Will I'm SO glad you asked.
Okay, my wife seems to think my sex drive is unnaturally high, and that I don't concentrate on being a father as well as I should. My wife is a beautiful woman, and I'm a healthy young man who wants his lover back. It seems like our 2 year old son has become an anti-sex shield for my wife, who never had a very high libido to begin with. But she used to try, you know? She used to touch and kiss me more. There were days when she'd even initiate sex with me. Now, she refuses to do any of these things, and gets angry when I try to initiate with her. "We're adults now," She says. "We have to concentrate on being parents. We don't have time for sex." Or, "Honey, I'm tired. I don't feel like it."
This has been going on since my son was born. Needless to say I'm hurt and a little confused. I'm at the point where masturbation simply won't do, and she doesn't like porn, which might actually be interesting. I feel like my only options are: a) have an affair, b) accept defeat and continue to be forcibly celibate, or c) divorce her.
Okay Will we've got a meaty meaty question here. First thing, congratulations on your baby. That is wonderful.
Let's take things bit by bit.
I'll tell you I've known many many women who've had babies and at some point many of them have expressed that no, they don't feel like being touched. The fact is a lot of women spend all day with someone (being the baby) hanging onto them. It doesn't mean they don't like their kids, or don't like you for that matter but, it can be rough.
Let me ask you, does your wife stay at home to take care of the baby? Does your wife get any time to herself to just chill out without you or said baby?
I know for me personally, having some alone time without anybody no matter how much I love them is extremely important to me. Let's talk about libido and women for a minute here.
I think a lot of men don't really understand sometimes how complicated a womans libido can be. It's not always just a matter of wanting to do it or not.
For many women hormone levels, stress, having babies, being married etc can all work against her libido. Is your wife healthy? Have you two talked openly and honestly (and yes your feelings might get hurt sweetheart) about what she does or doesn't need? For a lot of us lady types, wanting to have sex can be hindered by so many outside things and sometimes we just need to get it out, and get it clear to get our groove back.
Now let's talk about you.
Do you express affection without the expectation of sex to your wife? Sometimes people don't think that if someone is already experiencing libido problems that the way in which you are expressing yourself physically could be stressing her out and adding to the problem.
Think about it this way, there's a huge difference between giving someone a hug and kiss just to give them a hug and kiss, than there is in giving someone a hug and kiss and giving them sexual energy. Still with me?
Do you find yourself putting pressure on her for sex? Whether it's conscious or unconscious, it can be difficult for both of you. You get frustrated and I imagine she might be hurt.
As for her saying that you don't have time for sex do you? Granted sometimes some hot lovin' is just the thing to end a stressful day or make the day go by more quickly but, sometimes we're just really too tired.
If she's expressing that being parents makes being sexual a no go, could there be other underlying issues?
I think that you two should maybe sit down together in a non-sexual situation and you can ask her why it is that she thinks this. Now this conversation might get weird and heated, she might not want to talk about it but sometimes these things are necessary.
When you are talking, don't make the things she says about how you feel or don't feel. I know a lot of people, myself included sometimes don't want to hurt our lovers feelings so we're not always as open as we could be. You have to work together to make it so you have that good open space to communicate.
And, be quiet. Let each other talk.
Now as for how to handle it that's tougher.
Unless you and your wife have an agreement about having sex with other people don't have an affair. I firmly believe that what works in a marriage or relationship is up to the people in it however, I think dishonesty is very destructive.
That being said.
I don't think you have to think of this situation as a defeat. It's not a fight or a war this is your relationship.
You can't approach your relationship the way you might approach a problem at work. You have to work, you have to listen, you have to be willing to do your part and change as does your partner.
None of these options are very appealing to me, but I don't know what else to do.
My question is, is there a way of reigniting some sexual response in her? Do I wait until she's asleep, put the boy into his own bed, and stroke her until she gets hot for me? Or am I just doomed to failure, here?
Okay do not do that. Just don't.
I know you're frustrated, desperate and upset but do not wait until she's asleep to start touching her. It's disrespectful and rapacious. It is not okay to have sexual contact with people without their consent. If you have been doing that, it's not helping your cause.
Also (I'm not saying this is what you're proposing but I want you to be very aware) be very very aware that the above can be construed as spousal rape which is never ever ok.
What you didn't mention is how other areas of your marriage are. Are you having financial trouble? Are there other things going on?
Your best move at this point may be to ask her to go to couples counseling. I do get the feeling there may be more going on than just your wife's libido not being what it used to be.
The bottom line is how much do you want to invest in the whole of your relationship?
Sex is very important to a lot of us, but it's only a part of what makes up a relationship.
Maybe suggesting counseling might be overwhelming to for you right out of the box.
How about you get a babysitter, make your wife a nice dinner, sit her down and look into her eyes and ask, "are you okay?"
Now as you're doing this, your wife might get uncomfortable and anxious. She might think it's just a ploy to get in her pants and that's okay. Reassure her that you want to talk, that you care enough to take some time out of your busy busy lives to check on her.
Maybe, she just really feels overwhelmed being a new Mama, maybe she really wants some time to herself so she can have a bath or read a book. Maybe she needs to be reassured that whether or not her libido is as fired up as yours, you still really care what's going on with her.
I truly believe that when you are in a relationship based on love respect and all those awesome things, you have to work damn hard. You have to deal with your own anxieties and frustrations, pay bills, take care of your partner, take care of yourself and it's all a big ole ball of stress sometimes.
But if you're in it to win it Will, get to work.
In the meantime (until you get counseling or have your talk) start teaching yourself to be mindful. If your wife seems overwhelmed maybe help her out. Do the dishes, bathe the baby, take out the trash, make the bed, do the laundry. Don't expect high praise or pats on the head just do it.
Make the effort to not just tell your wife verbally how much you love and want her, show her.
Now readers, be gentle. Let's help out our homie Will some more.
If you were Will or Will's wife what would you want or do? Have you experienced this sort of thing? What did you do.
I trust and love my readers Will so I believe we'll get you some more awesome advice.
Also please report back. Ask me more. Ask our readers more. And Will, let me tells you hell yes for asking. FUCK YEAH WILL. FUCK YEAH.
And anyone else, have a question? Have one of those burning questions you're too embarassed to ask anyone else? Techniques? Porn? Want to know what the fuck is going on with whatever? Ask me.
Now my darlings my darlings I am off.
ScriptFrenzy is going well.
I will have some new short fiction up soon that I am FUCKING STOKED about because it's going in a kickass webzine.
Also next week look for some SuperFatty Crafting Skills updates because my skills, they have activated.
I command everyone to spend at least five minutes between now and the next time you see me here on the intertubes do something that is silly and fabulous.
Make faces, roll around on the floor with your dog, put on some underwear and dance around your house to 80's music. Give yourself a facial, massage your own neck, masturbate, do whatever that makes you feel fancy.
Feel free to tell me about it after you've done it.