Wednesday, February 11, 2009

25 Things.

I did the 25random things meme on facebook but cheated because I skipped a bunch of them so I'm going to do it today. With explanations.

1.) We all know I curse a lot. I actually remember the first time I cursed with intent and purpose. Picture this. Your hostess at 8 years old, running amok with painted fingernails, on a cobalt blue boys bike with a banana seat and at the time very fond of trying desperately to make mud (I thought it was clay) pots. There was an older (probably 10-11) boy who lived in my apartment complex and who was constantly bothering me. One day he had decided he wanted to try and kiss me and I was not putting up with that fuckery. We were outside my parents bedroom, their bedroom window was open and I remember he pinched me and I turned around, looked him dead in the eye and said:

"If you touch me again I will knock your dick in the dirt."

So you see I was pretty much born this way.

2.) I have a long and abiding love of ugly things. Weird tacky things that nobody else loves. It all started with a rooster pillow. A pillow painted, bedazzled and feathered to look like a rooster. There was also noteably this god awful bedroom set I got at Value Village as a kid. Rainbow sherbert colors. A huge (like almost 10 foot) bright red crushed velvet davenport that I almost bought for four dollars at a thrift store (they'd had it for something like three years) but I couldn't find someone with a truck to come get it for me. I love ugly weird things. Mostly because I figure nobody else will love whatever ugly thing so into my heart it goes.

3.) When I was in the sixth grade a friend and I spent all day following Joey from New Kids on the Block around the Puyallup fair but couldn't talk to him because we were too busy squeeing. He spotted us trying to hide behind a pole and smiled. We lost our shit and ran away squealing and giggling.

4.) When I was little the movie The Red Balloon made me cry my eyes out when I saw it. I mean completely lose my shit in hysterics crying. I watched it again when I was about 16 and had the same reaction. The only other movie to ever do that to me was Dancer in the Dark. I don't cry very often at all and was crying so hard my gay boyfriend got me stoned because he thought I was going to fall out. I don't even smoke the weed. I have only ever seen it that once and I am never watching it again.

5.) I really love plants, I mean LOVE them but they hate me. I have probably killed more plants than other people have ever grown. Even with written instructions followed to the letter. My Mother on the other hand can resurrect something that looks like it's been dead for five years.

6.) I am often fascinated by things I just do not understand at all. Theoretical maths, physics, shit like that. I really honestly do not understand any of it but If ind it terribly interesting. I used to go to free lectures at the UW just to listen and never understood anything after hello.

7.) The first actually holy place I ever feel like I've been was in Japan at Todaiji Temple in Nara. I remember (and I really hope this wasn't too weird) going inside and sitting in an out of the way spot where people weren't walking, on the floor and feeling so calm being near that huge Buddha. I was in high school at the time and most everyone else was running around and I just sat for awhile feeling like I was Buddha's special little homie. No one looked at me too funny although there was one little Gramma (she was with what I took to be her grandkids) who smiled at me and it was nice.

8.) My other favorite thing about Japan was having things on my eye level. It was AWESOME. I'm not all that tall and it was so cool to be able to reach stuff in the stores and not have to break my neck looking at things or for things. Also, the warmth and genuine happy people had when I was trying my horrible Japanese or I got the OM NOM NOM GIMME THEM FOODS happy look. That was pretty awesome. All around I enjoyed Japan a lot. And one more thing linguistically I love Japanese because it's phonetic and from what I remember if you at least get most of the words people will get what you're trying to say.

9.) I think photos of babies crowning are probably among the most awesome things in the fucking universe. Pussy fucking rules.

10.) I have odd eating habits. Sometimes (like the past few days)I just don't really want to eat an actual meal. Some days I nom cheerios on and off all day like an overgrown toddler other days I'm perfectly content with plain (nothing on it) tuna, some crackers and tea. Because of this habit sometimes I have issues keeping my blood sugar from crashing.

11.) Sometimes instead of just calling someone a douche I will tell them that they are a substance known to irritate the fuck out of my vagina. It's amusing to watch people figure out they got called a douche.

12.) Despite frequent cries from people that it's "just the internet" I can't help but lose some respect to people who behave assy because it's "just the internet".

13.) I will watch a documentary on just about anything. Even if it's a subject I'm not super interested in or that I already know some about. I love documentaries.

14.) The first music I ever remember really affecting me was The Doors. Theirs was the first that I listened closely to the lyrics and understood that they meant something. I still love their music.

15.) When I am over tired I really shouldn't be taken in public because my brain mouth filter tends to turn itself off at inopportune moments. But this can result in making strangers laugh which is a nice thing.

16.) I really don't mind making a jackass of myself. I have fallen down in public, had boobs fall out of outfits, walked off of the bus with my skirt in my panties, fallen off of a barstool when I wasn't even drunk, fallen down a flight of stairs in front of a crowded club when I was trying to make an uber sexy entrance. So yeah if I fall, fart, have a booger etc I'm probably not going to freak.

17.) Despite attempts I have never made much money with this whole blogging thing. Before google yanked adsense I think I made 4$ in four years. Amazon I think I've made 6. It's way more effort than it's worth.

18.) Also despite my uber femme appearance a good 80% of the time I still will punch you in the fucking neck. I am not so ladylike that I won't make a point with violence. I don't very often anymore, but when it happens I will in fact fuck you up. That said, I don't really want to fight anyone but it is reassuring to know that I will if need be.

19.) I have some weird food neurosis. For instance I won't eat certain things not because of taste but because of mouth feel. For instance nuts. Aside from peanuts I won't eat most nuts because I don't like how it feels to chew them. Similarly I won't eat puffy Cheetos, radishes, certain kinds of hot cereal. Also if things I chew have a certain tone that I can feel in my ear I won't eat them either.

20.) I have a terrible time buying things on Ebay when the seller hasn't run their sales patter through spell check. It pains me.

21.) If I saw these PETA people that Renee was talking about yesterday on the street, someone would get hit. It wouldn't be a hate response but a fear response. Matter of fact, it bothers me enough that I haven't been able to read the media coverage without images turned off. Mother Fuckers.

22.) I tend to be more nervous walking around a residential neighborhood late at night than walking around an urban environment late at night.

23.) Despite not wanting to squirt a child from my own loins I think babies and kids are awesome. One of my favorite things in the world is slightly sour milky baby breath, I also love sweaty little heat machines nestled happily on my boobs. I don't even mind being snotted on. When it comes to babies and children, I am prepared. I have been around them my whole life and yes, they make me the happy even when they are squalling and angry.

24.) My biggest childhood fear was sleep paralysis. I was also absolutely terrified of slugs. Paradoxically I was never afraid of ghosts and things, and I spent a few years as child trying to set shit on fire with my mind after I read "Firestarter" at age 8.

25.) Last one. Secretly I still fantasize almost daily that I will at some point wake up and find myself as new money idle rich and spend the rest of my life traveling, writing, buying art, having lavish, decadent parties with friends whom I fly in for the events. In this same fantasy I divide out my remainin days doing awesome philanthropic things and reveling in the loot.

There you have it. 25things with substance.

Homo out.

Ps..this took me for motherfucking EVER.


Anonymous said...

Sometimes instead of just calling someone a douche I will tell them that they are a substance known to irritate the fuck out of my vagina.

This ^^ is seriously the Best. Insult. EVER.

If I ever decide to call anyone a douche, I will henceforth use this instead!

Diana said...

I am with you on Dancer in the Dark. I cried harder during that movie than I have when people died, and then had tragic nightmares. Every once in a while I think about seeing it again to see if it's as wrenching as I remember, but after 8 years, I'm still not sure I'm ready!

Heavenly Sinful said...

Red Balloon! OMG, I remember that one... and I bawled my eyes out, too. Everybody thought I was nuts, but eh... whatever.

And I gotta say, I enjoyed reading this - the whole thing.

DavitaCuttita said...

Yaaay! I've been reading these things on my facebook everyday for over a week now; it's like there's 10 new ones everyday. I actually like reading um and did one myself.

Anyhoo, Dancer in the Dark is one of the saddest movies ever; hands down. I was 17 when I saw it and cried too--not hysterical crying, but you know; the soap opera kinda crying where it's just tears going down your cheeks and nothing more. I hardly ever cry watching movies but I was all like "NOOOO! They killed Bjork!"

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