HI! I read your blog religiously--- I love how frank you are and that you really take time to help people out in such a forthright way. And because of that I am going to confess something to you "anonymously" that I have never, ever told anyone else before because I am far far far too embarrassed to even tell friends or family. I am 25 year old hetero female and have never had sex, never even kissed a guy or held a guy's hand. At the age of 24 was the first time a guy even hugged me. And now I am sooo afraid to being in any intimate situation with a guy because I literally have no idea what to do or how to do it. I am terrified of my first kiss because I don't want to screw up or make a fool of myself. And as far as sex goes--- I literally am 100% freaked out for the same reasons. But I want to have a romantic sex life..... I am just afraid of the unknown though.
Any thoughts, suggestions, references, referrals, anything??? Please please please help this "too-old-to-be-a-virgin"!!!
Thank you so so so much for even considering answering this desperate plea for help!!!
First of all my darling, I am so glad you sent in this question. And you have nothing to be ashamed or embarassed about.
Now first thing I recommend is take a deep breath, relax and take some notes baby.
You are not too old to be a virgin, you can be a virgin for as long as you damn well please. Also, you don't have to stay a virgin if you don't wanna. Your virginity is none of anyone's business if you don't want it to be, you don't have to be embarassed or feel like you're the only one because chances are you're not.
If you want to embark on losing your virginity or even getting some intimacy with a boy, go where there are boys. The fact is, you can take things as slow as you need to. You got a hug which is awesome, next thing maybe a date. I know it is stupid to give you the most cliche advice ever but, you just gotta do it. If you find a guy you're attracted to, make a move. Yes, it is super easy to say not as easy to do for a lot of folks but, like going into ice cold water sometimes you just have to jump right in.
If you're not ready to make the move on a hot piece of man, consider joining a social group or find another activity where there are men. Get to know some guys on a platonic level. I have the feeling you might not have a lot of male friends and being around men might make you feel weird and nervous. And I would bet you money that there are lots of guys who feel just as weird and nervous around the ladies too.
Hang out where there are men, talk to men. You don't have to think as far ahead as getting that first smooch if you don't want to. Since you are nervous and afraid I highly recommend taking your sweet time.
By this I mean, go on some dates. Or just spend some time around men. I also recommend (if you haven't already) masturbating. If you haven't spent some time exploring your body and having anything inside you, I suggest it. Do some fantasizing about how you might like a man to touch you.
Also, remember that your virginity can mean as much or as little to you as you want. I know the going dogma is that your first time kissing or having sex should be a huge momentous thing and frankly I don't believe that. It is your body, so the meaning is entirely up to you.
OH this could work for you. Find a male friend. Someone you can develop a close relationship with. Someone you like talking to and hanging out with. At some point if you get the feeling you can say, "look I want to kiss you." The guy might say no and it will hurt and feel bad but, it would not be the end of the world.
Keep in mind that everybody gets rejected at some point. Someone you are into might not be into you and it's not the end of the world, and it doesn't mean that you are terrible in some way. That is just not the person for you. You don't have to know what you're doing. I don't believe that anyone is born being a good lover.
If you want to take the approach I took before losing my virginity read about sex. I'm talking about erotica, factual stuff. Prior to losing my virginity I devoured sex information, and back then I didn't have the internet so you sugar are in a very awesome position of having everything you wanna know about doing it right at your fingertips.
For me, having intellectual knowledge of something can take a lot of the fear out of it. Bear in mind that even if you get all the knowledge in the universe what really turns me on, might not work for you and that's awesome. But knowing the possibilities can go a ways towards easing some of your fears and nervousness.
There are a couple of things I want you to go read right now.
The Scarlet Teen First Intercourse 101.
I think Scarlet Teen is one of the best resources on the web. It is geared towards youngsters but I wholeheartedly love all of the information. I've been reading and using that site since I got on the internets a long time ago.
Next read the 10 Best things You Can Do For your Sexual Self. Actually everybody go read that one.
Also before you do anything sexual with anyone (if you aren't already) go to your gynecologist and get checked out. Get on birth control if you want to, get familiar with your own lady parts health situation.
In essence my virginal homie, it all boils down to a few things. First and foremost get to know yourself sexually. Know your health, do the things that a responsible sexual partner does. You can even go get tested just to get an understanding of what that is like and what it's about (it's totally not as scary as it sounds), maybe enlist a trusted friend and head to the clinic for a let's get the all clear day out. Get tested, take your friend and go have some cupcakes afterwards. Make a day of celebrating your responsibility and respect for yourself.
And finally do not feel like you have to do anything. If you are out with a guy and are not feeling like hand holding or smooching don't. If you do find yourself out with a guy and you want to just go for it, do it. There are no rules dictating how you should or shouldn't do your thing. If you find you are satisfied with finding a guy you're into and snogging your brains out FUCK YES. If you find that you're happy jumping on a guy and riding him like a prize bull FUCK YES. If you decide you want to take things slow and stay a virgin FUCK YES.
You are a smart lady and you know what I'm saying here.
The only things I'm going to ask that you promise me are the following.
- Be safe. Use protection.
- Treat yourself with dignity and do not let people bullshit you. Your feelings and decisions are no one else's to make. The only person who's opinion on your virginity and journey to being a sexually active human are your own.
- Have some fun. Sex is no srs business. Weird and funny things might happen and that's okay and awesome.
- Finally, if you ever find yourself in a position where you start to feel entirely uncomfortable say no. You can say no whenever you want to and when you say no it is to be respected.
Feel free to write me again with more questions if you have them. Readers, do you have other tips? Are you a virgin too? Comment anonymously if you wanna. Help our homie out.
Now, go forth and give yourself some awesome orgasms. Look at your pussy (yes this too is required homework). Have a gander at the interwebs and look at some nekkid men. Take some time to really look at some penis, they are not scary I promise. Fortify yourself with knowledge and humour.
I hope this rambling bit of talk helps you out, have faith in yourself. There is some guy(s) who are going to rock your world with their hand holding and smooching skills. And eventually there is going to be that guy who's world YOU are going to rock.
Okay my homies.
That's it for today. Keep the questions coming. I just got one from a hetero fellow (Um OMFG I HAS SOME BOY READERS AWESOME! I love the peen!) who needs some lady loving advice and I have some.
Goodnight homies and haters.