Thursday, January 29, 2009

Lofty aspriations for FA.

I was reading this entry over at SP and it reminded me of something that happened to me a long time ago.

When I was around 23 or so I met this woman who I had one of those strange instant OMG ME TOO feelings with. That doesn't happen often for me, at least not when it comes to an instant we only said three words and are finishing each others sentences kind of way. At that time I was just discovering body acceptance and I remember we talked about it one night as we were sitting in a bar trying to look fabulous.

Mind you, at the time I was actually a bit fatter than I am now. I had gained quite a bit of weight after a back injury and looking back I was feeling a bit wibbly emotionally because of it.

She on the other hand was what many people would deem painfully thin. I'm talking if she exhaled you could clearly see ribs, she usually was relegated to the childrens section for dresses and such. She was too long legged but short to wear the kids sized pants. She looked a bit ill frankly and knew it.

I met some of her family and that is the kind of stock she came from. Her father reminded me of cartoon depictions of Ichabod Crane. Extremely tall and all arms and skinny legs. Her Mom wasn't as tall but was just as thin. I remember she told me (because I asked) that the only time she'd ever in her life been a normal weight was while she was pregnant.

She used to joke that she was descendant of the Great Stick People.

At the time I admit I would occasionally feel a little jealous until I started paying close attention to how she was treated by people. I would watch people look at her with serious contempt and disgust. I remember we went shopping together once and I heard the sales girl mutter, "gross" when she was bent over looking at something because you could see her spine through her shirt.

Moving along she wound up moving at some point and prior to that we had a sit at home get piss drunk girls night together and she spilled a whole lot to me.

What sticks out most in my mind is how anguished and guilty she felt about the natural state of her body. She told me that she'd spent some time trying to binge eat in an attempt to gain a little weight. She said that she went on all sorts of crazy diets (sound familiar yet?), that strangers made her cry, that she'd been called terrible names as a child, teenager and adult by strangers.

She talked about trying to find adult clothing. Her body was at the time pretty much shaped like a pre-pubescent boy and she had a devil of a time finding anything she felt was grown up and feminine that fit her at all.

Now, let's take a break for a second and if you'll indulge me for a moment think about how often we hear the same thing from fat folks?

Not the exact same of course but, a vein of shared experience.

Tears? Humiliation in the store while trying to buy clothes? Shame? Doing harmful things to try and make your body do what it might not be able to do?

Prior to that long ago heartfelt talk, I had never ever given a thought to someone thin having a hard time. I had never thought that the outsider status of my own fat body and the feelings and experiences of living in that body could be shared or understood by someone so entirely different.

My point here is that I would really love to make room in FA for not fat people, or even very thin people.

Mainly because the same person who calls you a fat bitch, is probably the same person who would call someone like her an anorexic bitch.

Because that would hurt you like it'd hurt her.

Now maybe I'm getting a little hippy dippy here but, I think that we have to expand our ideas about experience. I truly believe that the more of us who say, my body isn't here for you to judge, the more of us (us here being human beings specifically) who are taking a stance and being defiant and living in the bodies we have happily the better.

Honestly I would like to see Fat Acceptance become obsolete and unecessary. Ultimately I would like to see FA morph/intersect with/join with the more simple body acceptance. I would like to see a world where we don't have to say, well you're not fat so you can just be an ally.

I would like to see all of us who experience these awful things look at each other and be the voices that say no, we will not put up with this.

I say these things not because I dislike FA or whatever but because, I think the overarching messages of FA would do a shitload of people good and would gain a greater reach.

Part of my whole life philosophy I suppose you could say is seriously opening arms to more people as opposed to less. I want ALL of us, (homies, haters, fatties, skinny folks, homos, not homos, everybody) to be able to live our lives, stand straight proud and happy.

Lofty aspirations maybe but there you go.

Okay I am really seriously finished right now. I have got a weird and bad migraine that is causing my sense of smell to get wacked out.

I went for some OTC drugs at Safeway and sparkly water, and something in the coffee aisle interacted with the migraine and now all I can smell and somewhat taste is that sweetened hazelnut creamer, you guys know what I'm talking about? Anyway it's making me seriously nauseated and cranky.

So yeah.

OH also note to self, talk about Japan tomorrow.

Homo Out.


Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Sex race and some thoughts.

Awhile back I had another sexuality/musings post and in the comments (I don't recall who said it now) someone said that it's thought that kink is not a Black people activity.

This is something I've heard my entire life. Not about kink specifically all the time but, that there are certain things that Black people just don't really do.

In pretty much every instance I've seen that adage proven wrong.

Now what's unfortunate is that these invisible parameters have come from the Black community and often there has been a hint or outright shame attached when one of us does something deemed "White".

Over the years I've heard lectures from elders, peers and family members about everything from my manner of speech, mode of dress, piercings, reading habits, musical tastes, my nail color, how I've worn my hair, what I read, the fact that I am an avaricious reader, my lack of interest in practicing any form of Christianity, my generally pagan leanings, my love of Ireland, my love of Mesopotamia and early cultures...yes it goes on but you more than get my point that is deemed just too White.

Generally speaking, I can be calm enough these days to respond with disappointment when Black folks do me (and the rest of us)that kind of disservice. There was a time when these things would cause instant nuclear anger because I was deeply hurt but now, though the hurt remains I can be calmer about it.

This pertains to sex in that, Black people with whom I've discussed sex have on more than on occasion labeled my proclivities to be "White" things. Or gone so far as blaming my bisexuality on my being around a lot of White people in my life.

Absorb that for a minute.

Smart, thinking people have told me point blank that bisexuality and homosexuality are constructs of White people.

Not one person has ever been able to justify that type of statement to me in a manner than doesn't sound like pure horseshit.

I wonder quite often to other races do this to each other? Most of the people I consider close to me wouldn't think to speak to me or anyone else this way.

Further I wonder why more of us aren't talking to each other about how some of the stereotypes that pervade our community are hurtful and harmful.

For all the talk of things like sisterhood and solidarity, where is this? Or is it only if you fit into a narrow view?

So I will say it okay?

My brothers and sister, my people.

Being a person of color in these United States is a difficult enough thing, we all know that by now. Why do we make this harder on each other routinely?

How can we expect others to treat us with the respect we want if we can't treat each other with that same respect?

How can we expect that our children (especially our GLBT children) will survive if we hold onto ideas that are harmful? Read this, and tell me what the blue fuck are we doing?

And if you stand behind your religion of choice, how is it within the parameters of that religion to cast out our sons and daughters? Where is the love inherent in many religious mandates?

How can we expect our men to respect our women if women don't respect each other?

Many of us come from backgrounds and cultures that have issues with sexuality, many of us try so hard to walk that line between autonomy and avoiding stereotypes we forget that things must change to grow, that fear is no way to live a lifetime.

We have to talk to each other and teach each other. We have to look at our elders and tell them that yes, we respect what they have to say but their lives are not our lives. We have to look at our peers and say the same, we have to remember it for the sake of our children.

We have to learn that the things that make us different from each other are not things to quash or be ashamed of.

We have to remember that part of the struggle is being honest.

We have to love each other before anyone else can love us.

So when someone does something that you don't identify with, that you would never do, that bothers you, that makes you uncomfortable, that goes against your faith, take a breath.

Remember that person is outside of you.

Remember that it's far easier to disrespect someone you have issues with than it is to really examine those issues and either move past them or agree to disagree without shaming others.

With all that said what am I going to do?

I am not going to be ashamed.

I am going to be mindful of what I say and try my damndest to be who I am.

I am going to try very hard, to not be so hurt and disappointed with my brothers and sisters and instead, talk to them when I can.

I am going to try and be a resource.

I am going to be that person someone can point to and say, "wow me too".

I am going to be open. I am going to answer whatever questions I get not with anger but with love, maybe not love for the asker but love for the idea that somebody might need to hear what I have to say.

So all that said here are some links.

OutProud's resources for GLBT youth mainly. Some excellent links for everyone. I highly recommend checking out the faith section.

Kinky people of color have a gander at this.

National Coalition for Sexual Freedom.

You can do some of your own googling.


Homo Out.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

More on Beauty and appreciation.

Over the years I've read a number of articles, journals, message boards etc where one of the rallying cries of those who loathe the fatties is "don't force me to wanna do you".

Now being that usually these are followed by varying levels of non nonsensical ranting let's get a few things straight shall we?

Attraction and lust are strange sometimes complicated things. Now granted I don't have the research at hand but, I firmly do not believe that anyone can be forced into having serious attraction for someone else. That is absurd to me and nowhere have I ever seen (whether it's fat,race, etc related) anyone saying anything akin to YOU MUST THINK I AM HOT YOU MUST DO IT DO IT DO IT.

This is not A Clockwork Orange, no one is going to clip your eyelids open and flash images of fat asses until you get a chubby.

Believing that people should not be harmed or demonized or treated shitty because of how their physical body looks or how they present themselves in a physical sense has nothing to do whatever with you or your homies thinking someone is hot.

That said, I think there is nothing at all wrong or weird about maybe making an effort to change your own perceptions of what beauty can be.

I don't believe that it is threatening your autonomy to accept the suggestion that someone outside of your normal parameters for beauty is in fact a beautiful being. Or even if you can't go that far, why not look at a piece of art say a photograph and think "wow that is a really gorgeous shot."

Personally I have a philosophy that widening one's horizons when it comes to appreciating the diverse wonder that is humanity isn't a bad thing and it's not just about sex and attraction.

For a minute let's take this out of the context of people since that seems to hang people up. Let's talk about nature.

Let's say you are a dyed in the wool city dwelling bug hating person, you don't camp, you don't want to go on eco tours of some wild enviornment, you dig your pavement and sky scrapers and whatnot. Got your character?

Who's to say that you as this person can't look at a picture of a forest or waterscape and say, holy fucking shit that is beautiful?

You don't have to of course, but would that be horrifying? If someone showed you a beautiful picture of a mountain would you then get irate and start yammering about how, "I DON'T HAVE TO LIKE MOUNTAINS YOU ASSHOLE WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LIKE MOUNTAINS?"

Maybe you really really love apples and someone offers you a slice of blood orange, does that mean you have to love the orange? No. Does it provide you an opportunity to maybe find something you really enjoy? Yes.

I believe it behooves us as humans to learn to use more of our brains and I believe that involves developing an appreciation for each other that goes beyond, "Oh that is a hot ass" or "ZOMG gross fat ass".

For instance.

Look at some of the photographs here. (some NSFW)

And this art.

Look at this photo (one of my personal favorites of all time).

Look at the Illustrated BMI project.

Not one of these images needs to (nor am I asking for) sexual approval or excitement.

What I am talking about here is very simply appreciation.

   /əˌpriʃiˈeɪʃən/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [uh-pree-shee-ey-shuhn] Show IPA Pronunciation
1. gratitude; thankful recognition: They showed their appreciation by giving him a gold watch.
2. the act of estimating the qualities of things and giving them their proper value.
3. clear perception or recognition, esp. of aesthetic quality: a course in art appreciation.
4. an increase or rise in the value of property, goods, etc.
5. critical notice; evaluation; opinion, as of a situation, person, etc.
6. a critique or written evaluation, esp. when favorable.
1600–10; earlier appretiation < LL appretiāt(us) (see appreciate ) + -ion, or < F appréciation

You do not have to approve of anyone, you do not have to want to have their love children and frolic with them naked.

But give yourself the chance, give yourself the opportunity to see other beautiful human beings for the things that make them unique and wonderful. Appreciate the skill in capturing even a hint of that awesome beauty that many artists have.

And in that, maybe count yourself a part of the diverse wonder that is humanity. You never know, you might catch some happiness. You might decide you don't have to embrace what passes for beauty and wonder in our society. Maybe, instead of being angry when faced with someone who is different from you, you might smile. You might not want to do it with them, you might want to. That makes no difference to me whatsoever.

I am not a scientist, I am not a sociologist, I am not a doctor of anything but I do wholeheartedly believe that taking a minute to slow your roll and reel in the venom, take a breath and appreciate something or someone who is wonderful and beautiful is good for the soul.

I'll leave you with this bit of poetry that I love:

Beauty XXV by Khalil Gibran
And a poet said, "Speak to us of Beauty."

Where shall you seek beauty, and how shall you find her unless she herself be your way and your guide?

And how shall you speak of her except she be the weaver of your speech?

The aggrieved and the injured say, "Beauty is kind and gentle.

Like a young mother half-shy of her own glory she walks among us."

And the passionate say, "Nay, beauty is a thing of might and dread.

Like the tempest she shakes the earth beneath us and the sky above us."

The tired and the weary say, "beauty is of soft whisperings. She speaks in our spirit.

Her voice yields to our silences like a faint light that quivers in fear of the shadow."

But the restless say, "We have heard her shouting among the mountains,

And with her cries came the sound of hoofs, and the beating of wings and the roaring of lions."

At night the watchmen of the city say, "Beauty shall rise with the dawn from the east."

And at noontide the toilers and the wayfarers say, "we have seen her leaning over the earth from the windows of the sunset."

In winter say the snow-bound, "She shall come with the spring leaping upon the hills."

And in the summer heat the reapers say, "We have seen her dancing with the autumn leaves, and we saw a drift of snow in her hair."

All these things have you said of beauty.

Yet in truth you spoke not of her but of needs unsatisfied,

And beauty is not a need but an ecstasy.

It is not a mouth thirsting nor an empty hand stretched forth,

But rather a heart enflamed and a soul enchanted.

It is not the image you would see nor the song you would hear,

But rather an image you see though you close your eyes and a song you hear though you shut your ears.

It is not the sap within the furrowed bark, nor a wing attached to a claw,

But rather a garden forever in bloom and a flock of angels for ever in flight.

People of Orphalese, beauty is life when life unveils her holy face.

But you are life and you are the veil.

Beauty is eternity gazing at itself in a mirror.

But you are eternity and you are the mirror.

Homo Out.


Monday, January 26, 2009


There is an unfortunate by-product of me reading so many blogs.

There are a lot of blogs I ready by women and one very common theme in what is (if I do say so myself) a hell of a diverse roster, is so often women feel they must repent for apparent dietary misdeeds.

Whether it's one of the make up loving ladies I read bemoaning her decision to have a cupcake and her "punishment" of an ass kicking workout (I originally typed wardrobe because I was totally looking at clothes earlier) in the morning or it's the literary diva bemoaning her love of a pair of pants that makes her look chunky, it hurts my heart.

It hurts my heart to see women shaming themselves and often others due to these perceived "sins"- against what?

Who are they sinning against?

There is nothing wrong with wanting to be healthy. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be thin, where I see the wrong is the idea that someone somehow has moral failings if they eat a fucking cupcake.

This is an area where I think we fail each other as human beings. By assigning moral goodness, rightness or badness and wrongness to foods we are essentially kicking each other in the spiritual crotch for no reason.

Now food ethics aside here (because I don't care to argue about it and I will start frothing about class and whatnot), I have yet to find someone who can give me a compelling, intelligent, well put together reason that someone should shame themselves for having a snack, or wanting a cupcake.

I think a huge part of this problem for women speaks more to the idea that women are not creatures of appetite. That women are somehow inherently immune to (unless they are pregnant and then only a point) cravings and yes, beastly up front desires.

If you have a glance through any magazine (from silly newsprint tabloid to supposedly reputable publications) how often do you see a picture of a famous woman who appears to be eating something "unhealthy" and there's almost always some kind of back handed aside.

Think about it.

Now the harder thing to think about is why do we do this to each other?

How could we (you, me, that guy on teh corner) start putting the brakes on?

Here we arrive at just speaking up.

When your BFF or whomever is lamenting their want of some cheesecake or bacon, tell them it's ok.

Not that it's okay for a special occasion, or that they'd better head out to the gym right after, just say, "that sounds awesome enjoy it."

Quite frankly I think there is already plenty going on to feel bad about.

This is not a manifesto but I am taking a stand.

I will enjoy my appetites.

I will not feel ashamed if all I want for dinner is bacon and a granola bar. I will similarly not feel ashamed to be juicily, hotly, magnificently human in all my foibles and oddities.

Now I know there is going to be somebody who's' going to be horrified.

If women give in (yes note the language there) to their desires won't they all get fat and go insane?

Actually probably not.

I believe that when we fight ourselves less over things that are often in the long run not such a big damn deal we are happier.

I also believe that we must change the language surrounding women and their desires. We must start chipping away at the terrible guilt so many of us are burdened with.

Sometimes, it's as simple as saying "It's okay".

Sometimes not so much.

Now of course, if a food say peanut butter would kill you of course I would ask that you not partake. But, your desire for it doesn't make you a bad or lazy or terrible person. You're just a person.

So I will wrap up and say be nice to yourselves and each other.

Now I'm off my friends.

Tomorrow I have some musing to do about fat and sex. Someone asked me some interesting personal questions and that sparked some thoughts.

But for now I have an essay to edit and tea to drink.

Homo Out.


Thursday, January 22, 2009

Blogging for choice day.

Today is blog for choice day, see details here.

I don't have anything to say you probably haven't heard before.

So I want to tell you a story okay? And this event is what cemented my stance of being Pro Choice.

I had a very dear friend who was terribly afraid of getting her lady parts looked at by a gynecologist. I was quite preachy about this sort of thing at that age and spent a lot of time lecturing and generally bothering the fuck out of her until she agreed to go because she was sexually active.

So I convinced her that the two of us should take a day together and go to clinic to get examined, get her birth control and then we could go out for tea and cupcakes or something.

We were teenagers and felt like grown up responsible empowered ladies. At that point we felt like the very embodiment of WOMAN. Granted we were quite terrified as it was a first for both of us but, we were ready.

Until we got to the clinic.

We were greeted by red faced angry people waving signs with pictures of dead babies, ruined uterus(es? what is the plural of uterus anyway?)and probably worst of all, at least for me was picking out each person who called me a murderer.

People I'd never seen in my life were calling me a whore, telling me I was going to hell, someone managed to push me. There were people throwing fake blood, what I think might've been meat or something. But the most horrifying thing was the rage.

I had never in my young life been the target of that kind of unreasoning rage and I was so scared. We were so scared and wound up being ushered into the clinic (which had just opened at the time and has since closed) by some nurses and we were hysterical. I have never been so afraid in my life.

The hatred was palpable, every person outside of that clinic seemed to be ready to beat the shit out of us and worse we weren't even there to get abortions. I remember trying to tell a woman who was screaming in my face that I was a "dirty whore" that I just wanted to get a papsmear.

We called my friends Mother who came swooping in to get us like a very very angry mama bear. She took us home after giving the protesters a piece of her mind. We were taken home and put to bed and fed treats.

After that I started looking for reasons why anyone would do that. They didn't know me, they didn't know what I was doing there. After the fear passed I was pissed off.

This is why I'm Pro Choice.

I would never ever dream of treating someone I didn't know this way. Not under the guise of doing "Gods Good Work" or whatever.

I remember later on I was asked to not come back to a church with some friends because, I didn't want to protest a clinic and I told the church members that I thought their postcards with pictures of dead children were obscene.

The fact is, I am not certain if I would ever have an abortion for any reason aside from the possibility of my own demise or other serious health risk. But, I would never ever treat another woman this way.

I would not treat someone this way because I don't know her situation, her mind set or even what her beliefs and values are.

I would not because I don't want to see women in back alleys bleeding out, getting infections and the like.

No matter what you would do for yourself, please don't leave the rest of us in the wind.

I think that's about all.

Monday, January 19, 2009

Not the droids your're looking for.

I'm really not in the mood for serious racial discourse today so you don't get any.

I've been reading the Rumpus and it's pretty goddamn good writing. Through and through so you should read it too. Bonus points for having some of my favorite authors featured in one way or another.

I will restrain myself from fangirling all over the place here.

I want to talk about tattoos today. Again.

I have had plans to be one inked up little old lady by the time I am in fact a little old lady. Right now as the plan stands most of my tattoos are either literary, or seriously meaningful images.

I've been dinking around with a Bukowski quote that I love for months now and think I'm going to take it to an artist for my birthday. Recently when I was talking about this with someone and my plans for something around my hips/sides and onto my belly she was fairly horrified.

Not because it's a lot of ink to plan for but because I'm fat.

She didn't say it outright but, she made the point quite clear. It was one of those backhanded, "Oh you're so brave."

Bravery has jackall to do with it.

As I pointed out to her, my body fat or not is not meant for her or anyone else's approval but my own. Aside from that neither she nor anyone else has to look at my body.

I find it astonishing the level of ire that can be raised when people are reminded that they do not have ownership over or even a say in what someone else does with their body. I don't get it.


I'm also still stretching my ears. I had a pair of 12g talons but they have mysteriously disappeared. I have a feeling I just thought about buying them rather than getting them. So I will probably pick these up after I get paid next. Nothing fancy until I get to 10g.

Once my ears are healed at 10 I will probably pick up something awesome. Probably horn or bone.

I have wee tiny earlobes so I will probably stop at 10.

Prior to that I'll probably get my right nostril pierced first so I am done with new piercings.

I am scattered. My sciatica (fucking stupid back/nerves/whatever the fuck else is going on in there) is acting up like a mother fucker and trying to concentrate while I have flaming shooting pain from my ass to ankle is hard.

So yeah I took a walk and that only sort of helped so I'm going to pace a little for my last two hours of work.

Homo Out.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Crafty New Years resolution update.

Okay people.

You may recall that part of my New Years resolution was to get more crafty.

And well okay the pictures speak for themselves. I was trying to do this:


Okay so I found the Threadbanger forums post on this hat and off I went. The following is attempt number one: as you can see I did not understand the pattern.



Was I right about it looking like a cock cozy?

So that was try number one. Fast forward some ranting, googling etc. And attempts 2-5 got to be about pasty big but cone shaped. I unraveled them and finished attempt number six.



Sooooo yeah. It's bell shaped and too small for my head. I believe I missed/screwed up the starting rows there. But check these stiches:


So I learned my stitches are pretty good.

I am almost done with attempt #7 and it looks way better already and I will post pics when it's done. Next paycheck I'm buying some different yarn and the proper sized needle.

In other news.

I have been a thrifting mofo this week. I had some money tucked away for thrifting and I picked up some awesome stuff.

Over at Gothauctions, I picked up two fabulous skirts. And on Gothic Auctions I scored an older Lip Service skirt. All for under 20$ including shipping. I picked up an awesome black and white dress at Fatshionista that is CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUTE.

I've got bids on a few things on ebay as well.

All told I've spent under 40$.

Have a look here at my article on Associated Content about thrifting online. This is especially important for fatties. Don't be swayed by a size number on something. Ask for unstretched and stretched measurements.

One of the ways I find things on ebay are my special search strings. Also if you buy from a seller you like if they have a newsletter subscribe to it and check their store often.

If you are looking say for a skirt, type in skirt then click the plus size. Or Type in skirt then select the misses from the sidebar. Experiment with different search strings. I spend a lot of time cruising anything labeled goth and rockabilly which surprisingly can yield some awesome results.

Never be afraid to ask sellers questions.

Can I tells you internets my Spring/summer wardrobe is shaping up to be HELLA CUTE?

Now what I really need that I really can't make myself are basic t's (Hello Target), some chunky-ish mary janes, and awesome socks. I think I'll be super cruising ebay for some Dankso's.

I am thinking I might even pick up some leg warmers as soon as I find some.

Spring/Summer look for way more OOTD's and also my first belted dress outfit. I just need to find the perfect belt. Black and shiny preferably not too wide.

Okay I need to finish my hair and bathe. Also exfoliate like a mofo because I am frigging molting in this weather. And I hate being flaky and itchy. It sucks.

Homo Out.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Meandering thought process.

Lately I've been ass deep in literary pursuits (no news yet I promise I'll tell), so blogging has been light of late.

A couple of recent posts at Fatshionista on LJ have me thinking.

One post was on how people speak to each other in the community, RE gendered words (yes way over simplifying I know), and what compliments are and aren't appropriate.

Let me be the first to say that I was pleasantly surprised to find that neither of these devolved into wank but I did see a couple of common themes that I'd like to talk about.

In the conversation about the permutations of language, greetings and gendered words I saw a lot of "I don't want to explain just don't do it" which I understand. However what I didn't see a lot of (granted I didn't read every single comment) is this.

Say you are random LJ user#2, you see a post by someone with an LJ handle that has something that contains words that are commonly used in the feminine. You say, "Hi lady, ladies, girlies, women" whatever and you've offended person #2 because they strenuously do not identify as a lady or woman or whatever.

Now how is person 1 supposed to know that?

I think we tend to forget in communities like Fatshionista that given the huge diverse populace, there are people who have not clue one about gender presentation issues, they know nothing about how what they see as a greeting to who they think is one person could be so offensive.

As often happens there was a lot of hand wringing.

A lot of it.

Personally if someone innocently (yes, as in they don't know any better) says something I think is fucked up, I don't think it's really effective to be confrontation and you stop doing that right now about it.

Especially in a community with a fluctuation of who's doing what, there are probably lots of people who had no idea it was even an issue.

I think it's more effective to simply tell someone without finger pointing. Or being upset that maybe they are confused or defensive at first. When people feel picked on as I've said before, they are likely to resent being told that what in their slice of world view is perfectly fine, is not fine.

Also, when you're not coming from the majority you have to be patient. Language and how people use language is not something that changes quickly. And often it won't change just because you point a finger at someone and tell them they are doing it wrong.

As for the post on compliments I am torn.

I believe that there is never any way whatever to tell what will or won't offend someone's tender sensibilities. One person may feel gross and horrid if someone says,

"You look hot in that outfit" or "That outfit isn't working for you."

Personally, I do fully own and acknowledge that if I post a picture of myself, in an outfit that shows off whatever bit of anatomy, I don't expect that people will ignore it. Nor do I expect that at least one person isn't thinking (or saying) they find it sexy.

Also, I think some people may have a hard time distinguishing between cheeky and pervy. Especially fat people. Of course I have no scientific or sociological back up here, but I have known many fat people or people who haven't always had the best self image to automatically assign an ick factor to someone expressing appreciation for them on a physical visual level.

As I said about compliments before, if I the complimenter don't know anything about you. I don't know that you are awesomely smart, I don't know that you have super awesome powers of whatever, I don't know you might be a douchebag, if I come upon you on the internets or on the street I have nothing else to go on, and maybe I like your shoes.

Or I think that sweater you're wearing looks fantastic. Or that your pants make your ass look like whoa awesome, I will probably say so. And in so saying, being that I don't know you personally, I cannot see through your skull into your very soul I have no value or moral judgement to make on it.

Sometimes, people just like your shoes. Or your cleavage, or your legs, or your ankle, or your fantastically fuzzy armpits or whatever.

Liking these things about another person and commenting on them are not always immediate indicators of OMG WANNA DO SEXY WITH YOU NOW.

Additionally (you see now why I didn't comment there), like I said. You cannot know from an LJ user name what will or won't freak someone out.

My big point (yes, I'm bringing it home baby) is that we seriously need to stop kicking each other in the crotch over these things.

Language is a mighty thing and it's a mightier thing when you are mindful of how you use it. The latter however does not come naturally to everyone. And not everyone is caught up on the politics of gender neutral greetings, on the strictly non sexual, non offensive compliments or ever on realizing the basics of inclusion.

So slow your roll people.

Take a breath.

Yes, if you're the person who's fur has been rubbed the wrong way it's maddening. Yes, yes I know that. I know it well. However, I also know that in order to get the person being irritating and offensive to maybe rethink what they are saying, I could not kick them in the crotch metaphorically speaking.

I've said this before I think but, when people are just getting into a political space or activist frame of mind, bombing them with all the ways they are not doing it right often times will drive them right the other way.

I have seen a lot of this in FA circles. I don't know how many comments, notes, etc I've gotten from people who have expressed the feeling of being pushed out, out of hand because they are not doing it right. Maybe they don't have the sophisticated language of politics, or they are on the fence about something, or maybe they still diet or want to diet.

Personally I'd prefer not to shove people off the fence, or once they've jumped off on my side proceed with crotch kicking them until they go trotting off.

This philosophy, or method of behaving if you will applies to many of the things I am passionate about. Whether it's anti-racism, Fat and Size acceptance, Sex education, whatever.

Okay my loves.

Yes, you too Haters don't think I have forsaken you. I love you too.

So posting will probably be lightish (with the occasional lengthy bit like this right here) while I am in literary overdrive. Hopefully this literary madness will yeild some exciting things.

I shelved one project in favor of others.

Also I swear I will take pics of the crafts gone bad.

I do feel good that I am accomplishing some of that though. For reals. I am taking run number two at the hat starting this weekend after a run to the craft store for a bigger needle and maybe I can find some little old ladies (there is the cutest stitch and bitch that goes on near my house) to give me some pointers.


OH right.

I almost forgot.

Also this week I have a somewhat tongue in cheek instruction guide for how not to troll fat blogs.

Also, you guys have awesome ideas (RE my bukkit list post).

And I love you guys. Give yourselves a hug.

Now I'm back to the salt mines of queer non fiction (me writing it instead of reading it for once..weeeeeeeee)

Homo Out.

OH yeah PS..I think my blogroll is finally updated properly. But not all the blogs I read are on it yet (My google reader is overflowing) and I am also working on a redesign but my CSS skills are rusty and the last mock up was fucking busted ugly.

So redesign this year(due for one it's seriously been like five years) and um..glee.


Tuesday, January 13, 2009

I haz a bukkit?

I have seen bucket lists all over the internets and I have one.'

1.) Swim for hours with manatees. I got to feed some in the wild once and I just love them. Chillin' swimming around eating lettuce. I freaking LOVE them. If it weren't stupid I would hug and love and name them George. I would settle however for free hours in the water, chilling out with my sea cows.

2.) Become fluent in French again and use it frequently. I used to be fluent in French but like all things with disuse that atrophied and now my French sucks.

3.) On theme with the above, I would like to go to a big city where I don't know anyone, possibly don't quite speak the language rent a room and do what I please for a month alone. I have been dreaming about doing that since I was a teenager and when I was 20 and happened upon a 499$ one way fare to Paris in the paper I was seriously, 4$ short. But yes I would love to do this. Maybe I'd write. Maybe I'd just sit somewhere and drink coffee. I'd drink tasty local drinks, eat tasty local food. Keep to myself. Sleep in. Whatever.

4.) I would also like to at some point bellydance in public. Easier said than done because I am learning very slowly and am not entirely there with my skills.

5.) I want to go to Ballymena. I want to go there and sit in a field as I mentioned a long long time ago, I want to sit in a field and do nothing save for be there. To go along with that I would like to be able to speak some Irish when I get there. I don't know why I am so obsessed with the area, ever since I heard the name for the first time PING went the strings of my wee black heart and yeah.

6.) Be in a good burlesque show. And by good I mean good.

7.) Addendum to #5, while in Ireland I must make a tour of places like these.

8.) Continuing on the theme of yours truly traipsing about Ireland. I would like most of my Irish vocabulary to be little love words. Why? I don know. It's fitting I guess. Perhaps a few bits of poetry. I have a habit of speaking to inanimate objects, trees, critters etc and I think it would be awesome to tell such things I love them in something close to their native tongues.

9.) At some point I would like to be a grand old lady with a death hawk. Probably for my 50th birthday. I decided when I started growing my hair that I would keep growing the monster fluff until then and at my fabulous fiftieth birthday the head is getting shaved. I think a Death hawk would be suitable.

10.) I want to run amok at the Folsom Street Fair. (Link not totally sfw). I am talking half nekkid, skipping froclicking with the freaky people running amok.

11.) Create a stash of absurd costumey outfits to parade in whenever I goddamn well feel like it. Visual Kei, Loli. I'm talking totally ridiculous make people fall down insanity. Nothing does a girl better I think.

12.) Along the same lines, I would like to make myself some famous movie gowns. Namely, the red Mina gown from Dracula. I mean come on now look at it. I don't want to buy one I want to make one for myself. Why? I haven't a fucking clue other than OMG OH SHINY! Also, Satine's red gown from Moulin Rouge.

13.) I would like to pose for some altporny/cheesecake/pin up fotos. For either just myself or for everybody to see. (Links totally NSFW) By folks like Forrest and Amelia. Justice Howard is also totally on the list. Because come ON now. Off the top of my head those are the first three who come to mind. A.)because I've been fangirling on all three for yonks, and b.)because I think they are all actually cool people whom I'd feel okay showing my boobs.

14.) On the arty note, I would like to continue with my photography and maybe eventually show them somewhere. I would also like to try my hand at erotic art.

I think I'm about spent.

There are probably eleventy billion others but those are the ones that leap to the fore.


Oh right I totally am taking pics of my now completed crocheted hat.

And it is kinda ugly and weirdly shaped. I kind of have an idea what I did wrong but I have a shit ton of yarn and am going to try again. I will take pics of my dark purple misshapen ugly hat that is too small for my head.

I will also take pics of the accidental cock cozy.

And my hair. I did something new and it turned out SUPA cute I love it.

Okay that's it. I have writing to do. So what's something on your bucket list? Discuss among yourselves.

Homo Out.

Thursday, January 08, 2009

Yes you Are a Feminist.

My Feminist homie sent in this question:

Not precisely a sex question, but I am ashamed of my fantasies because I identify as feminist; yet my biggest sex fantasies are about women being forced to enjoy sex by men who like to, say, share them around or share photos of them or suchlike. Does that mean that I really think women should be subjugated?

Am I weird because I always fantasize about made up people? It sends little ick messages to me to even think about using people who are real, it seems disrespectful to use them without their permission or knowledge. Doesn't matter if they're friends or celebrities.

Short version, you are absolutely a feminist still if you want to be.

Longer version.

Nothing you said makes me think that you want all women to be subjugated in this way. If you take a cruise around teh internets, I'm sure you'll find somebody who's going to be pissed off about your sexual fantasies and tell you, you're a horrible person and not a feminist and an enemy yadda yadda.

What you're talking about here is a desire to be kinky babe. And to my world view and to the world views of many a kinky person, there is not a damn thing wrong with it. I would feel troubled if you expressed a want for all your woman homies to be subjugated and used etc. But you don't.

I say, don't screw with yourself about it over much. For every person in the world there is something that turns them on.

What I do suggest is that you enjoy yourself.

Also about fantasizing. Let me tell you, if I know you or you're my friend I've probably envisioned you doing perverted things you would probably never in a million years do. I also fantasize sometimes about random people, the odd celebrity, other bloggers. That is human nature.

I look at fantasy this way. If you are keeping said fantasies to yourself unless someone asks who's business is it? I think the ick you're feeling might be coming from someone at some point shaming you about this. There is always someone who's going to tell you that there's something weird and wrong about you.

Maybe it's because you fantasize about made up people (I do too), or because you dream about bending over Becks, putting it in his nono place and riding him till the cows come home. As long as you're not walking up to people at an inappropriate time and saying, by the way Ted I saw you walking just there and I am going to be fantasizing later about riding your face like a bicycle seat. That would be icky.

We humans don't have screens on our foreheads advertising every thought for good reason. I would ask do you need to, or get permission to think when you see someone do something jerky, "what a jerk?". What goes on in your head, and subsequently in the sexy parts of your brain isn't anyone's business unless you make it their business.

I personally don't like to mix my politics and my sex life because inevitably at some point, something in my sex life is going to butt heads with my politics. For me, I think that making my sexual wants and needs political, makes things way more complicated than they already are and frankly, I just don't believe that what turns me on is up for debate.

I've spent way too much time standing up for whatever sexual practice to other people that I'm over it.

I'll tell you a little story.

When I was first introduced to feminism, the women who introduced me to it were kinda nuts. They hen pecked bits of dogma until they had this collection of bits that made me feel icky. They told me all the time that the boys I enjoyed sleeping with at the time were raping me, they told me that my girlfriend and I having kinky sex was a betrayal etc etc.

I spent a lot of time really sad and miserable and feeling guilty like every time I spanked my girlfriend or she spanked me we were turncoats to the cause.

I got a bit older and realized that wasn't the case.

Here's what I want you to do my Kinky Feminist Friend. I want you to enjoy your fantasies. I want you to look at yourself in the mirror, nod and give yourself the wink because you are just fine. You are not icky, you are not terribly weird, you are not an enemy of feminism.


When you have some spare time, head to your local library or sit down with the Google Machine and start looking at some Sex Positive and Kink positive feminism. Read, absorb. Find what suits you. This is homework and there will be a quiz.

When you find books or blogs or whatever that makes you feel good, report back.

Now the rest of you, I know some of you my homies are kinky people or have some kind of sexual thing that other people would consider icky. Now is your time to share if you feel like it. If you want to be anonymous make sure you log out of your gmail if you have it.

In other news, I am making attempt #5 at the hat tonight. My yarn has been unraveled from the cone shaped ugly thing that was attempt #4.

I will take some pics of attempt #1 because it totally looks like I made a crocheted cock cozy. And it would actually be quite cute for that purpose. Should I make them for etsy?

I haz lols.

Anyway. Tired. Uterus is shedding, body is aching and I am eating things that upset my tummy. Later my Droogies.

Homo Out


Tuesday, January 06, 2009

Fatshions is srs bizness.

So as per usual I've been cruising for hot clothes and saw that Lip Service (whom I loathe and love in equal measure) has a plus size piece. Yes, just one. See that here.

Now I'm not sure if the top to that outfit is available. And also oddly when you click on the name of the line on the left hand side there the skirt is shown in an entirely different colorway and with a different top. On one hand I went YEAH that's better but um...there's no sizing information.

Unfortunately though it seems like despite the many requests for extended sizing the majority of lines do not go up to XXL even. Disappointing per usual.

So it goes no?

In other fatshion news.

My first attempt at craftacular awesomeness resulted in throwing of yarn and needle across the bed and a mini snit. I've been trying to crochet a hat and not done well.

Luckily I have a metric crapton of yarn around from the couple of blankies I made myself awhile back so I can make mistakes but shit sake man. How frustrating.

I have entirely forgotten just how easily thwarted by my own frustration I can be.

So right o.

My next order of business will be a duct tape dummy, then Uniballer and I reconfiguring the apartment so I can put my sewing machine in a corner.

However due to some technological fuckery going on (I lost my cellphone and need to replace it, his power supply died) I might stick to recons for another month or so.

It's strange I think I have the memory of the how of this part, but the go ahead and do it is lacking.

Luckily however I have a stock pile of free patterns and how-to's bookmarked for the using.

This is part and parcel of what I call my own creative avarice.

Creatively speaking I have these terrible and deeply (upsetting sometimes) wants to create things. I have these ideas I am unable to get out because I don't always have the technical know how. I have been this way since I was a little kid and sometimes it's incredibly overwhelming.

And it's that overwhemled OMG I CAN'T FUCKING DO THIS feeling that stops me most often. However, I am currently refusing to give into my own feelings of doom.

For my whole life I've wanted to paint, dance, sing, play the piano, make beautiful clothes, paint furniture, recon trash into treasure, make beautiful websites, take pictures and on and on. I am finally embracing the fact that my desire while a beautiful thing doesn't mean I can or should do all these things.

I am learning to channel that avarice into things that are worthwhile and that make me happy.

Occasionally I give myself a bit of cognitive dissonance trying to reconcile all this lust, yes it's red hot pulsating lusty avarice, into something like a steam engine.

Sometimes it works.

Other times not so much.

Okay I think I'm fairly spent.

My feminist friend, your turn for advice tomorrow I swear barring other technological fuck ups this week.

Also Uh.

Shit I forgot so nevermind.

I'm going to go write some vampire themed porno and listen to some awesome music.

Homo Out.


Monday, January 05, 2009

Remembering the precious and sacred.

As I'm approaching my 32nd birthday (March 16 for you folks shopping playing along) I have some plans.

Aside from my previously mentioned return to craftacular awesomeness. (That is currently in the form of crocheting myself an awesome hat, it was too cold in my apartment, cold=stiff back, to move my sewing area) and I've got some clothes stuff tucked away.

I am also trying to do a few things more diligently.

Chief among those things are remembering the things that are precious to me. And remembering to appreciate and love the things I find sacred.

What are those things? I don't feel like sharing right now because they are private.

However I will say that part of this involves loving and taking better care of myself.

This includes a shit ton of things I am not going to list but a huge part of it is that, I tend to forget that I have to take care of this body even if it's temporary and doesn't always perform to my liking.

I forget to honor myself.

I also maybe because I do seriously and deeply care about a lot of things, tend to let myself get worked up and into a state over things that I can do nothing about. I am going to work hard on that because it's not worth the hike in blood pressure.

Another thing I am working on personally is my ability to fuel my own joy.

WHen things are hard in my life, or I am really stressed out I tend to bring it all in. I reel everything in tightly and forget to laugh or smile. I forget that sometimes it takes an effort to feel joyful. That despite whatever hardship I happen to be having at that moment, it will pass and I will make it through.

After almost 32 years on the planet if there is one thing I know I can do it's survive.

And dear self, yes we know survival is in your toplist of shit you can do. How about working on surviving and having a good life?

All that said this is a time of hard work for me. I have things that are very serious to deal with and at the same time I have to do some fixing on a personal and spiritual level. It's important to me.

I need to remember how to advocate for myself in my personal private life. I tend to not be able to do that as well as I want to.

I think I may be in for a bumpy road. I will probably fall down and freak out but I am determined to create a sacred and beautiful place for myself.

I know this is all kind of out there in the ether.

So right o.

To give myself an official beginning because I love that sort of thing. Tonight I am going to work on rearranging my computer area to be conducive to dancing. Belly dancing naturally. I am not going to be mad that I am back to trying to get through Amira's 101. And I am going to be nice to myself about it.

Note to self, also get a new sports bra and some yoga pants type things.

So my darling readers, how are you going to honor and love yourselves?

Also, my dear feminist homie, I have not forgotten about you but have been ruminating on your question and will answer this week.

Homo Out.


Friday, January 02, 2009

Super Fatty Powers..activate.

I spent a good long while perusing some clothes today and several things come to mind.

Why is so much shit so fucking overpriced?

How do resell clothes in good conscious when they overprice them?

Why the fuck would I pay retail for something currently available from the original retailer, on Ebay?

I am an annoyed angry fatty.

I am also poor.


I have decided to make with the clothing recons and trying to seriously sew. I am more than tired of seeing the promise of awesome plus size goth gear, and finding yeah no it's the same old full length shapeless, dress that was in style in the 90's.

Or worse the only thing goth about it is it might have some black on it somewhere.

Fuck it.

I am also highly inspired by this hotness right here. CraftyDame is mother fucking awesome.

I would like to regain my crafty awesomeness. I used to make a large proportion of my own clothes but got busy somewhere along the way.

So I am making that my sole absolute New Years Resolution.

Goddamn it.

So after I get started on a couple of simple hand sew things this weekend. Next week after I get paid I will be needing supplies for making a duct tape dummy who I will probably name. I will also need Uniballer to help me move shit in our apartment around so I have workspace.

Then SEW.

So there we have it.

I would really like to work up to making 80% of my wardrobe. And be able to recon whatever I wanna.

So fair warning I'm sure my first few attempts are probably going to be kinda fug. I know this and can deal with it.

In other news.

I am less freaked out today than I was yesterday. I did some research and checking and thus far my identity is intact. And I will be straight up and tell you that when it comes to money, things like that happening can seriously make me flip my shit. There are a lot of things I can take in stride, that while shit is blowing up in my face I can deal with but financial matters and BOOM there I go freaking.


So right, I'm calmer. Have a plan of attack in place. Said plan does allow for me to have some nice things when I want them so that's good.

This is a fine example of when I seriously need to be less of an asshole to myself. I need to take a breath. Not go all aggro on myself.

I forget now what else I was going to say. Uniballer is bringing foods, I have been craving the seafood salad from Safeway like whoa and my mouth is watering because I know it's on the way.

Also damn.

I am totally breaking my want to eat yummy things that don't give me gastric distress. This salad has very rich dressing and I will pay but it is so delicious.

I am also eating marinated mushrooms which will only add to it.

Poor Uniballer. He has to live with me and I am a gassy little bastard.


Okay I am spent. I have evil plans to make. Patterns to examine and Craftster to stalk.

Homo out.

Thursday, January 01, 2009

Welcome to 09.

My New Years passed quietly. At home watching UFC (YES RAMPAGE YES YES YES!!1!!!) and having some delicious snacks. I'm not really all into going out on NYE.

So honestly 08 closed on a pretty fucked up note for me. I don't want to go into shit tons of detail but, there was some fuckery regarding my identity that may or may not result in my credit getting more fucked up.

2008 sucked some big donkey balls in a lot of spots honestly. There was lots of stuff going on that I didn't really talk about publicly.

2009 is starting out with about the same amount of bullshit just in a different form.

So instead of resolutions I have some preconceived notions and stuff I'd like to happen.

First of all, 2009 is going to be a hard one for me. Financially tight as I try to rectify some of my mistakes. And that alone is going to make some stuff really difficult.

I'd like to eat better. Eating better in this case being not so much stuff that I love but that makes me feel sick. I'm sad about that. But, a girl can only handle so much gastric distress.

I will be nicer to my body. Which will include going to the rheumy and getting a full work up and actually paying attention rather than going, whateva it's my gimpy body and I can do what I want.

Going along with that I would like to find out what amount of exercise will make me feel good but also not make me hurt or have difficulty walking, getting up stairs etc. Sounds easy but I know how I am with myself and I'd like to not go all evil.

And my over arching goal is to take good goddamn care of myself. I have a serious problem with stress and I tend to not care for myself so well when I am stressed out. And everything suffers. And I don't want to do that anymore.

So my homies haters and those who don't care. I hope your 2009 is beautiful. I hope mine is beautiful.

Homo Out.


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