Thursday, March 05, 2009

Advice for the virginal.

This question is awesome.

HI! I read your blog religiously--- I love how frank you are and that you really take time to help people out in such a forthright way. And because of that I am going to confess something to you "anonymously" that I have never, ever told anyone else before because I am far far far too embarrassed to even tell friends or family. I am 25 year old hetero female and have never had sex, never even kissed a guy or held a guy's hand. At the age of 24 was the first time a guy even hugged me. And now I am sooo afraid to being in any intimate situation with a guy because I literally have no idea what to do or how to do it. I am terrified of my first kiss because I don't want to screw up or make a fool of myself. And as far as sex goes--- I literally am 100% freaked out for the same reasons. But I want to have a romantic sex life..... I am just afraid of the unknown though.

Any thoughts, suggestions, references, referrals, anything??? Please please please help this "too-old-to-be-a-virgin"!!!

Thank you so so so much for even considering answering this desperate plea for help!!!

First of all my darling, I am so glad you sent in this question. And you have nothing to be ashamed or embarassed about.

Now first thing I recommend is take a deep breath, relax and take some notes baby.

You are not too old to be a virgin, you can be a virgin for as long as you damn well please. Also, you don't have to stay a virgin if you don't wanna. Your virginity is none of anyone's business if you don't want it to be, you don't have to be embarassed or feel like you're the only one because chances are you're not.

Next thing.

If you want to embark on losing your virginity or even getting some intimacy with a boy, go where there are boys. The fact is, you can take things as slow as you need to. You got a hug which is awesome, next thing maybe a date. I know it is stupid to give you the most cliche advice ever but, you just gotta do it. If you find a guy you're attracted to, make a move. Yes, it is super easy to say not as easy to do for a lot of folks but, like going into ice cold water sometimes you just have to jump right in.

If you're not ready to make the move on a hot piece of man, consider joining a social group or find another activity where there are men. Get to know some guys on a platonic level. I have the feeling you might not have a lot of male friends and being around men might make you feel weird and nervous. And I would bet you money that there are lots of guys who feel just as weird and nervous around the ladies too.

Hang out where there are men, talk to men. You don't have to think as far ahead as getting that first smooch if you don't want to. Since you are nervous and afraid I highly recommend taking your sweet time.

By this I mean, go on some dates. Or just spend some time around men. I also recommend (if you haven't already) masturbating. If you haven't spent some time exploring your body and having anything inside you, I suggest it. Do some fantasizing about how you might like a man to touch you.

Also, remember that your virginity can mean as much or as little to you as you want. I know the going dogma is that your first time kissing or having sex should be a huge momentous thing and frankly I don't believe that. It is your body, so the meaning is entirely up to you.


OH this could work for you. Find a male friend. Someone you can develop a close relationship with. Someone you like talking to and hanging out with. At some point if you get the feeling you can say, "look I want to kiss you." The guy might say no and it will hurt and feel bad but, it would not be the end of the world.

Keep in mind that everybody gets rejected at some point. Someone you are into might not be into you and it's not the end of the world, and it doesn't mean that you are terrible in some way. That is just not the person for you. You don't have to know what you're doing. I don't believe that anyone is born being a good lover.

If you want to take the approach I took before losing my virginity read about sex. I'm talking about erotica, factual stuff. Prior to losing my virginity I devoured sex information, and back then I didn't have the internet so you sugar are in a very awesome position of having everything you wanna know about doing it right at your fingertips.

For me, having intellectual knowledge of something can take a lot of the fear out of it. Bear in mind that even if you get all the knowledge in the universe what really turns me on, might not work for you and that's awesome. But knowing the possibilities can go a ways towards easing some of your fears and nervousness.

There are a couple of things I want you to go read right now.

The Scarlet Teen First Intercourse 101.

I think Scarlet Teen is one of the best resources on the web. It is geared towards youngsters but I wholeheartedly love all of the information. I've been reading and using that site since I got on the internets a long time ago.

Next read the 10 Best things You Can Do For your Sexual Self. Actually everybody go read that one.

Also before you do anything sexual with anyone (if you aren't already) go to your gynecologist and get checked out. Get on birth control if you want to, get familiar with your own lady parts health situation.

In essence my virginal homie, it all boils down to a few things. First and foremost get to know yourself sexually. Know your health, do the things that a responsible sexual partner does. You can even go get tested just to get an understanding of what that is like and what it's about (it's totally not as scary as it sounds), maybe enlist a trusted friend and head to the clinic for a let's get the all clear day out. Get tested, take your friend and go have some cupcakes afterwards. Make a day of celebrating your responsibility and respect for yourself.

And finally do not feel like you have to do anything. If you are out with a guy and are not feeling like hand holding or smooching don't. If you do find yourself out with a guy and you want to just go for it, do it. There are no rules dictating how you should or shouldn't do your thing. If you find you are satisfied with finding a guy you're into and snogging your brains out FUCK YES. If you find that you're happy jumping on a guy and riding him like a prize bull FUCK YES. If you decide you want to take things slow and stay a virgin FUCK YES.

You are a smart lady and you know what I'm saying here.

The only things I'm going to ask that you promise me are the following.

  • Be safe. Use protection.
  • Treat yourself with dignity and do not let people bullshit you. Your feelings and decisions are no one else's to make. The only person who's opinion on your virginity and journey to being a sexually active human are your own.
  • Have some fun. Sex is no srs business. Weird and funny things might happen and that's okay and awesome.
  • Finally, if you ever find yourself in a position where you start to feel entirely uncomfortable say no. You can say no whenever you want to and when you say no it is to be respected.

Feel free to write me again with more questions if you have them. Readers, do you have other tips? Are you a virgin too? Comment anonymously if you wanna. Help our homie out.

Now, go forth and give yourself some awesome orgasms. Look at your pussy (yes this too is required homework). Have a gander at the interwebs and look at some nekkid men. Take some time to really look at some penis, they are not scary I promise. Fortify yourself with knowledge and humour.

I hope this rambling bit of talk helps you out, have faith in yourself. There is some guy(s) who are going to rock your world with their hand holding and smooching skills. And eventually there is going to be that guy who's world YOU are going to rock.

Okay my homies.

That's it for today. Keep the questions coming. I just got one from a hetero fellow (Um OMFG I HAS SOME BOY READERS AWESOME! I love the peen!) who needs some lady loving advice and I have some.

Goodnight homies and haters.

Homo Out.



Jen said...

This entire post is made of bucketfuls of WIN. You rock my whole world.

To our virginal friend out there; a good good friend of mine is a 31 year old virgin, male. He chooses to remain that way because he's never found anyone that's just done it for him, y'know? There hasn't been that intimacy. He's looking forward to his first time but he's not rushing it, even at 31. He's comfortable with himself and his body and I think that gives him a very sexy edge. Confidence IS sexy. Be confident by following our Muse's advice and jump in when you're ready! Good luck, sweetie.

Anonymous said...

I was a virgin until I was 24, which was mostly just because I was picky as hell. (Actually, some days I'm a little weirded out that the only man I've ever had sex with is now my husband. But whatever. He's awesome.) What I would recommend?

Well, tell the guy first that it's your first time. It helps. If he freaks out, either he ain't the right one (and I mean 'the right one to have sex with', not 'the ONE') or he needs a few minutes to deal with it.

Oh, and relax. A lot. Practice your Kegels (google it) so you can actually make the muscles down there relax on purpose. That will help, too.

And try to figure out something that at least sounds awesome (and makes you damp in the panties) in theory, because he might ask and you might need an answer, and "I'm a virgin!" only works for so long. :)

Also, everything else that the Nudemuse said, as she is made of awesome and correctness.

Anonymous said...

I'm so glad someone asked this question and you answered it because the question could have come directly out of my head, except it didn't. It's a relief just that there's someone else out there like me, plus your calm advice of course. I'm fairly "book smart" about sex, pretty familiar with my body, and am accumulating more guy friends, but it's good to hear I'm not missing some major thing I'm "supposed" to be doing.

Anonymous said...

I could have written this question myself. I too will be turning 25 this year and I've never even been kissed. I've been on a couple of dates, but they always died away and after the last time...well...I stopped trying.

I think about it every day and I wonder...I wonder if I should try. I wonder if I will regret it if I don't. The idea of doing any of these things...I just don't have the heart for it. I've reached out before, and it was hard and all I got was my heart smashed into pieces. I spent a long time believing I was someone that no one would ever love, at least not in a physical or romantic way. And I just can't seem to stop believing that and so it keeps on being true.

And even though most of the time I can ignore it. Most of my friends don't know and those who do...I try never to bring up how much it hurts to them; I just make it not a big deal. But it is a big deal.

So if it's a big deal to you, do what you have to do. Pull up all your courage and listen to nudemuse and go for it. Do it for someone who wishes they could.

Anonymous said...

PS-- I'm sorry that turned into a rambling ball of self-pity. It's been a tough day that's been a long time coming.

Anonymous said...

I win at pity, I'm 26.

Anonymous said...

OK, I'm gonna win because I was over 30. And it was fine and fun and unique, as your first time will be.

Anonymous said...

I've reached out before, and it was hard and all I got was my heart smashed into pieces. I spent a long time believing I was someone that no one would ever love, at least not in a physical or romantic way.

I was the same way--I was thoroughly convinced that no one could ever possibly find me attractive. Before long, I started immediately rejecting everyone I met before they could reject me, because I thought it was less painful that way.

What I finally did, at age 27, was to start internet dating. I did it carefully and safely (meeting for the first time in a public place, always letting someone know where I was going and who I was meeting, etc.) and I went on tons of first dates over the course of one summer. Some guys were nice, others were not, but I had fun with the experience.

I ended up deciding to have sex with a very nice guy whom I did not know very well (on our second date, with protection of course), just because he made me feel so sexy. I ended up marrying him (we just celebrated our fifth anniversary), but that is another story.

Anonymous said...

I had my first kiss at 20 and I thought I was way too old for it, too. A few weeks later we tried to have sex and sort of ... failed. In fact, we didn't manage to do it until our fourth try - if you take that to mean "the fourth day on which we tried several times". Why? Because my boyfriend was too nervous!! But it didn't do our relationship any harm. I just thought I'd share that. :D

Electrogirl said...

Thank you so much for writing this, Nudemuse, and thanks to the person who wrote the letter to you! I'm 26 and also a virgin. I can't tell you how good it is to hear someone say "that's cool, you're not alone, and it's normal to be kind of freaked out at the thought of a peen (or anything else) going into your lady parts when you've never experienced it before." As opposed to "Oh, good for you honey! You're saving yourself for marriage!". Urk. No, I'm not. I'm looking for a guy whom I genuinely want in my bed, and I simply haven't found one yet. Or "You haven't done it yet? What's wrong with you?". Sigh.

Oh, and thank you to the commenter who suggested Kegel exercises as a means to learn to relax those muscles. I've never even been able to use tampons because I just can't seem to get them in without pain, no matter how much deep breathing I do or what position I take. Pelvic exams are painful even when they use the little speculum. Maybe there's hope after all!

Stella said...


I certainly feel you there. I'm a 23 year old virgin who is not "saving herself for marriage", not that there's anything wrong with that! I'm a staunch atheist who believes in non-monogamy and free love but I haven't met someone I've wanted to have sex with yet! And I'm not in a hurry either. I used to think that there was an expiration date on "acceptable virginity" but now I realize that its my body and I can do or not do whatever I want with it.

As far as I'm concerned sex should be fun, not an obligation. Right now I am having regular sex with someone I love, Me! And I have heard no complaints.

ChloeMireille said...

Yeah, I'm 28 and still a virgin. I do masturbate and would like to have sex someday. If I don't, though, I don't consider it a big deal.

My first real kiss was when I was 23, and it went to almost-sex really quick until I put the brakes on.

Subscribe To My Podcast