Monday, March 02, 2009

Dispatch from the Menstrual Hut.

Okay first if you know me or want to know me a little better. Go read this right here.

We all know by now that usually things like that don't really get me excited, I like them for instance I liked Joy Nash's Fat Rants but they did not give me any kind of visceral YES YES YES in my nervous system. That entry up there did.

To continue the theme of aging I realized when I started my period on Thursday that as I get older my boobs swell more than they used to. Which means, while my uterus is showing me might and dominion over all other forms of carbon based life by spewing detritus, my boobs go from a DD to bigger. I did not realize how much bigger until Friday and said boobies were seriously falling out over the top.

It would probably look awesome in pictures but OW FUCK MY BOOBS.

So I'll be buying a bigger titty bra for period time some time soon.

In other news, I was perusing a free "health" mag (I'll get to why I put it in quotes there in a minute) I got in the mail and I sat down and did some serious math.

In it they promised no less than five different work outs/diets that absolutely promise you'll be "sexy", "better", etc.

Diet#1 was designed for some lady I've never heard of who wants to drop her 15 pounds of pregnancy weight. Her stats were listed as being 5'5" and 131 pounds.

Now using the BMI calculator linked in the article her current bad before BMI that is supposed to be horrible and scary is 21.5 which for her height is supposed to be smack in the middle of perfectly healthy. No where in the article did she mention whether or not she's breastfeeding, had any complications during her pregnancy. It did mention that she wants to be back to her prepregnancy weight of 115 pounds which is a BMI of approximately 19 which is barely above underweight.

The promise is that she can get back to being just above underweight from her current healthy weight in just under six weeks with their plan.

Granted I don't have babies but who has time to cut and measure foods down to the tablespoon, workout at an estimated 2 hours six days a week?

Now the hook for this spectacular weightloss diet is that it's supposed to be easy, affordable and work fantastically for the average person. I calculated how much one day of this diet would cost me for one person (nevermind if you are actually cooking for a family) with local resources.

The cheapest day of this diet would cost me about 35$ for just me to eat for just one day. That's not including transportation costs, because I would not be able to get raw organic flax seeds at my local grocer, so I would have to spend time on the bus heading out of my neighborhood to have access.

Also the exercises are good ones no doubt. Old fashioned calisthenics with a twist of some yoga moves and one of those body balls. What they don't mention anywhere in the article is making certain if you have bad knees to be careful with some of the exercises, nor do they mention that it's probably not a good idea to start that kind of serious workout without yanno, consulting your doctor whom I would think if they had your health in mind, might remind you that if your baby is still on the boob you'll probably need more fat and calories in your diet. So you don't yanno starve your fucking newborn.

I did the same math with other of their "miracle" diets and essentially found the same things. Even substituting subpar foods for what was listed they are highly expensive, highly time consuming and I don't know about you but I have shit to do. I do not have time and I can't imagine if I was the everywoman working Mom they like to feature in this particular magazine, that I would have time to do stuff around the house, work, measure my raw organic whatever down to the tablespoon, make dinner for the family, pull out my yoga mat, body ball, hand weights twice a day, sleep and whatever else.

All to get not to a healthy weight as it would appear on first glance but all of these diets seemed designed for those who are already healthy to get skinny or underweight.

I cannot grasp how if one is already pretty healthy, how it is healthy to then starve yourself into being borderline underweight. Why is this deemed to be awesome?

One of their "awful" before pictures showed a woman who was looking pretty damn good. From her little bio she already worked out for an hour a day, wasn't having health issues, and looked to be what I'd call thin. Her big issue was that she wanted to (oh you know where this is going) get into the same jeans she wore when she was 20. Problem was naturally that she was going on 50.

What is wrong with this society that we expect our bodies to remain in a state of youth? How is it at all unnatural that a woman's body changes over time?

If you are a human being, no matter what kind of awesome diet and grueling 7 day a week part time job level work out plan you have, your body is going to change and decay. Yes, there are celebrities and others who look fabulous at 70 but the fact is the majority of human beings are going to get saggy, wrinkly, fuzzy, one nut is going to be in your sock and the other one at your knee.

It is unnatural to be the same (or nearly the same) at 50 that you were at 20. Biology has a clock, it keeps going for everyone.

And it pisses me off that our world has devolved to the point that you are suddenly gross and abnormal if you don't have that burning desire to revert to your 20 year old body.

It does a huge disservice to women and humanity in general to be promoting the idea that if you age, if your boobs start to sag or maybe your ass gets lumpy, your balls sag whatever that there is something wrong and awful about you and that it is your moral imperative to do everything to stop that process.

Now if you folks will excuse me.

I have delicious sencha tea to drink, and a migraine to try and chase away. I also need to work on fabulous project #2 which I would think wouldn't be so hard but it is.

Homo Out.


spacedcowgirl said...

What is wrong with this society that we expect our bodies to remain in a state of youth? How is it at all unnatural that a woman's body changes over time?

THANK YOU. I have seen way too many articles focusing on how to avoid that x pounds per decade weight gain, like it's self-evident that it is right and healthy to do so. As you mentioned, it is natural for bodies to age, and with respect to the weight specifically, I wouldn't be surprised if some amount of weight gain as we age is actually an evolutionary advantage. If you get sick suddenly, some extra weight while your body is fighting off the illness can mean the difference between life and death. Not to mention, fitting at 50 into your jeans from age 20 just seems like a weird and arbitrary goal, though I suppose (as you said) it's part of a denial of natural aging and of a refusal to accept that our bodies change and we grow old and die.

These types of magazines are like from another planet for me. Even in the bad old days I doubt I could have related in any way to a woman who felt a burning desire to get back to underweight BMI minutes after bearing a child.

Jen said...

I found it difficult to adjust to my post-baby body but I've done it. I have a big scar from my c-section and a pouch of skin just above it that will probably always be there. Oh yes, and stretch marks and bigger boobs. I wouldn't trade my son for my previous body, and if I worked out as much as I was supposed to to 'get my body back', I'd be robbing him of time he should be bonding with me. He's nearly 2 1/2 now but I'd rather run around with him than hit the gym any day.

It's so damn hard to just say NO to the hype, especially when friends and family hear you say no and look at you like you've suddenly grown two heads. You're such an inspiration to me!

wellroundedtype2 said...


Nursing a baby and getting down to "pre-baby weight" quickly are mutually exclusive goals most of the time (unless the mom in question is one of the few who have a hard time keeping weight on).

When my little one was about 9 months old I was close -- but that was a combination of difficult stuff that made me have a hard time eating and little one nursing a whole lot, but since then, I've stabilized about 10-15 pounds higher than before I was pregnant with her, 5 years ago.

wellroundedtype2 said...

Also, this:
"my uterus is showing me might and dominion over all other forms of carbon based life by spewing detritus"
and the title of this post are just pure awesomeness.

Rebel said...

I am pretty sure that when I get older, I will not wish for thinness and youth quite so much because the two differences between 23 year old me and 16 year old me are thus:

16 year old me weighed about 100 pounds less.

16 year old me was MISERABLE.

And I would REALLY rather be fat and happy than go back to high school. I suspect that when my knees start giving me trouble (I can feel that they will some day) I'll have to shake my fist at a lot of doctors, though. Sigh.

luci_monostone said...

Those things are so depressing to read. I remember reading about coconut oil and flax seed in the fucking hospital. Damn, do I ever hate this shit.

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