As in apparently I've forgotten how.
There was a time when I had a vast array of accessories and some precious items that I wore daily without fail. And in the intervening years and moves, it seems I've lost pretty much all of them.
I am so terribly picky about these things that I'm finding it exceedingly difficult to find things that I a.) love and b.) can afford.
Being that I don't have the monetary resources or know how to make a lot of my own jewelry I find myself looking through masses of Etsy pages and all over ebay.
I also find I'm not sure what I like.
So the conundrum continues.
I have decided that I like large bold things. I like things that are slightly weird (see my love of jewelry feature cephalopods), I like strange shaped things. I have been known to wear dead computer parts as accessories.
As I get older I have this insane desire to hone my aesthetic and expand my wardrobe so I can outwardly express more of what I'm feeling.
It's a weird thing, this isn't really a feeling I've had since my early twenties and it's both exciting and frustrating. It's difficult for me to let myself save up and spend money on accessories for some reason.
In many ways this is one of those moments (like in this entry) where I have a disconnect and my wants are shunted into the silly and time wasting category.
I keep feeling like this is among the last bastions of that bad place in my heart. That bad place that spawns the ugly feelings that I am not worth the effort, and that I shouldn't be so desirous of these sparkly fripperies.
It never ceases to amaze me just how hard this process can be and sometimes, I will admit that I get really depressed over it.
It's not so much the not having the physical things, it's the sick feelings. It's the feeling that even though I've come so far in terms of how I treat myself, and in how I love myself that there's still this huge fucking landmine in my psyche.
Me being who I am, I deal with depression by getting really angry. I get so angry at myself I can make myself physically ill and I'm really tired of doing that. I'm tired of going in this viscous cycle of depression, anger over my own depression, stomach ache, then more anger because I feel stupid and ashamed for feeling these things.
The thing that galls me more often than not is my inability to process this and keep it pushing.
This morning as I was getting dressed in my fluffy skirts (pics tomorrow) and new Fuschia merona brand footless tights (full write up review of these and some others later on) and I couldn't find my shoes.
Now most of the time it's not that big a deal. But, I've come to a year in which I don't have a lot of shoes. I have one pair of wearable flats (I'm wearing now), one pair of sandals that I don't like to wear because no matter what I do the bottoms are very slippery and I feel like my feet are sliding out of them as I walk and I fall down, and I have boots.
It's spring and I don't want to wear boots so I had this awful few moments of upset and then the vicious circle, and then (even now)I felt stupid and ashamed for being so upset.
I felt ashamed because (probably again stemming from time spent in awful and serious poverty) I have shoes and should be thankful.
I am stuck in the place between have and have not.
And I hate it.
It's not an economic problem per se, it's a whole problem because of the way I tend to spend and how I feel about spending and how I feel deep down about making myself feel pretty.
You see where I'm going here?
My general mindset when it comes to economics goes like this.
Save a little for monetary doom (which has happened to me enough that I am -very- paranoid about it, matter of fact unexpected bills, bills higher than usual can send me into a panic spiral)
Feel guilty about wanting pretties, maybe get a pretty, feel bad about said pretty, consider selling said pretty, keep said pretty but feel bad about it.
Eventually enjoy pretty enough to enjoy it.
The one thing that saves me from this sometimes is my thrifting/finding deals.
However, there's still that want sometimes to have something that is nice and brand new.
Having brand new off the rack clothes is a huge thing for me. Which is a huge part of the reason I'd like to open an etsy store and why I'm so wibbly about getting presents. There are complicated and vast reasons that feeling like I haven't earned something makes me feel weird.
I have a hard time even accepting gifts from people I've known for a decade.
I'm not often a crier but, that can bring me to tears.
Wow this went way deeper than I'd anticipated.
I sat here for a bit and considered not posting because (a-ha moment yes?) I realized that I am still deeply and terribly ashamed at what I perceive as personal weakness and I hate whining in front of people.
Can I say at the end here that I have a new goal of being more honest and in my feelings, even when they hurt the shit out of me and embarrass me?
So now I turn to you guys I need help. I need advice from you my peers and smart people who's brains I value.
What do I do?
How do I process this kind of pain in a way that isn't self destructive?
How do you deal with these feelings?
Help me out, let's help each other out.
So meanwhile I am going to take a breath. And to tell you the honest truth try not to feel like such a whiny jackhole for showing my emo ass today.
And I'm going to try very hard to feel good about showing my emo ass today because I know how hard it is for me.