I'm a long-time lurker on your blog, and I was wondering if you could help me with an issue I'm confronting in my sex life.
I'm a female college student, and I am with a new boyfriend, whom I love. We have fooled around a fair amount, and it's been lovely. Right now, we're apart for the summer, but once we get back on campus in the fall, we want to give intercourse a try.
My boyfriend is completely inexperienced and naive, and I feel a certain responsibility to guide him, and make sure he has a good experience. At the same time, I'm quite concerned that I might have difficulties with intercourse.
I've had a variety of sexual relationships, many of them quite wonderful. But while I do find penetration pleasurable, it hurts! It doesn't seem to matter whom I'm with, or that they--or I--do.
I don't think I have vaginismus or some similar condition, since I can handle finger penetration just fine. But try and stick anything large in there, and things go horribly wrong.
I love my boyfriend, and I want his first experience with intercourse to be relaxed, fun, and all-around positive. I know he would be mortified by the thought of hurting me. But I feel that I need to address this issue with him, so that I don't end up suffering through more painful, unsatisfying sex.
Any help or advice would be WONDERFUL.
Thank-you so much!
Oookay my darling.
First of all you sound like an awesome partner for someone to have for their first time. And I will tell you that most likely your boyfriend is going to be so excited about doing it for the first time that wonderful or not, it's going to be a bit overwhelming and kinda like OH MY GOD SEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEX and he's done.
That's fine and normal.
As far as guidance goes, for those first few times make sure that a.) he's not going all buck wild and poking you in the butt if you don't want that and b.) he's not going all buck wild and trying to get in there too soon. Be gentle but firm.
Now as for you I would ask you a few questions.
Have you been checked out by a gynecologist regularly?
Have you or do you penetrate yourself with toys or your fingers?
Now that second question I ask because all of us vagina having people, our vaginas while basically the same are not all the same. If you don't already penetrate yourself here is what I suggest.
Take some time by yourself while you're feeling good and explore the shape of your vagina with your fingers.
Next thing think about past sexual experiences that were pleasant. Do you feel pain or soreness from similar positions? Have you been with fellows endowed with the big peen?
Both of these things can cause soreness and pain during or after having penetrative sex.
And that brings me to my next question, are you experiencing pain during intercourse or are you sore after?
If you start to get sore during this could come from a lot of things. You and your partner might need lube. Or you may need to switch positions. If you're having pain high up, your partners penis can be hitting your cervix and that can hurt (albeit sometimes in a pleasurable OH THAT'S AWESOME way).
If you're sore after I say again you might need lube or to explore different positions. You also might need a break. There is nothing wrong with calling a mid sex time out for the home team. Just remember not to forget your partner during said time out.
Being that you're fairly certain you don't have vaginismus I will recommend some stuff that can help treat that, and that may help you.
Masturbate a lot. This goes back to the putting your own fingers inside yourself but try buying a smallish toy. Maybe start with something a bit smaller than whatever penis you're used to. This way you can take some time to figure out at what point you're experiencing discomfort before it turns into pain.
Also you can figure out if you're having lubrication issues, if maybe one angle of penetration is more painful for you than another.
Try doing some some Kegel Exercises.
I fucking love Kegel's like whoa.
Now the awesome things about these is aside from being able to proclaim that you have a Pussy of Might, you will learn how the different areas of muscles feel and how to relax them. Think of it as yoga for your crotch.
Here is a reasonably decent explanation of the how to do Kegel's. And despite how clinical that reads lemme give you some real talk scoop.
Once you have good PC muscle control it is possible to get yourself quite aroused without touching yourself and where ever you want. This is a great thing for those of us who are slow to arousal or have libido issues.
You can also learn to use your PC muscles during sex to help yourself get to orgasm which not only feels awesome for you, can be an awesome HOLY SHIT PUSSY IS AWESOME AND MIGHTY moment for your partner as well.
If you're planning on having kids I have heard that having exercised PC muscles can assist in childbirth. That I have not done the field research on cause that's not how I roll but it's what I hear.
Strong PC muscles can also (as the instructions above say) help to not be incontinent as you get older or after childbirth. Also awesome.
Boys, don't think you are being ignored. PC muscles can help you maintain erections if you have trouble with that, they can so I hear make a difference in what you're feeling. Also boys I know how you are and penis tricks can be really amusing. I will admit, sometimes (okay fairly often) I think silly peenor tricks are funny.
Back to you Apprehensive.
I suggest spending some time this summer working this out for yourself. Not for your partner but for you.
And my darling report back, do some experimenting and let me know how you're doing or if you need some more help. Also and I am sorry to be bossy baby but I demand you go to your girly doctor and get totally checked out.
I'm afraid I must insist.
And if you can't afford your regular doc go to Planned Parenthood or find a low cost/sliding scale clinic in your area. Your ladyparts must be looked after or they will rebel.
Now folks here's where I turn it over to my awesome readers of fantasticness. Have you had experience with these issues? Can you offer our darling Apprehensive a word of wisdom or understanding? Oh I know you can.
And one more thing before I flitter off to eat delicious soup, Will, my Virgin friend, Canelle (yikes off the top of my head I am not awesome) all you folks who have written how are you doing? Yes I do really want to know. Leave a comment or send me a note.
Okay that's all homies.
Tomorrow an awesome fashion question. Also An outfit post from yours truly.
And as always if there is anything, no I mean anything you want to ask me that you think I might know. Ask away. Even if you feel dumb or weird ask me anyway and give yourself a silly moniker while you do it.