Saturday, March 28, 2009

Oh my brains.

So I went to Freddie's (Fred Meyer for those not so inclined for nick naming stores) and picked up some crafting supplies and it struck me yet again the weirdness that can go on in my head surrounding money.

I was told very specifically to spend on some just for fun things for myself by my wonderful friends BoyandGurl Venus and I have been agonizing over what to do. So given that my current love is crocheting I bought some cheapish acrylic yarn and a hook set.

But I was just uploading some pics and stuff and poking around my desk and had this feeling, a bad bad feeling because there are some just regular stuff I use all the time that I'm running out of and my brain went a little explodey.

I think because I've spent a lot of my life poor or really poor I tend to feel guilty for weird things.

Such as.

I'm almost out of the foundation that matches my skin just about perfectly and doesn't break me out. Yet, I still have a mostly full bottle of Mac Studio Fix Fluid that breaks my skin out like WHOA and doesn't exactly match my skin and I've been fighting myself not to just use that up.

Also see my rant here at the Cheekan about the availability of drug store brand cosmetics, especially face things (foundations, powders etc) for women of color, my fruitless search at Freddie's spurred quite a snit in the store.

Now I was searching for just plain not fancy loose powder. And yeah nothin. Which in my brain led to some freak out because I am bound to spend MORE money buying something on the internets and it just pisses me off.

Stocking up on basics does do something weird to me. Even when it comes to clothes. I have been in DESPERATE need of shirts that fit and I only just last weekend got some. For years in my early twenties I settled for buying things because I could afford them rather than because I found them pleasing.

Right there I'm thinking about these awful khaki cargo pants that were in and of themselves cute but not me. Just not me at all but, I bought them brand new with tags for something like 3$.

I think this happens to a lot of us doesn't it?

We get into this place where we don't see the value of doing things that are nice for ourselves so we don't do them and are sad.

That has been such a personal struggle for me. It's been so hard to make sure that I make myself use facial cleanser that feels nice and leaves my skin nice rather than just something that works. It's a struggle to let myself use copious amounts of shea butter to keep my skin from itching all winter. It's a struggle sometimes to seek out the things that make my hair look and feel good.

For me when my self esteem and self worth starts to dip this is where it shows up. I stop doing the things that make me feel fine and fancy.

I have to constantly remind myself that no matter what anyone else might say, it is worth something to do things that just make me feel good.

I bought some 12$ day time moisturizer with SPF for my face and this is the most I've ever spent on moisturizer and for awhile I only used the barest little tiny bit.

Now I slather it as I feel.


Because quite simply I like it. I like how it makes my face feel, I like how it smells. I like having my skin protected from the sun and over these last few months seeing my skintone start to even back out.

This my friends is why I wear make up. This is why I get SO excited to get my Aromaleigh samples or my Fyrinnae samples. This is why I get twitterpated when I can wax poetic for two hours to friends who don't give a damn how mother fucking AWESOME Mac's Cherry Blossom lipglass is.

This is why I will spend all Sunday doing my hair.

This is why I will also probably continue using my Olay daily thermal scrub stuff that is really expensive.

I've earned it.

I'm 32 years old and I have earned being good to myself. God damn it I should have been this good to myself for the last twenty years so I am making up for lost time.

When I want bacon I have some.

When I want to try some new fancy beer I do it.

When I want to prop my boobs up for some brown chubby boobtastic cleavage I do so.

If I feel like wearing something sexy I do.

If I feel like wearing my trusty hoody and jammy pants to go to the store God DAMN IT I WILL.

We all (Yes all of us, those of you who come through every now ad then to tell me I'm stupid, those of you cruising in from the Fatosphere, those of you who tentatively think I'm kinda cool but you're kinda horrified by me sometimes, those of you who are my ride or die homies reading even when I'm tired and ranting for no good goddamn reason, my fat homies, my skinny homies, my homos, my straight folks, my asexual do not want the booty folks. ALL OF YOU) we deserve to feel good.

More over, we not only deserve to feel good we are worth the effort of feeling good. If that means going for a run, taking a nap, having a beer with your dinner, having some steak, never eating meat again, yes.

Do what makes you feel good.

Work it out.

Okay I got another question from a boy SQUEEEEEEEEEEEE. It's a meaty one so my peen having homie, keep your eye out I have some serious consideration before I can answer in good faith.



Yeah how about this.

I have been kicking around the idea of doing an etsy shop of my cute but ugly crochetd accessories. I am trying to make a poll so I can understand a few foibles about hat sizes and stuff so look out for that.

In the meantime how about a newish foto?

this is me with my hair uncombed and a full face of make up because the way I get ready for work goes like this.

Wake up
Hobble out of bed to pee, wash face with warm water (sometimes at the same time, saves time yo)
Apply moisturizer
Grumble for awhile
Dick around on Twitter.
Put socks and pants on.
Put primer on face
Find bra put it on
Unbun hair
Put make up on except lips/mascara
Take pics if I remember
Put shirt on
Put hair up
Gather lunch, other needed things
Put boots on
Haul ass.

So this pic is from um...Thursday I think. I had accomplished mascara and shirt but not combed hair because I couldn't find my claw clip.

Some of that in the front of my hair is gray some is spots where I got overexcited with my powder which is translucent but not hair colored. Another reason I comb hair after doing make up. Not sure what blush I had on.


Now I am going to enjoy my Buffalo Bill's Brewery Orange Blossom Cream Ale. It's my first cream ale and it's quite tasty. Also going to lay down and apply my overnight deep conditioner to my hair and complain about my cramps.

Homo Out.


Thursday, March 26, 2009

Plus size offerings..yer doing it wrong.

Let me start off by saying that I my aim with this entry is not all about being bitchy. The following has been on my mind lately and Lip Service just happened to hit the annoyed fat girl trifecta today.


Being that my aesthetics tend to run toward the gothy and have for a long time I'm going to use Lip Service as an example of how not to sell fat people clothes.

Then I'm going to tell you about some retailers and clothing lines I think are doing it right.

First up.

You all might recall this about Lip Service's absurd sizing chart that is now gone. Now my main criticism if you don't feel like reading boils down to several key points.

  1. At that time the supposed equivalent to a Torrid 0 (my size) was measurements of 42-42-45 an actual Torrid 0 is 40/43-35/36-42/45. The key difference being a differential between bust and waist measurements. This isn't to say that there are not people who have those measurements but, that if you take say a sweetheart neckline dress, with a defined waist and full skirt (like this one, another huge screenshot) those actual measurements would mean that the dress would hang straight from the bust which is not how the garment appears to be made. I was informed that those were "typos" that were actually confirmed by employees.
  2. Second, I find the fact it unfortunate (this happens with all sizes with Lip Service clothing) the actual size chart is more of a suggestion rather than being accurate.

Now if we look at the current size chart (that's a big picture that'll open in another window) we see that there are no longer any plus size listings at all and there haven't been in quite awhile which leads me to believe they won't be offering non-Torrid Lip Service in plus sizes which is fine sorta.

Just today Lip Service let the community over at LJ know about a sale and announced new styles at Torrid. Now if you look at the Lip Service website you can get a fair idea of what they offer style wise. Have a looksy here. If you look around they offer a fairly diverse range of styles of clothing.

Being that the stuff at Torrid warranted it's own wee announcement I hurried over to look and this is what I found, (another huge screenshot) no really all 8 fit on one page.

If I was looking for things I would identify as Lip Service garments, what's available would probably send me packing.

By contrast (this is the 100 item view so it might take a minute to load) Tripp's offerings for Torrid appear to be far more representative of what you might find in their jr's sizes.

Is it perfect? No. But what Tripp offers that Lip Service doesn't is comparability. As a plus size shopper with gothy tendancies you're more likely to find what you're looking for from Tripp because the selection they have offered via Torrid is pretty decent.

I have this same criticism of a few stores. Old Navy for one. There are quite a few items that are available in the not plus sizes that would be fucking fantastic and would I imagine sell quite well in plus sizes. Speaking from experience I tried on some pants there that were just a bit too small and I tried the plus size equivalent and they were not the same pants as they were supposed to be and it's irritating.

To add to the list of brands Dickies. This is what they offer via Torrid. Yes that is one pair of pants. They offer a whopping five items in their official Dickie's Girl store. If you look that's actually two items in two colors. As opposed to the multitude of skirts, dresses and pants in other sizes.

The problem is, if you are a brand known for a particular style don't be surprised when plus size shoppers don't flock to things that don't really represent your brand well.

There are lots of companies to take cues from let's go on a little journey shall we?

Let's talk about Eshakti. Here's a bit of a disclaimer I haven't shopped from them myself but I have been keeping up with the talk about them amongst some fashionable fatties.

Let's look at this garment because I like it. I like this Smocked waist embroidered cotton dress. If you examine the standard sizing link, they offer the same dress in sizes 0-26. You can also for 10$ more get this custom sized. Which is entirely not outrageous. From the reviews I've seen these are not only quality garments but, the purveyors are quite friendly and helpful.

That is offering variety in damn fine fashion.

Now if we want to talk about higher end Goth clothing let's traipse around the world. Gallery Serpentine in Australia is doing it right. The size chart is clear, just about everything I looked at was available from 0-20 (which is not ideal naturally but it's pretty good) without the nonsense.

Fashion Overdose, check out the plus size hottie right there on the front page. Also have a look at their size charts. Excellent I will be ordering from them.

So I know I usually say I won't do your research for you but there it is. What you see here is an excellent starting guide to doing plus size clothing correctly.

Now what makes me really sad is that Lip Service makes some beautiful clothing. And with my personal economic situation working out for the better (during a recession go figure) I would fucking love to give them my money for pretty things. However, I am not going to fuck around buying two or three of things because they don't provide the sizing correctly or don't offer what I want.

It breaks down this way Lip Service. If you make it well, don't make the items hard to find, make things that are comparable with more of your regular lines, and provided good information on the garments, the hot ass goth fatties would buy.

Lip Service and other retailers who clearly do not get the plus size market let me point you to a few places. The Fatshionista website and LJ community. Voluptugoths on LJ. Fatshionista's on Flickr.

Some sample questions:

Hello goth rocking fat people. We need to know what you want in your higher end goth rocking awesome clothes.

See easy peasy.

Lip Service, you may remember the poll you conducted last summer that clearly indicated by a lot of plus size and not plus size folks, if you make the clothing of awesome a little bigger we'll buy it.

Take a chance.

Now if you folks will excuse me. I am going to make myself a battle plan to purchase this here waist cincher. Which you'll notice is available 34-44.

Homo Out.


Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Fashion is fun times man.

Last weekend I did some of my belated birthday shopping and I have got to give Target some serious props.

I have been in dire need of shirts and I am highly picky. I don't want sequins, patterns, weird pleating, ruffles or other shit that screams OH HAY LOOKIT MAH TITTIES more than having DD's already does.

Target fulfills this need with their cheap (about 8$) shirts. I know heading into the Jr's section is daunting but stay with me.

Find the Mossimo layering/long and lean tops and touch them. They are fucking win.

I bought three XL tops, two tanks and one scoop neck black short sleeved tshirt. The XL fits my DD having, short torso'd self magnificently. It's not too tight, it stretches, and they don't ride up at the bottom. I am pretty certain that a large variety of sizes can rock these.

I suggest the XL if you are like me busty, with less belly. Also if you're pear shaped with smaller boobs and shoulders these should work for you.

The XXL fits me well, close but not tight. I think the XXL would work well (especially the tanks) if you have more belly and bigger boobs. Even if you have more belly and smaller boobs because these stretch really well.

This is an instance I say fuck the size tag and buy one. It's 8 bucks and if nothing else you have a new shirt to putter around teh house in.

Next up for my smaller fatties and thinner homies, go to your local Walgreens and buy lounge pants. I got two pairs in XL for 7$ on sale and they are soft and comfy. They are a tad tight on my low waist/high hip which is probably a measurement somewhere around 38-40" and they are super soft.

Back to Target. I also picked up (as always, I swear every time I leave target I have at least one of those packs of novelty knee socks) a two pack of socks. One pair is plain and heathered gray. The fit is weird. Usually target socks are kinda tight around the calf for me right at the biggest part but these work themselves down to my ankles after awhile. I haven't worn the Argyle pair (squeeeeeeeeee argyle socks) because it's been fucking cold.

And because I want to wear them with the denim Old Navy Pencil skirt I got on ebay and probably a tshirt/sweatervest (if I can find aforementioned vest).

OH I also got a pair of footless magenta tights at Target that I have yet to wear because of the weather. I'll report back on those.

Also if any of you my homies can point me towards more/cheap sweater vests? I hear there's H&M but I've yet to venture in there.

I am also in dire need of non boot/non ballet flat shoes. I am torn between Mary Janes and Chuck's. I will probably get both.

And okay that's it. But first a cute picture.

See Uniballer and my feets.

Guess which foot is mine.


AND awesome news, I was todays Featured blogger of the week over at The Best Sex Bloggers. Go read it, I'm super happy I got to do this.

So yeah I'm spent. I am working hard my homies. And it's kicking my ass and I love it. Sometimes I am a serious masochist.

Homo Out.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

When it's all the same.

I was cruising my google feed reader (handiest thing ever) and I came across this post(not totally sfw) lauding Cindy Crawford and her graceful aging.

Yes Ms. Crawford looks hot. We know this. I think we've known this for what twenty years now?

But what bothers me is the idea that one must remain youthful and largely unchanged, to stay the hot young things we were when we were 20. As I've said before I find that whole idea unnatural and plain icky.

What bothers me further is the inference these days that self care automatically means you must remain trim and toned. That taking care of yourself means staying or getting thin.

I think this bastardization of the idea of self care is harmful to people in general.

I don't like the idea that the only path to self care and therefore visible self love is to eliminate your vices, shed those pounds etc.

Why is it that in reading about self care it's always presumed that the ideal is where you must want to be? I believe that this thin centric, tunnel vision of self care is harmful and in the end for a lot of us another fount of misery.

If you haven't read it I'll point you to Kate's post about the Fantasy of Being Thin.

I bring that up because the going definitions of self care seem to fit right in don't they?

I fully believe that the idea of self care is in desperate need of rephrasing and rethinking.

Instead of self care being all about retaining your appearance of youth, being thin, appearing to be fit (because if you do a little googling it's very apparent that you can look fine and not be fine), we as humans might want to focus on being good to ourselves.

By that I mean don't exercise yourself into pain or injury. You'd think that's common sense but if you watch reality weight loss shows, listen to people talk about weightloss it's just not.

Instead of looking to remake yourself into some image of perfection that is unattainable, why not just be nice? Be nice to yourself. Learn to love your foibles, love your insecurities. Love who you have spent your time on earth becoming. And then, maybe you know what you might discover that you don't need to change.

Or maybe you do and that's okay. That's great. What I'm saying is changing because you think you're defective or because it seems like the thing to do is not good for you.

Further let's teach our kids this way. Instead of just letting them absorb all the bullshit let's fight it. Instead of letting your daughter hear how much you think your ass sucks and what a bad person you are for having that cookie, squash it. Think about all the children suffering from eating disorders. About the children suffering depression.

Think about how it might have changed your life if as a kid someone special to you showed you what a healthy body image looks like and is.

I believe that we are all fucked up. There is stuff wrong with and weird about all of us. I also believe that is not in and of itself a horrible no good very bad thing. I believe that we can love ourselves as fucked up and weird as we are. I believe that when we love ourselves it starts to get easier not to be fucked up.

It's hard.

These are lessons I take to heart because I struggle. I am not bullet proof.

I fuck up.

Sometimes I am angry with myself for not being up to my own standards.

Sometimes, I hate my ass.

Most of the time I don't. Most of the time I fight for myself. I fight to feel good and practice thoughtful self care.

So what are we going to do about all this?

You tell me my darlings. How do you love yourselves? What helps you to care for yourself in a loving manner?

Homo out.

Monday, March 23, 2009

Getting to know me...

So I am in a state so here is some fluff and getting to know you stuff.

I have to confess that despite my love of animals I am really afraid of birds. I'm not as afraid of birds as I used to be after making myself be near them without freaking out. And I talk to crows. But still. I think it's because I am by nature a kind of flaily, twitchy person sometimes and birds amplify that.

I tell you guys this because I saw a bald mother fucking eagle today and my first thought was wow pretty then it went to ZOMG GIANT BIRD OF DEATH IS GONNA PECK MY EYES OUT.

No joke.

Speaking of talking to things I talk to everything. Random critters, trees, flowers, electronics. I've done it since I was a little kid and it's pretty unconscious. I don't realize I've spoken aloud sometimes until people look at me like what the fuck?

What else?

When I drink soda I only really like it warm and flat. Gross I know.

Also I am a huge fan of mixed martial arts as I may have mentioned before.

I freaking LOVE the UFC.

I get very excited watching it.

My favorite fighters:

And I will admit fully part of why I like watching is look at home boys legs. Yes Mirko is a fantastic athlete yadda yadda but couldn't you just take a bite out of those big muscly hams?


Quentin Rampage Jackson.

Yes I want to be his homie. Listen readers, if anybody's cousins mama's best friends daughters boss knows him personally I would like at some point to give him a bear hug and smooch his head.

If I were going to be a fictional creature I'd wanna be a Klingon.

Or duh a vampire but I would be a self loving, self indulging evil mother fucker. No self loathing monsterhood for me. I would rip your throat out and fuck the hole kind of vampire. I really hate wimpy bad guys. if you're gonna be a bad guy have some balls.

Speaking of balls.

I have to admit I think these are the most ass kicking kids ever.

Um...shit yes.

Also I've been crocheting my wee arse off. Thus far I've made a scarf, three ugly hats and a crochet holder.


My hair is fabulous. I love it so hard right now.

Tomorrow actual fatshions related content my darlings. I went to Target and got some deals YO.

So tell me about some of your peccadilloes and foibles my darlings. Those are the most lovable and interesting things about people.

Homo out.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Oh rly, er ruminations take two.

Okay sooo I remembered what exactly it was I wanted to post yesterday before my brain crapped out.

I was reminded where I was trying to go by Mo Pie's post over at BFD about some article advising men on how to get their ladies who are gaining weight to not do so.

As I sort of said yesterday I don't see the point in going on and on about how someone else's body is not to your liking. Whether it's a fashion model, a piece of art on Deviant Art, some lady at the club whatever.

The point I'd wanted to touch on is this.

The ideology that revolves around thinking that it's good and correct to shame people into change just baffles me. Especially when it comes to outward appearance.

We see it constantly every day. It has invaded our language.

For instance when it comes to weight.

Instead of being healthy, or trying to be, or even dealing with health issues the language is one of strife and conflict.

The War On Obesity.

Fight those unwanted pounds/cravings/desires.

Language is a powerful thing. Is it any wonder that our kids (younger and younger) are so enmeshed in anxiety about their changing bodies?

Is it any wonder that so many people feel they must punish themselves for eating something deemed as bad.

I'm not exempt.

There was quite a long time when I was actively engaged in war with my body. I took the No Pain No Gain approach to my health care and fitness. There is no doubt it was war.

When you are spending 60% of your time and energy actively fighting how your body is naturally at some point don't you wonder what the fuck you are doing?

I was steeped in shame.

I was ashamed because no matter how much fat I cut out of my diet, no matter how many crunches I did, no matter what kind of weight lifting I did, no matter how much yoga I did, I could not get my stomach flat. I was guilty of having fat on my stomach and took that guilt to heart.

Even at about 100 pounds, my stomach was not flat. Even when I was at my most muscular with my lowest ratio of body fat, the eight pack was still covered in a layer of fat and I was so ashamed.

When I was at my technically fittest, I was most ashamed of my body because the usual signs of such fitness were not there.

I still had round cheeks, I still had belly fat, I still had big thighs, I still sometimes from certain angles had a bit of a double chin. My ass still jiggled when I walked or danced.

How was that good for me?

Back to this cult of shame idea.

How many times have you heard or seen people shamed because they might have bright colored hair? Or because she's showing some cleavage? Or because he's not manly looking?

At some point I believe it would behoove society as a whole to stop putting up with that.

Different does not equal bad or wrong it's just different.

What astounds me is how deep into our lives this goes.

People are shamed for so many things in the name of what are on the top of it good causes.

How many feminist centered arguments are there that shame women into not wanting to admit they like to be tied up and spanked?

Why is that good? Why is it good that someone like this, had/has to question her feminism because of what she likes sexually?

Who does that benefit?

Why does anyone have to know if they aren't sleeping with her what she likes sexually? And why should she have to be considerate of someone (who is not in her bed) else's limits?

I have yet to have anyone be able to explain to me how or why shaming someone into change is good.

I think that people who practice this kind of shaming are projecting their own insecurities.

They are afraid to be different and therefore when confronted by difference they freak and get mean.

I also think that people who engage in this kind of shaming may have what they think are good intentions.

Some people are afraid of not being a part of the crowd. Some people are afraid not to toe whatever party line.

Just because you are afraid that does no mean that I must be afraid.

Okay I'm done.

Now how about some links of deliciousness?

First up some sexy links:

The lovely hotness that is Mollena has bought probably the most awesome domain I have heard about in recent times. Fat girls+bondage photos=MOTHERFUCKING HOT. Go read her news about it. I am really really fucking excited about this.

Speaking of hotness she also linked to one of my favorite things. The Bay Area Women of Color project. Beautiful erotic photography featuring women of color. Which leads me to wonder is there something like that here in the PNW? If so where, how, links pls.

I just started reading Scarlet Lotus and I really fucking love this post.

Over at Queer Eye Candy, this Belted Butch photo gave me quite the wee thrill. If you like eye candy, look at all the photos you will be much pleased.

Tom over at The Edge of Vanilla posted an HNT that I think is tasty.

Essin Em' wrote a post about becoming a switch that I think is excellent food for thought.

Diva over at The Best Sex Bloggers put up a feature by Sera about spanking that is just fucking hot. HOT.

Now for some other more worksafe type links.

Mischo guest blogged on SheBreathes.

Dennis Cooper (an author I just love) posted some really neat pictures that are him thinking outloud about a novel he's working on currently. Can I mention it tickles me that other authors do that?

And I think that's it. These are are all seriously links plucked from my google reader.

So my darlings. I am off. I will probably post some pics tomorrow. Including maybe an outfit pic of my uninteresting cold weather cranky office goth variety.

Homo Out.

PS..I am SO excited I'm going to learn how to rollerset my hair. I'll be updating my hair journal tonight or tomorrow. Links to come.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Ruminating on the body.

I was cruising Deviant Art a few days ago and again came across the kind of bullshit comments (I would link it but the owner of the art in question deleted the fuckery) that astonishes me.

Well not really, more like makes me want to punch people in the face repeatedly.

Namely, body wank.

Can I tell you internets, I fully believe in self governing. If you are really horrified and traumatized by seeing a naked ass that is not the kind of naked ass you like getting naked with, close the fucking window.

Given the staggering amount of naked you can find on the internet, why is it entertaining or productive to argue with strangers about how terrible and awful someone else's ass is?

Don't feed me that "it's only the internet" bullshit.

Frankly that's one of the dumbest explanations of fuckery I hear. Yes it is the internets, but those are fucking people too. So don't blame your love of being an "anonymous" dick on it just being the internet.

Moving along.

Since I've gotten a new camera and have been practicing with it I am looking forward to doing some self portrait experiments. I know some people find the practice unbearably vain but I don't care.

I have ideas of using some costuming to explore and express some sides of myself. My lipstick wearing butch side that I feel but don't often outwardly express for instance.

I have these ideas that are mixed up with sex and nudity and body politics but I tend to overwhelm myself with them. I have to slow my roll so I can create something I am proud of.

I know I said that before but it does mean that much to me.

In other news I am (as I hinted at over at LJ) considering putting together some of my erotica and self publishing it. After I get some things settled I think I am going to go ahead with that plan.

I think that's it today. I was all revved up to rant earlier and I kinda lost my hardon. Fucking DST fucks with me hardcore every year and I'm so over it.

later taters.

Homo Out.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

My third decade..of win?

So today yesterday I turned 32 years old.

I've been waxing philosophical about aging and I've come to a few conclusions.

I am among those I count as getting better with age. I'm far less prone to screaming at people in public, I am finally mostly comfortable in my skin, I have learned that even when I don't have fancy language I can express myself and fuck people if they laugh.

In other news the weather continues to thwart me wearing some of my cute new clothes because unlike the Fabulous Tara I cannot brave skirts and cold weather leggings or no.

I also really need some shoes.

I started this yesterday but got entirely distracted.

I had more awesome planned however I am feeling a bit brain dead in the cranial region. My sleep is way off thanks to DST and fucking ever lasting winter.

Here's what I got.

In my now 32 years of life there are certain things I have realized.

I have realized that my tolerance of bullshit has remained low and will probably remain so forever.

I have finally come to the realization that I am not going to change who I am to fit what other people expect me to be. I'm done doing that.

I am also very aware of how strange it feels to have lived this long. There is a part of me that marvels that I made it. There were some pretty dicey years and the fact that I'm still tottering around is a big deal.


Yeah so stuff and whatnot.

See I really can't brain so well today.

Tomorrow I have some pics to share and possibly some talk about sexy fatshions. And some bra talk.

I've got another sexuality rant working up but too slow to do it today.

So my darlings what's new and fabulous with you?

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

A little advice..and whatnot.

Oh Paulie thank you for reminding me I totally forgot the end of the story from yesterday.

Self righteous Healthier than Thou lady doesn't speak to me anymore. I still see her several times a week and she usually just gives me a kind of sour face. I find it amusing.

So now onto the advice of the day.

One of my hetero guy readers asked this:

Hi Nudiemuse, I am a straight guy in my thirties and would like to know how to be a better lover.

I reworded that a bit because there were some fairly identifiable bits in there and I like to preserve my homies anonymity and this fellow mentioned some shyness about asking.

Okay first of all my peen bearing homie, the fact that you are asking this is an awesome place to start. Bravo.

I think your first step is to be a good partner in and out of bed. Give your lady support when she needs it, know when to leave her the fuck alone, don't expect her to be awesome all the time and chances are she won't expect the same of you.

Next thing, pay attention to her body. A lot of women are shy about being vocal when it comes to what pleases them. Many of us have been led to believe a lot of bullshit about our sexuality, everything from the old stupid idea that a woman is a ho if she enjoys sex to shame about our sex parts. I will tell you my homie, sometimes it is a serious burden for some of us and can really fuck with our sex lives for years.

Be aware of your lovers background. Does she come from a highly religious background? Has she had good sex before? Has anyone been mean to her about her sexuality? These are hard questions to ask sometimes but taking that initiative and starting that conversation can be a really wonderful thing. Also it shows you really care.

Now you're on the road to the emotional part of being a more awesome lover let's talk about some physical bits ok?

Of paramount importance is understanding lady junk. Yes. You need to understand the pussy, talk to the pussy, make friends with the pussy (Okay I totally was just half quoting the band Hed (pe) there for a second) in essence, you need to get a good grasp on how lady parts are.

First thing. Pussies are incredibly diverse. And frankly 99% do not look like what you see in porn or magazines. Actual pussy is not airbrushed.

Also to quote the Vagina Monologues, pussy is supposed to smell like pussy. Not flowers, not douche, not whatever weirdo powder is being marketed that day. Pussy.

You my friend are probably pretty awesome and already know this part.

Here's something to do. Go to Babeland (DUDES my affiliate link with Toys in Babeland check it in the sidebar) with your lady sitting right there with you and together pick out a new toy. Does she like shiny stuff? It's okay if you're both a little shy, giggle together. Read the toy descriptions outloud to each other and make fun of them if you feel like it, laugh, blush.

Remember sex does not have to be serious business.

Buy some porn together. If your lady is anything like me she may not be into mainstream porn at all. In which case I suggest maybe doing some googling together to find something you both like.

Being a good lover boils down to some essentials.

Being an open and honest communicator. Learn to really hear what your partner is saying.

Pay attention. If you do something and your lady's hips move slightly away but move closer when you do something else, go with the something else. You get me?

Be willing to be silly. Being silly and giggly can indicate that you are relaxed and relaxation can make all sorts of sex way more fun.

The truth is my friend, I can't tell you explicitly how to be a good lover to your lady because we're all different. The most loving and important thing you can do, is ask her.

I also as always advocate research. There are a bajillion blogs by women who talk about their sex lives. Head over to The Best Sex Bloggers and do some cruising. Look at their blogroll, just go crazy with the links and explore.

You can also head to the library or book store and peruse the womens studies and erotica sections.

And rely on your gut. If your gut tells you that your girl would not be down for rose petals on the bed and would rather play some DDR then have hot sweaty sexing on the floor, do that. You know your girl best.

Also okay my peen loving readers out there, I know there are a lot of you. Can we give this guy some more pointers? And if there are more of you boys out there, give your buddy some tips.

Okay I am spent.

I have some fatshions to post and um yeah.

Wow I seriously just ran out of steam so I should go eat before I fall out.

Homo Out. interview is going up soon. Sarah is also, super fucking awesome.


Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Of my body and the consternation of others.

Something interesting happened to me recently. A woman I don't really know very well but whom I see every now and then in the neighborhood and on the bus decided to take it upon herself to talk in my ear about how unhealthy I am apparently.

Now much to her consternation despite the fact that she is quite a bit thinner than I am, by the arbitrary ideas of fitness and diet I am in fact healthier than she. Instead of just ignoring her I decided to let the conversation spin out and here's what we found out.

Yours truly, on the move fat ass that I am, walks about 3-5 miles a day in the winter. A bit more 5-7 when the weather is nicer and my joints can take it. She on the other hand walks about 2 every other day.

This fat ass, does not eat fast food more than say once a month or so. Does not drink soda more than a can every other month or so and generally speaking not a whole one. The fatty fat fat fat girl drinks a lot of water, eats vegetables, takes vitamins and calcium.

The thin "good" lady eats fast food daily, drinks a lot of soda. From her own mouth about two 20 ounces a day.

Now if we put these things on paper, fatty is the healthier of the two.

However, I do have some health issues that she does not. Also according to the charts I am apparently about five pounds into death fat.

Now going back to pre-death fatness I had the very same health issues. Some I have had since I was an underweight, under sized (I was in the lowest percentile for childhood growth until I was about 12), others I developed as a teenager.

Let's talk about some of my health problems shall we?

I have been borderline hypoglycemic for ages. That is direct fallout from the fact that my eating habits tend towards a problem I have being able to tell the physical difference between hunger and thirst. 99 times out of a 100 I will figure I am thirsty first.

That being what it is (there are reasons for the above problem that I'd rather not go into detail about right now) and the fact that I tend to go for unsweetened tea or water, my blood sugar goes wacked out to the low end and there you go.

A doctor I went to when I was 25 or 26 or so made me do three fasting blood sugar tests in a short span of time because she was convinced that my then fatter self had to be pre-diabetic. Because clearly if you are fat you are of course going to have teh diabeetus.

Normally when it comes to medical stuff I am panicky on the inside and stoic on the outside. That last one though I was so upset that the actual problem I went to the doctor for was not being addressed in favor of her trying to get me on diabetes medications, I let myself faint right in her office.

Now it's important, vitally so to understand why I was so pissed off. I was in her office for a raging ear infection that had not cleared up with one course of antibiotics. I had that year already had a complete physical and showed no signs of being pre-diabetic, my blood pressure was slightly elevated due to having an infection and being angry.

I was not treated for a clear medical problem based entirely on my BMI and not on a single iota of information in my current medical chart.

That wasn't the last time I had something like that happen.

For instance can we talk about blood pressure?

I realize that I am a fat black woman over 30 and should be aware of the specter of hypertension.

However, if my BP is taken incorrectly. Or right after strenuous physical activity, or in the middle of a stressful situation I am gonna bring it up and refuse to be medicated at that point.

Call me insane but, I expect people who went to school for eleventybillion years to become doctors to have some clue of how the human body works. I also expect that unless I show reason for things to be otherwise to be listened to about what's going on and not have medications pushed at me at inappropriate times.

I've known crack dealers less fucking pushy.

As I get older I have less and less patience for bullshit especially when it comes to people I am supposed to trust with my life.

I am highly disinclined to want to give that trust to someone who does not understand the difference between a bp reading during a stressful situation while someone has an infection. Or using an inappropriately sized cuff. In my case it was a bit too snug.

This is mostly on my mind because I am looking for a new doctor. I am really tired of having to go for more visits because the doctor isn't listening to what my issues actually are.

I want a doctor who will help me find ways to exercise that won't cause me further harm because most of what I already know does not jibe with how well my knees work. I want a doctor who understands that the whole of my health is not wrapped up in my BMI.

So yeah as the saying goes I am putting that out into the universe and making an appointment with a new doctor soon.

Okay I am so done I have a ton of shit to do.

My hetero man reader, yes baby you I have an entry worked up to answer your question hopefully tomorrow.

Last week I worked whacked hours and I am still kinda not right.

OH I totally forgot to mention.

I am happy to announce that the ever fabulous and talented Sarah Katharine Lewis interviewed me!!!!! She interviewed me about some of my writing and it was awesome. I am so excited that she did my very first official awesome interview. I will absolutely be putting links everywhere when it's ready.

I can't even tell you guys just how cool this was. No really.'

There's one other sex related thing but I will spring that on you when it happens.


Yeah that's actually totally it.

I have some non blog related writing to catch up and deal with.


Okay yeah I'm spent.

Homo Out.


Thursday, March 05, 2009

Advice for the virginal.

This question is awesome.

HI! I read your blog religiously--- I love how frank you are and that you really take time to help people out in such a forthright way. And because of that I am going to confess something to you "anonymously" that I have never, ever told anyone else before because I am far far far too embarrassed to even tell friends or family. I am 25 year old hetero female and have never had sex, never even kissed a guy or held a guy's hand. At the age of 24 was the first time a guy even hugged me. And now I am sooo afraid to being in any intimate situation with a guy because I literally have no idea what to do or how to do it. I am terrified of my first kiss because I don't want to screw up or make a fool of myself. And as far as sex goes--- I literally am 100% freaked out for the same reasons. But I want to have a romantic sex life..... I am just afraid of the unknown though.

Any thoughts, suggestions, references, referrals, anything??? Please please please help this "too-old-to-be-a-virgin"!!!

Thank you so so so much for even considering answering this desperate plea for help!!!

First of all my darling, I am so glad you sent in this question. And you have nothing to be ashamed or embarassed about.

Now first thing I recommend is take a deep breath, relax and take some notes baby.

You are not too old to be a virgin, you can be a virgin for as long as you damn well please. Also, you don't have to stay a virgin if you don't wanna. Your virginity is none of anyone's business if you don't want it to be, you don't have to be embarassed or feel like you're the only one because chances are you're not.

Next thing.

If you want to embark on losing your virginity or even getting some intimacy with a boy, go where there are boys. The fact is, you can take things as slow as you need to. You got a hug which is awesome, next thing maybe a date. I know it is stupid to give you the most cliche advice ever but, you just gotta do it. If you find a guy you're attracted to, make a move. Yes, it is super easy to say not as easy to do for a lot of folks but, like going into ice cold water sometimes you just have to jump right in.

If you're not ready to make the move on a hot piece of man, consider joining a social group or find another activity where there are men. Get to know some guys on a platonic level. I have the feeling you might not have a lot of male friends and being around men might make you feel weird and nervous. And I would bet you money that there are lots of guys who feel just as weird and nervous around the ladies too.

Hang out where there are men, talk to men. You don't have to think as far ahead as getting that first smooch if you don't want to. Since you are nervous and afraid I highly recommend taking your sweet time.

By this I mean, go on some dates. Or just spend some time around men. I also recommend (if you haven't already) masturbating. If you haven't spent some time exploring your body and having anything inside you, I suggest it. Do some fantasizing about how you might like a man to touch you.

Also, remember that your virginity can mean as much or as little to you as you want. I know the going dogma is that your first time kissing or having sex should be a huge momentous thing and frankly I don't believe that. It is your body, so the meaning is entirely up to you.


OH this could work for you. Find a male friend. Someone you can develop a close relationship with. Someone you like talking to and hanging out with. At some point if you get the feeling you can say, "look I want to kiss you." The guy might say no and it will hurt and feel bad but, it would not be the end of the world.

Keep in mind that everybody gets rejected at some point. Someone you are into might not be into you and it's not the end of the world, and it doesn't mean that you are terrible in some way. That is just not the person for you. You don't have to know what you're doing. I don't believe that anyone is born being a good lover.

If you want to take the approach I took before losing my virginity read about sex. I'm talking about erotica, factual stuff. Prior to losing my virginity I devoured sex information, and back then I didn't have the internet so you sugar are in a very awesome position of having everything you wanna know about doing it right at your fingertips.

For me, having intellectual knowledge of something can take a lot of the fear out of it. Bear in mind that even if you get all the knowledge in the universe what really turns me on, might not work for you and that's awesome. But knowing the possibilities can go a ways towards easing some of your fears and nervousness.

There are a couple of things I want you to go read right now.

The Scarlet Teen First Intercourse 101.

I think Scarlet Teen is one of the best resources on the web. It is geared towards youngsters but I wholeheartedly love all of the information. I've been reading and using that site since I got on the internets a long time ago.

Next read the 10 Best things You Can Do For your Sexual Self. Actually everybody go read that one.

Also before you do anything sexual with anyone (if you aren't already) go to your gynecologist and get checked out. Get on birth control if you want to, get familiar with your own lady parts health situation.

In essence my virginal homie, it all boils down to a few things. First and foremost get to know yourself sexually. Know your health, do the things that a responsible sexual partner does. You can even go get tested just to get an understanding of what that is like and what it's about (it's totally not as scary as it sounds), maybe enlist a trusted friend and head to the clinic for a let's get the all clear day out. Get tested, take your friend and go have some cupcakes afterwards. Make a day of celebrating your responsibility and respect for yourself.

And finally do not feel like you have to do anything. If you are out with a guy and are not feeling like hand holding or smooching don't. If you do find yourself out with a guy and you want to just go for it, do it. There are no rules dictating how you should or shouldn't do your thing. If you find you are satisfied with finding a guy you're into and snogging your brains out FUCK YES. If you find that you're happy jumping on a guy and riding him like a prize bull FUCK YES. If you decide you want to take things slow and stay a virgin FUCK YES.

You are a smart lady and you know what I'm saying here.

The only things I'm going to ask that you promise me are the following.

  • Be safe. Use protection.
  • Treat yourself with dignity and do not let people bullshit you. Your feelings and decisions are no one else's to make. The only person who's opinion on your virginity and journey to being a sexually active human are your own.
  • Have some fun. Sex is no srs business. Weird and funny things might happen and that's okay and awesome.
  • Finally, if you ever find yourself in a position where you start to feel entirely uncomfortable say no. You can say no whenever you want to and when you say no it is to be respected.

Feel free to write me again with more questions if you have them. Readers, do you have other tips? Are you a virgin too? Comment anonymously if you wanna. Help our homie out.

Now, go forth and give yourself some awesome orgasms. Look at your pussy (yes this too is required homework). Have a gander at the interwebs and look at some nekkid men. Take some time to really look at some penis, they are not scary I promise. Fortify yourself with knowledge and humour.

I hope this rambling bit of talk helps you out, have faith in yourself. There is some guy(s) who are going to rock your world with their hand holding and smooching skills. And eventually there is going to be that guy who's world YOU are going to rock.

Okay my homies.

That's it for today. Keep the questions coming. I just got one from a hetero fellow (Um OMFG I HAS SOME BOY READERS AWESOME! I love the peen!) who needs some lady loving advice and I have some.

Goodnight homies and haters.

Homo Out.


Tuesday, March 03, 2009

Random fat related musings.

I was musing earlier (being that it's my usual navel gazing time of year) and looking at some old pictures of me. Let me illuminate you and show you the picture in question.

That is probably about oh 7-8 years old now. Now to all appearances that is a happy young Shannon, pretty fit, not fat right?

So if it is to be believed that thinner=better I should probably be looking back at that with sad fondness and longing.

In actuality I was pretty ill. What you can't see is how miserable I was. I was miserable because I didn't feel well. Medication I was on caused hairloss and weightloss. From about the belly button down I was wearing a size 6-7 and because of the DD boobies XL or 12-14 up top hence the cardigan.

I remember feeling horribly undesirable and my self esteem was seriously in the shitter. I really deeply hated my body.

Hindsight being what it is, I do kind of wish I could go back and tell myself it's okay that there was a choice. I was not required to enjoy being in that particular physical state.

I wish I had known more about being well rather than focusing on some ideal that I didn't believe in.

I forget now what my original point was.


Wow I've been working an unintended double shift and I'm exhausted.

My darling Virgin your question is up Thursday or Friday.

Awesome only a half hour left.

later my loves.

Monday, March 02, 2009

Dispatch from the Menstrual Hut.

Okay first if you know me or want to know me a little better. Go read this right here.

We all know by now that usually things like that don't really get me excited, I like them for instance I liked Joy Nash's Fat Rants but they did not give me any kind of visceral YES YES YES in my nervous system. That entry up there did.

To continue the theme of aging I realized when I started my period on Thursday that as I get older my boobs swell more than they used to. Which means, while my uterus is showing me might and dominion over all other forms of carbon based life by spewing detritus, my boobs go from a DD to bigger. I did not realize how much bigger until Friday and said boobies were seriously falling out over the top.

It would probably look awesome in pictures but OW FUCK MY BOOBS.

So I'll be buying a bigger titty bra for period time some time soon.

In other news, I was perusing a free "health" mag (I'll get to why I put it in quotes there in a minute) I got in the mail and I sat down and did some serious math.

In it they promised no less than five different work outs/diets that absolutely promise you'll be "sexy", "better", etc.

Diet#1 was designed for some lady I've never heard of who wants to drop her 15 pounds of pregnancy weight. Her stats were listed as being 5'5" and 131 pounds.

Now using the BMI calculator linked in the article her current bad before BMI that is supposed to be horrible and scary is 21.5 which for her height is supposed to be smack in the middle of perfectly healthy. No where in the article did she mention whether or not she's breastfeeding, had any complications during her pregnancy. It did mention that she wants to be back to her prepregnancy weight of 115 pounds which is a BMI of approximately 19 which is barely above underweight.

The promise is that she can get back to being just above underweight from her current healthy weight in just under six weeks with their plan.

Granted I don't have babies but who has time to cut and measure foods down to the tablespoon, workout at an estimated 2 hours six days a week?

Now the hook for this spectacular weightloss diet is that it's supposed to be easy, affordable and work fantastically for the average person. I calculated how much one day of this diet would cost me for one person (nevermind if you are actually cooking for a family) with local resources.

The cheapest day of this diet would cost me about 35$ for just me to eat for just one day. That's not including transportation costs, because I would not be able to get raw organic flax seeds at my local grocer, so I would have to spend time on the bus heading out of my neighborhood to have access.

Also the exercises are good ones no doubt. Old fashioned calisthenics with a twist of some yoga moves and one of those body balls. What they don't mention anywhere in the article is making certain if you have bad knees to be careful with some of the exercises, nor do they mention that it's probably not a good idea to start that kind of serious workout without yanno, consulting your doctor whom I would think if they had your health in mind, might remind you that if your baby is still on the boob you'll probably need more fat and calories in your diet. So you don't yanno starve your fucking newborn.

I did the same math with other of their "miracle" diets and essentially found the same things. Even substituting subpar foods for what was listed they are highly expensive, highly time consuming and I don't know about you but I have shit to do. I do not have time and I can't imagine if I was the everywoman working Mom they like to feature in this particular magazine, that I would have time to do stuff around the house, work, measure my raw organic whatever down to the tablespoon, make dinner for the family, pull out my yoga mat, body ball, hand weights twice a day, sleep and whatever else.

All to get not to a healthy weight as it would appear on first glance but all of these diets seemed designed for those who are already healthy to get skinny or underweight.

I cannot grasp how if one is already pretty healthy, how it is healthy to then starve yourself into being borderline underweight. Why is this deemed to be awesome?

One of their "awful" before pictures showed a woman who was looking pretty damn good. From her little bio she already worked out for an hour a day, wasn't having health issues, and looked to be what I'd call thin. Her big issue was that she wanted to (oh you know where this is going) get into the same jeans she wore when she was 20. Problem was naturally that she was going on 50.

What is wrong with this society that we expect our bodies to remain in a state of youth? How is it at all unnatural that a woman's body changes over time?

If you are a human being, no matter what kind of awesome diet and grueling 7 day a week part time job level work out plan you have, your body is going to change and decay. Yes, there are celebrities and others who look fabulous at 70 but the fact is the majority of human beings are going to get saggy, wrinkly, fuzzy, one nut is going to be in your sock and the other one at your knee.

It is unnatural to be the same (or nearly the same) at 50 that you were at 20. Biology has a clock, it keeps going for everyone.

And it pisses me off that our world has devolved to the point that you are suddenly gross and abnormal if you don't have that burning desire to revert to your 20 year old body.

It does a huge disservice to women and humanity in general to be promoting the idea that if you age, if your boobs start to sag or maybe your ass gets lumpy, your balls sag whatever that there is something wrong and awful about you and that it is your moral imperative to do everything to stop that process.

Now if you folks will excuse me.

I have delicious sencha tea to drink, and a migraine to try and chase away. I also need to work on fabulous project #2 which I would think wouldn't be so hard but it is.

Homo Out.

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