Saturday, March 28, 2009

Oh my brains.

So I went to Freddie's (Fred Meyer for those not so inclined for nick naming stores) and picked up some crafting supplies and it struck me yet again the weirdness that can go on in my head surrounding money.

I was told very specifically to spend on some just for fun things for myself by my wonderful friends BoyandGurl Venus and I have been agonizing over what to do. So given that my current love is crocheting I bought some cheapish acrylic yarn and a hook set.

But I was just uploading some pics and stuff and poking around my desk and had this feeling, a bad bad feeling because there are some just regular stuff I use all the time that I'm running out of and my brain went a little explodey.

I think because I've spent a lot of my life poor or really poor I tend to feel guilty for weird things.

Such as.

I'm almost out of the foundation that matches my skin just about perfectly and doesn't break me out. Yet, I still have a mostly full bottle of Mac Studio Fix Fluid that breaks my skin out like WHOA and doesn't exactly match my skin and I've been fighting myself not to just use that up.

Also see my rant here at the Cheekan about the availability of drug store brand cosmetics, especially face things (foundations, powders etc) for women of color, my fruitless search at Freddie's spurred quite a snit in the store.

Now I was searching for just plain not fancy loose powder. And yeah nothin. Which in my brain led to some freak out because I am bound to spend MORE money buying something on the internets and it just pisses me off.

Stocking up on basics does do something weird to me. Even when it comes to clothes. I have been in DESPERATE need of shirts that fit and I only just last weekend got some. For years in my early twenties I settled for buying things because I could afford them rather than because I found them pleasing.

Right there I'm thinking about these awful khaki cargo pants that were in and of themselves cute but not me. Just not me at all but, I bought them brand new with tags for something like 3$.

I think this happens to a lot of us doesn't it?

We get into this place where we don't see the value of doing things that are nice for ourselves so we don't do them and are sad.

That has been such a personal struggle for me. It's been so hard to make sure that I make myself use facial cleanser that feels nice and leaves my skin nice rather than just something that works. It's a struggle to let myself use copious amounts of shea butter to keep my skin from itching all winter. It's a struggle sometimes to seek out the things that make my hair look and feel good.

For me when my self esteem and self worth starts to dip this is where it shows up. I stop doing the things that make me feel fine and fancy.

I have to constantly remind myself that no matter what anyone else might say, it is worth something to do things that just make me feel good.

I bought some 12$ day time moisturizer with SPF for my face and this is the most I've ever spent on moisturizer and for awhile I only used the barest little tiny bit.

Now I slather it as I feel.


Because quite simply I like it. I like how it makes my face feel, I like how it smells. I like having my skin protected from the sun and over these last few months seeing my skintone start to even back out.

This my friends is why I wear make up. This is why I get SO excited to get my Aromaleigh samples or my Fyrinnae samples. This is why I get twitterpated when I can wax poetic for two hours to friends who don't give a damn how mother fucking AWESOME Mac's Cherry Blossom lipglass is.

This is why I will spend all Sunday doing my hair.

This is why I will also probably continue using my Olay daily thermal scrub stuff that is really expensive.

I've earned it.

I'm 32 years old and I have earned being good to myself. God damn it I should have been this good to myself for the last twenty years so I am making up for lost time.

When I want bacon I have some.

When I want to try some new fancy beer I do it.

When I want to prop my boobs up for some brown chubby boobtastic cleavage I do so.

If I feel like wearing something sexy I do.

If I feel like wearing my trusty hoody and jammy pants to go to the store God DAMN IT I WILL.

We all (Yes all of us, those of you who come through every now ad then to tell me I'm stupid, those of you cruising in from the Fatosphere, those of you who tentatively think I'm kinda cool but you're kinda horrified by me sometimes, those of you who are my ride or die homies reading even when I'm tired and ranting for no good goddamn reason, my fat homies, my skinny homies, my homos, my straight folks, my asexual do not want the booty folks. ALL OF YOU) we deserve to feel good.

More over, we not only deserve to feel good we are worth the effort of feeling good. If that means going for a run, taking a nap, having a beer with your dinner, having some steak, never eating meat again, yes.

Do what makes you feel good.

Work it out.

Okay I got another question from a boy SQUEEEEEEEEEEEE. It's a meaty one so my peen having homie, keep your eye out I have some serious consideration before I can answer in good faith.



Yeah how about this.

I have been kicking around the idea of doing an etsy shop of my cute but ugly crochetd accessories. I am trying to make a poll so I can understand a few foibles about hat sizes and stuff so look out for that.

In the meantime how about a newish foto?

this is me with my hair uncombed and a full face of make up because the way I get ready for work goes like this.

Wake up
Hobble out of bed to pee, wash face with warm water (sometimes at the same time, saves time yo)
Apply moisturizer
Grumble for awhile
Dick around on Twitter.
Put socks and pants on.
Put primer on face
Find bra put it on
Unbun hair
Put make up on except lips/mascara
Take pics if I remember
Put shirt on
Put hair up
Gather lunch, other needed things
Put boots on
Haul ass.

So this pic is from um...Thursday I think. I had accomplished mascara and shirt but not combed hair because I couldn't find my claw clip.

Some of that in the front of my hair is gray some is spots where I got overexcited with my powder which is translucent but not hair colored. Another reason I comb hair after doing make up. Not sure what blush I had on.


Now I am going to enjoy my Buffalo Bill's Brewery Orange Blossom Cream Ale. It's my first cream ale and it's quite tasty. Also going to lay down and apply my overnight deep conditioner to my hair and complain about my cramps.

Homo Out.



Joan said...

I know this sounds really weird, because I am a total stranger to you, but I have a bunch of nice foundation from when I sold Mary Kay, that I will never use (as I am white) I live in Renton. My blog is - leave me a message there if you want.

I totally here you on the doing/getting nice things for yourself. Once, I have some 'extra' money and decided I was going to the craft store to get some nice yard and crochet something. I walked back and forth in that section for over an hour trying to just pick something. I gravitated to the clearance stuff that I didn't necessarily like, and felt guilty about buying the nicer, more expensive stuff that I actually did like.

freaking feminin guilt!

Anonymous said...

I've been lurking here for ages, but I need to comment on this, because I could've written the first bit, really. The concept of doing things just because they make me feel good is so so alien, and so difficult for me, and the whole first half of this made me cry because I have to constantly tell myself that I'm allowed to spend money on making me feel good and...

Okay, this has turned into a pathetic ramble. I guess I just wanted to say thanks, and I respect you so much for putting yourself out there, because this is changing my life.

orodemniades said...

Have you ever thought about doing makeup for black chicks on youtube? Because, dude, I would freaking LOVE THAT SHIT.

Also? You're totally hot.

Just sayin'.

Etooz said...

"how mother fucking AWESOME Mac's Cherry Blossom lipglass is."


It's amazing. :)

Fantine said...

I am usually a lurker, too, but I am creeping out to say that I know exactly how you feel about the guilt. I grew up poor and was dirt poor as a young adult in college and for a couple of years after.

Shopping (espcially for craft stuff) made me feel really happy, until the guilt hit. And that guilt would hit even if I had already paid the rent and the phone bill and whatever else needed to be paid, because if I bought craft stuff I might be eating tuna casserole and ramen for the rest of the month. It didn't matter that I was probably going to eat tuna casserole and ramen for the rest of the month regardless of whether I bought the craft stuff.

I also have crazy poverty flashback reactions sometimes. I was at KMart buying a pair of gym shoes, because there were tons of them on sale for $9.99. I found a pair I really liked that fit well and felt good, then checked the price tag and realized they weren't the ones on sale. I sat there for a good twenty minutes trying on other, ugly shoes that didn't feel or look as good, until my husband pointed out "Those are only $14.99. If you like them, you should get them." I agonized for twenty minutes over five bucks, which is understandable when you really can't afford it, but crazy when you can.

Jen said...

I too hesitate to spend money on myself, even if it's for something I need, like a haircut or shoes or clothes. I wait until the very last moment before buying because I just don't feel comfortable buying things for me. Ask me to buy someone else a present or something and I'm all over it, but things for ME? Rare.

Self-care, like a bath or taking extra time after a shower to moisturize and exfoliate, also feels weird. I've only ever had one pedicure and that was a day or two before I got married. Same with a pro massage. Its' very difficult to justify to myself that I CAN spend the money, that I'M WORTH IT.

Thank you so much for posting this.

Anonymous said...

Nudemuse, heart this blog; even more so thanks to this post. Consider me delurked.

Ah yes, that special edition self-care/self spoiling guilt...gotta love it, no? Add some single parent tincture to the mix and it really gets to boilin'. Moreover, if I had a thousand bucks for every time those pangs of guilt kicked in, I'd feel guilty about the windfall!

As I type this, I have three (count em, THREE) tar-jay gift cards and an ashley stewart one. I've become so ambivalent about shopping as a whole, my brain goes straight to "does my daughter need more of ____?"

Thanks a bunch for reminding us all that it's okay -- nay, prudent -- to do for ourselves as much as we do for friends/family.

P.S. I'll put the aforementioned gift cards to use posthaste -- on mydamnself, of course. I DESERVE IT.

Lady Epiphany said...

I love this post. And you.

kyleth said...

Nudie, you're gorgeous with or without make up. I just wanted to let you know.

walkingrules said...

I think some of the responses to this post are just as good as the post itself! I have quite a few friends who I'd like to have these same epiphanies, and you've given me the words I need. Thanks, and keep it up!

beatfreak said...

I'm new here, but I saw your post about makeup for women of color. I found a new site for minerals made by a woman of color. It looks like the samples are only $2.00 for the foundation.

Keep up the good work and I'll be back.

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