Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Oh no...fat lovers.

Before I get into the meaty bit of this entry I got an anonymous comment that said:

You are not nice.

What are you new?

I will rarely if ever make a declamatory statement to the effect that I am nice. Other people might say I am, or sweet or whatever but yeah I'm not really.

Fact is I can be a mean mother fucker. Sometimes I am an asshole. I feel no responsibility for how someone may or may not react to how I feel about things. I am under no obligation to hold your hand or behave in the ways you deem okay. I will be polite to you. But I do not have to be nice.

When I say fuck off, no really I mean fuck off. I do not have to sugar coat, wrap in fluffy clouds and pink bunnies with glitter little noses a goddamn thing.

If you can't hang you know where the exit button is.

Moving along today's entry comes from a conversation on a message board that boiled down to people tossing around stupid rhetoric about the "difficulties" of having a fat lover or being the fat lover.

Being that the particular community is not my litter box I really didn't want to pee in it, so here I am in my own litter box and here we go.

The first position held by several people was that (and I am seriously skipping over the whole fat=unattractive to all mammals because yeah I've been over that) if your lover is fat than your sex life will automatically become difficult and tedious.

Now let's take having a fat lover out of it for a moment.

Let's say that the person who's naughty bits you are hungering for is in fact a pillar of health and fitness. Trim tight and all that and a six pack of protein shakes. Let's say due to this persons own lack of foresight, clumsiness or willful ignorance they have injured their back.

With me so far?

So your lover who maybe slipped and fell after you told them daily to be careful on those stairs, or maybe tried to move the couch or whatever has caused a change in their body. Or maybe your lover just had a clumsy day.

Assuming that your lover was able and you were both raring to go would you withhold sex from your lover because there's been a change? Would you consider positions that maybe don't involve acrobatics?

Let's say that your lover can't really do standing in the shower sex anymore because it makes their back hurt. Would that suddenly preclude you two having a sexual relationship? Or be a terrible undue burden?

Hold that thought for a moment.

If you are with someone we'll assume that you do in fact want to make some sexy time with them, granted whatever soemthing is going on with your lovers body can change your sex life but I do think it's selfish and frankly stupid to deem those as insurmountable difficulties.

The fact is that no matter what kind of body your lover has, there are going to be things that you either can't do or that are going to take some creativity to do.

For instance, maybe your lover has very bad knees and can't kneel for long periods of time so you get some pillows or change positions.

Or maybe you're the one with a bad back and aren't comfortable doing some positions.

My big point here is that whatever shape your lovers body or their level of ability doesn't have to be an imposition or a wall between you and having some awesome sex.

Now broadly speaking given there are millions of challenges one can face when trying to put two humans together a few general tips.

Pillows. They don't have to be fancy, they can come from the Dollar store or Big lots or where ever but have pillows that you don't mind getting lube or whatever on. If you have a bad back and need support there you go, if you have bad knees and you're on the bottom and need some support, BAM there is your pillow.

Lube. LUBE LUBE LUBE. Even if you are a lady parts having individual who's got wetness to spare keep some on hand.

A few okay to use in your crotchal region towels. Cause sometimes when the lovin' is that good you really just don't want to get out of bed.

Also handy, baby wipes. If a towel doesn't cut it a box of generic baby wipes (they won't irritate your sensitive bits) can do wonders for a quick prenap clean up.

If you need a get over your trepidation about doing (insert sexy thing here) here I am.



Feel free to picture me hollering that either drill sergeant style or cheerleader with pompons style.

Now if you really deep down believe that a change in the ability of your partner, or how their body looks means that your sex life is ruined, I have to admit you're probably not a great lover because you do have to pay attention to your partner and their feelings to do that. If something changes, roll with it.

Yes, if your lover is fat or you're fat there may be some things you have to work around. If you or your lover is very thin there are things you might have to work around. Being human, having a human body sometimes mean things change or are different and you just need to work it out.

Now go forth, get naked and have a good time.

Homo Out.



Anonymous said...

I've been fat and I've been thin, and have been with partners of varying sizes. We worked it out just fine, but I have to say the one I needed the workaround for was when I was thin and was with a thin partner. We were both thin enough to have protruding hipbones, and we'd have to shift around to find a position where one could lie on top of the other without our hipbones poking the other. I find it easier when at least one partner is fat!

Anonymous said...

LOL I just got a mental image of R. Lee Ermey (http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000388/) screaming that

at me. Frightening!

O said...

This is excellent. So true and so well said.

Jacque Flatt said...

I've been reading your blog for a while and definitely dig it. This one in particular made me smile. ;)

Twistie said...

Heh heh. Someone thinks you need to be all sparkly cute bunnies at them. Heh heh.

If someone thinks it's impossible to have sex with a fat partner, I'd hate to think how they would react to, say, a wheelchair-using lover or a lover with a heart condition that precludes some of the more aerobic versions of lovemaking.

When you really love and are really attracted to the person in question, you find ways to express that attraction.

word verification: Curgerm (noun) a virus that will turn you into a stray dog. See Lycothranpy.

spacedcowgirl said...

YES. I love this post, from the part where I LOLed at the "What are you new?" to the great discussion of loving sex between, you know, actual people (fat, thin, disabled, other) and not the always-perfect and perfectly-functioning bodies that so many people seem to idealize.

I love your example about the otherwise healthy/thin but disabled partner because this so closely parallels other bad arguments people make about why fat is terrible. "Fatties are sucking up all my health insurance!" Yeah, well so is the thin guy who plays extreme sports and I don't see you caterwauling about that. "Fatties eat junk food!" EVERYONE (not literally everyone, I know many readers probably never touch the stuff, but still, most people) eats junk food. etc. etc.

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