Friday, May 08, 2009

Advice...but it's not sexytimes.

This weeks question comes from a homie we'll call Love.

This isn't exactly a question about sex. Maybe general relationships, but it's kind of a mess in my head. I really like your style of thinking and the straightforward advice that you've given others and I hope you can help me organize my thoughts a little bit, even if they aren't fully pertinent to your blog (which I totally love).

I started to type out my question, and it very quickly devolved into a history of my life. which I'm not sure would be fun reading. Basically, it comes down to the fact that I almost always feel like an outsider.

How can I tell what peoples' intentions are when I start relationships, romantic or otherwise? I worry that they just want a sassy, fat minority sidekick, or that they're dating me just for the stereotyped perceptions about everything from my race to my style of clothing. I never figure these things out until I've made way too much of an emotional investment and I end up getting seriously burned. And this happens a lot. What can I do

First of all I LOVE that you have asked this question Love and it is in fact pertinent. Cause I am made of the random and it's all pertinent.

Believe it or not Love I spent a large chunk of my life feeling just like you do. Right down to emotionally investing, getting burned, or left behind and it fucking sucks.

Now the truth is Love my darling you can't know at the outset unless you have some super psychic abilities, now assuming you don't have those here's what I've learned in my 32 years of life as a weird fat black chick.

The first thing I think you need to teach yourself (and I say this because I have a tendency to be very passionately invested in relationships with people) these things.

First of all even if you think you are going to have an amazing amount of stuff in common with someone, you might not and that is okay. It's not a reflection on who you are or who they are it just is.

Second, as I'm sure you know some people are just douchebags.

Third, tell yourself daily that you being who you are, just as you are weird clothes fat ass and whatever else is fucking awesome. I have homework for you right now (everyone else too) find a reflective surface you can see your own eyes in, look yourself in the eye and in your firmest most ass kicking voice say the following:

"I am mother fucking awesome."

Go do it. Right now I'll wait.

All back? Awesome.

Okay Love, one thing you can learn to do (and it's hard all of this is fucking hard and I know that) is be frank when your Spidey sense starts tingling. You are entirely within your rights to be protective of yourself and your feelings. It is perfectly all right to let people know if they say something that gives you that "oh fuck I'm the weirdy sidekick" to tell them that's not okay.

And some people can't deal with that. Some people are going to say, "but I didn't mean you" or things like, "but that's not what I meant". Regardless of the fact that someone might not mean to make you feel like the mysterious "other" it's what they did. Now awesome people will take that in and you and those people can work out together how they can not do that.

As for the people who will be butthurt and shitty about it, fuck em.

Next and I hate to say it but you have to teach yourself some caution. This part may be the most difficult thing but sometimes you have to (for your own good) slow your roll and take your time getting to know and love people. I know how heartbreaking it is when someone you care about so much just let's you down or does something that hurts you.

Um what else?

Back to the being upfront thing. No matter how you're meeting people you can say up front right away that there are things you will not put up with. And again some people cannot handle that. They will think you're a bossy weirdo but it is your life and your heart and you have the right to stand up for who and what you are.

Honestly I don't have more concrete advice. Looking back, I think I've learned the most by just going through these things. You get hurt, you cry, you wallow sometimes and you keep stepping which is the important thing to me. You get through it.

One of the ways I get through it (then and now) was learning when I just need to let it go. If someone really does not get me or worse the people who just want to know a weirdy such as myself, sometimes you just gotta let it roll off of your back and keep on trucking.

I have a hard time with that myself. I really want to stick it out and hope that the person gets it or figures it out or something but sometimes, it's just way better to walk away or put that person at a distance than to get hurt.

I too am a pretty sensitive person (Love darling I'm assuming this about you) and I have had to grow myself a pretty thick skin.

Also being an outsider ain't all that bad. I know it's our instinct as humans to have the driving need to fit in -somewhere- and I think there's that somewhere for all of us, the hard part is finding it.

And I have faith in you Love that you will find that place to run free and feral with other freaky folks. Now understand I use the term weirdy, freaky folks etc in pure love. I fully believe in the power of embracing your own strangeness and owning it.


The other thing that comes to mind is that when you really start to believe that you in all your odd glory Love are Mother Fucking Awesome, you will project that and people will be less inclined to behave in shitty ways in your presence.

One of the best pieces of life advice I've ever gotten was from my Great Grandmother.

At the time I was upset and unsure, I wasn't specific with her but I felt so out of place and like my friendships with people weren't real and all that she told me,

"Fuck em if they can't take a joke."

And it's so true. And it's all a joke.

Ladies, Gents, bois and grrls your life on this planet is not permanent. And as much as we'd all like to believe we are big important shit, in the grand scheme of things we're all pretty small.

That is one of my core beliefs and that belief has in fact helped me through some really fucked up times.

I believe and own that my mortal life is a drop in the bucket as far as the universe goes.

With that in mind, understand Love that no matter what you know sets you apart from others, there -are- non douchy people who are your people.

You know what I'm saying?

Some of us find our people sooner rather than later. I found my people later. Keep searching, keep growing, you keep being your mother fucking awesome self.

Keep doing it because you are loved and valued.

Do it because you love and value yourself and have awesomeness to contribute to this bizarre drama we all call life.

Now for the rest of my homies. Let's talk. Do you feel like Love does? Have you felt like Love does but don't now? Share. Let's show Love, some love.

Damn dirty hippies unite! Homie awesome powers activate.

Okay I'm getting dorky and cheesy now. I overindulged in chocolate and now my eyeballs, they are vibrating. I'm going to eat some real food and have some liquids.

So remember my homies, I love you. You too haters and random intertubes visitors.

I will probably post something about fatshions tomorrow. I was cruising around and I found some POOR FOLKS DEALS Y'ALL.

I'm talking a good start of a summer fat girl wardrobe for under 20$ a piece. Things that I myself will be purchasing and will gladly show you for a dollar. Actually you totally don't have to give me a dollar.

Homo Out.

PS..that Damn dirty hippy line is from (I think)some Janeane Garofalo stand up.



beatfreak said...

I have totally felt like Love and you have given some great advice. I am so afraid of being hurt by people that I don't put myself out there to make new friends or date. I'm tired of feeling this way and this was the advice I needed.

DavitaCuttita said...

Arg! I feel the EXACT same way too most of the time (and I'm also pretty shy so that complicates things further). As usual, Nudie is absolutely correct and gave absolutely beautiful advice. Love darhling, we all just gotta own our oddness n' make it werk.

Twistie said...

Love, if you haven't tried the exercise yet, please do. I did it a minute ago and I'm still grinning from ear to ear.

As others have said, owning your weird is important. Love it. Cuddle it. Read it bedtime stories. It's what makes you who you are, and it's composed of sparkly awesome.

The funny thing is, the more you know your weird is good, primo shit that other people would be damn lucky to get, the more you find yourself in the company of others who appreciate your weird and the easier it gets to find your tribe.

Plus there's nothing like a solid tribe of complementary weird to scare off the phonies who want a token 'fat, funny, ethnic friend' to play the comic relief in their otherwise homogenized existences.

Anonymous said...

If I had, say, five hundred bux for every time I felt like an outsider (just for laughs, let's put up a 25yr span -- I'm 31 now), I'd probably own some land and maybe a helicopter by now.

Love, I have nothing to add except that Nudiemuse and everyone here are spot on: you gotta embrace that inner "Weird Alberta" and take a chance. Granted, you may stumble along the way, but what's life if not a big ole crapshoot? Take a deep breath, reread the above, repeat as needed.

Kristie said...

Excellent advice, NudeMuse. Rock on. You won't mind if I crush on you a little bit, will you?

Kjen said...

I didn't so much "own" how different I felt, so much as I just kind of got so sick and tired of always trying to live up to this standard in my head about what I felt acceptably normal should be like and failing.
It's actually kind of a relief. I've gotten some looks for actually admitting things that really interest me, but honesty has actually attracted people who 'get' me that much sooner.

But, I've always favored the nice and slow approach anyway, and I think that helps a great deal with finding out and letting other people find out who they are really dealing with.

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