Thursday, January 08, 2009

Yes you Are a Feminist.

My Feminist homie sent in this question:

Not precisely a sex question, but I am ashamed of my fantasies because I identify as feminist; yet my biggest sex fantasies are about women being forced to enjoy sex by men who like to, say, share them around or share photos of them or suchlike. Does that mean that I really think women should be subjugated?

Am I weird because I always fantasize about made up people? It sends little ick messages to me to even think about using people who are real, it seems disrespectful to use them without their permission or knowledge. Doesn't matter if they're friends or celebrities.

Short version, you are absolutely a feminist still if you want to be.

Longer version.

Nothing you said makes me think that you want all women to be subjugated in this way. If you take a cruise around teh internets, I'm sure you'll find somebody who's going to be pissed off about your sexual fantasies and tell you, you're a horrible person and not a feminist and an enemy yadda yadda.

What you're talking about here is a desire to be kinky babe. And to my world view and to the world views of many a kinky person, there is not a damn thing wrong with it. I would feel troubled if you expressed a want for all your woman homies to be subjugated and used etc. But you don't.

I say, don't screw with yourself about it over much. For every person in the world there is something that turns them on.

What I do suggest is that you enjoy yourself.

Also about fantasizing. Let me tell you, if I know you or you're my friend I've probably envisioned you doing perverted things you would probably never in a million years do. I also fantasize sometimes about random people, the odd celebrity, other bloggers. That is human nature.

I look at fantasy this way. If you are keeping said fantasies to yourself unless someone asks who's business is it? I think the ick you're feeling might be coming from someone at some point shaming you about this. There is always someone who's going to tell you that there's something weird and wrong about you.

Maybe it's because you fantasize about made up people (I do too), or because you dream about bending over Becks, putting it in his nono place and riding him till the cows come home. As long as you're not walking up to people at an inappropriate time and saying, by the way Ted I saw you walking just there and I am going to be fantasizing later about riding your face like a bicycle seat. That would be icky.

We humans don't have screens on our foreheads advertising every thought for good reason. I would ask do you need to, or get permission to think when you see someone do something jerky, "what a jerk?". What goes on in your head, and subsequently in the sexy parts of your brain isn't anyone's business unless you make it their business.

I personally don't like to mix my politics and my sex life because inevitably at some point, something in my sex life is going to butt heads with my politics. For me, I think that making my sexual wants and needs political, makes things way more complicated than they already are and frankly, I just don't believe that what turns me on is up for debate.

I've spent way too much time standing up for whatever sexual practice to other people that I'm over it.

I'll tell you a little story.

When I was first introduced to feminism, the women who introduced me to it were kinda nuts. They hen pecked bits of dogma until they had this collection of bits that made me feel icky. They told me all the time that the boys I enjoyed sleeping with at the time were raping me, they told me that my girlfriend and I having kinky sex was a betrayal etc etc.

I spent a lot of time really sad and miserable and feeling guilty like every time I spanked my girlfriend or she spanked me we were turncoats to the cause.

I got a bit older and realized that wasn't the case.

Here's what I want you to do my Kinky Feminist Friend. I want you to enjoy your fantasies. I want you to look at yourself in the mirror, nod and give yourself the wink because you are just fine. You are not icky, you are not terribly weird, you are not an enemy of feminism.


When you have some spare time, head to your local library or sit down with the Google Machine and start looking at some Sex Positive and Kink positive feminism. Read, absorb. Find what suits you. This is homework and there will be a quiz.

When you find books or blogs or whatever that makes you feel good, report back.

Now the rest of you, I know some of you my homies are kinky people or have some kind of sexual thing that other people would consider icky. Now is your time to share if you feel like it. If you want to be anonymous make sure you log out of your gmail if you have it.

In other news, I am making attempt #5 at the hat tonight. My yarn has been unraveled from the cone shaped ugly thing that was attempt #4.

I will take some pics of attempt #1 because it totally looks like I made a crocheted cock cozy. And it would actually be quite cute for that purpose. Should I make them for etsy?

I haz lols.

Anyway. Tired. Uterus is shedding, body is aching and I am eating things that upset my tummy. Later my Droogies.

Homo Out



Kimi said...

Holy weird. I just did a post in Sugar for Sugar about this kind of thing. Kinky, great minds think alike?

If anybody is curious, here's a link:

But anyway. Yeah. I really feel people get way too up-in-arms over fantasy. Especially other peoples'. Because heaven forbid the same things don't swing through EVERYONE'S mind when they're getting off, right? Har har.

Minds are complex, figurative, and interesting places. A fantasy could point to any number of underlying things, the majority of them completely harmless and the rest, probably not applicable to you. But in the end, there's only need to analyze them if you want to do so. Other than that, just run with it, get whatever thrill you get out of it, and don't sweat it.

Anonymous said...

I also have fantasies that seem, on their surface, to be very antifeminist (lots of bondage, rape fantasies, etc.). But this made me feel a little better about it:

Jen said...

[i]and frankly, I just don't believe that what turns me on is up for debate.[/i]

Damn straight. Loved your post, as always.

Sugar! We miss you on Gaia sweetie. ;) ~Ela

Janny said...

I tend to have fantasies involving women violating me while my guy is violating them, so I always questioned where my feminist loyalties laid. But then I realised that it made me pretty damn awesome because the women were always consenting in my fantasies.

Anonymous said...

I think the psychology of sexuality is very complicated, and we do not get to choose what turns us on. Many people are sexually stimulated by things that they (or their society) thinks are "bad" or "wrong" or "perverted." It's only wrong if it results in behavior that harms yourself or another person. There are many ways to indulge sexual drives without harming anyone: fantasies, consenting adult partners, and even "virtual" experiences. I think it's healthier to indulge sexual needs in a harmless way than to bury them or surround them with feelings of guilt and condemnation.

Anonymous said...

I've struggled with this issue myself, a bit. I consider myself a feminist, but I also have kinky, submissive sexual preferences.

The thing I find very interesting is that, while I have been a willing and enthusiastic participant in sexual episodes that would seem brutal to an outside observer, I have absolutely no tolerance whatsoever to rape scenes in movies or television shows, and I actually get up and leave when they come on. I find them extraordinarily upsetting, gratuitous, and, worst of all, designed to be titillating to the audience -- thus glamourising actual rape (while I'm sure the directors would deny, deny, deny their intent.)

I have never been raped myself, but being raped is one of my greatest fears, and I cannot stand to have the topic discussed lightly or depicted gratuitously. But I have always understood my own sexual preferences around submission and domination to be informed by a culture where submission and dominance occurs constantly, not only in sexual contexts, but in business, in school, in the legal system, in families and relationships, and as the foundation for classism, racism -- for any social hierarchy or injustice you can think of. We live it, breathe it, engage in it, are subjected to it, swim in it -- often without explicitly knowing that we are doing it, we take to it almost instinctually. So how could some people not end up with fantasies around submission and domination entering their sexual identity?

That link to the essay in "Yes Means Yes" was fascinating, and actually made me think, hey, maybe though I find the tacit acts of domination in our culture rather disgusting, and at the root of so many injustices, perhaps acting out these themes consensually, consciously, in one's sex life is one healthy way of interacting with them. It is analogous to treatment for recurring nightmares, in which the dreamer gradually learns to become conscious within the nightmare, to act, and to eventually control the direction of the dream to a less frightening conclusion. The dreamer becomes powerful, in control of the dream.

I see my experiences being a consensual participant in BDSM sex as on a totally separate plane from actual sexual violence, which I find abhorrent and terrifying.

mccn said...

Dood, they actually already have knitted cock cozies on Etsy. Which suggests to me you'd have a market.

Gry said...

I was shocked when I discovered the BDSM community online many years ago. It was the female subs that totally got to me. It turns out my husband is a sub in the bedroom and that kinda put an end to that angst (I realized it didn't bother me one bit when guys submit, so why should it bother me when women do it?)

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