chubby stomach and jiggly thighs were the best fucking thing ever.

I blushed, I ducked my head and kind of covered up because to that point I hadn't really had the experience of someone openly being awed at my body in an intimate moment.

After I got through my initial awkwardness and embarrassment I felt so damn good.

And I will say that we screwed like bunnies. After that he and I were friends, the friendly sort of booty call that can be so much fun when you don't feel like dating.

He told me later that I was the first (his term not my favorite but the sentiment was there) "Full figured" lady and how much he really loved my body. Like really loved it and I remember feeling like the most beautiful and hottest piece of ass in the whole world.

Prior to that I had a hard time really believing that anyone would really love or appreciate my body. I thought that anyone I slept with was settling for me or if they did really like me were just dealing with my body.

Long after he and I stopped sleeping together and our social circles drifted apart I still remember that look in his eye, I still remember the sudden and serious knowlege that I was a hot piece of ass and how that changed how I viewed myself in a lot of ways.

I am not going to blow smoke and give you the usual line about never putting your self esteem in someone else's hands. The platitudes are only true for so much. Sometimes it is a nice and valid thing to want to have that kind of outside affirmation of your hotness and that is ok.

Don't depend on it for everything, but wanting it sometimes is normal and yes I'm saying it again okay.

The moral of this wee tale is that you, yes you. You with your saggy boobs, furry ass, bony spine, fat rolls, bubble butt, big hips, big belly, whatever you're working with are hot. And somebody is going to look at your naked body in all your glory and to that person you are Christmas, Thanksgiving, and New Year's all in one hot ass package.

Don't be afraid when it happens. Don't turn away. Don't hide yourself. Don't hold yourself back because you think there might be something wrong with your ass, don't hold out on your lovers because you think they don't love your body.

Love your body and let your lovers love your body.

Now go forth and love yourself. Yes in the literal sense. Let someone else love your body if you are so inclined.

No matter what your body looks like, you are the fucking bomb. Next time you doubt it, look at your nakedness in the mirror look yourself in the eye and say, "I am the fucking bomb Shannon says so."

Have a Happy Turkey day my American Homies.

And everyone else have a lovely weekend.

You may or may not hear from me as Nano winds down.

Myspace Text - http://www.sparklee.com

buy harry potter books

Homo Out.
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Monday, November 23, 2009

Where we discuss...Penis.

Now before I start doling out advice about the penis let's get a few things straight so we're on the same page.

I think dicks are awesome. I know there are a few penis having folks reading and your penis, yes yours is awesome. However, if you have a penis please don't to the helicopter because a.) it looks like it hurts and b.) can make me laugh until I pee myself.

And nobody wants me peeing.

Now let's embark on a discussion about penis and large peen in particular.

Here are the questions of the day from one of our dear vigin homies:



1. He's really well endowed. The first time I saw his penis, I was so scared. If I get to know him better, oral might not compensate for what I (or we) feel anymore and maybe we might "go all the way" but I am so terrified of the pain and the thought that I might get hurt...what should I do?

2.) Any tips for oral on such a gentleman? Plus, is it OK to swallow? I'm really scared I might throw up or something!


First let me take your second question.

You can swallow or not swallow as you please baby. Man come can taste weird. Some doesn't taste good, others might taste fine. What your dude is eating plays a big role in how it tastes.

I would encourage you to if you're not ready to swallow yet let him have his orgasm elsewhere. Where ever. On your boobs, in your hands, on your lips. It's all sexy and fun and you don't have to worry about jumping up to spit if you feel the need to.

Now for your first question.

I took it to Twitter.

Here is the consensus of ideas:


Using hands in conjunction with the mouth can save on achy jaws & fatigue.Also, pull back frequently, to flex the jaw muscles.


That is oral advice now let's get to the penetration.

You need some supplies.

Condoms (of course) and just as important you need lube. You don't need fancy lube if you don't want it. Feel free to head to the drug store and get some plain old lube of whatever flavor you find appealing.

The liquidy KY, the gel kind. I'd avoid the warming stuff. I personally take issue with things near my crotch that say warming. I just don't want it. Have your lube on hand and apply it liberally after he's got his condom on.

One of my personal favorite methods is to lube up the tip of him penis, then get a little inside of yourself, relax and hold on. And there's no such thing as too much lube.

Now for the fun part you have homework.

You need some penetration practice. Now I'm talking your fingers, his fingers toys whatever. Get yourself ready by checking out your pussy. The important things of note (at least on my list of vagina notes) if you are laying on your back say, what angle is comfortable?

What I mean by that is if you put your fingers or toy straight into your vagina does it feel good? Does it feel better if you go in at a slight angle? So yes my darling, I am instructing you to masturbate alone or with your partner. A lot.

Next thing, take it slow. I am encouraging you to take your big peen having partner by (literally) the peen and take charge of how quickly things are going. One of the easiest ways to do this is by getting on top.

From a top position you can hold his penis in your hand and control how quickly he gets inside you.

Or if you'd rather get vocal. Tell him when to slow it down, or hold up and give you a minute.

I know you're nervous so let's practice a couple of other things.

When you do decide it's time, remember to breathe. Also if you have been penetrated before (as in used tampons, masturbated etc) you probably don't have a hymen anymore. You may still bleed a little the first few times but most likely the pain won't be super bad. Now I can't promise it won't hurt because it might but know that after a time it won't hurt quite so much.

As for getting hurt. You will probably be sore afterwards. Your abs might get sore, your back might get sore if you two are going at it like some hotass pretzels.

The key to managing how sore you are later is take it slow, tell him if he's moving too fast or if something hurts. Don't be afraid to pipe up.

And if you're still not ready for penetrative sex there are all sorts of other sexy things you can do together that are pretty awesome.

I've already mentioned masturbation.

Masturbate in front of each other, show him what pleases you. Give him an up close and personal lesson. Tell him to sit out of arms reach and watch. It's fun. Or take his hands and pleasure yourself with them. Also super hot, lots of fun AND bonus it's educational.

Now I'd like to talk to not just your dude but to my other homies who have bigger peenors.

Yes you.

Let me tell you a few things that your lovers (current, potential etc) might want you to know.

Do not take your moves from porn. Please. Unless we ask for it rough, don't go in all crazy because that can hurt in a not fun way.

Do not be insulted if we want lube. As a big peen having sort lube is your friend, don't be afraid to lube yourself up before going in.

Spit is not lube.

Let me say that again, spit is not lube. No matter what the porn tells you it's not. And frankly that's kinda gross.

Use condoms that fit you. Use magnums or use the looser styles but use condoms that fit. Ill fitting condoms don't work as well as ones that fit properly. Along that same theme, make sure you know how to put it on right. Show your partner. If there's sexing going on, there are rubbers going on. Do it because you love your penis and you think your partner is awesome.

Also, be mindful of the size of your penis. Realize that you can hurt your partner and unless they ask you to, that is not awesome.

Lastly my big penis bearing friend, your cock is fucking awesome. Yes it is. Treat it as such and you and your penis will have a happy relationship.

Now my homies the floor is yours.

Do you have a big penis? Give our thus far virginal friend some advice.

Do you enjoy the big penis? Same goes for you offer up some advice for our homie.

Remember my friends sexytimes does not have to be serious business and I encourage you all to talk amongst yourselves about it. And the best knowledge is communal knowledge.

I'm in the home stretch of nanowrimo and my word count isn't quite as awesome as I'd like but the story is pretty fucking kick ass.

African Diaspora vampire tale.

Now my darlings you may or may not hear from me for the rest of the week.

I will close by saying GO TEAM FATASS! GO GO GO WRITE WRITE WRITE!!

And Happy Turkey day my American homies.

And I love all of you.

Homo out.
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Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Stuff and whantot.

First beforecontent while I am limping along with my Nanoword count (speaking of, Team Awesome -yes I unofficially call all of my Nano buddies Team Awesome- how are y'all doin?) Rachel I have no idea with Torrid feel free to email me at nudiemuse@nudemuse.org that address. :)

Just a few things then back to this monster I'm calling a novella.

First of all Trolls I'm talking to you.

If all you want to do is call me a fatass skip it. It's a waste of your bandwidth and my time clearing the shit out of my inbox.

Remember folks, calling someone "names" when they are pretty constantly saying the same fucking thing is boring and you're not even trying. Save your wrath for someone who's feelings you're actually going to hurt if that's your aim.

Second thing on my list (no really I made a little list so I wouldn't forget anything) I have some sexytimes advice to give and put a question out to some of my penis having/loving homies. So answers soon.

Thirdly, the weight I thought I gained was in fact a bit of bloating. I don't know how often I've mentioned it but I have some digestive issues and now that those have calmed down to a dull roar my pants fit better except of course for the ones that are too big.

Speaking of pants.

I went to Target on Sunday to see if I could find any that I liked. I did but, I am a smidge too fat for the juniors size 15 and the rise on the ones I liked was a little too low and I'm too small for the plus size pants (what few I found) and I had a little bit of a fit. And admittedly I fully had that "well if I was a little thinner" moment. It was a rough one folks.

The fact is that I keep seeing TONS of things that fit with my aesthetic go on sale hither and yon that would fit if I was about a size smaller. I had to really take a moment to work it out in my head. My body is at it's natural set point give or take ten pounds. Now I did spend some time working out what it would take for me (not anyone else, just me) to lose and maintain enough weight to lose an overall dress/pants size.

Currently I would say that my level of fitness is medium. Pretty good for me personally. I can dart up the stairs (knees willing) without huffing and puffing, I can make my walk to my bus stop which is a little under quarter of a mile at a good pace. Physically I'm doing pretty well if I do say so myself.

Now, in order for me to lose enough weight to actually make an entire dress size I would have to sustain (not just for a little while but as long as I wanted to maintain that weight) myself on a starvation level diet coupled with a hell of a lot of exercise and neither of those would be very good for me.

Mainly because I do not beleive that it would behoove my current and future health to do damage to my body with levels of activity it can't handle. This has nothing to do with my current weight but with the same health problems I've had for most of my life fat or not. I don't believe that it would be healthy for me in the long run to spend my time in pain, having a hard time walking just so I can buy more pants.

And the food.

Yeah I don't want to spend my time (and I've done it before) being faint or having my blood sugar drop precipitously. I don't want to be ragy all the time because I'm fucking hungry. I just don't.

And I really had to take a few minutes on Sunday to remind myself of these things in a concrete fashion.

I thought long and hard about this and saving a few bucks on pants when I need them isn't worth the stress or detriment to my health both current and future. It really just isn't.

Am I still a little peeved about it? Fuck yes I am. Fuck yeah I'd like to go round to whatever random sale I find and know I'll most likely be able to buy some pants but, I'm not so annoyed that I want to hurt myself to make it happen.

I did however get myself a replacement for my favorite knit skirt (that Old Navy fold over waist one) for 4$.

But then boo again, I could not find a bra I liked that came in a 40DD. Lots of 38's but not 40.

So I will probably reorder the bra I love from Torrid at some point.

In other news it is SO funny to me how much that ass seam in the We love Colors tights bugged me. I am super persnickety and neurotic about random things like that. I think if it was an up and down the buttcrack type seam I wouldn't have such an issue, it's the u shape.

I was thinking about it and really whenever I can feel seams (whether or not said seams are weird ass seams or are actually large or not) I don't like it. I have SUCH a thing about that.

One last wee thing I was wondering if any of you folks know what I'm talking about here.

Sometimes at the little import market Uniballer and I go to there are these enormous slightly super ugly pears that they get in. The sign is in Korean so I can't read it and I CANNOT find what they are called. They are usually more brownish than green, the texture is very juicy and they aren't rock hard like the pears I usually get. And they are huge, like the palm of my hand huge. They aren't the crisper Japanese pears and they almost look like Bosc pears but on roids and greener.

Am I hallucinating these pears? Are they not pears at all?

Does anyone know what the fuck I'm yammering about?

Okay now I am off to eat a little food and do some writing.

I love you guys.

Homo Out.

PS I'm going to try some new tags to try and make sure this doesn't post on the Fatosphere feed twice.
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Friday, November 13, 2009

Tights review- We Love Colors

Oh my darlings.

So much to talk about today.

First up my review of We Love Colors Plus size black striped tights. See them here. For full disclosure I was sent these tights for free via Twitter somehow (totally the second time for this sorta thing ever the first was a sex toy) and the communication wasn't stellar but whatever. I am a hosiery and tights lover of epic proportions and have been lusting for stripey tights.

Let's begin.

First issue I had with these tights is the sizing. The striped tights only have one plus size which is as follows:

weight height
160 - 250 lbs 5'5" - 6'


Okay first of all I am 5'3" and short legged. So I knew they were going to be too long at the get go. And I was right when I got them holy fucking shit were they long.

I have always been short legged so the length thing wasn't a deal breaker when I saw how gorgeous they were.

I got the black/violet and holy shit y'all they are so pretty. I couldn't get a super accurate picture due to cloudy weather/lighting at work not being great but here you go.



That does not capture how beautifully purple the stripes are.

So on a purely visual basis my first thought was WIN WIN WIN WIN.

After opening the package I really -really wanted to love them but I didn't.

My first issue is the texture. Being that these things cost 12$ I was expecting higher quality material. These were pretty much just like the usually cheaper Leg Avenue striped tights or other novelty tights you find.

Also too much nylon and not enough lycra means there is not enough snap back stretch and for the price I would expect that. Also it means that the tights are kind of scratchy which brings me to the construction.

Despite the heavy on the nylon material, while putting on the tights they felt okay. I have pretty long nails and poked a few spots while putting them on without making holes.

Now there is one huge problem for me with the construction, this weird ushaped ass seam. There is a seam that felt on my skin like I had saggy drawers or something and after about forty minutes I just wanted to take them off. Huge points off for that. I have worn many different brands of tights and never come across that. I am assuming that it's an added panel to give some room for junk in the trunk but I found it really uncomfortable.

Through the day, these tights sagged badly and I found myself hiking them up constantly from the thigh because the waistband area was pulled and rolled two times all the way up under my boobs.

Overall I would not actually ever buy these for myself.

For one pair with shipping to the US is 17$ and for me that's a lot of money to drop on a single pair of tights and I just wouldn't do it after wearing a pair. I was really disappointed with pretty much everything except for the color. I might have forgiven the itchiness of them if it weren't for the weird ass seam but there you have it.

A thumb and a half down.

For that kind of fit I honestly would spend less and buy some queen size that will run you anywhere from 5-7$ at costume shops etc around the internets.

Save yourself ten bucks and get a cupcake or a lipstick instead.

For me plus size tights optimally fulfill the following requirements:

Enough stretch in the form of lycra or spandex to keep their shape.
Options for short fat asses because fat does not always equal tall.
Options for long legged tall fat asses.
No weird ass seams. (Really I CANNOT get over that you guys, that shit bugged me so much you don't even know and I didn't bring pants to wear that day so I couldn't take them off when I got home.)
Adequately sized patterns. Scale the patterns so that there is extra room evenly otherwise they will not fit okay.

You get my drift.

Honestly, I really don't see myself paying 15$ a pair for the regular plus size tights at We Love Colors either. I love tights but that's really just too much for my budget.

I will sacrifice awesome colors to save some bucks.

For some other less pricy options keep your eye out at places like Just My Size, Target (Merona brand tights are love for me, the 1X fits me really well aside from being a little too long), Avenue, Woman Within. A random google search of plus size tights can bring you some awesome finds as well.

The bottom line is, I'm going to keep looking because I do really love interesting tights. I will probably wear the stripes again but probably with short pants over them and boots.

So back to Nanowrimo.

Tomorrow I want to talk about some fetish fashions and some fatgoth groaning. But I'll give some ideas for what I deem gothables if you're like me and not a super fancy goth in lots of sizes because I know some of my homies need bigger sizes.

Okay.

I hit 17K WOOOT and I'm aiming for 18.5 before I leave work in three and a half hours.

I love you guys.

Homo out.
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Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Thanks..

First off you guys are so wonderful and beautiful.

I talked to Uniballer and good news my darlings, my pants situation is going to fixed on SATURDAY!!

Despite the fact that I really want those Dickie's from Torrid we're going to Fashion bug on Saturday. The awesome part is I was lamenting pants while we were at Safeway and our favorite cashier hooked me up with one of those register coupons. So with the coupon I will be able to get not only some pants but probably a cardigan or a bra too.

And Rachel holy crap wow.

That is the sweetest thing. I got verklempt when I read your comment and I've been thinking about it. Being that my pants situation is almost in hand (in booty? Ew no) Here's what I'm gonna do and not freak out on myself about it.

This is a link to my wishlist at Torrid. If anyone (Rachel you too) would like to buy me something or contribute to the keep Shannon's ass covered fund you totally can.

I sat here blushing and mumbling for a good five minutes about posting that.

In other news being that Nanowrimo and I aren't on the best of terms right now I have three essays I'm ready to make available for download. I will probably put them up once I figure out the paypal shopping cart thing and get the page coded.

Um OH SHIT SON.

Okay inspiration has hit and I'm off to do some more writing. HopefullY I can catch up on my wordcount.

Again, I am so thankful that I have some of teh most awesome caring readers ever. I really love you guys. So much.

Sexytiems advice for one of our lovely virgin friends Sunday I think.

Okay yeah time to write.

And I love you myhomies. Love you so hard.
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Monday, November 09, 2009

Tru fax from hysterialand.

I'm taking a little Nanowrimo break because I have some shit on my mind. I was going to do a tights review but I'm not in the mood.

I'm having some Inbetweenie angst right now courtesy of a very slight bit of weight gain.

I don't know how much because I don't weigh myself I keep tabs on what my body is doing fat wise by how my clothes fit. And right now I'm having pants problems.

I gained a little bit of weight and the two pairs of pants I have that fit well don't fit so well right now. But it's not enough weight that I can easily go a size up.

So I am freaking out because despite my earlier declaration of a wardrobe without pants, I'm too much of a big fucking wimp to brave the uber windy rainy Seattle fall weather without said pants.

I also don't have a lot of money as most of you know. Matter of fact right now I have no extra money that is not designated for bills or food.

So my weight fluctating really tends to freak me out. I'm talking weight changes in either direction. It freaks me out because I cannot (ever) just go out and pick up a new pair of pants or whatever willy nilly.

As things stand right now after bills next week, I will have just about enough to pick up a pair of pants from one of teh local thrift stores. What this doesn't mean is a pair of pants I like but a pair of pants I need.

And I have to tell you guys I get so angry and upset.

It feels really dumb and I'm embarrassed to admit it but this is when I hate being poor. I hate being poor because I more often than not wind up with clothing that I absolutely need rather than what I absolutely love.

I fucking resent having to spend what little bit of dinero I have for clothing on shit that says nothing about my style or entirely displeases my sense of aesthetics.

It upsets me because I really LOVE thrifting but, I tend to have to buy this thing rather than buying this other thing and I hate it.

There I said it.

I'm sitting here blushing and I am really embarrassed.

But there it is.

I had intended on saving my clothes monies for one very specific pair of pants from Torrid (these in case you're wondering) expensive but I have been waiting (and writing Torrid at least once every two months) for some plain black twill boot cut pants.

I'm going to rebudget.

This type of situation is also why I'm so keen on figuring out some kind of side hustle so when these things come up I don't panic.

Anyway.

Regarding the weight Uniballer figures that it's not actual permenant weight. My appetite has only recently gotten back to normal after all that epic sickness/super insomnia so my body is readjusting.

Fuck guys, I really hate this feeling. I know that I will get through it and I will at some point get some goddamn ass covers but it's that panic, that moment when I am thinking OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK and my brain kind of grinds to a halt.

Back to the inbetweenie thing.

I will tell you right now, I really don't like this particular size of my ass. My life would be entirely simpler if when I gained 5-10 pounds I went up an actual pants size.

Whenever I gain or lose weight it tends to come off or come on all over in a rather evenish fashion. I say evenish because anything under say a size 10 my thighs/boobs and shoulders are out of proportion with the rest of my body, but over all my body gets a little rounder in general.

The reason this bugs me is because when I do have small amounts of weight gain or loss like recently, nothing fits properly. Not my pants, not my bras, nothing fitted fits right. But unless I lose or gain a whole lot of weight (over 20 pounds one way or the other) my actual clothing sizes don't change a whole lot.

So this means that I gain a little weight and my usually perfect pants are too tight enough that I don't want to wear them. But (like the pants I'm wearing right now) the size up pants are still too big.

A photo to show you.

It's not super quality but my pants are safety pinned pulled in about two and a half inches so they don't fall right off of my ass.

Photobucket

That bit near my fingers is the giant safety pin.

These are a torrid size 14. My usual size is yes a 12 as we've discussed previously.

So I am feeling crabby and angry.

*Note to self take a deep fucking breath.*

I feel a little better.

I will have new pants soon, I just have to make do for another week with what I've got.

Back to Nanowrimo. I'm a little over 11K in. Way behind but yeah.

Also I have some hand sewn stuff to show you guys at some point. And my first attempts at crocheted accessories including a cuff bracelet and necklace thingymaboober.

Also watch out for some new sexy times advice about guess what?

Penis that's what.

Also the epic tights review coming soon.

I love you guys.

Tell me what's new and fabulous.
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Wednesday, October 28, 2009

On Privilege.

Just so we all know where I am coming from a quick list about your hostess:


  • Shannon

  • Black

  • Cisgendered woman who identifies as a woman

  • Bisexual living more in a queer universe.

  • Poor

  • Uninterested in higher education. Graduated high school.

  • Self taught on lots of things. I like books.

  • Mid level fat. Right around the actual size of an average American ladytype.


So there we have it.

I'm not going to link to people because I a.)don't have a beef with anyone and b.)just don't feel like it.

So lately in the Fatosphere (yet again) there's been a lot of YOU no U...U NO U (and before anyone feels hurt, that's not a personal slam it's just how I read a lot of back and forth arguing in my head) going on and I'm really kind of over it.

Here is my take on privilege and what it can mean in a persons life and how it can impact interacts both face to face and right here in the intertubes.

You take someone with a lot of innate advantages that they may have been born with and may have earned. Now when that person starts to think about these things a few things can happen.

Guilt. That person feels bad because they maybe don't have to worry about whether or not they can walk into Happy Go Lucky Pants store and buy a pair of pants. Or maybe they don't have to be worried about being harassed by the general public because they aren't a person of color, or queer walking about with their partner, or fat. This person wrings his or her hands and doesn't know what to do.

Then maybe this person gets upset when someone says, "Hey you know you might be able to go into Happy Go lucky Pants store and buy pants, I can't and it really sucks." Now our person with the privilege of being able to buy those pants, might say "Wow I hadn't thought of that." Or they might get defensive and say, "So what it's not my friggin fault that my ass fits into the pants and yours doesn't. What's your problem"

The latter reaction is unfortunately highly common.

People want to put up their Anti Blame shields (even when there isn't blame involved) and defend their position.

It's a natural human instinct. You don't want to feel picked on or singled out, you don't want to feel like someone is giving you the stink eye because you are who you are.

Now the former reaction in my mind is the more productive one.

Talking about privilege is not about shaming a person because they are this that and the other thing and not this that or this other thing.

When I am talking to someone about privilege my aim isn't to make them feel bad or get to the point where they are rabidly defending whatever it is they think they should be, my aim is rather to maybe get that person to see that things are different for a lot of people.

For instance.

I had a friend with whom I was discussing how I had a shitty experience in a retail store. I walked into a store where I was the only black person in the immediate vicinity. I asked the sales clerk who was not busy (I worked retail for a very long time so my attitude with sales people tends to be on the very polite/understanding side) how much a pair of earrings was and she looked straight at me, shook her head and went back to screwing around with a display.

A white woman came in, the sales clerk greeted her enthusiastically, helped her find a few items and go into the dressing room. I looked around a little, willing myself to give her the benefit of the doubt. After about ten minutes I walked over to the sales clerk and asked specifically after the item I wanted.

In hindsight, I'm more offended than I was then. I was not dressed inappropriately, I was polite. The kind of customer I liked having when I worked retail which is something I try to do when I shop. I know how it is to have already pissed off customers when you as a sales clerk really can't do anything about it.

Anyway, this woman looked straight into my eyes, and said "You can't afford those. They are real silver." Then went right back to what she was doing.

The fact is I had enough cash in my pocket to buy three pairs of them. I had brought cash specifically for that item. Luckily for me her name was on the business cards by the register. I phoned the owner of the boutique and gave her a lengthy piece of my mind and despite being offered a discount until the day that place closed I never bought a single thing even though I loved what was there.

Making a long story longer, in this instance the white lady who was shopping while I was there did not have to think about the color of her skin in that instant. I did.

That is a privilege.

The friend I was telling this story was defensive for a hot second then had the reaction that makes my brain say YES THANK YOU, she said and I quote "That is fucked up. I didn't even know that kind of thing happens anymore."

That simple statement opened up a lengthy dialogue over lots of years about what it's like for me to be me walking around in my brown skin.

I'm trying to illustrate the point of talking about privilege in my world.

The point isn't to start bitching about OMG it's not my fault, and well what am I supposed to do about it.

The point is talking about privilege isn't really about you. It's about the people who don't share those privileges.

I don't want anyone wailing and gnashing their teeth because they are different than me, it turns me off. Matter of fact at some point it pisses me off. What I want as being (often) in the not privileged in whatever way category is to be heard and understood.

That is the hard part.

In order to hear and understand and get to a point where we can discuss these things rationally you have to shut up and listen. You have to let go of the idea that one must somehow defend ones position and never budge or pay attention to what's actually being said because it's not about you most of the time.

Also if your peers (as in people who are statistically and or in terms of privilege pretty similar to you) are telling you to slow your roll and listen you might think about doing so.

Talking about these things is probably going to make you uncomfortable if you're not used to it. It's going to maybe make you feel dumb because you don't know the jargon and you haven't read all the Unpack your backpacks and whatnot. That's ok.

Personally, I think if you can't wrap your head around these things or if you're uninterested in doing so, you should probably not open up the dialogue or at the very least have a blog that doesn't allow for comments.

Part of being involved in something like the Fatosphere includes probably seeing/reading some shit that will piss you off. It probably includes people who think you're a dick. It also probably includes people you think are dicks. The Fatosphere like so many other places on the intertubes is full of differing viewpoints, ways of expressing those viewpoints just like the big bad world.

However unlike the big bad world, you can easily just keep stepping past the people you think are douchebags.

That my friends is pretty much how I operate. That said, I in particular don't have issues talking to people who don't get me or like what I'm saying. That's fine.

In My Litterbox, you can say pretty much whatever you like in comments and I'm probably not going to ban you. However, be aware that if I take issue with a comment I'm going to bring it up. If you are going to troll at least put some effort into it. If you're going to say something you -think- might piss me or someone else off but you really feel the need to say it, strap on your hard hat because you might get called out.

It's how I roll and it's worked pretty damn well so far. Well not as in entirely smoothly because it hasn't been but well in that I can deal with it.

And that's about all I have to say about it.

Hopefully on Sunday while I am hennaing my hair I can get to my tights review. I'm very excited about it. I have some serious recommendations that are thrifty and excellent, some buyer bewares and some reluctantly approving things to say.

Also I am really SO excited about Nanowrimo you guys don't even know. I am seriously (and I just heard this in Scotty's voice in my head, oi I'm a nerd) I'm giving it all I got Captain! Everything that I've been craving in a vampire book is going in. It's going to be overkill yes but, it will also be like giving myself a present.

I feel like a growed up novel writing author. I have an OUTLINE OMG, I have my chapters mapped out OMG, I have my research done OMG. OMG OMGOMG. I'm really that excited about it. And I am taking some creative liberties with ancient history but I have an absolute LOVE of doing that so it's all good.

With that I'm off. Time for food and tea. I love you my homies.

And my username at Nanowrimo is CrankyShannon let's have a Team Fatass shall we?

Homo out.

PS feel free to add me at Nanowrimo I think I've added a few people but I have to check.
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Sunday, October 25, 2009

Friday of Random...er Sunday of random.

First things first, if you're feeling delicate I suggest skipping my next few sentences.

I have to say that the song in the video below reminded me that I would like to screw Billy Idol red white and blue. That man is a hot piece of ass.

There is no visual for this video but the audio, and yes. I say again Billy Idol is a Hot Piece of Ass.



Ahem. Moving along.

Actually wait a sec while I am lusting can I just say that OMG Skin+Jojon from Sevendust=Tasty mother fucking deliciousness of epic hot black folks proportions.

I've been having yet another week of bullshit sleep and I swear people, after having this issue for so many years, I really get to the point I might want to run headfirst into a wall just to knock myself out.

And don't worry about me overmuch dearest homies. I have been a terrible insomniac since childhood and I do sleep eventually. I quite honestly hate with a burning kind of hate, taking sedatives. I really do so I deal until I can't then I take the fucking sedatives and call it a night.

While I'm randoming this is for my fellow broke ass homies.

I've been doing this thing called SwagBucks and it's pretty amusing. Basically you can use their page to do searches, get some Swagbucks (like points) then use those in their store. They have some pretty neat stuff. E-gift cards, books, mp3's etc. They have contests and things and whatnot. Now, if like me you have some time on the intertubes I do suggest doing it here and there and getting yourself some swag. I am saving up my Swagbucks for a Sephora card and if you are so inclined please feel free to join with my wee affiliate link here and do some clicking, win some stuff. It's pretty low effort you don't have to do offers or bullshit. And my fellow poor homies, every little bit helps.

OH and I wanted to tell you guys that after Nanowrimo I am going to launch some NEW stuff.

I've been working (my coding skills are not super awesome but I'm determined to do it by myself..don't ask) on some special pages mostly link pages.

Part of why this is taking so long is that I am uber picky about whom and what I link to and I had to work out some personal reservations I had about affiliate type linking.

So here's what I've come up with and I'd really love your input.

I will have a page of Fatty resources. Links to blogs, feeds, clothing stores, and other important fatty stuff that I approve of.

I will have a *gasp* porn and sex toy page. All places/things I've picked. Some will be affiliate links some won't and I promise full disclosure on that. Also along with that educational sexuality resources for all flavors of sexuality.

My Amazon store already has it's own thing. And again all that stuff is hand picked by yours truly. I'll be updating it soonish.

And of course a page for people I just like. Bloggers, authors, artists, maybe a twitter list. I really get a personal bit of happy when I have introduced someone I think is fabulous to other people I think are fabulous.

And I'm kind of thinking of doing something else with my essays. This is based on my own inability to buy books at will, I think I'd like to offer essays via a PDF/Word/Text whatever option for individual download for like a dollar. As much as I'd like to do a whole book I am a.) not ready for that I think and b.) I really want to make what I do accessible without costing myself a shitload of money (as in doing the big fancy Lulu package) and without costing anyone who wants to read them a shitload of money.

Now I know I could offer them for free and I was very tempted to do so but, I am ready to take the step of wanting to be paid for my work. And a 1-2 bucks seems fair to me. So much shit is so fucking expensive and SO many of us are poor that I don't want to be that person you know? Maybe that's not totally clear but it's part of the whole convoluted mess that is my feelings about art and commerce which I don't want to go into here.

I've been sitting on these ideas for awhile. I've built a template I like and can manage fairly easily. But I've been hesitant because I don't want to come off as being douchy about it.

Another thing I have a bit of a want to do is some interviews with folks I like who I think you'd like. Would y'all be into that?

Now, I am 80% sure that I want to aim for a 2010 launch of awesomeness. I am even redoing my home page so it will be more like the portal to an actual website rather than just my blog.

And honestly, some of this is my way of exploring something I've wanted to do for a really long time.

I want to have a (adult of course) boot fetish/tease website. Mainly because I do actually have a boot fetish as in boots give me the special tingle and I think tease is fucking awesome. I want to see if I can in fact manage a website. I'm researching that and still deciding. But I do really want to do it with the help of my partner Uniballer.

Okay that's it my homies. I'm really fucking exhausted and in some pain. Uniballer has promised some delicious noms, and I have a shawl to finish crocheting.

OH wait I think I will be opening an actual etsy store sometime after new years as well. I've been crocheting like mad and made some really nice things. I have to save up some start up monies but it's another thing I'd really like to do. However if I decide that I don't want to do that I might just offer my things up for sale in my LJ. Jury is still out on that.

Regardless of whether or not I sell my crocheted things, I really love doing it. It's like meditation which I need.

Now I'm really going to bed.

I love you guys.

Homo Out.

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Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Indeed I do.

I'm not going to discuss the current fuss in the fatosphere because you know what? As I said yesterday I've been through it in this neighborhood before and I'm really just not in the mood today. Maybe tomorrow.

Rather I want to talk about some newish feelings I have about current feminism.

Now for you new folks I (as of what sometime last year?) no longer identify as a feminist. The last time I discussed it in depth was here.

For today keep this in mind. I am speaking to my own experiences here. These are my impressions and my feelings so if you want to disagree that's fine but, do take in the fact that I'm not trying to present facts or empirical evidence, I'm not linking to anything because I have no intention of having a beef with anyone.

This is how I feel.

Something I've come to slowly is that I'm terribly seriously and extraordinarily turned off by hard line anything. The idea that only what you're saying is appropriate and good and right, turns me off. When I get that impression I quite frankly stop listening or caring.

The fundamentalist viewpoint when it comes to any issue I come across is generally the first viewpoint that I like to edge out of my radar.

Fundamentalist views often get makes in my next issue with feminism as I have been experiencing it lately. The I'm educated and therefore correct attitude.

That isn't to say I have any sort of objection to being educated. I don't have a big problem with academia. What I do have an issue with is using academia and academic language to create a barrier between people. Especially when the people one is trying to reach may not be in that particular academic club.

It's just not my bag.

Additionally, as ever I have no patience for the idea that you cannot be a feminist if you do/believe/or feel like X. I think that's bullshit and I have a severe allergy to bullshit.

I don't like it (as if you've been reading me for awhile you're probably perfectly aware) when dissenting views are castigated for simply being dissenting. I personally have learned far more about the things I am passionate about by speaking to people who might not necessarily agree than talking about them with people who are just as for it as I am.

You can only pass around so many nods before things turn into a circle jerk.

I'm tired of hearing what issues are and aren't important. As with any set of issues that fall under a large umbrella term, if so and so with the eleventy billion readers, and forty contributors who all are brilliant educated people who also have written loads of important books and articles say, that X is an important issue and other issues are just Not. As. Important. I don't dig it.

I don't dig it because while yes, lots of things are tragedies, miscarriages of justice and fucking terrible there are only so many things I have space in my head to get worked up about. And if I were to express this in a lot of feminist oriented spaces I am familiar with, stones would be thrown. I don't like this trend towards having to search out every atrocity and get worked up about it.

The issue is not a lack of caring on my part, I do in fact care. However, my actual life is pretty fucking stressful and I only have enough Sanity Points for so much stress before I want to explode. I just don't. Which is why I have a tendency to not read comments on blogs or news articles. Which is why if within the first couple of paragraphs of something, if I think it's going to piss me off, I take a minute to figure out whether or not this is something I really need to be angry about.

Now maybe the spaces I'm thinking of do in fact welcome these sorts of opinions I don't know but frankly I don't have the patience to find out.

Moving along.

I have been trying to read a few contemporary blogs on the recommendations of a few trusted friends and I keep running into the same roadblocks.

A lot of what I'm reading just has nothing to do with the actual life I live. I have no special feminist tingle from the sort of I'm wearing designer shoes fist pumping type feminism I see a lot of. I don't identify.

I don't identify with the whole look at me I've got money and I'm awesome and Fuck you kind of feminism I've seen a lot of lately.

Basically it boils down to this.

I have an extreme intolerance to fundamentalism in any form. Whether it's religious, political or personal. I will not partake in things where if you do not believe in the One. True. Way. or you have the gonads to disagree with those in the position of disseminating the One. True. Way. Fuck you type mentality.

That's not the kind of person I am and it's not the kind of things I support when I come across it.

That is my big issue with a lot of current feminism, aside from rampant transphobia, racism (in the forms of blatant, insidious and sneaky and racism via ignorance) etc. I'm just not having it.

I think I'm done.

I'll revisit the issue maybe round my birthday when I tend to get introspective.

I have been doing some work regarding my feelings about religion and sprituality over on Dreamwidth. I am highly protective of it and have been waffling about opening it up. I'm not sure yet. I will probably make a decision this week and if anyone is interested in my yammering about spirituality (as in my OWN with the occasional side rant) let me know.

The essays are coming along. I've pulled about fourteen entries from here, some of my archived stuff from the Diary-x days and have been working on new ones. I'm not sure if they will be ready to be released on Lulu (yeah I know I could probably shop them around but I'm honestly not ready for that) by the holidays or not. The process has been way more intensely emotional than I'd anticipated I've hit some emotional land mines that surprised me and frankly it scares the pee out of me.

So with that my darlings I'm spent. I'm going to continue my research for Nanowrimo. I'm really excited about it this year. I'm going to be doing a vampire novel with way less focus on the European model of vampires. My main vampire is an ancient Nubian. There is going to be a lot of Egyptian religion, some of my own flavor of vampire mythos, sex, blood, and monsters who love being monsters. The type I've said before who will rip out your throat and fuck the hole and still feel good about themselves in the morning. Self loving monsters.

So yeah I'm still yammering fuck man. Okay now I'm really done. I'm going to stretch, make some tea and probably do a little fiction writing.

Homo Out.

PS a few people have asked where my little tag line comes from. I'll retell the story tomorrow.
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Tuesday, October 20, 2009

The Amoral Fatty.


a⋅mor⋅al
–adjective
1. not involving questions of right or wrong; without moral quality; neither moral nor immoral.


For the purposes of this entry I'm using amoral with this usage. Not the one that indicates some nefarious things.

The issue of the "Good" Fatty vs the "Bad" Fatty has reared up in the Fatosphere yet again. I've been around for it many times and my opinion hasn't changed.

I do not believe that it behooves fat people (or people in general for that matter) to buy into the idea that there are somehow more virtuous among us fatties.

Now the stereotypical "Good" fatty is about as follows:


  • Good Fatty exercises regularly or a lot.
  • Good Fatty eats a carefully created nutritionally optimal diet.

  • Good Fatty wears stylish and often higher priced clothing.

  • Good Fatty doesn't have an eating disorder.

  • Good Fatty toes the party line.

  • Good Fatty never discusses or admits to any desire to lose weight or otherwise alter the shape or size of their body.



I could go on but you get my point. I don't say these things out of meanness however these are some of the things I've seen "bad" fatties question about themselves and thus feel like they are being edged out or are not welcome in many FA spaces.

I do not buy into the idea that there is a moral hierarchy to the size and shape of bodies. The fat person who does the above things is no more "good" in this context than the fat person who yes has an eating disorder or who is just fat because they (insert reason here) or that fat person who is not comfortable in their skin and does have a desire to lose weight.

I don't buy it, endorse it or take part in it.

I would prefer that rather than pointing fingers and telling people why they shouldn't say this that or the other thing, that we listen.

For me a big part of activism is hearing dissenting view points. If someone comes here and says, I think it's fucking awesome that you are a happy fatty but I'm not and I don't know if I want to lose weight or try to love myself as is, that is fine with me. A lot of people are not going to suddenly come to the conclusion that

It's fine with me because I've been there and even if I hadn't, I am more than happy to help you work it out by just being here talking.

To take this out of being strictly FA related.

I don't believe that good health is a moral issue as I've said before.

I don't believe that if you eat the textbook perfect diet, and exercise for hours on end that you are any better than the person who eats Mickey D's daily and wouldn't walk to the escalator. And the fact is, there are fat and thin people at both ends of that spectrum.

It is what it is.

To come back to FA in particular I think it's damaging to the cause to seemingly embrace this dichotomy. If we can't treat each other like our personal choices are awesome regardless of what they are, how can we expect the word at large to do that?

I would like to see less disclaiming that X persons choices are not at all the norm, oh no we're not all like that type thing.

I personally would like to see that someone like Heidi doesn't have to say things like this:


I am a really BAD fat and there don’t seem to be very many of us, so it’s a little lonely, even in the Fatosphere!


Honestly if people have to keep saying things like this, I don't want to play anymore. I don't want to play if we keep finding it necessary to use these kinds of labels to get ourselves (or those of us who are "good" fatties) accepted.

For the record, everybody is welcome here. Dieting? Unsure? Skinny? Super healthy? Really not so healthy? Fat? Kinda fat? Sorta fat? Super fat? Exerciser? Expert in reclining? Whatever.

You can play too.

This here is not a Good Fatty place.

I am not a Good Fatty.

I am not a Bad Fatty.

My fat is amoral.

I am just, fat.

I think that's all. I'm having a long day and everything is getting on my nerves.

I promised outfits didn't I?

I posted them in my lj here they are if you wanna have a looksy. Feel free to comment there or friend me if you want to. Also remember if you're going to steal my pictures to snark on, don't hotlink.

With that my darlings I'm done. My tummy is telling me to drink some Wu Yi Oolong with my crackers and study my notes for Nanowrimo. HOly shit y'all I'm doing fucking NOTES for once. This might turn out to be yanno a real novel.

Okay my homies and haters. Tomorrow I have a post about haters in mind that I hope will make you giggle and at least one special reader feel better.

Your mission for tonight is to at some point catch your own reflection give yourself the nod and say fuck yeah. I think we all need it today.

Homo Out.
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